I know I haven't been very verbal this year and with this being the last day of 2017, I thought I would write what I've been going through this year. It all started in March when what little family I have left, finally convinced me that I needed to move closer to them in Ohio. My brother wanted to buy a place for me to live, so we started looking and it took until September to find what we were looking for. During this time I was having very conflicting feelings about whether to move or not, after all, Florida had been my home for 35 years and Dale and mine married home for 33 years. During this time I couldn't make myself start going through his/our stuff I guess thinking if I didn't do it, I wouldn't have to move. Then September came and when Hurricane Irma became a threat to Florida, my brother insisted that I fly to his house in the Chicago area for the week, so I had to reorganize my evacuation boxes and take them and my vehicle to a safer location and go up there. He had rescheduled the closing on the house in Ohio so that I could go with them and we closed on the house while I was up there. Came back home a week later and thankfully no damage and the neighbors had already cleaned up the debris and had it out by the curb. Then the fun really started, I had to find a mover and go through "our" things, mind you I hadn't touch anything of Dale's since he died, absolutely nothing had been touched or moved. I had to go through everything that was his and decide what to take with me, because couldn't afford to pay moving company to take everything. A lot of emotions over the next few months of doing that, a lot of tears, screaming, surprise at things he kept, sad over having to give stuff away, anger for having to do that, felt like I was betraying him by going through his stuff and giving it away and for moving away from "our" life and home. Had to make arrangements to sell the van (couldn't afford to get it up to Ohio) and also made arrangements to sell our place. Those months from September to November were some of the hardest months I've ever had to deal with in my life, doing it all by myself. I was in extreme emotional pain and physical pain as all that activity made the arthritis in both my hips and lower back go crazy. Finally moving day came, the weekend before Thanksgiving, and that was hard seeing all our stuff being packed up and put in the moving containers and knowing that was the last time all that would be in our home and the last night in our place was very difficult. The move to Ohio I guess was pretty smooth, but took almost 4 weeks before the movers were able to get my stuff delivered to me.
I'm in my new place, which is beautiful, but I still feel like I'm a guest, I'm hoping that once I actually get everything unpacked and put out, our things will make me feel more at home. It's been nice to be closer to family and actually been able to see them and also since I moved back to the town I grew up in, I've also reconnected with some old friends. However, without Dale, it just doesn't feel like home and I still feel like I've betrayed him and disappointed him by leaving our home. Then on the other hand, I know he would want me closer to family and not so alone as I was down there and be in a safer home and not have to worry about hurricanes, tropical storms, tornadoes, and home that was falling apart, etc that I had to content with there. I was so afraid that once I moved from our home, that I would feel like Dale wasn't with me anymore, but that is not the case, I guess that it doesn't matter where you live, your soul mate and true love will be with you always in your heart, mind and soul. Although at the same time it is sad that I'm living where people didn't know him (we moved to Florida the day after we got married), but on the other hand I get to talk about him more trying to get people to know him (I don't know if that made any sense).
Anyway, thank you for letting me ramble on and I'm hoping for all of us that 2018 might bring all a little more piece in our hearts. I really appreciate all of you and so glad that I found this place to feel comforted and to be able to say what is one my mind. Hugs to you all, Joyce