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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

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2,950 profile views
  1. Just lost

    I gave up waiting a long time ago. He is gone to me in this life. The hardest acceptance I've ever made. What comes after I don't know. If anything.
  2. Quite the timing you asked that question about being hit with the reality of it, Tom. Although I am facing 3 years in less than 2 weeks, I was wondering if something was wrong with me because it feels so much worse now. I talked to my counselor about it and he said that timing and events are different for everyone. He had some clients it took 5 years before it truly hit them. He calls it acute grief that people assume we experience at the time if the death, but it's very different. That is more shock and disbelief. The last 3 years were certainly hard, full of grief and all that comes with it. Is year, tho, I feel truly beaten down to the point of what is the purpose of going on. He will never be back. I will die alone. In between I have no one to share the time I have. I wake every day with thoughts and plans and no one to share them with. I've handled small and major things on my own so I know I am capable. But this year some events happened that held a magnifying glass to the reality and I cannot look away. It's finally become real. Part is taking no pleasure of accomplishment for what I do. It's all just a pain in the ass now. It can be as small as little chore we shared or as large as getting a call after all this time from someplace that didn't know he had died. Now the changes around me have a big impact. Not that I thought there was, but I see so clearly there is no going back and the road ahead of me. It's what has been talked about in other topics. Assumptions we are 'better' with the knowledge. We are more adapted to doing for ourself because we have no other choice. Maybe it is that choice that is missing that is a big trigger. Without getting profoundly detailed about things that happened to me this year, what I can say from many sessions with my counselor is that in voicing them I am understanding why this feels like the first year of ultimate true reality. One hugely significant change and then the constant little ones are taking a toll. Time is irrelevant. This is my time of painfully acute grief. All it has done is reset the clock and this is my first year I see the truth of it. No books, platitudes or anything can ease my soul and heart. Timing is hard because talking with people is far past their understanding of the permanence of this so it becomes more isolating. They've 'heard it all before' kinda thing. While I absolutely hate how intense this is, at least I know I am not going crazy. Well, in some ways yes, but in keeping with what I am dealing with. I have no interest in life right now. Medical issues are info gathering only to me to decide what is worth pursuing with so little motivation. They (whoever they are) say do it for yourself. Easy to say if you had a love of life. The redundancy of days upon days in this new life I never wanted have beaten me down. I've missed all the things we do, his voice, his presence, his lifeforce for so long. Do you ever get used to a lifeless house after 30 plus years? I don't know, sure can't see it now. He has been replaced with an iPad to fill my hours at night. Hardly warm and cozy. I don't read articles on grief anymore. I am a veteran yet a newbie. I have found no answers. I don't have that belief I will see him again which makes it harder. If I'm wrong, great, but I have to live in this world now watching life go on and often in happy ways for others. I'm functional. Like a robot. I've become a good little widow in the eyes of the world. I keep it to myself. A big thing I have noticed is no one really asks how I am doing about this. I wish someone would sincerely so I could have a good cry and not be alone doing so. Now I go out and do 'normal' things like shopping and then come home to this wonderful home we made that feels lifeless. Where is that guy who helped me unload or had a smile and signs of life within? I don't count the dogs because they have adapted as animals do. Sorry for the novel. Your post just brought everything I struggle with to the surface.
  3. Kay, I miss walking so much without so much pain. It really helps and I sure see that now. What frustrates me is I didn't choose this, it chose me. I was active my whole life up to the last year and a half. I watch people walking and envy them now. I do what I have to to get around but lord it hurts! I'm glad you can keep it up.
  4. I'm happy for you, Marg. I am financially secure but people deprived. Nothing replaces human contact.
  5. Marty....the twist I heard in F.I.N.E was F*cked up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. I kinda like the insane better, it's more accurate. They both work tho. 💔 Tom, I've been using the 'hanging in there' too but have noticed people take that as almost 'fine'. They say, know what you mean or aren't we all? I'm more intrigued when to reactions when I say 'not very good' or something like that. Most people get tongue tied as they are not expecting it. But hey, they asked. (Insert shrug here)
  6. It falls on us to educate those on the outside. I'm finding it isn't as hard anymore now that I realize I can't explain all the feelings which they would never get anyway. When someone starts down the 'road of advice' I simply stop them, explain I don't want any unless asked and thank them for thier concern. I have had to do it repeatedly with some but I have finally backed off everyone. New people I will do the same. If someone had gone past the limits of understanding and actually had someone they wanted me to meet, I would probably have to resort to words best not typed here. That is way overstepping a personal line.
  7. Steve gave me a small medallion with hope carved in it. This was when we thought he was clear and asked me to always carry it. When things turned I threw it across the room and he asked me to always carry it which I do. Every time I change jeans I see it and wonder. I know I hope for some lessening of the pain, but that hasn't happened. I look at it and just see it as almost ridiculous. But a promise is a promise so I keep carrying it after 3 years. I know we all want to go back and wish we could cure our partners illnesses. My dream is they never got sick, had accidents or whatever took them away and we would have never had to experience any of the countless stories we have all shared. I miss being an optimistic person. This changes you for life. Its wonderful Steve and Cathy found each other. They can share their pain as well as love again. It's the sharing I miss most, good and bad.
  8. Janka, i wush I could print out your above post and put it where I could see it all the time. I've long ago accepted the grief, but the loneliness. Is still so cold. One can talk to counselors and people here, but when you are so truly alone day and night without that voice or contact it gets so crippling at times one can feel they are going crazy. I'm at 3 years and finding this the worst of the loss. I suppose they are onnevin the same, but I would give anything to talk to him. To hear his laugh, comments and ideas fir real, not just the memories of how they filled our house with life. Nothing earth shattering, just 2 people in life and live together.
  9. I have nit adjusted to the 'no touch' thing. I feel the loss of it so intensely. Skin hunger. In this just contact. When I get a good one I don't want to let go. I getting those quick hugs from people but they are so fast and gone. The times I felt true caring are like a warming in the cold of my life now.
  10. I really feel for you, Gin. I don't recall what your medical issue is, but prednisone is such nasty stuff. I had to take it once and hope never again. Maybe there is an alternative because your reaction sounds very abnormal. You dint ask for my advice, but I certainly would be alerting the prescribing doc.
  11. I/we have an accountant do it. It's somewhat easier, but I now have to gather the information instead of just signing when they are complete. I never took Steve for granted and what he did. Vice versa. But having to be 2 people now is exhausting an a constant reminder of his absence.
  12. Nothing like the level of mishaps you have had, George, but I was going to take my power nap before dinner and that is when the lightbulb decided to quit. I depend on that so when I wake up I know it is evening, not morning. Bedroom is always dark in the morning. Anyway, it is interesting the timing of things.
  13. Sometimes I sit here and think this is reallly pathetic. Looking for things to do when it used to be there was plenty and by end of day we were happy to sit down and relax. Watch some TV, eat dinner, etc. I get so desperate that if a lightbulb burns out I'll ake a trip to replace the spare. I can't even tally the miles and time I've invested to fill the days I am not volunteering. Even then, I still keep coming home to this cold, lonely house. All the 'we' times are gone. I'm so tired of doing things alone like meals and waking up knowing that is how it is going to be ALL day.
  14. What sucks is the providers don't care about the loss. It's business for them to get their payment. I understand it, but very much appreciate when I get an empathetic persn to talk to if needed. All that is long behind me now. It's onlybcome up since my COBRA is ending and I have to get set up with private insurance. I occasionally get calls from places Steve was involved with or cancer societies and I always ask to be removed from their calling lists. Manybdont even say they are sorry. It's all about the money for so many places, but a little 'I'm sorry to hear that' would be nice.
  15. The worst things I had to deal with are financial and legal issues about Steve. They are cold, emotionless and a horrid reminder of what we lost. I'm sorry you had to go thru this. First tax return I did (which normally Steve took care of) ripped my heart out. It's like having to check the widow box on stuff now.