newnormal

Im sorry but 10 months later, his words were right. He always said the world still turns and everyone is in a hurry to get to McDonalds. I am not. His siblings don't speak of him. My children remember but try to forget. This is normal and healthy for them due to their young ages of 24 and 27. The world is just he and I now in memories and thoughts. I don't want this. I didn't ask for it. But I contributed to it whether intentional or not. It still holds true in my responsibility. Just life. I accept it.

I am in Nashville area. If you need info, feel free to contact me.

Hollowheart, I too struggle with the fact that I did not do all I could do for my husband. It eats at me every second, every minute, ever hour and every day. I wake up from nightmares about it. My husband didn't have any heart issues we knew about either. He was 59 and ran a marathon when he was 56. Excellent shape. I researched back 20 years looking for the "thing" to blame. He was a pilot. He had EKG's every year from the FAA medical examiner.He was never told that he had six minor abnormal EKG's in 10 years. Not once. He says in every primary doc consult (got those records too) his EKG's were normal. I asked the doc, and he said, "Nope, never recall telling him because they were not significant." They were per a cardiologist I had all the records in the three inch binder collected. July 9, my husband came home from the gym saying he had a feeling like someone was sitting on his chest. I looked it up and read to him HEART ATTACK. He said no, he drank a red bull and two cups of coffee. Let him lay down. Because he had such an aversion to caffeine, (huge one), and zero heart history in the family and those 17 years of "normal" EKG's, we did together. He was good after 10 min. That afternoon, I felt his hand cold and clammy. I asked him about it. He said it was my imagination and he felt great. The following week, we banned caffeine for life with him. He was just like always. Great. We drove home from a trip 11 hours and died a day and a half later. On that trip, I brought up what happened to his sister who was a nurse for thirty years. She didn't make a big deal out of it. Get it checked when we got back. We were waiting in the parking lot of Best Buy to buy a computer. Dead. In my case, my husband knew. He didn't know it was a heart attack, but that cold clammy feeling? He felt it. It was Angina. It was not my imagination. That day, did I know that was even a thing? Nope. Did he? Nope. But, he knew he didn't feel good or right. He made the decision to tell me he felt fine. I am telling you this because this is where I am today. Each day, a thousand times a day, I tell myself that I am not responsible for the universe. I am not responsible for the doc who should have, my husband who should have, or his sister who should have. I am only responsible for myself. My husband and I made a terrible mistake together with the information we had available at the time. Today, I am as dead as he is. I go through all the motions of life. I just don't feel anything doing them. Then I lose it and go through the motions again. You and your mother made the decision you made based on the information you had at the time. I repeat AT THE TIME. You loved her. There is NO way you would have turned your back on her HAD YOU KNOWN just as I would end it all right now if I could swap places with my husband. He was the best of the two of us by far. What you are doing is hurting your Ma. That you have control over. Just as I have to remind myself exactly the same or I hurt my children. It is easier for me to blame myself honestly and it FEELS a whole lot better because I can point at the evil that caused my husband harm and hurt it back. ME. Trouble is, that is not the real evil either. The real evil is unnamed. We don't know what it looks like, we can't find answers no matter how hard we try, but we know in our hearts, it is real. The pain tells us that. Four months later, I am still searching for answers. You would not have had her sleep if you KNEW. You can't blame yourself for something you didn't KNOW. You loved her so very much. Four months in, those thousand times a day of telling myself, I can't blame myself for what I did not know, I fail about 998 times. Maybe in six months, it will be 990. etc. Hard to accept the truth that I could not protect him. You protect people you love more than life. You just do. Sometimes you have to accept you just can't and that is the hard part. I wish you peace. The evil doesn't have a name like cancer, or heart issues, or anything else. It just hurts not understanding beyond the loss of losing them.

SCBA, This is going to come out wrong, but I am proud of you. Proud that you told the truth, proud that you accepted the truth, and proud of you for even trying. It took a lot of courage to do. We are all very fragile. Things we were before are things we are not now and for me that is very frightening. I was always the one who could get anything accomplished. Work around any barrier. Figure out a way to get it done. I don't need to explain to anyone on this site why that doesn't work anymore. We all know why. That said, a year ago, most likely you couldn't have even taken a step out the door. You did that day to make a step forward in a big way. Whether or not it turned out the way planned, it was a step. Give yourself credit for that. Its all we can do inspire of what those who aren't in our shoes say....we can gauge our days on how we were a hour, day, month ago. I get dressed now. I now can go in public without bawling most of the time-grocery store excluded. It doesn't mean we forget-it just means we are trying. Baby steps. That is what I am thinking we can hope for.

I agree with you Gwenivere. We all mourn our old life which was composed of the person who left us. Its not the objects or things, but the silly things we cannot even begin to explain to another human being, even on here. The people who haven't been through it don't understand even if they do have the best of intentions. That is how I picked my name for here. A week after my husband died, I was told this was my new normal. Truth yes, harsh oh boy. To hear my own sister in law tell me I am young, that I have a chance to meet someone else, totally in kindness, well....no words. I have had to tell myself many many times be grateful they don't understand. To wish this upon someone else, well is inhuman. I struggle even as a Mom-I see my daughter and son trying to bravely go to concerts or football games-My first thought is "how can you do that?" My second thought is pride that they are trying. They have their whole lives ahead of them and it is different for them. Their life is just beginning. For us, our life is on pause-

Brad, My husband had ulcerative colitis and chrohns disease was lurking per the doctors for years. If not too personal, exactly what are you eating? I know you know the drill about the bland foods but if you were like my husband, he didn't like to do it. I did it for 28 years. So here is the "wife" lecture. Get yourself to the store, buy the white rice (yes they make it in microwave bowls so it is NO fuss), some jello, sugar free, some peas, and some eggs. Make poached eggs on rice for about three days Brad. It will allow your system to calm down from the stress of the sugars from the prescription cough medicine. Yes, we had been down this road as well. Do what your wife did most likely and put your pillows on top of each other so that you are sitting up sleeping so that the fluids back off the cough a bit. I know its in your lungs but you also most likely have drainage. Can you get a butterfly and pull the incision together? It is too big? She did it because she loved you Brad. Show her you were paying attention. Oh by the way, easy for me to say all this. I understand this from the wife point of view. That said, I lost it again at the grocery store and had to run out. Another panic attack, tears flowing like a faucet. Couldn't stop them. I hope my lecture is taken with a smile because I mean it only in kindness. It is gonna take years Brad if it ever gets better. I am not certain it will. I listen to my husbands tape every day when he was in Korea. He did a countdown to coming home. I do a countdown every day to one less day I am here until I can go find him. You know what to do for that colon. Get it done Brad for your wife.

Good way to look at it. Remind myself how much I do love him and that while he's not here, WE still are. Just because he died physically, doesn't mean he died in ME. I wish I could have been a better wife, but also realize that he had faults too. Yes, it sucks that we only had about six months that we were on the same "page" of his last year of life, but we did have those six months. I just miss him so. It reminds me of when he went to Korea when he was in the Army. My mom had alzheimers, we had our son less than a year old, I was working full time. He would send me audio tapes. It is of him talking about he has already been there a month and you can tell he is trying to be so positive. Then there is a pause and he changes the subject. That is how I kinda feel. I am four months into this. Positive. Until I remember how long I have to go until I get to him again. Cant come soon enough.

I found a place in Nashville from Hospice. They allow other people to come. The cost is only 30 dollars per session. They have individual and group. We are going to a discussion on how to handle the holidays together on the 19th. They will have new group discussions in January.

I am so happy I found this site. The thoughts going through my head are actually spoken by others as well. I go to bed praying I will not wake up. I even make sure that everything is in its place and organized so that if I am that lucky it will not be a mess for my daughter. The first thought when I do realize I am awake is disappointment. I too have anxiety attacks. Never had one in my life until we were driving to bury my husband. My son who came from Korea imploding and was drinking on the way up and saying terrible things. I didn't handle that well. Next thing I know my heart is beating like a hammer, my hands are numb to the point I had to pull over and have my daughter drive. I told myself heart attack or not, I WILL bury my husband first and I did. The attacks come now so random. In a store, thinking of what has happened, or an issue that has to be dealt with that has "confusion." You know, when you talk to the people on the phone who don't understand your husband has died, and this is why you have to do this or that, and they have to help you do it by filing a form, etc. They can even come when seeing people in a store or something that we did together. Fresh cranberries sent me running out of the store last week in a crying fit. I am sure people thought I was completely crazy. I was and still am. I am dreading the holidays. As a woman who LIVED for the holidays, I really can't believe I speak those words now. My husband used to say that these three months are all I needed for the year and he was right. So many traditions. For 28 years, we went together to a tree farm to get a tree. A Christmas ornament to remind us of the wonderful year from day one of finding out I was pregnant with our son. Decorations everywhere. Christmas cookies. Husbands birthday coconut cake every year on the 12th. Sons birthday on the 9th. Daughters birthday on the 1st. Thanksgiving dinner with a 20 pound turkey because son and husband both LOVED the dark meat. The ever so cute way he would always ask me if I got the fresh cranberries to make him cranberry sauce. The signs he and I made on the back of wrapping paper that we put up on the kids wall on their birthday. We mailed the signs to them when they were older. All gone. He was very doting on his older sister and always had me buy her both a Christmas and birthday gift. I dread having to do that this year, but in my mind, I know he would want me to do that still. Not sure how I am going to get that done but I will for him. I just want to fast forward to February. Know I can't. Just don't know how I can either. Guess a day at a time. I did run away. We had a beautiful "Grandbaby" house that we had since February done a lot to. We had plans. We had honey bees together. We had been collecting boards to build a garden next year. We were going to have chickens. We were going to Yellowstone next year-he always wanted to go. He was two years from retirement. Our kids were happy and were well on their way. It was finally OUR time. Then life ended. I blocked it all doing tasks. I didn't even tell my neighbors. I put the house on the market, I did all the paperwork required. I maintained it all. I packed up our life and put 3/4 in storage and now live in a rental house about 30 minutes from my daughter. I have my husbands office set up but can't go in there without going into a tizzy. Took me a week and a lot of discussions with him. People told me I was strong. I wasn't. Just really really good at running. I am running out of ways to run and that scares me.

I am finding that in the Nashville Tn area there are no group grief counseling places unless it is religion based. Religion and I are no longer friends. We do not speak. I have called Hospice, every funeral home within 50 miles, and they are all for suicide grievers. I will keep trying. My daughter and I thought we found one but nope - suicide again.

We as in my grandmother and I and you and your grandfather.

Are you in the military or possibly a school teaching program? My son is also going through the same thing in Korea but he is in the military. To make you feel better, I have not cooked a meal as a woman who did before for four months now. No point. it is just me. I will eventually but I eat salads now or snack. Great diet lol. I have lost 30 pounds in 4 months but guess what, I needed to. I eat okay. It is just different so when you see your Dad don't be alarmed. We aren't eating anymore "with" someone. We are eating to function. Nothing wrong with that, just a different mental thought. Don't sweat the small stuff. Just understand I realize how difficult it is being in a foreign country mourning by yourself worrying about a parent. That said, as a parent with a kid overseas, well, ditto. Mine imploded. Best kid ever, boom over his fathers death which also was a heart attack unexpectedly. Widow maker.

True story Tom. My father hated my grandmother. I loved her more than my own mother. She has dementia back then. Fancy word you will understand is Alzheimers. My mom went to her while she was passing. She called and told my dad it was time. He would not take me to the bus so I didn't get to go to her funeral. I am old now Tom. 52. I just lost my husband which is why I read your post. Here is the deal Tom. Grandparents don't ever go away. Sorry but that is my belief. My grandmother has been beside me since I was 11 even if it is only in my own mind. Knee surgery. Talked to grandma. Mother died. Talked to grandma. Husband died. Still leaning on grandma for strength. Truth. Talk to him Tom. He will hear you. GOOD Grandparents are allowed. They don't have to play by the rules the rest do. They earned the right to hear. They may not be allowed to respond but it my belief that they are allowed to be sitting right beside you your whole life to give your strength. I may be wrong but I have believed this with all my heart for 41 years. I have been in your shoes Tom. Don't know how old you are, but 11 was my age I lost the one who saved me. Made me feel loved and safe and then had to go. Except she really didn't and I am betting your grandfather really didn't either. Use the advice he prepared you with Tom. What would he be telling you if he was beside you. No, you won't hear the words outloud but don't you already know the words? I can tell you the color of my grandmothers curtains, the floorpan of her house, the smell of her basement after all these years Tom. She reminds me so I don't forget. I hope when you are my age you can too. It means we are still together.

Hi Deb1 Yes, you are just about the right age. My daughter will be 24 in January and my son 27 in Dec. I have conflicts within myself Deb. One minute I am trying like hell to be independent of the children and the next I am resentful because I am. My mind tells me this is my job. My heart tells me I am not strong enough. Which leads me to why I asked the children of this post. You guys know. You KNOW. I don't and can't pretend to know. My husband was 59. I am 52. He was healthy. First surgery in his life was for a disk in his neck a year ago which he came through with flying colors. He took no meds, didn't smoke, went to the gym every day, and ate healthy. I smoke, eat like crap, (not heavy though-too much mental energy), and have never been to a gym. I work in the yard and do chores as I am an old farm girl. I am amazed the children do not blame neither their father or I for turning their word upside down. Maybe they know I blame myself enough for an army of people as WE made the decision but guess what, I am the only one still here. He can't be responsible as he paid the ultimate price. I have tried Deb to do this as much as I can on my own. We were very, very lucky. We had a beautiful forever home that we had painted literally 1 and 1/2 days before he died. We put in a stone walkway in April and electricity to his shop in May. We had beehives. We were going to have chickens. We were going to Yellowstone which he ALWAYS wanted to see next summer. He was two years from retiring. We were the best we had been in years. Stop. Gone. I am imagining that while the situation may be different for your Dad, there is no doubt he too is thinking what could have, should have been. Your parents, as did we, deserved it. We worked hard all our lives, tried to be good parents, and WE are gone. The family is still there. The part that started the family is gone. I would like to keep in touch with you. Maybe I can help you from a parent perspective and you from daughters. I will warn you. I have never quite seen things right so take my thoughts with a grain of salt. My children have been taught that from an early age and know I am little off. I was raised a bit differently and have a hard time seeing things as normals do sometimes. I moved. We had only lived there two and half years. Our previous home was home. This house didn't have time yet. 3000 feet for one person with 3 and a half acres not smart financially. We loved the house but he was not there. Hard to build a home when he isn't there. So, I now live in a rental near Nashville near my daughter. Myson is in Korea and due to triggers from his fathers death will shortly be departing the army. Long story. As far as your Dad, my thoughts are that your Dad is conflicted as I am. I can promise you that he is crying. Just not in front in you. If he has admitted he feels guilt, he is crying a lot as I am but men don't like to share that vulnerability. Women just can't help it. It just comes. It is pretty obvious he loves you a lot. I had no clue of any heart issue with my husband. In fact, if you had bet me he had a heart issue, I would have put in everything. But I would have been wrong. After extensive research, he had six abnormal EKG's of ten. Minor, but there was something there. We were not told by his flight surgeon because they were minor. I am anal and if the word abnormal crossed my husbands health, well, Katie bar the door because we were checking. He was a pilot and was told every year he "was good to go." Nothing else so we didnt have that chance. Had one chance. Blew it because we didn't know. I could have saved him and that kills me every day. I simply didn't know he had what he had to save him if that makes any sense. He had a premonition and an "dead" file if and when something happened to him. We used to fight over it because the thought upset me. It upsets me more how much I have had to use that file. Funny how things work. The point is if you tell me what you need, maybe I can also help you with what your Dad may need albeit from a woman point of view. Age is different. You are young, your whole life ahead of you. We have a few years left but right now if your Dad is like me he is feeling very old. Old people lose wives and husbands or they should. Not two people 51 an 52. Feed me your thoughts on your father Deb. I will feed you a woman perpective of what is happening. If a male spouse is reading this, speak up. We both know men and women don't think the same. Lets help each other out. Thanks for sharing Deb. I truly am sorry. My daughter and I are close.

In July, my what I thought to be perfectly healthy 59 husband went to the gym as he did 99% of his mornings. He came back little early and knocked on the bathroom door saying he had a heaviness on his chest. He said he felt it at the gym, sat down, did a few more reps, felt it again and then decided to come home. He said it scared him a little. I googled "heaviness on the chest" and boom, heart attack. I read to him the symptoms, and he had none of them other than the heaviness and fatigue. He convinced me that it was the Red Bull he drank with the two cups of coffee. He wanted to lay down for a few minutes and we did. Stupid. He was fine in 15-20 minutes. I made him take it easy and rest the rest of the day. He wanted to go to Lowes to buy two lights and I went with him. I held his hand and he felt clammy cold to me ever so slight. I asked him- he said he felt fine. He was not out of breathe, pale, nothing. I thought okay it is my imagination. I did put him on a never again caffeine lifestyle. We went to NY the next day to the lakehouse his grandfather built. He was fine. We had so much fun. We drove around the lake, worked on the house, went to dinner. I asked his sister a nurse for 30 years about it in front of him. He got mad but talked to her about it and I quote, "She said we should probably get it checked out." We drove home 11 hours straight and I was the one having trouble due to arthritis. I took a muscle relaxer and zoned out for 5 of the 11. I drove for 3. He was happy. We got home at 2 am, slept in. I did laundry, he puttered around doing chores. The issue was pretty forgotten honestly except we planned to make a doc appt. That night, we were trying to download pics and he was trying to work on an online class and our computers were old. We agreed to buy a computer the next morning. 5 to 10, and the store is closed. He made a joke about did I want to stand in lin e and stare at the door? I laughed and said no. He said he needed to get out and stand up for a minute. Not unusual. He left the door open. I am reading to him about the difference between MAC and Windows and the door closed. I thought he was angry. He had a temper sometimes. Over the years, I have learned to ignore this. I went into Best Buy and talked to the lady and waited for him. He didn't come. I went out after 5 minutes. Ambulance. Widow maker. Dead. He had a premonition since I met him that he would not live to old age. The kids and I laughed at him. He was so health conscious. He wanted to do another triathlon or walk the 30 mile trail we have in NC. He was a pilot-EKG's every stinking year. After he died, I went into investigative mode. All his records 20 years back. All normal with one exception. Of six of the last 10 years, his EKG's were abnormal. He could still fly as they were not "critical" and t o top it off, the medical examiner admitted he never told him. Not once. We were married 28 years. We got body slammed from the beginning. His mom died 3 months after we married due to ovarian cancer undetected, my mother had to come because as her only child, the hospital felt she was suicidal after drinking. She was great for a year, went back after we married, and I was once again called back from honeymoon. A tour to Korea, a mother with now Alzheimers, two small children. You get it. Rough marriage. He never gave up on me and would not divorce me. I can't say the same. I wanted him. Never had him after his mom died. The anger was there a lot. I could have saved him. How I live with this I don't know. I devoted my entire life to the kids and him. No more fresh cranberries at Thanksgiving or Christmas. No more silly sayings he had. No more 430 am coffee together. I am sorry this is long. I am sad, angry, confused at myself, him, the medical examiner, and every fat slob out there who is still living. I can't go in public. Heart races too much. Hands go numb to point the doc had me go to cardio. I wake up every morning disappointed that I did. I wish it was just over. We should have both died in the car during the 11 hour drive. If this had to happen, why didn't we just go together. There is no God. No Karma. Nothing. I admire the folks here so strong. I just don't have it.