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Cookie

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About Cookie

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Cullowhee, nc

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    June 13, 2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    LifePath

Recent Profile Visitors

1,187 profile views
  1. Gin: I hope I can give you some hope. I had a terrible back injury about 20 years ago. It went on for 3 years with no diagnosis. They finally told me there was nothing I could do and to just take antidepressants and learn to live with it. I was so depressed. I had tried everything, but, of course, I had my wonderful husband here to keep supporting me, saying all would turn out okay. I had sciatica down both legs that never stopped, sharp shooting pain day and night. What finally worked for me was Bikram's yoga, the hot kind. It took a year of doing it every day. I am not suggesting that is what you need, but only saying that it is true when it seems like there is absolutely nothing that will help, sometimes there is; it just takes time to find it. I'm kind of leaning on that idea in terms of wondering if this terrible grief-induced pain I'm in will ever smooth out...my John would say it would....we'll see. Anyway, I'm wishing a resolution for your back pain and I know it is so hard to go through alone....take care, Cookie
  2. Grief and Fear

    Janka: Oh the smoking! That would be the worst. I live alone but out in the country, and, although I used to treasure the peace, without John here it has changed from wonderful to painful most of the time. I don't know which would be worse, neighbors or none at all. But, I think that neighbors like you're talking about would definitely be worse. My heart goes out to you. But really, the actually living alone after having a partner is the worst of all. Don't know if I'll ever get used to it. There are so many little things. Yes, you do just go on and put aside all the painful little things, but that gets tiring and every once in a while I just stop and realize how hard I'm working at trying not to hurt at every little turn in this house. I hope for change in the future.....I've thought about roommates but can't get motivated for that right now; that sounds like a lot of work too. I do love being outdoors and living in a place like this certainly affords me that opportunity...just walk out the door and the beautiful woods are all around. It's the going back in that is deadly.....love to you all, Cookie
  3. Grief and Fear

    Crying is a funny thing. You can cry but it doesn't always bring comfort. I have cried plenty, but always have felt constricted in some way, especially if I'm in the presence of someone because it almost always makes them uncomfortable; they can be well-meaning and kind but still have a hard time hearing the pain. Crying alone can be hard too because I've needed someone to just be there; there is a comfort in that; I guess it's like what John used to do for me when I was upset about something because he cared so much. I've been having a hard time (like I know everyone here has) with the time of year; I had a dream last night where a woman was standing in front of me and I said to her "I'm so, so sad." She put her arms around me and I just sobbed and sobbed all out, and she just held me without saying anything; was just a strong presence, a companion to my pain; no judgment, no discomfort felt.
  4. Mitch: I was so touched by what you wrote...I can say that you truly spoke for me too so well. It's so incredibly painful but true. I also hope for a way to live without just existing...I guess if I didn't have that hope I wouldn't be here now.....
  5. Challenges

    Gwen: Happy late birthday....you're in my heart. I know, it hurts. A big hug just for you....Cookie
  6. Holidays

    Oh, he looks like a real sweetie....thanks for sharing
  7. Holidays

    I just have this dull sadness for Thanksgiving that has just fallen to depression, crying....it will pass and cycle around again, though. Had some nice company for the meal but being alone again after is such a hard part of this. As an observer of myself, I'm always amazed at how normal I can seem on the outside when inside I'm dying it feels. Is that the "fake til you make it" thing? I really hate the holidays this year more than ever, 2 1/2 years later....I have the sweetest pup to walk, though...Olive the poodle, cream, and looks a lot like the brother she and I lost this April. I am grateful for her....
  8. Boy, you and I sound like we have a lot in common. I do all that stuff too, but after my bee event had to hire out the yard maintenance for the rest of the year. Don't know what I'll do next season....maybe get a bee suit. It's true that it's hard to find people in the country and ones that will show up. How big is your house and property? Keep trying to figure out what my options will be in years to come....Cookie
  9. I had so much fear and anxiety in the beginning, but even after 2 1/2 years it still cycles around, but not so constant. I really hate it....takes me back to my childhood. Wonder if one is ever free of it....Gwen: The enemy is pretty big for me too. Just when I think I'm going to master this (being able to stay in neutrality), here comes the old fear, anxiety and then sorrow quickly followed by depression. It just cycles and cycles....that is what is so tiring. Hugs to you...Cookie
  10. Please...wouldn't that be great? When I leave here I would love to live in a community of like-minded people.....
  11. Thanks Kayc...John built this house and loved this property; that is one of the problems of leaving it. It was the last thing he did with his hands. His ashes are also spread here....but, it's a lot to take care of; so far, so good. The getting older part is what I'm so aware of. I am 68, still very active, but I know that will change with time. So, do you do all the work yourself too? The carrying wood, yardwork, etc.? I know you don't need the place to remember, but the attachments are so real...breaking them hurts. Hugs to you.....Cookie
  12. Marg: I love that idea....just not here right now. Think I will start trying to look at it that way. You have such a great way of characterizing things...wish you were my next-door neighbor....love Cookie
  13. Yes, it is wrenching to have to hear about everyone's plans for the holidays with loved ones. I know these people really don't know how it hurts to hear (I used to be one); it's something about myself I don't like now, feeling bad because someone else is happy.....how to overcome it? I live in a very rural area in the mountains of NC and am surrounded by couples...John and I loved living here just because it was so country and there were many other couples around...I can't move right now, but I don't want to run away either....I would like to come to some peace about this before I take that next big step whatever it will be.....God, this is hard stuff....
  14. Just watched this....crying....
  15. Two and a half years for me on Dec 13th (my birthday)....but I realize as I look ahead, it's a lifetime......
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