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Nikki D

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About Nikki D

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    rescue mom
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
  1. I am scared...

    Thank you, Kay and Marty. I talked to my daughter and she said the same thing. She suggests we should cerebrate his life on that day. She is going to help me come up with what we can do to create a ritual.
  2. I am scared...

    Hi, all. It has been a while since I visited here last. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. I started to feel “down” again around Christmas time. It is getting worse as the day goes by… as February the 10th approaches. The day I made the decision to lay my beloved Kura to rest. I am fearful of all the memories may come alive – The memories of his last couple weeks after he stopped eating all of the sudden, then everything went down the hill so quickly and unexpectedly. I have been doing well. We ended up adopting another hound while fostering (although I didn’t want to have anything to do with fostering nor adopting in the beginning as I felt I wasn’t ready, but somehow it happened). We named him Kiaran. He is such a good boy and full of love. I couldn’t let him go to another family so we decided to keep him. He was very new to a “domestic” world, coming straight from a race track so kept me busy, not giving me much time to be moping. I guess it was a good thing. I sometimes wonder Kura sent Kiaran to me… Although Kiaran came into my life to fill in the lost spot in my heart and he is doing such a wonderful job at it (I love this boy so much!), the wound in my heart is still raw and is opening back up. I am scared of that day coming. It is 2 days after my birthday but my birthday has become a sad day last year and I don’t think it will ever be a day I want to celebrate again. I don’t know how I can stop this negative feeling...
  3. Devastated loss guilt

    I am so sorry for your loss. I, too, lost my 7 year-old Greyhound to cancer (mast cell) suddenly in February this year. We had to decide to let him go 10 days after he stopped eating all of the sudden. He looked fine, although when I think about it, he did look somewhat "sad" or "depressed" but I kept thinking it was because it had been some snow and cold and we didn't get to go for walks which he loved. Just as you mentioned, there were some signs, but simply I didn't connect them with anything that serious. I can feel your pain in feeling guilty about not doing anything about it but as everyone mentioned, we are not supermen nor have power to foresee these things, nor veterinarians. And even if we did, our babies probably had to go sooner or later, cancer always wins in the end. It has been 6 months already. The pain never really goes away - it comes back like waves, but it eases in time. It was actually hard for me after 2-3 months we let him go, I guess because I was in so much shock and was numb at first and it started to become real that my big boy was gone for real. Hang in there. We've been there. It'll get better. Try to remember the love received, verses the love lost... Your baby knows she was loved.
  4. Traumatic loss

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how traumatic it was for you and your daughter... The dog is probably not cat-safe - doesn't mean he is aggressive towards everything. I have a Greyhound (used to have 2) - Greyhounds are generally docile and not aggressive but some are not cat-safe. My Kura that passed this February was very gentle and calm but I don't think he was cat-friendly. Every time he saw cats, he reacted so I never let him go close to cats or cats come close to him. It's just some dogs are not cat-friendly, some can be trained to be, but some just can't. Houndini is beautiful... I hope counseling is helping you and your daughter.
  5. Grief Triggered by New Pet

    I can so relate to this right now... I found an adoptable dog who shares the same father as Kura's. (We lost Kura unexpectedly in February.) I thought about all possible obstacles and tried not to think about it, but I couldn't let go. About two week or so ago, we decided to foster him. He looked a lot like Kura, just different colors. I was so very excited. It felt like I was getting my Kura back. The first 2 days, everything was going very well and I was very happy, although I can't deny that I found myself comparing and noticing similarities and differences... Then the third night, our pet dog and the foster dog engaged in a scuffle (which we are not sure what caused it) and our dog got bitten in the neck (luckily no puncture wound, just hematoma). I feel terrible now. We had to return him to his previous foster, just in 3 days... I feel really bad for the dog, I feel like we failed him. I feel terrible thinking this way but now the loss of Kura feels even bigger than ever - now that we realized how PERFECT he was and how lucky we were... and we will probably never find any dog like him
  6. My beloved cat killed

    I am so sorry for your loss... Your kitty looks so sweet... I lost my dog 2 days after my birthday this February. I remember sitting and waiting at an emergency vet all day on my birthday, anxiously waiting for the result of all kinds of testings. The next day we found out he had mast cell tumor. After leaving him at the e-vet for 2 nights, we had to make a very difficult decision to let him go. He was nearly drowning in the fast developing fluid in his lungs, there was nothing else we could do to save him He was only 7, we had him almost 5 years, it was actually just 2 more days until our 5th anniversary (we call it Gotcha Day). He was in very good health until then. It was so unexpected and devastating... It was the saddest birthday I'd ever experienced in my whole entire 52 years of my life. It has been 5 months since... The pain does ease as time goes by, but it never goes away completely. For the first few months I was writing lots of poems and letters (to my dog that passed). It helped me going through my grieving process.
  7. Waves of Grief & Loss

    I can certainly relate. There is always a trigger - which can be anything - a photo, a piece of fur, nose "prints" on windows, even the weather... There was our adoption group's annual picnic a week ago. I was sort of hesitant to go at first (a very mixed feeling of want to go but don't want to go) but I thought it would be OK since I'm doing better with my grieving lately, plus I thought Saya would enjoy seeing other hounds. So I went. It was the first time attending it without my Kura. It was rough. I didn't feel like watching any of the contests. He won the most talented contest 2 years ago and he also participated in best recall contest last year which he came in second or third...I was so afraid of flashbacks. I normally buy things with auctions and shops but not this year, I just wasn't in the mood. Every time I talked with someone, I cried. I finally started to feel like I was being a party pooper so I decided not to go around to talk to people who know of Kura's passing. It's OK though, people do understand. There were positive things - Saya enjoyed running around with other hounds, and we got to meet Kura's half sibling! We are thinking about fostering this boy, who shares the same dad with Kura.
  8. I'm afraid Miss Mocha is gone

    I joined a candle ceremony and lit one for Miss Mocha and you tonight, praying to a higher power to protect Miss Mocha and to give you the strength to keep your loving thoughts for her whether she is physically here or not.
  9. Help! The guilt is killing me!

    This is a good poem that reminds us, the pet owners who made the difficult decision to let our pets go, that what we did is an expression of love. The Last Battle If it should be that I grow frail and weak And pain should keep me from my sleep, Then will you do what must be done, For this — the last battle — can't be won. You will be sad I understand, But don't let grief then stay your hand, For on this day, more than the rest, Your love and friendship must stand the test. We have had so many happy years, You wouldn't want me to suffer so. When the time comes, please, let me go. Take me to where to my needs they'll tend, Only, stay with me till the end And hold me firm and speak to me Until my eyes no longer see. I know in time you will agree It is a kindness you do to me. Although my tail its last has waved, From pain and suffering I have been saved. Don't grieve that it must be you Who has to decide this thing to do; We've been so close — we two — these years, Don't let your heart hold any tears. — Author Unknown
  10. Please Help Me Decide.....

    You are right. If I am not sure and still asking, it means I'm not ready. SO I used the extra feeders for our visitor. And I think it was the right decision!
  11. Help! The guilt is killing me!

    I, too, made the decision to lay my beloved boy to sleep 4 months ago. He was also developing a tumor inside his body (or even tumors -, nobody actually saw how many or how big... We learned it from x-ray and fine needle aspiration). It was a tough decision but for the same exact reason as yours:, "I didn't want him to suffer.." My big boy showed no symptoms until only 10 days before we had to let him go. He was only 7 and looked very healthy, until, all of the sudden, he stopped eating one morning. I still feel guilty for my decision sometimes.. especially when we didn't even see the "thing" that killed him. We had to totally trust what the specialists said about their findings from the tests. It still upsets me when the thought of guilt pops up in my head every now and then... "Did I really have to let him go then? Maybe he could have survived with chemo if we decided to wait one more day, even just 3 more hours until chemo specialist came in???" Although I think he would have suffered, his lungs were filling up with fluid, and I know it was the right decision (may not be the right decision for me, but it was the right decision for him) but... I can't erase that thought out of my head... I know it's hard. The vet who watched him over night at the e-vet, who helped him to go to sleep the next morning, told us that she believes the tumor he had was so aggressive and developed very fast. I think what your dog had was also cancerous, if it grew that fast. I think we'll probably continue to feel guilty about our decisions, it may not go away. But we do know deep inside our hearts that we made the right decisions; it wasn't because we didn't care, we did it because WE LOVED THEM SO MUCH and didn't want to see them suffer. And I do believe we, pet lovers, have motherly instinct for our fur babies and you knew (even if it was unconsciously) what was best for your baby when you made the decision.
  12. I'm afraid Miss Mocha is gone

    I am feeling so helpless knowing that you’ve been helping me and the others so much to go through our difficult times but when you need it, I can’t do anything to help you… It must be so hard to lose a pet whom you lived with for so long without knowing what happened… I think that’s the hardest way to lose someone you love. Back in Sept 2013, our rescue group lost one foster dog during the transportation from one foster to another. From what I heard, they got stuck in a big traffic on a highway and the dogs riding in the van needed to have potty breaks. The back door popped open when the driver accidentally pressed the key button, and out the foster dog jumped... then people witness the escape frantically started to chase to catch her and it made her scared and run faster - she got off the highway and went missing. There were several confirmed sightings in the area for a while. Our rescue group searched her for over three months using several track dog teams, setting up trail cameras, going around animal shelters, veterinary clinics, pet stores, grooming salons, etc.., putting up posters all over the town and taping flyers on literally every houses possible in the area. When it started to get cold in November, there were some nights I couldn’t sleep thinking about the poor lost dog might be freezing… I prayed to my grandmother (who passed when I was 19) to protect her. She wasn’t my dog, in fact I’ve never even met her. The place she went missing was 3 hours away from our house but I drove there several times, with my husband or my daughter, to tape flyers onto the mailboxes, thousands and thousands of them, hoping someone could find her. Unfortunately she is still missing to this day. No one knows what happened to her. I still think about her some times. This is not even my dog… I cannot imagine how terrible it is for you to lose your cat you lived with for over 10 years and even slept with… I really wish I could do something... I am so very sorry… I am thinking about you and Miss Mocha and praying every day – that’s the least I can do…
  13. I miss my Gulu so much it hurts

    MyGulu, I know how you feel... I have been there, right around the same time. I am still scared to open Kura's videos. The sudden grief will come and go. I believe it's called STUG (Sudden Temporary Upsurges of Grief). Marty posted this for me when I was suffering with one: http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2014/08/in-grief-coping-with-stugs-sudden.html One of my friends posted this on social media a few days ago which I liked. I want to share it here, too. http://www.thatericalper.com/2015/08/16/person-is-asking-for-advice-hn-how-to-deal-with-grief-this-reply-is-incredible/ I just dog-sat another Greyhound over the weekend. He is a big, laid-back guy, just like Kura. He reminded me so much of Kura. They have different fur colors but they are about the same size. I can't believe Kura was that big, now that I am sort of used to Saya's size. I went through some mixed feeling while he was here - It hurt to realize that he is not Kura and I started to miss him terribly, then at the same time, it felt good to be able to see and feel him - it felt like I was looking/touching Kura, and it even made me feel that I want another male Greyhound again. We still have some events coming up and we'll be busy for a while.
  14. I'm afraid Miss Mocha is gone

    I can't imagine how tough it is for you to go through this... I've been thinking about you and Miss Mocha all day. Sending healing thoughts and prayers your way.
  15. I'm afraid Miss Mocha is gone

    I am very sorry that it upset you even more. The reading can be wrong for two reasons; one is, as I mentioned, they are not animal communicators (they communicate with human spirits), and the second is the picture isn't recent one... You've lived with her many years so your instinct is probably right.