Johann2

Thank you both for your kind insights! It seems that we all go through such trying times, at some point in our lives. Losing my Dad, Brother and now cousin has already encouraged a change in values. External things, like social image, cars, houses, looks--have become unimportant. Tragic that we have to lose relationships to learn that they're most important. Now it seems key to remember the connection to our loved ones, while experiencing things to their fullest--so we know when such connections are possible with others...

Hello again. I was on here a 2 months ago, talking about the recent death of my Father. 2 weeks ago, I had a heart attack (which was incredibly surprising, given that I'd played tennis six times that week). Then, last week, my favorite cousin died suddenly from kidney disease. Bad things might come in threes, but this is ridiculous!!! The hardest thing is grasping what I'm feeling, when and why. I thought the heart attack symptoms were grief and now It seems that grief might be another heart attack. While I'm on all the right medications, in therapy (both mental and physical) and trying to take care of myself--this is extremely difficult. I keep telling myself that fully experiencing the pain will make me a deeper person. Any other suggestions?

A&L, I understand the sense of isolation. I work from home, so I've surrounded myself with living things: fish, bearded dragon, bird feeders right outside my window and have a cat as well. I try to get out everyday and do something active, tennis, golf, walk along the river, however, it takes serious effort to make myself do it. Sometimes, I just nap, then stare at the ceiling for hours. Was thinking that quiet time, interspersed with activity was the way to go. However, I only seem to make realizations after talking with someone who is supportive . . .

Thanks for letting me know more about your story. My Brother died in a car accident when he was 21 (I was 19). As I was already depressed with dysthymia, I became "double-depressed". Essentially, I functioned by disassociating from my emotions. This time, with my Dad's death, I'm on an anti-depressent, so the fog is tangible and the pain is acute. While this time seems harder, I believe it's much healthier to actually be emotionally involved with grief, rather than denying it. Just hoping the fog to pain cycle lessens over time . . .

Sorry to hear that your Dad died, I can relate. Mine died a month and a half ago and I feel like I'm living in a fog most of the time. We also have the same parental dynamic, with a narcissistic mother and passive father. It was very evident while Dad was in the hospital and Mom would tell all the doctors who came in about her own medical challenges. I also moved out West to get away from that family dynamic. The biggest challenge now is the isolation while grieving. Without any family here, it's hard to feel connected to a group that understands, though friends try to. Facing the pain alone is fearful and hard. Counselors are helpful, but that's just an hour every week or two, what about the days alone? Trying to structure things with time to reflect and other times to get out and do active things. If you have other ideas, please share . . .

Thanks for your perspective. I do see a psychologist, who lost both his father and son. He's the one who said that our acceptance of pain will be commensurate to our ability to experience joy, at some point. I like to envision my Brother as my Dad's guide in the hereafter. Left as the only man in my family is lonely and stressful. It's been hard distinguishing my identity from that of my Brother, now it's quite a challenge to avoid becoming my Dad for my Mom. Knowing my life has changed forever, how do you come through this as healthy as possible?

Two months after the diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, my Dad died on March 5th of this year. During those two months, I cried, yelled, hugged him and and let him know it was ok to go. I thought the early grieving would make it easier, but the heartfelt pain is intense. Some days seem foggy, detached from life, alien. Other days, I feel pain more clearly and want to hide away like a wounded dog. Even though everyone experiences death at some point, it seems like no one understands my pain. This is especially hard as it brings up memories of my Brother's death years ago. i've heard that, to the extent that we experience the pain defines our capacity for joy after. My question is, how and when does the pain start to subside? I know it's a natural process, different for everyone, but what is acceptance like? Is it the slow process of filling our lives around the hole that is left or does there come a day when we know we've fully accepted what happened or both? Would like to hear from others going through this process or have made it to a peaceful place...