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Gwenivere

Contributor
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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Recent Profile Visitors

3,567 profile views
  1. I was looking at the definition of alone. Separated from others, isolated. Considered without reference to any others. what a cold word for a cold reality.
  2. For me, at over 3 years and finding the fallacy of it getting less consuming just that. Time passing is making it worse so sometimes I feel like a loner even here as I read progress made by others. I am happy for them but know we are all different. I’m also facing big medical issues and I know that is contributing. We never had any big goals, just lived day to day like most folks, but now that he’s gone it has become trudging thru the days knowing I face them alone. No one to add some spontaneity or share routine things like meals and outings. No one interested in where I am, what I’ve experienced or would notice if I am late or merely wonder if I disappeared. I now have this feeling I am waiting for something, but I don’t know what because life is so empty. Before just living with him was enough, the rest took care of itself.
  3. Gwenivere

    Scrambled mind

    What frustrates me are the options are very limited. And some are very dark.
  4. I keep asking my counselors if I am losing my mind. They say no. I haven’t thrown anything out lately, but have had to get into things in Steve’s office I need. He’s everywhere I turn and especially there. His desk is so bare without the mess of his music pursuits. No guitars and cords obstacle course to the back door. It looks.......nice. It also looks dead. There are no more reminders of his daily life. Replaced an air freshener in his bathroom and saw Advil he took. Caught my eye and I thought wow, that bottle hasn’t been touched in over 3 years. A trash candidate? Yup. Will it go there? Nope. There is nothing left I will throw or give away after all this time. All the cold legal stuff is done. Clothes, except a few things he treasured and have very fond memories of, and boxes of 'maybe needed' computer parts are gone because they were a tripping hazard in the garage and.....useless. His last bottle of open wine is still in the fridge. All his liquor is still in a cabinet. I saw some tobacco stuff he used in the fridge. It stays too. I don’t really see them but know I would if they were missing. His keys, wedding ring and now disconnected cell phone are where they always were. His iPad is still plugged in. It’s hard enough he is gone. These tangible things keep me from thinking it was some dream he existed. Time is trying to take him away and I won’t allow it. I don’t want to live in misery, but I can’t live thinking this was a fantasy love. Sometimes I guess I need the pain to say yes, he was real and so are the memories. I lose my mind either way with the attacks. I’m sitting here hearing our dog barking outside and thinking how he would be uselessly yelling at her to stop, chuckling telling him she’ll never change and him saying.....I know but I can’t help it. Just a daily ritual missing a big part, like so many others now. We all have them now and go thru them alone. I hate that word so much. Mostly because I never fully experienced it beyond its mere definition. I think we could all add a new one to it.
  5. My goal is not to be happy again because where I am now rejects that and fighting it causes too much inner conflict. Fortunately my counselors don’t push that. They do try and help me reframe things, works sometimes, but often not. I guess the best thing I ever read was not to fight where you are. You have to go thru it. No shortcuts or skipping it. I’m at the lowest point I’ve ever been and wondering how I will survive it. Too many things tugging at me from the outside world hat need tending and I am just worn out as they, ironically, spotlight the sadness and loneliness. Like Mitch said, things happen that would normally be things we could laugh about, but when alone they become horrible reminders.
  6. Marg, I don’t know what to add about all the people using you like a bank and your feeling guilt if you say no. I get requests all the time from charities, but they are not family. Truly a personal decision, but I do wonder why they are taking advantage of you, my opinion. Like the TV, if you have on to give, why do you need to deliver it? No one needs a TV, but if they want it, why not come and get it? Anyway, I hope you find a way to take care of you, your son and granddaughter and have the others needs something they need to find options for besides you. You sure don’t see rubber bands much any more. I remember when they got very old they would snap being so brittle. I relate to those rubber bands. I never know what each new challenge is going to do to me. The surgery is a new development but it could be the one that snaps and takes me with it. All the things that have piled up over the years of doing alone and hills compared to the complications of this mountain and I am not sure it’s surmountable. It’s easy for people to say check out kennels and such. The point is I don’t know if I can handle these tasks required when it would be so much easier to deal with if I had Steve. But I don’t. It’s also the panic disorder in the way too. Also the support of my partner. As Kay was saying about a day she had to do a gazillion things and you wonder if you’ll make it. Yes, I have anxiety meds, lots of them, but stress eats them up faster. Sorry, i turned this around to about me. please think if you and Bri first. Guilt is a terribly useless emotion in this case. I have only felt it when I have deliberately caused someone pain of some kind. Otherwise, it’s A great manipulator people can exploit which sounds the case. My opinion only, you will do what you feel you must.
  7. I’m siting here in what I call the witching hour. Going on midnight, reliving another day alone I got thru, still have a few hours til bed. I have 2 things on my mind I have to tend to that 2 people could solve easily. But I have to make priority choices as always. It always causes high anxiety as it just keeps happening over and over again. How simple life was when we could divide and conquer. Now I have to figure where to move things to do it all myself. Vet appointment or reschedule so I can have the car dealer listen to an odd noise in my engine today? I have to decide on back surgery and staying in a rehab place because he’s not here so I can come home. Means care for the dogs, being alone in some rehab place for a week or two. Have someone come stay here, no way on that one. This is where I really get so depressed wondering where is my partner? Obviously Steve and I could handle those easily. Outsiders have all thier opinions and truly don’t get it. Especially the doctors. It’s all just procedures to them, no big deal. Sorry, just rambling because this happens so often and it doesn’t get any easier like so many think. Another night of crying myself to sleep and waking up where is the one that supported me as I did them for so long. No caregiver for me when I need it. It’s so unfair. So lonely. So sucks the motivation to keep going. I’m so tired of feeling I can’t breathe without him.
  8. It’s a shame some of the best tasting food is the worst fir us. I love Caesar salads, but only the romaine is really good for you. Love fried chicken too, but can’t tolerate the coating so have to take it off. Still tastes fried tho! Thank gawd fir I’ve cream. Can at least say there is some calcium. 😋
  9. Tell us what you can eat, Marg, and we’ll scour the cookbook. Ice cream? 🍦
  10. I spent yesterday afternoon in the ER. Had a severe panic attack, but it felt like a heart attack. The very worst of it was being alone and knowing it was probably triggered by knowing another week was coming with more things I have to face alone as always. I keep trying to reframe things to not be so broken hearted when the night sets in. Don’t know if I will ever master that. Maybe master is the wrong word, but to not be so overcome by what I know will not change, being alone. Everything else that has ever changed in my life I’ve adapted to as time passed. This is the only one that has gotten worse. But then, it wasn’t my everything that changed. I don’t know if anyone else feels this, but I am so tired all the time. I miss energy. I guess that comes from not caring about anything anymore and the irony I have to take sedatives for the anxiety attacks. Depressing that brushing my teeth is a big effort. Having no one to share doing things with or for and them for you. As many have stated, it is the worst feeling no one would notice if you were gone in in distress. Going to the hospital yesterday again made me realize not a soul on this earth knew I needed help. Im reading A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. It’s amazing how he found the words to describe this hell we are in. It’s quite interesting a guy wrote this so long ago and published it as men were expected to be so stoic. Losing his wife made him felt he lost his life, just like us all. It says he found his way thru it to some kind of sense of life again. I haven’t gotten that far yet. I can only read things about grief in very small installments, like a page or two before they overcome me.
  11. Kay, I’ve been at Foss for 24 years. Seen and shared so much there I can’t imagine not going despite the new administration. It’s something I have to reframe because I do love the people there and do report negligence when I see it. It’s just hard right now as it is in a phase I am not truly close to anyone. I’ve had times my best friends were residents. But as they are much older, things change. I’m letting myself be bothered and I know it is because I am so drained inside from other sources like health and intense grief returning. I lost a friend there this year so no one close right now. I’m hoping that eventually this new admin will lighten up, but they are pretty set and have the staff tense too. A lot of adjustment for everyone except the residents, which I am grateful for. I reported 3 aides and residents have told me how they actually do thier jobs now. It’s just another challenge of grief and wishing things were the same. So many people I miss and mostly telling Steve about it when I got home as he hot to know many I was close to. He was involved there too for a few years.
  12. I’m facing a day of talking to no one of any consequence. Doing hiring errands and home to silence....again. I really feel like it is driving me insane. Got a call from the breast care people who I have begged to take me off thier list. Tracked down the number and hope it will happen. I do not want to talk about cancer.....ever. Tax crap came in the mail so had to fax forms and pay the IRS. My alarm system went bonkers and I had to fix that. Not a day goes by now that isn’t some problem to deal with and the only one I would want to talk to Steve about anything because everything else fell into place after that. We don’t realize how much that banter was so fulfilling. Not a huge revelation, we all feel it. I have become silent too. Locked in my mind. I even notice it when talking to people out in the world. My core of connection has been severed. It’s so odd going to get gas so I can not go to the places we used to. Pick up a burrito to eat later alone as all meals have become. The group home sounds good. I would love to cry and have someone there that understood. An arm around me. Someone I could be there for. Even the volunteering is suffering because all the people I see talk to each other all day. It’s not like a spousal connection, but shared interests. I feel I leave feeling lonelier for it now. I take my anxiety meds an they hit hard with fatigue beause sleep is never right anymore. Im so tired of feeling sorry for myself. Yet, here I write about it. Nothing makes sense anymore I do.
  13. I’ve been noticing that every single person I have contact withs lives are so packed they don’t feel they have enough time. I have way too much now. I never was as overbooked as they are, but days didn’t feel like they lasted a week. I joke with them saying they can have some of mine. But I mean it, anything to shorten these long days that drag by like torture. They complain too. Sometimes I want to shake them and say.....at least you have options. You can cancel that dinner or party you feel you MUST have. You don’t have to take 2 classes of school when you really only have time for one while you work a full time job. And the biggie I hear is they have absolutely no time to watch thier favorite shows, so much to do. Geez, slow down and be grateful you have choices! My once balanced day, which I made sure was that way, has too many hours. I have to think of things to do to fill them on my own. It was so easy once. Always something I could choose from, biggest being stuff for us. Errands for Steve. Errands for things we needed. I miss being 'just right' busy living as a team.
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