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Marg M

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About Marg M

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    Advanced Member

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  • Interests
    Watching Marvel movies with my granddaughter, reading, existing

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    October 17, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Kevin, my hope is what you quoted. For me it can be no less. Thank you.
  2. My cousin spoke of his and my aunt talking to her deceased husband while she mowed her yard. She was in her 90's then, so the fact that she was mowing, to me, was wonderful, and her talking to my deceased uncle, to me seemed normal. Now that Billy is gone, I think it even more than normal, it is some touch with him, even if it might be one sided it seems, who is to say? When we pray, we expect to be heard. Yet, my friend told me when I asked her if she talked to her husband, she said "your still young in your grief." I will always talk to Billy, and I certainly hope I will always pray too.
  3. Marg M

    My sister, Donna

    Having never had but one sibling, I think your family had many blessings Kay. So sad to lose one, I cannot afford to lose one, but I hope your group grows even closer now. I'm so sorry about Donna, and I hope, and feel she is now free and smiling from someplace beautiful. Your mentioning to Kevin a place you must have looked at, possibly a place around people that you do not have to work so hard. Places are hard to leave sometimes when so much living has taken place, but sometimes preserving our strength to carry our memories longer might help in the long run. "The long run" is a questionable place to live in, I know. I love your family picture. I'm glad you all could get together. I am sorry it was for this reason.
  4. It is hard to think of anything as an "option." We want them back, that is the option that is impossible to get back. It also is the one we have to accept. Not an easy life. I could fight a lion. I would lose. I have scars from this fight too. I'm still here, that's all I can do.
  5. Can we do this any other way?
  6. I talked to Billy's sister yesterday. First time I did not cry. Her husband is over 80 now and had to go to doc today. His legs have just quit holding him up. Always had back problems though. I have to call her more often. Lots of stuff "I have to do" that I never will do, but I still "have to do it." It is hard being older and losing so many friends (after your life has already been taken away from you.) I think another hard thing is four of them that are classmates have dementia, I will not say what type, I do not know. Does it really matter? In 1970, when I started typing all the discharge summaries, operations, consultations, clinic notes, admission notes, we only used the word senile dementia. I cannot tell you how many patients (until I caught on) that I gave AIDS related problems, instead of "age related" Guess they thought those old people were getting around. Karen, I think of you often. My friend lost her 10 year old girl in a playground accident, and she never recovered (certainly not). At Barbara Bush's funeral, they kept mentioning the child she had lost to leukemia, I think. My aunt lost her 30-something year old daughter to alcohol poisoning, and now my aunt is a shut in, we grieve our husbands, our wives, but a child.....parents should leave before their children. My grandmother was in her 80's when her first borne, my dad passed away. It was then that dementia took over, but she lived to 94 or 95. I can remember her daughters, my aunts, saying "Mama, you just told us that five times" and my Mammaw would just look bewildered. I find myself repeating things too. Sometimes I have to ask if I have said it because I will think it and think maybe I said it. My shrink from years back told me that the dissociation spells I was having was my brain protecting itself. Used to we had complete nervous breakdowns. Do not hear it called that anymore, but I know most weeks I have at least 2 or 3.
  7. We each had different circumstances. Billy and I gave away anything that would not fit into a 28 foot RV years ago. Then a few years later we set up housekeeping again because of family circumstances. When he left me, my whole attitude changed. I packed and gave away. My family took the fishing gear they wanted and we had people coming in and just taking things. In the mood I was in, I did not care. I was like a hungry dog guarding some things though. I moved (never have I regretted that) as fast as I could. I bought all new things but the bed. Not for sentimental reasons though. As I have said often, we were not homesteaders, more gypsies. Now I am back to my southern redneck roots. My mood changes with the clock, day, weather, song, TV show, cry at commercials, happy, sad, vanilla ones. Nothing I can do. He is not coming back, but I will go to him when the time comes. I My belief, my religion spoke here: 1 Corinthians 13:12 King James Bible For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known. Billy used to ask me why I believed like I did, he also had believed but he had doubts, questions. I told him it was how I had to believe. That is just me. There are others that believe like this, many believe otherwise, or not at all. We are given free will.
  8. Kay, I look up synonyms to describe the same thing I have said over and over. I guess that is similar to Billy (this was a man's man) never asking directions, even though I said "Billy, we are lost." "I am not lost, I just don't know where I am." So, maybe I am not lost after-all, I just don't know where I am.
  9. “The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” ― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Do you know that this by Kubler-Ross has probably been on here hundreds of times. You know I try to read about widows and how they handle the widowhood. I cannot read Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, she is the death writer. Well, I did it. And, all I can say is, she knew what she was writing. Yes.....I have not read her before. It is kind of like your family practice physician was Dr. Jack Kevorkian. He left me in that other state. Where ever he was, I was home. He was not there. I tell myself he cannot be gone. The next nanosecond I know, for sure, he is gone and he is not coming back. I listen to music, I cry. I listen again, I don't cry. Next time I will probably. Dammit, he just plain is not coming back. I have even been angry at him for leaving me. He didn't do it on purpose. I know that. I no longer cry until I cannot breathe. It is not okay. But, I have a lot of things occupying my mind at all times. There has been a moment or two or three that I thought I felt his presence but then, Billy was not superstitious and I am him and he is me and so I am not superstitious.........but I used to be. I miss my mystical, magical, imaginative life. And this year, I saw the Dogwoods, the Daffodils, the forsythia, the tulip trees, the "granny graybeards (and I have no idea if that is what they really are called). I did not see them last year though. Possibly I am developing scar tissue over the wound that will never heal. But, it will tear easily.
  10. I didn't turn out like my mom, although I do wish I had gotten more of her genes, Billy wasn't like my dad, and I thanked God often for that, although bless his heart, my dad did the best he could and my mom did the best she could. The book was never written on how to raise two people like my sister and I turned out to be. To me, Billy was a perfect father who would do anything for his kids and grandkids, and did. I am happy Bri is adopted and won't inherit some of our genes, but she sure inherited all the love we had stored up, ready to give.
  11. I am really ashamed of myself for fussing about family. There are so many without family. I am sorry for that. I might be taken advantage of, it was allowed by me though. Billy and I both knew we enabled our children and grandchildren. We spoke of it and we both said, if we had to do it over again, we would not change a thing. We gave up our dream retirement to help save our son. He was ready. He was 36, and he came close to death many times. I do not regret one moment, although for awhile, I was kind of resentful. If he had died because I held a safe place away from him, there would be no life left for me that was happy in any way. I have said too much and fussed out of frustration. I am sorry. Not to say I won't do it again. I hope not though.
  12. Gwen, your really someone I wished I lived close to. (Well, guess you can't take the southern and put it in the Northwest). I understand what everyone says, and I have everything I need. It is funny, not in a ha-ha way, but ironic how little you really need when the one you shared it with is gone. But, I still feel the same, I cannot enjoy something if I know someone else is doing without. I am really not a goody-goody person, probably a stupid one more than anything else, but it does go along with all our feelings..........it is hard to enjoy anything anyhow, you try, but if someone you care about needs something, if you can do it, you do it. I see all these homeless people, people sleeping on the streets and people on drugs that walk mindlessly through life. Maybe I do this because I cannot help them, but I can help the ones I know, all of them but my grandson who is a homeless person, on drugs, somewhere we have no idea where he is, and we only feel hope when he is arrested and put in the system so we know he has a roof over his head, is being fed, and is warm. I cannot help him. I would if I could, but he does not want help. He is "lost" in California somewhere. So I help the ones I can.
  13. I have not read the article yet, but I will say that my granddaughter is the one that tells me "Mamol, you have to learn to say "no" you never tell them no and your going to have to. I am going to read this, but I don't know if I ever will be able to say "no" unless I really don't have it. I don't know if I can live with myself and yes, they do know it, and I know I am being taken advantage of. Right now one is doing without a TV, I have three and would give one to this person but I cannot travel that far right now. I just don't know if I can say no and live with myself.. Now I will read and make a copy of the note you sent. ADDENDUM: I did read it, I printed it out. I understand the concept, but I still cannot appreciate any comfort that my loved ones go without, if I can possibly provide it. There are many of us who have no one to help us. Our grief is made that much greater. I wish I could be there for them. I cannot, but I can be there for others that need me, until I am gone. Then, like Billy said, the worry will be on those left. And, it will be written in stone. I will make sure of that if I live long enough.
  14. Perhaps I should say nothing. My granddaughter tells me that I just need to tell these people "no" but she does not think about her being in the midst of all my problems too. Gwen, my problems are completely different. The fur babies may have to stay in a kennel while you stay in rehab. Visit places before you go to rehab. When Billy was sick, the five weeks he was "down" I never thought about asking for help. I had my son living with me and actually my daughter, granddaughter and an unmentionable person. (Unmentionable, because I want to call her names that are ......unmentionable). And then, all of a sudden we had a visiting nurse and a rehab person visiting us often. Who were these people? I didn't ask for them. Yet, they were there to "tend to Billy." Perhaps you will have those also. Maybe you can stay in your home and they can come to you. Yesterday I gave away money that was needed by a family member. "Do you need it, will you have enough to make it?" I was asked this. Well, they had to have it, would never have asked otherwise. It left me with a bare minimum for three of us to live 10 days. (They will pay me back in 10 days and then borrow it again) so I said no to the paying back. This happens every month. I pay all my bills on the 1st of the month, so I do not owe bills for the next 10 days, but my son is here, groceries still to buy. In effect, I am supporting five people now. One never asks, but this time I was let know how much he has to make it till the 1st, so I fill up a truck tank and give money. At the end of the month my granddaughter and I both are holding our breath. Just say "no" Mamol. How can I say no when I have all I need, nothing I really want, and the guilt I pay for them doing without is not worth the penny pinching I will have to do. How can I leave them in need to just keep it from them? They need. I have. I give. Plain and simple. All I want is a stone to put on our grave plot. Not much to want but impossible to get in light of the need otherwise. I get a lot of money in retirement for one individual, but not so much for five. Say "no" and I cannot. Sorry.........just another thing that we have problems with. Some face it alone. Some of us are rubber bands. Do you remember the rubber bands that used to come on the newspapers that were threw into the yard, driveway, porch? My dad had a long cup holder screwed into the wall. The newspaper would come, he would put the rubber band on that cup holder. Over the years, those rubber bands deteriorated. Some of us have the problems of facing life all alone. That is hell. Some of us have the problems of being stretched like that old rubber band.
  15. Nayajivan, I am so sorry to hear how you feel.. I will say that many, most on this forum feel, and have felt, the same. I will tell you unashamedly, I was married 54-years, I knew no other life really. In my traumatized mind I planned out a way to be with Billy. I had the means, no pain, I wanted no physical pain because the mental pain itself was more pain that I could bear. I would drive my truck into the many backwoods roads in our national forest, places we had walked together. No one would find me. I would write notes to my family. They would miss me, but Billy was our head of the family, and I was just following him. My young granddaughter got word of what I was going to do, overheard my talking to myself. The rest of the family intervened and I honestly was made so ashamed of myself. They were so angry at me. How could they be angry with me? I just wanted to be with myself, I was him, he was me, we needed to be together. Since then, I have fought many wars with this family. What seemed the easiest way "out" was not easy for anyone but me. You have young children. It is hard to think of others when our needs are to be with the one who left. Then I remembered Billy saying "the one left must stay." I got angry. I had been sick so much, why did I have to stay? I did not want to stay. How selfish of him to make me stay. In the 2-1/2 years (yesterday) that he has been gone, my family has depended on me so much I just want to yell at them to leave me alone. Quit needing me so much. I am only one person, but in a note that was put on a social network my daughter described me as the matriarch of the family and four people depended on me. They do, and I want to scream "quit depending on me," but I cannot do that. You will have many bittersweet moments in your young life. Your boys will graduate, they will go on to colleges perhaps, they will get jobs and might leave you, but you will have grandchildren, and you will wonder how, and will miss your wife not knowing these grandchildren, but they will know you, they will love you. We lost our main life and love. We lost our reason for living. Time does not heal those wounds. They will never heal, but as I mentioned before, a little woman who lived past 100 years old and lost her husband, lost many of her children, she said time does not heal wounds, but we develop scar tissue over those wounds. My granddaughter heard me talking last night. I was looking at a picture of Billy in his younger days. To me, at age 75, he was even better looking (and looks did not matter), but the essence of the man that was my main reason for living, I saw him in the picture, and I said "I cannot believe you left me" and she heard me in the back room. I will keep talking to him. I will never quit. Then, today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, one day in the future, I will join him. Until then, I will be the "head of our family, and as they call me, the heart of the family, until it is my time to go. I won't choose the time. But I won't fight it either. Please give yourself time to grieve. Let your boys grieve, but don't make them grieve both of you. If not for this forum, I would already have left..............and I would have been wrong. We lost one of our members not long ago, at his own hands, and he left a grieving family that flounders. We have to endure the hurt for others.