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Rylee

Contributor
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    32
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About Rylee

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Puyallup WA

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    NA
  • Date of Death
    NA
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. I am so embarrassed. I walked into Walmart today and just fell apart bawling when I saw those tin cans of popcorn. I am sure people were wondering what the heck was wrong with me but I couldn't help it. My mom loved those cans of popcorn so we'd buy the prettiest one we could find and give her one every year for Christmas. Knowing we aren't going to be able to watch her get excited and open her can of popcorn and chomp down on her favorite flavor (the caramel coated ones) makes me cry. My daughter told me today that she plans on buying one anyway and taking it and placing it on my mom's grave. My daughter is also having a difficult time and I'm doing the best I can to be a support for her but I'm finding myself just falling apart anyway. My baby brother has moved in with us for awhile and between the three of us (my daughter, my brother and I) we're all having emotional issues over my mom. We went to my mom and dad's graves (they are next to each other) and put a little Christmas tree between them. Then we sang the We Wish You A Merry Christmas song to them and my brother took hold of me and we just stood there crying together. This is so hard on everyone this year. I do appreciate all that you guys have said and support you've given me. Also, thank you for not being upset or feeling that I am not doing my part in this group to help others. Hopefully, as you have said there will come a time when I can be more a support to others here. Rylee
  2. Thank you for your words and support. I appreciate everything everyone is saying. I'm just having a harder time as Christmas gets closer. Rylee
  3. I know that coming here is to support each other in our grief, but I feel so guilty because I'm not contributing much for anyone else who is going through the soon to be loss or loss of their loved ones. I feel guilty about that. I have tried to comment and help but for some reason, I am having such a difficult time and I feel selfish for not being more active in helping and supporting others here who need it. I hope that anyone who reads my posts will forgive me for not doing more for others. It takes everything in me some days just to get out of bed or to smile or to not cry because I miss my mom so much. My body feels like it is melting into the floor and I can't pick myself up. I don't know how to deal with this kind of feelings. It has helped me to read the suggestions others have given me. I just wish I could do the same for others here. I hope I get to that point that I can help someone else who is grieving as hard as I am right now and hope that you will forgive me for not being at that point right now. Rylee
  4. Thank you for your kind words and also your suggestions. I think I will try something like that. Her favorite thing to make as far as desserts are concerned was what she called, "Apple Quisp" it is actually supposed to be called "Apple Crisp" She hadn't cooked for a long time (since her becoming paralyzed) but this was her favorite dessert to make when she was able to. I think I will do that for this Thanksgiving. I don't know if I will be able to without gushing tears but I think I may try to as you guys suggested. Thank you for that. Rylee
  5. Today I gave my mother's wheelchair away. I know that it needed to go and I know that the chair itself was a representation of her being confined but it was also how I saw her for the last several years and it was so hard to let it go. The chair was given to a man who really needed it. His chair was breaking down and it was in pretty bad shape and the repairs on the chair would have been more than they could handle. I know that my mom would have been more than happy that he got the chair if she were here to have given it to him. He offered me money for it but I wouldn't take the money. I felt better about giving it to him. He and his wife thanked me for it and were near tears that I gave it to them. In spite of that, I still feel sad that it's gone and that I won't have it here anymore. I still have things that I need to give away or sell of hers and each thing that leaves my house I cry. I just wish I could get through this without the extreme emotions attached to everything as they leave the house. I do have a doily she made specifically for me that will never leave my possession until I am passed away myself. I will treasure it forever and I have it sitting on the top of my record player right where I can see it every day. I just miss my mom so much. Rylee
  6. I'm having so much trouble these days. As the holidays get closer I am crying so much more. I keep thinking about my mom not being here for Halloween wearing her "I scare myself" t-shirt and Thanksgiving and being able to watch her enjoying the special meals we brought and being able to spend time with all of her kids. Or Christmas and watching her open presents and getting so excited. Just like a little kid sometimes. I miss her SO MUCH. My daughter and I have been doing a lot of crying together lately thinking about her not being here for these holidays. This is the first time in 57 years that I haven't been able to talk to my mom or be with her during this time of year. People keep telling me that the first year missing out on the holidays is the hardest but I don't see myself ever stopping crying. Rylee
  7. Thank you.everyone. for your comments and suggestions and links. I really do appreciate your advice. Rylee
  8. I am so worried about my daughter right now. She told me yesterday that she's been thinking about my mom (her grandma) and the last moments of her life (she was there with my mom when she died) and can't get it out of her head. She said she sees every single thing that happened and how cold she (my mom) got so quickly after she died and the way it happened. It goes over and over in her head. She says she's been breaking down just out of nowhere while she is out and about or at work. She has been doing this since my mom died. She also told me that she thinks she was the reason that my mom died. I know that's not true. My mom was going to die and no one could stop it from happening. We were told to give my mom morphine at about a half hour apart that last day because she was having such a difficult time breathing and was in pain. I don't know if my mom was in so much pain or if she was asleep or what because she never woke up from the night before when she stopped being able to swallow. My daughter was vigilant about making sure my mom got the morphine. We kept a log together to make sure we were giving it to her when we should be. But my daughter said she thinks that she made a mistake and gave her too much of it. I know that she didn't because I was watching her give it every time she did. We followed the directions of the hospice people. But my daughter has been having nightmares about this. She also told me that she is afraid that I'm going to die and that she is going to lose me and if she loses me she will fall apart and die too. That's what she thinks. She has been somewhat clingy with me since my mom died and making sure I"m ok all the time. I know she's been sad about my mom dying but I didn't realize until yesterday exactly what she was going through. When I ask her she always tells me she's fine. She hasn't wanted to let me know. She said she didn't want me to stress over her and wanted to be strong for me. She just broke down crying so hard she could barely breathe while she was telling me all of this last night. I'm not sure what to do to help her. She's not willing to go to a grief counselor. I know how she feels as far as being emotional. I've been emotional for all this time too. I've tried to be strong for my family and I've tried to do what I have to do and get on with my life but I miss my mom so much I can barely stand it sometimes. I think I'm over it and suddenly I'm bawling my head off. Now knowing that my daughter is doing the same thing I wish I could help more than I am. I know she was extremely close to my mom. She, my mom, and I were the "three musketeers" as my mom would call us. My daughter did as much and sometimes more than I did to take care of my mom. I knew she was sad quite often but I didn't know she was having breakdowns when she was at work or was having them as often as she is or that she was worried about me dying. She said that since my mom died she has been thinking about her own mortality and mine. I could sure use some advice about this. All I was able to do is let her talk and I didn't really know what to say to give her any advice. I love my daughter so much. I hate seeing her in so much emotional pain and not being able to help ease it. Rylee
  9. I am so tired of crying about my mom. It will be 5 months on Oct 1st since she's been gone. I have been waking up crying in the middle of the night and sometimes during the day I will start thinking about things and missing her so much I start crying and feeling bad about things. When she was dying I prayed for God to take her and end her suffering. I cried in the Lord's ear on a daily basis. I couldn't handle watching all the suffering she was going through. She continually prayed and asked people to pray for her to die. She was slowly suffocating and that put her into a panic. So, it's not that I am upset that she's gone because I know she is in a better place and no longer suffering. I just keep thinking about how much I wish she had been well and hadn't had to die in the first place, and how many things I could have done to make her life more comfortable like reading her scriptures to her and so forth. I think I've mentioned this in another post but those things are getting me thinking how much I didn't do for my mom and how much I could have made her life more comfortable. I stayed with her 24/7 for the last two weeks of her life and did everything I could but some things I could have done that I didn't and that gives me grief. The other day I was crying about my mom being gone and then started bawling about my dad being gone too (he died in 2001) and it just hit me so hard I wanted to die myself. I hyperventilated and could barely breathe from crying so hard. I prayed and begged God to help me not feel so sad that they were both gone. It took a few minutes but I did calm down. However, that night I had gone to bed at 11:00 and slept for about an hour before I woke up crying and then couldn't sleep until 4:00am (that's the last time I saw a clock). My brains just wouldn't shut off. I just wonder how much longer I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat. I just can't take this much longer. I don't know how to deal with this right now. I don't know what is triggering these feelings and crying sessions. They just happen and my blood pressure goes up, my blood sugar goes up, my head aches, my body just starts hurting, my joints hurt and my neck hurts. I'm afraid I'm going to die of a heart attack or stroke if I can't find a way to keep myself calm more often. The doctor wants me to be on an anti-depressant but I don't want to be sleeping for days on end because the medication makes me sleep. What he gave me commonly makes a person sleep for the first few weeks or so. I can't do that. So I am just going to deal with this but I wish I knew better ways than medications to help with this. Rylee
  10. I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel though. My mom passed May 1, 2016 and I feel like I've died too sometimes. I miss her so much that I don't go very many days without crying. I wish I could be more helpful to you in getting through what you're dealing with but I want you to know that I understand what you're going through. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} Rylee
  11. I guess I just hate crying. It physically hurts to cry so much. I have been having so many days lately that I've been on edge and crying about everything and just wanting to lay down and sleep and not do anything. I just want to roll up in a ball and cover my head with a blanket and hope no one notices I'm there. I hate feeling this way. My blood sugars are out of control, my blood pressure is out of control, and I have headaches all the time lately. Every joint in my body aches and my neck and back hurt. I went to the doctor because of my eye getting swollen to a point it was almost swollen shut. She said it was a chemical burn. But... the thing about going to the doctor is that "due to budget cuts and..." we're only allowed to be seen for ONE thing at a time and have to make appointments to come in for each thing we have issues with. Basically, if I go to the doctor for everything I need to have seen, I will have to make 10 more appointments and they are not ones that can be made very quickly because it's a community clinic. They will get you right in (like they did with my eye being swollen so bad) if you have an urgent need but not ER urgent. However, everything else has to wait. I hope someday my crying will stop. I used to cry about my dad all the time but I wasn't as close to my dad as I was to my mom. I cried for months over my dad. With as close to my mom as I was, I don't think I will ever stop crying when I think about her.
  12. I don't know but I think maybe my mom has been hanging around me the past several days. I don't know but I was smelling roses the other day and there were no roses around me. Roses were my mom's favorite flower. Then I started smelling other scents that my mom loved. I felt that she might be watching me. I was ok with that and it was kind of comforting but then I started going through the funeral pictures and videos and things to get them downloaded to a thumb drive for my sister and all I could do was bawl and bawl and miss her even more. Yesterday I gave my sister the thumb drive and told her what was on it. One thing was my mom singing happy birthday to my sister's daughter. My nieces birthday is next week and so my sister is going to show it to her on her birthday. My sister and I both broke down crying and she told me that she has been trying to think of the situation as not real and that my mom is just living somewhere too far to get to. She said she just hasn't wanted to think about my mom being gone and it has just been very hard for her to deal with. We hugged for the first time in months and I told her that I loved her and she was my favorite sister (she's my only sister) and she just kind of laughed but it was really nice being able to talk with her. We haven't been in the same room since my mom's funeral. I got most of everything of my mom's sorted and next week will be taking everything I've found from my mom's stuff that I know she's want to her next weekend. I just wish I didn't get into these crying jags and feeling lost and lonely for my mom so often just because I see her things or smell something that reminds me of her. I thought it was over for the most part but the past few days have been really emotional for me. I just wish that didn't happen and I could think of her and smile rather than think of her and cry and think of all the things I should have done that I didn't even think about until recently. I could have read her scriptures to her but I didn't think about that. When she lost her eyesight bad enough not to be able to read them, I could have sat and read them to her but I didn't think about it and she didn't ask me to do that. I could have helped her more with other things to make her life more comfortable at the end. I did the best I could but before she got as bad as she did I could have done more. When I start thinking about that and crying lately, I hear her voice in my head calling my name and saying, "Stop feeling so bad about what you didn't do, what more could you have done? You did everything you could and I appreciate that you did. Don't beat yourself up. I love you." Maybe that's just my wishful thinking that my mom is talking to me in my mind or maybe she really is talking to me I don't know. But when I hear her voice and those words it calms me down. I still feel bad that I didn't think about some of those things but we said everything we needed to each other and I did the best I could to make her comfortable at the end but I wish I would have done more several months before she died. Rylee
  13. Hi Girlonfire, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I know how hard it is watching someone you love die. My mother died May 1st and watching her dwindle away was so incredibly hard. You're right dealing with grief is hard work and you do feel alone. I know my situation is not the same as yours. I've never lost a spouse but when I was watching my mother it was the most difficult thing that I have ever done. But as Searchelle said, a lot of people don't get the chance to talk with the loved one who passes because they pass quick. I would take every opportunity to tell your husband how much you love him and work everything out that you can before he passes. I did the best I could to say everything that I needed to say to my mom and let her say everything she needed to say to me. I recorded her messages to everyone in the family that she wanted to say her last words to and say goodbye to. I felt that was important. We took lots of pictures with her and listened to her stories. She wasn't able to talk very much towards the end because she had pneumonia and couldn't breathe very well but she did the best she could and it helped a lot to get the pictures and the videos and talk. That might help you during this time. Every day is a gift and when your husband is gone if you do all you can to get videos, pictures and talk about things it can help. It won't take the sadness away but getting everything said you need to say and let him say everything he needs to say while he still can will help both of you. A lot of times people do stay away and leave you alone, but it's not that people don't care. They just don't know what to say sometimes. I have a horrible time when in person saying the right thing at the right time. I get my foot in my mouth and say just the stupidest things. I don't know why. I recently went to the funeral of someone I knew and put my foot in my mouth so bad I wanted to crawl away and cut my tongue out. I think a lot of people might be that same way and so would rather stay away than make things worse by saying the wrong thing especially at such a difficult time as the death of a loved one. The people here in this group have helped me a great deal. It's only been four and a half months since my mom passed and I still have my days I break down and bawl my eyes out because I see something or smell something that reminds me of my mom and the people here have helped me through some of those very difficult days. I hope I can be one of those people that help others too. I'm still pretty new at this but I hope something I've said here will help you. Rylee
  14. It is very possible that he won't remember what I said. I can't remember anything anyone said during the time of my mom's death and viewing over her body. I remember most of those who were there but not what anyone said except for the statement "I'm sorry for your loss". Everything else is a blur. I just feel so stupid. However, I will be doing my best to continue to going to people's funerals. I think though that I will say nothing but my condolences. I will never forget this, but I am going to try to not let it bother me so bad as its doing now. I am just feeling pretty stupid at this point. Maybe sometime I will be able to just look back and chalk it up to what you said, that I am still grieving for my mom. I wonder if I will ever stop grieving over her death. Rylee
  15. I don't know why I'm so unable to say the right thing at the right time but for some reason I just seem to put my foot into my mouth and make so many ridiculous comments. I decided to go to a funeral of a person I was acquainted with through a church activity group. She died last Sunday and her funeral was yesterday. All I could do was think about my mom and I was crying for the loss of my mom more so than I was crying for the loss of this friend. I felt sadness for her family and could see they were going through the same things that I did when my mom died. The thing that I'm so embarrassed about and just want to kick myself in the face for is when I went into the viewing room the woman's husband was there. He just looked so lost and I asked him if he was her husband. He said yes. Then I looked at the woman in her casket and said, "Oh she looks so beautiful, well was good as a person in her condition can." I couldn't believe that I said that. The man looked at me like, "What?????" and at that moment I just felt so incredibly stupid and out of place. I couldn't seem to get any of the words out that made any sense and because I was crying for the loss of my own mom, I felt that I should leave and go home. I got all the way home and just sat and cried and then took some deep breaths and decided to go back in time to be there for the service itself. Like my mom's funeral, there were only a few people other than this woman's family that showed up. I went to the funeral to support the family because I knew how bad I felt that so few people outside my own family showed up at my mom's funeral and I wanted to be there for these people. But it made me so sad seeing how so few people showed up. Then my stupid mouth and saying the stupid thing I did. I don't know if this is a trend that no one shows up for funerals unless they are related or very close friends or what. My mom had so many friends (Or so we all thought) but so few showed up because it was mother's day weekend and no one could take out the time to show support of our family for our loss. My mom would write 500-600 Christmas cards every year until she wasn't able and so many people said how much they loved her and looked forward to those cards, while she was alive then only a hand full of people other than family came to her funeral. That really hurt. I believe that spirits of the dead are at their funerals and I kept thinking how sad my mom was that so few people came to say goodbye. I wanted this woman to know that I cared about her and didn't want to be one of those people who didn't want to take out the little bit if time for a funeral because I was "too busy". However, it just got me hyperventilating when saw the hearse outside the church when I pulled up. I had to compose myself before going in. I think it was too soon to attend another funeral after my mom's. I don't know. With my inability to say anything that didn't make me look like an idiot and feeling so "out of place" I wonder if going was the right thing to do. :'(
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