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Gwenivere

Contributor
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About Gwenivere

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 11/25/1955

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Seattle, WA
  • Interests
    Nursing home volunteer. Reading. Dogs. Philosophy.

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    October 29, 2014
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Aegis Dementia Care, Seattle WA

Recent Profile Visitors

2,845 profile views
  1. Healing

    The thought of having to move would stress anyone out even more than they are. I know another member facing the same decision. While it is very hard to remain in the homes we once shared with our loved one, I,too, know the frustration of changes in my neighborhood and oddly, most are OK. It is the fact is IS more change and I think we are just burned out desperately wanting something, anything to be as it was. I find myself hating the Changes just because they exist and that is because nothing is remotely the same as my other life.
  2. I'm so sorry, George. I know dates of people I lost hit me harder now. We've been stripped of all protection now. There is no buffer left.
  3. Karen, the first thing I did was destroyed all pictures of a Steve when he was sick. That leaves me the vital and healthy ones and they are so painful. This whole thing is like a trap or maze we can't escape.
  4. My question, Kay, is what to do if the pain keeps increasing? Not following that path of breaks for a true smile or enjoying myself? No one can truly answer that, but I definitely not on that path. Maybe mine is meant to last longer than almost 3 years. It's very discouraging and very lonely.
  5. Healing

    I thought that with time things would get less painful, but I am finding the opposite. Coming up on 3 years I feel the worst I have ever felt. It is a nightmare now that grows as I age, live alone and matter to no one in the world as I did to Steve. I wake every day to more thoughts of why keep going on. It's scary because the is only one cure that doesn't exist. Every person I talk to has a zest for life. Be it small or large. All I know is they are not living in the darkness. I hear laughhter and don't know what that feels like. I'd settle for some time it is not always on my mind that anything I do doesn't matter to anyone but me and I don't even care anymore. Even in my dreams I know I am alone. So many things I see or think and can only tell people in passing. I'm still doing things to secure my life alone now, but I wonder why. I don't want to be here like this. The few people left in my life say they love me, but how do you tell them it is not enough? Every person I look at I wonder, who do they have that makes thier life worth living? Even teenagers on thier phones that have so much talking to someone that matters. I can't even say hi to the ones that did to me. My new doctor increased my antidepressant a bit. Lots of side effects but the worst being numbed out even more to anything but the depression. Makes it hard to cry too. I've told him of the apathy but as it has only been 10 days, I should ride it out. I hate the word suicidal, but I hate the feeling that if I neve woke up again that would be just fine. days I have to depend on myself to fill (no volunteeering or counseling) are the hardest like today. It's like the blind leading the blind. Trying to muster the energy to fill the day. Prepare for another long lonely night. Life without love. That sums it up perfectly. None coming to me and what to do with all I have for him. I want him to have it. I don know what to do with it anymore.
  6. Gracie

    Totally at a loss for words.
  7. Healing

    I'm so sorry, Mitch. TV now has many triggers for me. I don't watch anything medical and when commmercials for meds or conditions come on I mute them. That's the downside of having a TV as a roommate now. I only watch shows I record. or movies I rent that are mostly action. I hope your brother in law will be OK.
  8. I haven't really heard at much about our wildfires with Irma being the.focus of the country. I do know the haze we had is finally gone. I don't watch a lot of news because it is so depressing. I just hope for the best for anyone in harms way. Were so helpless to anything but donate to help.
  9. Gee Marty, I know you were tough, but to scare away a hurricane is awesome power! 🙂
  10. Ever have one of those days when something so obvious really hits you like it was new? For the past few days I have realized I have not spoken to Steve in almost 3 years nor heard his voice. One thing about it is I feel like I discovered some ammunition to shoot back to the people that hound me about 'getting better'. Now I can at least ask how do you think you would be doing if you hadn't had any connection like even saying hi to your partner in that amount of time? I know they won't fathom it, but maybe give them pause?
  11. I'm hoping brat2 made it out of Florida. Saw pics of the airports and everything was a mess. She didn't know when she would have access to a computer, but promised to email or call when she could. Her biggest concern is what she will come home to. Marty, glad you aren't in the direct path. Stay safe anyway!
  12. I'm 'selfish' too. Steve would have been much better at this, if you can call it that. He had his music, technical curiosity and a huge support network. Mine is so minimal and 2 biggies are people I pay. I always said if he truly loved me he would prefer me go first. Not a fair thing to say as we don't make these choices. He did say he probably wouldn't stick around long, just til the dogs died. I can't see him living without his family long either. He had alcohol demons I think he would have unleashed to stop the pain. That is what he told me. No matter how you slice it, the one left behind got the crappy end of the deal. I had someone ask me as I am so miserable, that I needed to get on with life as I was still alive, blah blah, blah.....would I want Steve to feel this bad? My first reaction was no. I ran it by my counselor and she said yes, ina way. We want to feel our love for each other would not be a simpler thing for the other if lost.
  13. Same here in Washington state. It's been dry so long and fires are out of control. Seattle is in a haze. Yesterday the atmosphere was yellow, oddest thing I've ever seen. We are getting predictions of meager rain, but lightning too. Other members are in Florida too.
  14. Brat2 is. Just heard her brother is flying her to Chicago for a week just in case. I know three are a couple of others in Florida, hope they check in.
  15. I have no plans to ever revisit our favorite retaurants. It's not because they have changed, it's because they were ours. I tried take out twice from one and broke down on the drive home. They are part of the past now. So much time was spent there solving the our worlds problems an celebrating special dates. Loss is so much more than thier physical presence. They are reminders of when life was good.
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