Roslyn

Dear Beverly, I cannot tell you how to get through this. I don't know how I am surviving but there are countless people praying for us & holding us up- that must be how I am still walking around. Such horror for you to stand there hopelessly & watch as your son slipped away from you.I am so sorry for your loss, Beverly. It was 12 weeks on Monday when my beautiful Matthew "swam into heaven", and I know I will see him again when my time on earth ends. God gave me a vision while we were in Maui the week after Matthew died there, that showed me exactly that. Without the knowledge that Matthew is with God as is my Mum, his Granny, I would have no hope to live on. That must sound extreme to anyone who has not lost a child, because I have his twin & his oldest & youngest brothers & two grandsons[not Matthew's, he had no children]and his Dad, my wonderful husband. But if I had 10 children & 20 grandchildren I would still feel as much grief & sadness as I do.I would still mourn that Matthew no longer inhabits the earth, that his eyes no longer see & that there is no way I can ever touch him, hear him again in this life. I wept as I read your message- I know exactly what you describe, the utter despair. There is no pain to equal the loss of a child. As my husband said "I lost my Dad, I lost my sister, I lost my brother & I lost my Mom but THIS IS MY SON". I was trying to explain it from a mother's view point how after giving birth to a child there is left an indelible imprint on my soul & heart, in my body & my mind. Those places are now torn open & bleeding & I believe that they will remain open until the day I die. I am learning to live with the constant pain, as I have learned to live with the chronic pain of my health challenges I suppose. I can tell you Beverly, to offer you some hope in this hopeless state you are, that I do not feel now as I did 12 weeks ago-my grief is as big, but the dreadful blackness that overshadowed my entire being is not as constant. I weep every day, sometimes almost all day, that hasn't changed.I cry as I drive, as I shop, iron, clean, sew or speak, the tears come unbidden & they flow like a river. Tonight I was trying to go through the countless cards & messages & place them in a box I bought for them, & I sat & sobbed for hours. My brother & sister in law in Australia lost a twin son at 18, in January 2002. Todd was my godson & I couldn't imagine how they would survive that tragedy. Now I know.I told Gillian that we are members of a club none of us ever wanted to join. Hoped never to know. In fact it is the horror that sometimes comes to us in the night from the day that we give birth to them. Your faith in God, His promises of eternal life together with all the Saints, may comfort you. Knowing that my Matthew is not lost to me forever is a promise that I cling to. Blessings, prayer & a grieving mother's love go out to you, Beverly. I would be glad to her from you on my personal Email, but I'm not sure how to give it to you over the website.My sister in law writes to me all the time, sending me messages of comforting words & affirmation.It is good to have someone to talk to who has been where we are. Roslyn

Yes Gaby, our Matthew was filled with life & love-he gave 100% to everything he did & faced all that life brought him with courage & optimism. I think his website reflects well the kind of man he was & the way he lived his life. I know he will not want us to waste the rest of the days God gives us so we want to try & honor that. Today was actually a somewhat better day for me & when I talked to Betty she was also better-I am just thankful for it, the snow storm was gone & we were able to go walking under sunny,blue Colorado skies.I know that tomorrow I may not be the same- I will face it when it comes. Blessings to you,Gaby,peace & God's love, Roslyn

Thank you Gabrielle-I am so thankful for every word of kindness, prayer or deed. I feel like a black hole. I told our sr. pastor that I feel as if I am sucking up all the resources of the universe & still barely surviving. The worst horror of our lives, the death of a child. I think I still do not grasp it all, such a horrible shock. In June Matthew competed in another triathlon, finished 50 out of over 400 entrants & 15th in the one mile swim portion. That was the picture I posted, as he was finishing the swimming part. One month later, one week after his 38th.birthday, he died-his heart miss-fired during a training swim in the ocean in Maui . How could we not know, how could Matthew not know that his heart was not perfect? Just writing about it breaks my heart all over again. We are all "wounded to our souls", as his twin brother said. His friends in Hawaii made a website in his honor, www.mattatwood.com ,& as much as I love to go there I cannot even hear the theme music from "Braveheart" without falling apart. He was such a braveheart, my Matthew, a brave little boy & courageous man. Such a loss to us all.If I did not know that I will see him again when I go to be with the Lord, I don't think I could not go on another day. Blessings, Roslyn

Don't go, that's my advice. I am currently struggling to deal with the needs of others to see me or have me go out. I am just saying "no". The grief counselor told me it's ok to limit activity & contacts. It just takes too much energy to even talk to others. I need all I have just to breathe. So don't go to the tree planting thing. It's really ok.It doesn't represent your love for your mother. Blessings, Roslyn

It will be 10 weeks on Monday since Matthew left his life here on earth. I cannot see a time when his face will not be constantly in my mind. No matter what I am saying, doing or thinking, the grief of the loss is there, a great black cloud that weighs me down & frequently overwhelms me.It dominates my every waking moment.Probably my sleeping moments too. I dreamed last night that he was alive. I ask everyone if they can tell me when it will change. No one seems to have an answer. They all tell me it will "get better" but I don't believe it. My beautiful son no longer lives in this world & I believe that I will grieve for him till I die. I keep saying "what are we going to do? I don't know what to do". Roslyn[attachmentid=48]