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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Recent Profile Visitors

3,239 profile views
  1. George, hope it goes well. Steve used to build all of ours and for others too. You’re doing one and may come to find it a new pursuit for others. Stev3 burned out on it after a couple years since new ones were cheaper and the frustration (oh, the cursing I heard!) got to him. This were towers. We switched to laptops and mine has a desktop monitor, keyboard and mouse. I got the iPad for the living room and if I have to take it somewhere as the laptop is so small but bigger than this. Plus I need a mouse. Those touch pads drive me bonkers!
  2. Janka hasn’t been here since she posted this last Friday. I know she has her reasons, but it would have been kind of her to tell the people who have been here and reached out to her. This makes it awkward for everyone. But that is not in our control. I wish her well, but she has opted not to read anything that has been posted. Personally, and purely my opinion, I find that hurtful to this family. Marty, if this pos5 is out of line, please delete it. But I felt it needed to be said.
  3. Steve and I never did anything typical for Valentines Day. No gifts. We considered it a Hallmark holiday. But he would make i5 seem special by doing something. Maybe making dinner or cleanning up. He def8nitely made sure he told me he loved me. I usually bought him a little candy gesture like heart shaped peanut butter cup and would leave it on his sink. I’m glad now as I see all the valentine stuff in the stores. Easter was nothing too so I am spared an6 tough memories til July 4th when he always had to do a special BBQ.
  4. Why

    Mary Beth, you are definitely not alone in feeling this. I don’t marvel that I make it thru another day, but I have that 'why bother' feeling chained to my ankle all day long. I guess I am.still tethered to the edge as I continue to clean, take showers, drag mysef out of bed. But it takes everrytng I have.and energy and motivation is dwindling. I do find it helpful to share here as the world.has no patience for it. Like Marty suggested, maybe if you tried (and I know it’s an effort, to write more we could get a better feel beyond that oh so normal reaction. It’s totally up to you, but you might get some more helpful feedback to make it thru even another hour if you vented here. Or needed a pity party as we all have.
  5. Why

    I keep seeing this topic and realize that the the largest question always on my mind. One I will never find an answer to. All other questions in life have answers but this. No wonder it haunts us day and night.
  6. It’s because we have so much t8e, IMO, there are so many things to 'think' about rather than be doing. I was always doing something to keep the house running as a family lived here. And the things I have to do now are new to me, the things he always did and I don’t.like doing them. But my role isn’t nrcessary anymore. My thoughts are with you too, Gin. pictures ARE so very hard. Music too. Watching TV and movies he would have enjoyed, eating alone. The silence. Heck, it’s all hard and painful. Waking up knowing this is how it is going to be with no hope it will ever come back is the hardest thing for me. Every morning I fold the covers back on my side and am done. Pristine on his side. He took naps while I was out sometimes so would have to do it again. Same with the couch after TV time. Sometimes he would come back again too. All I have now is my chair from when the dogs use it to straighten out the cover. All were sign# of life. Pictures are too intense a reminder. We have a family wall with so many of us smiling, together or with others. Those people (him and I) are gone now. I have only looked at them when I have had some wine and can cry to go to sleep. Can’t take looking at that half of my reason for living that is gone.
  7. I have a question and would like some input if you are familiar. I have an iPad (something I would not if Steve was here). I’ve developed an obsession of looking up any strange thing I feel, usually leading to more fear and stress. I have no one to take it from me an$ try to ignore the urge. It’s he being alone and having 4 health conditions that are serious. I proven over and over to myself this is not a wise thing to do as the web is full of stiuff I never thought of. Some comes from the doc that replaced mine in May that was critical instead of compassionate. I have a new doc that doesn’t do that and counselors that tell me to stop his voice in my head. Things are certainly 5he most stressful they have ever been right now. Any wisdom on how to control the obsession? It gets so bad my Xanax doesnt cut it sometimes. I don’t know why I torture myself. Other than not having Steve here high was calming. Wouldn’t even be going to these questions and the web. The stress of being alone with my conditions makes want to find something affirmative. But people doing well or have that don’t post, plus there are the Xanax equals evil links everywhere! Any ideas?
  8. I woke up this morn8ng and realized that is the true nightmare. When things become so acutely real. Dreams may not make sense, but I’m not in physical or emotional pain. It’s like that Bizzaro World comic they had about Superman where everything is backwards. I tried to envision all the medical procedures I need when I feel no reason to be here. All invasive and no one to be with me, literally no one. Then I thought about living with all the maladies and how limiting my world is becoming. I don’t know who designed this trap, but they.are a pro. Ingenious. Of course the biggest trap is my heart and mind. I get thru my day just wanting to get home where I can be sad or frustrated. That creates more because it used to be my best time of day with the love of my life. Now it just filling hours and lord, this3 hours are long. I can’t avoid passing places we went without the memories kicking in I had. So I wonder, what is wrong with me that time is actually working against me? I don’t cry as much, but I’ve never felt more empty in the reality I’ll never see him again in this life or ever. I read about celebrity accidental overdoses and it’s so sad as they had reason to get up everyday. Passions and family. I have all I need fo4 a physical existence but a reason for it. Would I still be in so much physical pain? Probably. At least I would have help and motive to act on it. So now I drag mysel& off to volunteering again feeling older than the residents. They may see I can still hobble around, but I see more content people there because they have reason to survive. Some are looking forward to surgeries so they can do more....with their families. It takes so little. Someone that truly loves you and you can love back. Take that away and you (I) write posts like this. i don’t even know how often I sit here and stare into nothing. I have so much to say but no one to hear it. I can say it to myself, but I already know it. A voice to say something back or tell me something they thought is such a simple thing to want. But simple isn’t an option anymore, is it? We all live in a physical world we never thought about because it made sense. I’ve heard it called bearing the unbearable. We are told it gets better, but as Tom said somewhere, I’ve been in this waiting room for years an$ wonder if I will ever be called.
  9. Brad, I have so much cooking and dinnerware. I once thought about going through it and getting rid of stuff (dinnerware is handy because I hate washing dishes and the dishwasher is my buddy). But the cookware? I looked at it all and said nah uh, don’t even want to deal with sorting that. I just moved the very few things I use to the front. All simple stuff like you. Cabinet doors are marvelous barriers too. I’m too tired of changing more after 3 years. The executor can deal with it. I know Deedo had her Christmas room. How was it changing it into an office? How did you handle it emotionally? I still have a sticker Steve made saying Gwenny's Workshop he put up one holiday season I’ll never take down. I left Steve's as it was, tho it is pretty bare because it is organized now, something that never happened when he was here. It’s almost spooky. I often had to skip cleaning it as he had so much stuff scattered everywhere. Rarely could vacuum with his music charts all over the floor. He’d say leave the vacuum, I’ll do it later. I knew better and would do it on band nights he needed his papers.
  10. Wow, Tom, your post really resonated with me. Hadn’t looked at it that way - not letting the grief drive me out. And the pain of her loss more than the warmth of her presence? So perfectly worded. We already lost them physically. I know for me there is no other place to be. I don’t think any of our partners would be the least surprised how change is the last thing we ever wanted, and I don’t mean the furniture. I’ve had to change some things (broken lamp, living room chair) but the feeling of our home remains intact. That double edged sword. The good memories and now the pain.
  11. There are pictures of us all thru the house from before the cancer came. I’ve moved my favorite to a place I don’t have to see it so easily. I’m adept at not seeing the others unless I want to. I don’t listen to music anymore. His being one left a huge void and the stuff I like from 'my day' has too many memories. I have a CD he made me of my favorites and either they have a personal meaning or are about feelings he evoked in me. It’s so hard living in our house where everything has a memory. There is a recliner in his office that he spent a lot of time in laughing with his buds and it’s so empty now. I pass it all the time letting the dogs in and out. The list goes on and on for all of us. I know you and Brat moved. I see plus's and minus’s to that. All in all, I know we all lost no matter what we do.
  12. So here is another Sunday night before another week kicks in. Usually I like that because I at least have things to do even if my heart isn’t in it. Now everything seems monumental no matter what day it is. I so much want to care about something. I always kept the house up because someone was here to see it. The chores really are chores because I do them solely for me now. Tonight I changed the bed, that’s a tough one. I get so restless in this place. I’ve been up and down a dozen times writing this. Finding things to touch up because it is habit although no one will see. He did his best to keep me busy and I miss it. Wandering and doing little things because there is no inner contentment anymore. I so miss his mere presence making everything OK and feeling calm. I miss the appreciation despite my griping which was mostly in jest. I never knew all this 'free time' could be so bad. AMC is running a Breaking Bad marathon which is a blessing. It was our favorite show of all time and he got to see it all.
  13. Why

    I don’t know what would have happened had Steve not died. We didn’t really have dreams, per se. we just lived. We’d both be in our 60’s and facing typical aging problems, BUT we would be together. I can’t say I thought about having major health problems long ago, but I know that I wouldn’t have found them to be as immensely looming with my partner. The problems I have and finding treatment have me wondering why? Sure, the pain relief would be nice but I’d still be here alone in the world. I’ve had short times of eased pain and I’m just as miserable. So I’ve tested that theory. They cannot solve that.
  14. Why

    I don’t think it is irrational. I had so much anger at Steve for a long time. When I get really worn down I sometimes go there, but it has drastically shifted to the true culprit - cancer. Now when I find myself angry at Steve I see all he went thru to survive or buy time that was so hard on him. But also I lay in bed late at night sometimes wondering how he could leave me to this anguished existence. Grief so messes with our thinking. I struggle just to stay rational a lot. I take things personally that aren’t. Nothing is the same anymore without him. That is an anger I don’t know if I will adapt to.
  15. Three kings.

    You are not alone, Janka. I’m doing the same thing. Many hugs to you. 🌺