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About Cookie

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Cullowhee, nc
  • Interests
    Hiking, yoga, reading, good conversation, knitting, connection.....

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
  • Date of Death
    June 13, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:

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  1. Oh, kayc, that sounds horrible.....hope it does pass. This getting old stuff is hard. I had to laugh at your description of getting the "old ladies" out of the car. You have such a good attitude in troubled times....hugs to you, Cookie
  2. TomPB: I know what you mean about the hit coming after....I will think I'm doing ok, and then go home and the bottom falls out. I so want this to be a straight line forward because getting ambushed by pain is very difficult and I always feel like maybe I'm not moving through this.....Cookie
  3. Oh...that is very touching. Those gestures mean so much...hugs to you Kayc
  4. Yes, scba, unbelievable....my answer to that is I was free when John was alive, beautiful, nestle down in such comfort freedom. John's love gave me such freedom to explore myself and the world. Now, I feel trapped....love is the most freeing thing that there is. Also, I've had a real education since John died in terms of the carelessness of people. I know that many don't try to be hurtful, but, gee, a little thought before speaking would be nice....and then when you realize what you said was hurtful, wouldn't it be nice to address it at least and try to find out why it was hurtful? I think the person who said that about freedom never had the connection and love with her husband that many of us have known, so I try to think compassionately about it....
  5. Seriously? I'm sure they miss her terribly, but you ate, slept, spent all your time with her (like me and John) and besides loving her completely, just the enmeshment of both your lives makes the loss of hers so excruciating. I am reading "When Your Soulmate Dies by Alan Wolfelt, which I think MartyT recommended. If nothing else, it lets you see that you are experiencing the normal pain and disorientation of having half of you torn away. He says it's similar to losing a twin if you want to try to compare it to anything. Anyway, I needed it because I've really felt like I must be losing my grip. No one gets this except for others who have experienced it, and I mean losing a soulmate. I know other widows who have lost husbands and they suggest that I should be enjoying my freedom...(???) My heart goes out to you. It is a great comfort to talk to those who know what this is. Thanks for your support...Cookie
  6. So sorry that we feel like this, but it is a comfort knowing I'm not alone....hugs to you all
  7. Why is this so hard? It's been 3 years and, yet, I'm experiencing such sorrow, anxiety and panic with the anniversary of John's death being tomorrow. I've wondered if I have some disorder...PTSD maybe? It feels like a disorder....this can't be what we have to live with so long and for how long? Is this normal? I think the people around me think there is something wrong with me. I just can't shake it. I also feel apathetic....nothing is interesting...just counting down the days. Trying to keep busy....but it is work. Feels like I will never know what it is like to be happy or just content again....sadly, Cookie
  8. Janka: Thank you so much. I know you know what this is.....so wish we had our loved ones here......you are a very caring and thoughtful person......Cookie
  9. Yes, I would like to be able to say it's better, but it's still hard. John will have died 3 years ago on June 13th, and is very painful just anticipating it. Thinking of you all....Cookie
  10. Well, I don't even remember the 25 pages (oh no!), but I do remember the episode, and I've watched it several times....very sexy! Cookie
  11. Gwen: Doing whatever yoga you do in a hot room with high humidity is what will get you past your problems.....I know, I sound like a damn preacher, but I'm telling you, I had a horrible back problem that no one could diagnose years ago and very hot yoga is the only thing that worked. It was slow and took time, but what did I have to lose.....Anyway, my thoughts are with you. Getting old is no joke. Hope to keep moving till I die. PT always has made me feel worse. It's because they focus on one part and don't include the whole being and you're usually not warmed up enough. Well, enough of that.....take care, Cookie
  12. Kayc: Anyone can do yoga...trust me. If I could, I would send you some great gentle yoga videos. Try looking at ones by Patricia Walden, Rodney Yee, etc. There is gentle chair yoga. I started yoga due to a serious back injury 28 years ago. I went to Bikram's yoga in LA...very hot room with lots of humidity. I couldn't bend 1/4 inch in any direction, was in constant pain. All the doctors told me to never bend backwards. Well, that proved to be untrue, and the yoga literally saved my life by taking care of my back. It did take a year, but remember, yoga is not a quick fix for anything.....takes time, but is worth every second and you get many benefits along the way..... Cookie
  13. Please do try it if you can....you can even do gentle chair yoga. I had a yoga teacher once tell me that you can do yoga on your deathbed. I had an amazing experience just last week after a yoga class. We were all in relaxation pose and all of a sudden I "came to," meaning I had gone somewhere so peaceful, wonderful and full of love.....later when I reflected on it, it felt like John and all that is. I know that sounds strange, but that is how it came to my mind. Then I thought, God, I want to go there now. I had the feeling it was that place we go when we die, and I am not a hardcore believer in anything.....I've never had that happen before. I always feel peaceful after yoga, but this was something else. I have been having a hard time again. The 3-year anniversary of John's death is coming up June 13th, and the pain is cycling around pretty intensely. Maybe John was trying to bring me comfort. That is what I would like to believe. I told this story because it's true that yoga, any kind, gentle, aggressive, whatever, does bring you peace and balance, even for a little while. That's worth something! I'm impressed by your dad.....Hey, have to tell you I've discovered the Outlander series and books. What a fantasy, a sexy, wonderful fantasy. I've been using those for escape these days. Hugs to you Marg and all....Cookie
  14. Amen to that scba....yoga is just about the only time I can escape pain; takes me right out of where I'm at and balances me for a while. I highly recommend it.....Cookie
  15. I think that is the thing....that having someone you love more than life itself....what a feeling. It informs everything you do in life, adds new dimensions, color, meaning. I wish I could hope that was out there again before I die. Life doesn't feel very worthwhile living without it, and you can't just manufacture it......Cookie