ChinUp54

Kitty~ I am so sorry you lost your dad so suddenly. Tomorrow marks the 6th anniversary of my own dad's passing and causes me to realize why I've been feeling weepy the last few days. Six years without him and I still miss him all the time. Grief to me is tricky in that I get to a point when I feel I'm done with it and like right now, it rears it's head and leaves me in a puddle yet again. I withdrew after my dad died as I knew I needed to heal and I didn't make myself do anything I didn't want to do. My dad had dementia for several years and I traveled every other month to visit him those last couple of years, so once he passed I didn't travel except for already planned visits like a class reunion. When I was home for the class reunion my uncle (dad's older brother) passed away and I was able to be there for my family. Seems surreal anymore that that happened almost a month to the day after my dad crossed over. There are so many supportive people here who will give you guidance as best they can. All I can say is listen to your heart and take care of yourself first. It will get easier, if that's the appropriate word, but I find myself smiling from fond memories of my father more so now rather than shedding tears. Maybe the better description is we become accustomed to this changed life without that very important person, our dad, no longer with us. Hugs.

Hello JohnR and welcome. I am glad you found this forum and hope you find support as I did when I first arrived just over a year ago. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish it hadn't happened to any of us, frankly, but together we can offer our support and experiences to help each other through this difficult time. I would like to offer perspective on this comment: Please don't second guess yourself. We do the best we can at any given moment and that's okay. I believe you were very brave to ask for what you need as you BOTH are grieving right now and hurting. I agree with kayc about taking care of yourself and as difficult as it may be in the beginning, find something that makes you smile and do that even just a little bit. You will have to trust that it will get easier, and it does. They say to put on your own oxygen mask first in the pre-flight talk, correct? That applies here too. There are so many things I would have done differently in hindsight, but what's done is done and there's no changing it. And I only make myself feel nuts rehashing things I cannot change. I choose to trust that what's meant to happen will happen and go on trying to be the best version of myself I can be. A year ago I was a mess. It felt like my whole life had been thrown upside down and had no clue what to do. All I can say is I heeded many of the wise words shared here and put one foot in front of the other. You will know what's right for you but I believe you're off to a good start. I hope you and your GF make it through this and have a bright future together. We're rooting for you!

Kayc~ The horses shipped from Colorado end up in slaughterhouses in Mexico. The meat is then sent overseas to Europe and Asia for human consumption. I'm not sure about dog food or whether any of the meat comes back here to the U.S. I read an article not too long ago that said a U.S. burger chain was found to have horse meat in their beef. Needless to say, not that I eat much fast food anyway, but I will boycott Burger King forever because of it. Also, horses are not raised as a food source in the U.S. This means that there is no monitoring of what drugs are given to horses and many are toxic to humans. It's a nasty business all the way around. Offering my opinion, there needs to be better regulation on breeding. These horses ended up purchased by a kill buyer at a local auction. Rescues do their best to outbid kill buyers at auction, but more times than not, the KB wins the bidding. Magic arrived at the feedlot directly from a breeder and did not go through auction at all. If there wasn't rampant over breeding (particularly quarter horses and thoroughbreds) there wouldn't been an overpopulation of horses and no need to send them to a horrific death. It's complex and everyone has a different opinion on what should be done. Our group places the value on the horse and saving it's life. I am proud to be part of this amazing group.

Kayc- I find it interesting that helping the horses has given me back big parts of myself. A friend saved 2 more horses last week and was bringing them to her ranch on Saturday. She invited me to go along to help load, which I did. Who would refuse horse time? When we arrived there were other ladies there picking up horses they had saved. It was fun putting faces to names as our rescue group functions mostly via Facebook. Plenty of hugs went around. One friend provides transport services so her trailer was full and she had a full afternoon ahead making deliveries. She then was helping everyone else. There were 2 pens of "available" horses and maybe 6-8 in the "safe" pen awaiting their ride to freedom. We went to halter the two horses and were warned that the big paint was "crazy." One of the lot workers had told another gal that. We kind of shrugged it off thinking "we'll see." My friend walked straight towards him while we watched. He stood there like a perfect gentleman and let her halter him. I then haltered Gilligan and we walked them out to the trailer where they loaded like champs. They knew we weren't going to harm them, that we were there to save them. I always get very tearful when leaving as there are so many others who weren't so lucky and have since been shipped to slaughter. Once we got to her ranch, we unloaded the horses and her other horses came running to the gate to see the newcomers. Kim has rescued 15 horses so far, 3 of which were minis she was able to rehome, which leaves her with 12 currently. Giovanni, the paint, called out to them announcing his arrival and Gilligan followed suit. We stood there smiling as they made their introductions. It was heartwarming to watch these 2 enter their own pasture (they have to be quarantined for 30-45 days just in case they picked up any ailments at the lot - which happens often). Giovanni surveyed the area with his head held high, then proceeded to roll 3-4 times. He was happy. Gilligan is a bit older and less confident, but he seemed to know he now was safe and followed Gio. It's the best feeling in the world watching them settle in to their new surroundings. When I spend the day with my rescue friends we visit each others horses and help each other out as needed. The time flies by on those days and I forget about anything else. The same goes when spending time with my own horse. So yes, I am grateful I have this outlet. I remember last year at this time I had to think about what brought me joy and had difficulty naming it. Now it's simple and I've made a commitment to myself to only do what makes me happy. I had a session on Sunday with my counselor and she reminded me that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. She asked me to let go of the grief for the horses we aren't able to save, and all of the other grief I've been carrying around, but to focus on how many we have saved. She is so wise and when I left our session I felt extremely lighter. When I begin to feel blue, I think of horses running free and the sadness begins to fade. It was a fabulous weekend.

Hello JR. Welcome to this forum and please know you've come to the right place. My heart goes out to you and your family during this most difficult time. I truly hope your mother is able to pull through this. I am sure MartyT and others here more experienced than I in counseling will comment as soon as they can.

It's been quite some time since I've checked in here. Still no word from the BF. I sent a card at Thanksgiving with simple well wishes, and then earlier this month I learned his favorite aunt passed away so I sent a sympathy card expressing my sadness and again with simple well wishes. I've realized I cannot have any expectation of return communication. How am I? I am basically the same as I was in October. I have plenty on my plate to keep me busy, but find myself staying at home a lot. Work, barn, home, horse rescue friends now and then. That is my routine. I know I should be taking better care of myself than I have been, but it will get better. I just have to let myself be for awhile. I have given lots of thought to my own grief journey and the losses I've had over the last few years and have acknowledged that I am still processing some of those - my beloved dogs who passed 6 months apart from each other, my dad, my favorite uncle, a roommate. And now friends I've had my entire life are losing their parents too, and I can relate to how tough this time of life is and it will simply continue. People pass away, others leave and the only guarantee being that change will continue. It always does. Interesting things have happened over the last several months though. Just before Christmas I received a phone call from an ex from 20 years ago who left under similar circumstances, but we've managed to keep in touch over the years. His uncle had just passed away recently and he had been his caretaker for the last 7 years. Like my father, his uncle had dementia, so it was a long 7 years for him. We had a nice conversation that evening and he apologized for not treating me as I deserved when we split over 20 years ago. That was quite the surprise. I haven't heard from him much since, but I'll take it for what it was - old friends reconnecting and me offering what support I could as he was again grieving. Wouldn't it be nice if everyone could remain friends no matter how difficult the situation may have been at the time the intimate relationship ended? The holidays have always been a rough time for me due to family dynamics. This year was no exception. I stayed home even though my mother wanted me to travel to their home as my uncle was in town. We "face timed" one evening - my daughter and me, my mother, uncle and stepfather. It was a nice conversation in the beginning, but my mother pulled one of her typical behaviors and attempted to insult me. While everyone laughed I held my ground acknowledging she was trying to embarrass me and that it hadn't worked. My reaction was more akin to swatting a mosquito with a sledgehammer - my buttons clearly had been pushed. I was angry. The next day I received a text from her apologizing that she may have offended me. I ignored it so then the following evening she called and was the most complimentary she has ever been and again apologized. Almost shocking what boundaries will do! My happiest and most stressful recent event was saving a young horse from the feedlot. I've started visiting the lot with a friend to help her evaluate horses, take photos etc. This cute little quarter horse gelding caught my attention - beautiful sorrel color with one quarter-sized white spot on his left front shoulder. He was standoffish but kept his eye on me. I was offering horse treats to his friends and after awhile he decided I was safe to approach. He didn't want a treat but simply to be loved on. I was happy to do that. I promised him I would get him safe and went to work keeping that promise. My best friend in CA paid his remaining bail and he was all set to go to a trainer here in Colorado. Unfortunately there was a mix-up and the wrong horse was sorted and my little friend ended up in the kill pen. So a sorrel mare ended up at the trainers and my little friend went through the process to be sent to Mexico for slaughter - tagged, microchipped, etc. Luckily we were able to work with the feedlot owner and my little guy ended up safe after all and is now with the trainer. He has his very own little girl who is working with him and hopefully she will be able to ride him as a barrel racing horse, which is her dream. Photos below. First photo - Magic at the feedlot; 2nd at the trainer's; 3rd with his young friend. He follows her everywhere! He is one of the lucky ones. This turned out longer than I expected. Bottom line, it's been a year since the breakup and I'm still here. It still hurts. I don't understand it and I wish it wouldn't have happened. Clearly there were many things for me to look at and work on personally, which I am doing. It will continue to get better, that I know. Thanks for listening.

Thanks Kayc! What a compliment!

Hi Maria~ My mother remarried 4 months after my father passed away. My sister and I were concerned she was rushing into marriage and asked her to slow things down. Mother already had made up her mind and it's now been 5 years and they're still happy together. His wife had passed 2.5 years earlier, so his adult children were in full support of them marrying. It was the strangest situation to be in the beginning of grieving the loss of our dad, and then have mother planning a wedding and expecting us to be excited about it. The kicker was she only invited my brother and his wife to stand up for them, so it was another slap to NOT be invited. In my situation it turned out to be a blessing in disguise because my mother is not able to be alone, and she hasn't had to be. That's a win-win in my book otherwise she would have been drifting from my house to my siblings' homes. She invited us to the wedding after all as an afterthought, but I did not attend as I had plans well in advance that I wasn't willing to change to accommodate her whim. None of his children attended either, and I don't know whether they were invited. I was closest with my dad and still miss him terribly. I could not comprehend how she could rush into another marriage when my dad had just passed. Her explanation was that to her my dad had been "gone" a long time and as his caretaker she was anxious to live again. My dad had suffered from dementia. She and her new husband being 70 at the time realized they didn't have unlimited years left. I understood this, but the part that hurt was the lack of tact or consideration for her children's feelings. I've attempted to explain it more than once. In her mind she thought we didn't like her new husband. That was never the case. It was just so much to accept so soon and handled very badly. She notified us by text message that she was getting married. My mother, bless her heart. I too found the article to be very helpful. My take on it is we have to take care of ourselves as best we can while grieving. If you are comfortable making an appearance for your dad, then by all means do so. But, take care of yourself while supporting him. Setting clear boundaries has worked really well for me and I too would recommend you discuss all of it with your dad beforehand. I hope he hears you and understands. Best of luck!

Raven~ I've always admired your strength and knowledge of yourself from the first time you posted here. Thank you for sharing your update. Wise words for all of us who have gone or are going through this.

Maria~ I am happy my comments may have helped. I wanted to clarify, I told my mother how I and my sister felt about not being included so she invited us after the fact. Too funny - I'm used to being treated as an afterthought in my family, which is why I began doing my own holidays years ago. Then she wanted me to rearrange my schedule so I could attend the wedding. I refused. I've been invited to their home for Christmas, but I'm not going. I struggle through the holidays as it is, so I'll be home with my daughter and my critters. It will be perfect and I won't have to recover from being around my mother for too long. It all works out.

Hello Wil~ I am one of the ones on this site who is currently going through the "no contact" phase. In my case my BF just stopped calling - ghosting me as it were - with no explanation. I haven't tried to reach him since April and still have not heard from him. For all intents and purposes it's clear he doesn't want me in his life any longer and yes, it hurts. But who knows what will happen down the road. I can only assume it was his grief that caused this uncharacteristic behavior in him and hopefully one day we can discuss it. In the meantime I have been taking care of myself the best I can and simply take it one step at a time. In the beginning it was most difficult, but over time I've gotten back to my life without him. I too find it hard to be angry with him, although I've had my moments. I simply hope that he's doing what he needs to do to grieve the loss of his mother and eventually will miss me enough to reach out. But I'm not holding my breath. We can't help people who don't want our help. I am so sorry you're going through this as well. As they say, put your own oxygen mask of first, and make sure you're taking care of yourself. I truly believe the rest will fall into place.

Maria~ My mother remarried 4 months after my dad passed. She couldn't be alone. Luckily for all of us she found a great man and it has worked for them. They just celebrated their 5th anniversary. She always gave the explanation that as they are in their 70s, their time is short, and they wanted to be married. As for the fallout for the families, his kids seemed fine with it since his wife had passed a couple years earlier. My mother is a rather narcissistic person so the feelings of her kids were never considered - she planned her wedding and only invited my brother and his wife so they could stand up for them. It was truly bizarre and frankly, hurtful. I have learned the only person I have control over is me. I've learned to plan my own holidays with a family of trusted friends that I have built over the years. For me it's what works. As for remembering your mother's birthday - please do something special you would like to do to celebrate and remember her. I know it's hard without your dad's participation, but if it's what you need, please do something. YOU will be happier for it. I know how you feel and it's difficult. We are here whenever you need to vent. Wishing you the best during this holiday season. It's always a tough time of year for many of us!

I believe I've accepted it but am not to that place yet where I can be his friend. That will take a lot more time as there still are so many feelings and hurt. Plans have been made for tomorrow afternoon with girlfriends. We are going to meet some mini horses that are available. My friend would like to meet them and see if they will fit in with her menagerie. So I will be leaving work early to meet up with them and hopefully find forever homes for these cute minis. Should be fun. One step at a time.

Thanks Kayc~Folks should know that it isn't easy and it hurts like hell, still. Find something that makes your heart sing and for me it's the horses and now my rescue friends. When I was first asked what brings me joy, I couldn't answer as I was in so much pain. Horses was my answer. Start where you can. It gets better but I still wonder if I will ever get over this one.

Another 30 days go by and I'm still posting here as there has been no change. I've been following some other people's stories here about lost love from a grieving significant other and something I've noticed is that what was attributed to grief was actually the grieving person's true personality coming through. I've thought about this quite a bit and wonder if that will surface at some point in my situation as well. I sure hope not, but I've wondered. Then the crazy thoughts go through my head - was I so wrong about our relationship in the first place? I don't believe I was. I truly believe the pain from the loss of his mother was too much for him. I also believe one day he will tell me what happened. I have been ignoring my journal lately and can feel the effect of not writing on my moods. So it's time to get back on track with writing. I've been spending time with friends, mostly rescue friends, and have invited a few for Thanksgiving at my house. I love to cook and usually put out a nice meal with everyone contributing their favorite dish. So I will look forward to that. As for me going forward, I will not contact the BF for another 30 days - I can't believe it's been 9 months already. I do plan to send him a holiday card and maybe that will break the ice. Who knows. Nine months have gone by and I didn't know how I was going to get through this. The fact of this matter is I had no choice. I have created some strong boundaries and will not spend time with anyone I don't want to or doing something that doesn't interest me. It's still mostly better days and a few here and there like today that I feel BLAH. Here's a photo of the herd of horses that has been moved to the property across the road from my horse. This should make everyone smile. I'm amazed at the beautiful photos I can take with my cell phone. Man I'm all over the place today. Thanks for listening.