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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

SEshbaugh

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About SEshbaugh

  • Birthday 03/31/1947

Contact Methods

  • Website URL
    http://SEshbaugh@cox.net

Profile Information

  • Location (city, state)
    Fountain Hills, Az

Previous Fields

  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of the Valley/Fountain Hills, Az
  1. It will be 1 year tomorrow since I lost the love of my life. This year seems so long and then again its hard to believe that its been that long. I sit here wondering where do I go from here, we met almost 30 years ago but didnt marry until 11 years ago. It took that long to realize we should have been together from the start. I thank God that at least we had that much time together but this was so unexpected. It was only 3 months from diagnosis until he was gone, there were so many things I wanted to say but didn't get the chance to. I light a candle for him every night next to his picture and pray he is watching out for me. I have gone to work which seems to fill up time but its still coming home to an empty home.
  2. I,too, am new at this site, just this past week. I know the lose you are feeling, I lost my husband & best friend (Rich) last fall. It will be 1 year the end of October and I miss him like it just happened . He was 1 day short of 3 months from diagnosis until his death. He had lung cancer that had already spread to the brain before we knew something was going on. There was no coughing, shortness of breath or anything just woke up 1 morning & his left hand wasn't working quite right. We though a mild stroke in the night, imagine our horror after the tests to find out this is what it was. He too went thru radiation (22 treatments) & chemo (6) but it only spread more agrressively. According to our former doctor in Oregon, we moved here 3 years ago, there is nothing that can stop this type. I forgot the medical term, something like oat cell_________. He said the treatment just helps with basically your quality of life for a short time. Rich was in the hospital for 5 days with pnemonia (which we didn't know he had) he woke up 1 morning just so physically weak I couldn't even help him up. They ran all the test while he was in & discovered it had spread in the brain, Nothing would help except to keep him comfortable. I'm so glad I was able to talk him into coming home (with Hospice) instead of a nursing home. The family & a very good friend from Oregon were able to spend time here with him, which was more comfortable for all compared to a room elsewhere. As he would have said (He had all his ducks in a row)he saw evryone that he wanted to, he was ablt to have communion at home on Monday & then took a short nap. When he woke he looked at me as if he didn't know who I was, but when I asked in the eve he knew who I was, he could say my name. He was fully mentally with it up until then but Monday he was (between places) with absolutely no strength all of a sudden Monday night he kept telling me he had to get out of here & was swinging his legs over the bed rails to get up. We are both tall rather slender people but it was all I could do to calm him down & keep him there for the night. Hospice came the next morning (I didn't want to bother her during the night) & put him on liquid morphine and said it wouldn't be much longer. My sister spent Tuesday night with us we all slept in the living room by his bed, but we were up about every 1/2 hour he was just very restless. We dosed off about 5:30 AM, woke up a bit after 6;00 am and he had slipped away. I know its how he wanted to go but I also think he was fighting it when he kept saying he had to get out of here (out of the bed & I'll be okay). Its been the worst thing in my life , we met in 65, didnt see each other again until 93 and married in 95. I wouldnt trade our time together for anything other then to have him back here with me.
  3. I know the feeling well. It will be 11 months Tuesday (9/26) since I lost the love of my life also my best friend. I finally went back to work about 2 months ago, just to get out amongst the living and to try to meet new people. I feel I have relied on my family long enought to keep me busy, I need to initate it on my own. Not that it will ever replace the life we had but I'm afraid I would go crazy if I stay home fulltime, I know my husband wouldn't want that. I miss him so much every day its hard to believe its been that long already seems like yesterday. I think going thru his birthday without him is the toughest of the holidays. My prayers go out to all of you who like me have ended up in this situation. What I wouldn't give to change all back the way it was 15 months ago.
  4. I can honestly say I know what you are going thru because I'm there but just a fewmore months have paassed. My husband & I met back in the 60's but I was dating his brother & he was married. Little did I know that almost 30 years & half way across the country, we would meet again. We did in '93 & married in "95, we always said from the start of the marriage, this is where we should have been the 1st time around, but maybe it took all those growing up years & raising kids to realize how much we appreciated each other. He reired in 2002, we moved from Oregon to Arizona in 2003 & thought we had it pretty good. We have some family here, but the kids are too far away (Illinois) & made friends. Neither of us is a couch potato so we found parttime jobs to keep us busy & meet other people, we both worked with the public. He woke up 1 morning in July '05, saying his left hand wasn't working properly (couldn't button his shirt) but when in to his job. They suggested he go to the doctor, like you we thought it was a minor stroke, so what can they do. He started exercising his left hand (that is all that was affected) but made an apt 2 days later. They started running tests on a Monday, Wednesday we got the results. It was lung cancer that had already spread to the brain, he had a complete physical in January, with nothing showing up to be concerned about. They started him on radiation (22 sessions ) & chemo (6 sessions). He made it through all to end up in the hospital with pnemonia, we didn't know he had that either no signs other than to weak to get out of bed even with my help. He returned home on Hopice 5 days later and made it not quite a month. It was 1 day short of 3 months from diagnosis to his passing. My sister & I spent the night in the living room with him up about every 1/2 hr, somewhere between 5:30 A,M. & 6:15 A.M. he just didn't wake up, that was on a Wednesday. It all happened so fast but on Monday I knew it wouldn't be much longer, he took a nap, when he woke he basically was gone (didn't know who I was). All the kids had visited sao had a very good friend from Or. the minister came Monday morning & we had communion at my husbands request. Its as though he knew, now everything was taken care. Monday eve I asked if he knew who I was, whats my name, he could say it but that was all he said. He was conscious to the end but Tuesday he was pretty much in another world, didn't say anything. I never really thought about life without him especially since it took so long for us to find each other & he was not one to have health issues. Our minister read a letter I wrote to my husband expaining how I felt. I never understood how your spouse could be your best friend but he was, we never fought we could discuss our differences which were very few at this stage in our life. Before he passed away, I did tell him if he was ready to go I would understand, I would always love him terribly (that was our saying to each other)but I would get through. I know my life will never be the same, it will be a year next month. The end of July I finally went to work which I enjoy my job (no pressure, office work) but still am not use to the empty house & someone else waiting for me to share the rest of the day & night with. Its an empty feeling that I don't know how to get rid of.
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