Rylee

I am so embarrassed. I walked into Walmart today and just fell apart bawling when I saw those tin cans of popcorn. I am sure people were wondering what the heck was wrong with me but I couldn't help it. My mom loved those cans of popcorn so we'd buy the prettiest one we could find and give her one every year for Christmas. Knowing we aren't going to be able to watch her get excited and open her can of popcorn and chomp down on her favorite flavor (the caramel coated ones) makes me cry. My daughter told me today that she plans on buying one anyway and taking it and placing it on my mom's grave. My daughter is also having a difficult time and I'm doing the best I can to be a support for her but I'm finding myself just falling apart anyway. My baby brother has moved in with us for awhile and between the three of us (my daughter, my brother and I) we're all having emotional issues over my mom. We went to my mom and dad's graves (they are next to each other) and put a little Christmas tree between them. Then we sang the We Wish You A Merry Christmas song to them and my brother took hold of me and we just stood there crying together. This is so hard on everyone this year. I do appreciate all that you guys have said and support you've given me. Also, thank you for not being upset or feeling that I am not doing my part in this group to help others. Hopefully, as you have said there will come a time when I can be more a support to others here. Rylee

Thank you for your words and support. I appreciate everything everyone is saying. I'm just having a harder time as Christmas gets closer. Rylee

I know that coming here is to support each other in our grief, but I feel so guilty because I'm not contributing much for anyone else who is going through the soon to be loss or loss of their loved ones. I feel guilty about that. I have tried to comment and help but for some reason, I am having such a difficult time and I feel selfish for not being more active in helping and supporting others here who need it. I hope that anyone who reads my posts will forgive me for not doing more for others. It takes everything in me some days just to get out of bed or to smile or to not cry because I miss my mom so much. My body feels like it is melting into the floor and I can't pick myself up. I don't know how to deal with this kind of feelings. It has helped me to read the suggestions others have given me. I just wish I could do the same for others here. I hope I get to that point that I can help someone else who is grieving as hard as I am right now and hope that you will forgive me for not being at that point right now. Rylee

Thank you for your kind words and also your suggestions. I think I will try something like that. Her favorite thing to make as far as desserts are concerned was what she called, "Apple Quisp" it is actually supposed to be called "Apple Crisp" She hadn't cooked for a long time (since her becoming paralyzed) but this was her favorite dessert to make when she was able to. I think I will do that for this Thanksgiving. I don't know if I will be able to without gushing tears but I think I may try to as you guys suggested. Thank you for that. Rylee

Today I gave my mother's wheelchair away. I know that it needed to go and I know that the chair itself was a representation of her being confined but it was also how I saw her for the last several years and it was so hard to let it go. The chair was given to a man who really needed it. His chair was breaking down and it was in pretty bad shape and the repairs on the chair would have been more than they could handle. I know that my mom would have been more than happy that he got the chair if she were here to have given it to him. He offered me money for it but I wouldn't take the money. I felt better about giving it to him. He and his wife thanked me for it and were near tears that I gave it to them. In spite of that, I still feel sad that it's gone and that I won't have it here anymore. I still have things that I need to give away or sell of hers and each thing that leaves my house I cry. I just wish I could get through this without the extreme emotions attached to everything as they leave the house. I do have a doily she made specifically for me that will never leave my possession until I am passed away myself. I will treasure it forever and I have it sitting on the top of my record player right where I can see it every day. I just miss my mom so much. Rylee

I'm having so much trouble these days. As the holidays get closer I am crying so much more. I keep thinking about my mom not being here for Halloween wearing her "I scare myself" t-shirt and Thanksgiving and being able to watch her enjoying the special meals we brought and being able to spend time with all of her kids. Or Christmas and watching her open presents and getting so excited. Just like a little kid sometimes. I miss her SO MUCH. My daughter and I have been doing a lot of crying together lately thinking about her not being here for these holidays. This is the first time in 57 years that I haven't been able to talk to my mom or be with her during this time of year. People keep telling me that the first year missing out on the holidays is the hardest but I don't see myself ever stopping crying. Rylee

Thank you.everyone. for your comments and suggestions and links. I really do appreciate your advice. Rylee

I am so worried about my daughter right now. She told me yesterday that she's been thinking about my mom (her grandma) and the last moments of her life (she was there with my mom when she died) and can't get it out of her head. She said she sees every single thing that happened and how cold she (my mom) got so quickly after she died and the way it happened. It goes over and over in her head. She says she's been breaking down just out of nowhere while she is out and about or at work. She has been doing this since my mom died. She also told me that she thinks she was the reason that my mom died. I know that's not true. My mom was going to die and no one could stop it from happening. We were told to give my mom morphine at about a half hour apart that last day because she was having such a difficult time breathing and was in pain. I don't know if my mom was in so much pain or if she was asleep or what because she never woke up from the night before when she stopped being able to swallow. My daughter was vigilant about making sure my mom got the morphine. We kept a log together to make sure we were giving it to her when we should be. But my daughter said she thinks that she made a mistake and gave her too much of it. I know that she didn't because I was watching her give it every time she did. We followed the directions of the hospice people. But my daughter has been having nightmares about this. She also told me that she is afraid that I'm going to die and that she is going to lose me and if she loses me she will fall apart and die too. That's what she thinks. She has been somewhat clingy with me since my mom died and making sure I"m ok all the time. I know she's been sad about my mom dying but I didn't realize until yesterday exactly what she was going through. When I ask her she always tells me she's fine. She hasn't wanted to let me know. She said she didn't want me to stress over her and wanted to be strong for me. She just broke down crying so hard she could barely breathe while she was telling me all of this last night. I'm not sure what to do to help her. She's not willing to go to a grief counselor. I know how she feels as far as being emotional. I've been emotional for all this time too. I've tried to be strong for my family and I've tried to do what I have to do and get on with my life but I miss my mom so much I can barely stand it sometimes. I think I'm over it and suddenly I'm bawling my head off. Now knowing that my daughter is doing the same thing I wish I could help more than I am. I know she was extremely close to my mom. She, my mom, and I were the "three musketeers" as my mom would call us. My daughter did as much and sometimes more than I did to take care of my mom. I knew she was sad quite often but I didn't know she was having breakdowns when she was at work or was having them as often as she is or that she was worried about me dying. She said that since my mom died she has been thinking about her own mortality and mine. I could sure use some advice about this. All I was able to do is let her talk and I didn't really know what to say to give her any advice. I love my daughter so much. I hate seeing her in so much emotional pain and not being able to help ease it. Rylee

I am so tired of crying about my mom. It will be 5 months on Oct 1st since she's been gone. I have been waking up crying in the middle of the night and sometimes during the day I will start thinking about things and missing her so much I start crying and feeling bad about things. When she was dying I prayed for God to take her and end her suffering. I cried in the Lord's ear on a daily basis. I couldn't handle watching all the suffering she was going through. She continually prayed and asked people to pray for her to die. She was slowly suffocating and that put her into a panic. So, it's not that I am upset that she's gone because I know she is in a better place and no longer suffering. I just keep thinking about how much I wish she had been well and hadn't had to die in the first place, and how many things I could have done to make her life more comfortable like reading her scriptures to her and so forth. I think I've mentioned this in another post but those things are getting me thinking how much I didn't do for my mom and how much I could have made her life more comfortable. I stayed with her 24/7 for the last two weeks of her life and did everything I could but some things I could have done that I didn't and that gives me grief. The other day I was crying about my mom being gone and then started bawling about my dad being gone too (he died in 2001) and it just hit me so hard I wanted to die myself. I hyperventilated and could barely breathe from crying so hard. I prayed and begged God to help me not feel so sad that they were both gone. It took a few minutes but I did calm down. However, that night I had gone to bed at 11:00 and slept for about an hour before I woke up crying and then couldn't sleep until 4:00am (that's the last time I saw a clock). My brains just wouldn't shut off. I just wonder how much longer I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat. I just can't take this much longer. I don't know how to deal with this right now. I don't know what is triggering these feelings and crying sessions. They just happen and my blood pressure goes up, my blood sugar goes up, my head aches, my body just starts hurting, my joints hurt and my neck hurts. I'm afraid I'm going to die of a heart attack or stroke if I can't find a way to keep myself calm more often. The doctor wants me to be on an anti-depressant but I don't want to be sleeping for days on end because the medication makes me sleep. What he gave me commonly makes a person sleep for the first few weeks or so. I can't do that. So I am just going to deal with this but I wish I knew better ways than medications to help with this. Rylee

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel though. My mom passed May 1, 2016 and I feel like I've died too sometimes. I miss her so much that I don't go very many days without crying. I wish I could be more helpful to you in getting through what you're dealing with but I want you to know that I understand what you're going through. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} Rylee

I guess I just hate crying. It physically hurts to cry so much. I have been having so many days lately that I've been on edge and crying about everything and just wanting to lay down and sleep and not do anything. I just want to roll up in a ball and cover my head with a blanket and hope no one notices I'm there. I hate feeling this way. My blood sugars are out of control, my blood pressure is out of control, and I have headaches all the time lately. Every joint in my body aches and my neck and back hurt. I went to the doctor because of my eye getting swollen to a point it was almost swollen shut. She said it was a chemical burn. But... the thing about going to the doctor is that "due to budget cuts and..." we're only allowed to be seen for ONE thing at a time and have to make appointments to come in for each thing we have issues with. Basically, if I go to the doctor for everything I need to have seen, I will have to make 10 more appointments and they are not ones that can be made very quickly because it's a community clinic. They will get you right in (like they did with my eye being swollen so bad) if you have an urgent need but not ER urgent. However, everything else has to wait. I hope someday my crying will stop. I used to cry about my dad all the time but I wasn't as close to my dad as I was to my mom. I cried for months over my dad. With as close to my mom as I was, I don't think I will ever stop crying when I think about her.

I don't know but I think maybe my mom has been hanging around me the past several days. I don't know but I was smelling roses the other day and there were no roses around me. Roses were my mom's favorite flower. Then I started smelling other scents that my mom loved. I felt that she might be watching me. I was ok with that and it was kind of comforting but then I started going through the funeral pictures and videos and things to get them downloaded to a thumb drive for my sister and all I could do was bawl and bawl and miss her even more. Yesterday I gave my sister the thumb drive and told her what was on it. One thing was my mom singing happy birthday to my sister's daughter. My nieces birthday is next week and so my sister is going to show it to her on her birthday. My sister and I both broke down crying and she told me that she has been trying to think of the situation as not real and that my mom is just living somewhere too far to get to. She said she just hasn't wanted to think about my mom being gone and it has just been very hard for her to deal with. We hugged for the first time in months and I told her that I loved her and she was my favorite sister (she's my only sister) and she just kind of laughed but it was really nice being able to talk with her. We haven't been in the same room since my mom's funeral. I got most of everything of my mom's sorted and next week will be taking everything I've found from my mom's stuff that I know she's want to her next weekend. I just wish I didn't get into these crying jags and feeling lost and lonely for my mom so often just because I see her things or smell something that reminds me of her. I thought it was over for the most part but the past few days have been really emotional for me. I just wish that didn't happen and I could think of her and smile rather than think of her and cry and think of all the things I should have done that I didn't even think about until recently. I could have read her scriptures to her but I didn't think about that. When she lost her eyesight bad enough not to be able to read them, I could have sat and read them to her but I didn't think about it and she didn't ask me to do that. I could have helped her more with other things to make her life more comfortable at the end. I did the best I could but before she got as bad as she did I could have done more. When I start thinking about that and crying lately, I hear her voice in my head calling my name and saying, "Stop feeling so bad about what you didn't do, what more could you have done? You did everything you could and I appreciate that you did. Don't beat yourself up. I love you." Maybe that's just my wishful thinking that my mom is talking to me in my mind or maybe she really is talking to me I don't know. But when I hear her voice and those words it calms me down. I still feel bad that I didn't think about some of those things but we said everything we needed to each other and I did the best I could to make her comfortable at the end but I wish I would have done more several months before she died. Rylee

Hi Girlonfire, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I know how hard it is watching someone you love die. My mother died May 1st and watching her dwindle away was so incredibly hard. You're right dealing with grief is hard work and you do feel alone. I know my situation is not the same as yours. I've never lost a spouse but when I was watching my mother it was the most difficult thing that I have ever done. But as Searchelle said, a lot of people don't get the chance to talk with the loved one who passes because they pass quick. I would take every opportunity to tell your husband how much you love him and work everything out that you can before he passes. I did the best I could to say everything that I needed to say to my mom and let her say everything she needed to say to me. I recorded her messages to everyone in the family that she wanted to say her last words to and say goodbye to. I felt that was important. We took lots of pictures with her and listened to her stories. She wasn't able to talk very much towards the end because she had pneumonia and couldn't breathe very well but she did the best she could and it helped a lot to get the pictures and the videos and talk. That might help you during this time. Every day is a gift and when your husband is gone if you do all you can to get videos, pictures and talk about things it can help. It won't take the sadness away but getting everything said you need to say and let him say everything he needs to say while he still can will help both of you. A lot of times people do stay away and leave you alone, but it's not that people don't care. They just don't know what to say sometimes. I have a horrible time when in person saying the right thing at the right time. I get my foot in my mouth and say just the stupidest things. I don't know why. I recently went to the funeral of someone I knew and put my foot in my mouth so bad I wanted to crawl away and cut my tongue out. I think a lot of people might be that same way and so would rather stay away than make things worse by saying the wrong thing especially at such a difficult time as the death of a loved one. The people here in this group have helped me a great deal. It's only been four and a half months since my mom passed and I still have my days I break down and bawl my eyes out because I see something or smell something that reminds me of my mom and the people here have helped me through some of those very difficult days. I hope I can be one of those people that help others too. I'm still pretty new at this but I hope something I've said here will help you. Rylee

It is very possible that he won't remember what I said. I can't remember anything anyone said during the time of my mom's death and viewing over her body. I remember most of those who were there but not what anyone said except for the statement "I'm sorry for your loss". Everything else is a blur. I just feel so stupid. However, I will be doing my best to continue to going to people's funerals. I think though that I will say nothing but my condolences. I will never forget this, but I am going to try to not let it bother me so bad as its doing now. I am just feeling pretty stupid at this point. Maybe sometime I will be able to just look back and chalk it up to what you said, that I am still grieving for my mom. I wonder if I will ever stop grieving over her death. Rylee

I don't know why I'm so unable to say the right thing at the right time but for some reason I just seem to put my foot into my mouth and make so many ridiculous comments. I decided to go to a funeral of a person I was acquainted with through a church activity group. She died last Sunday and her funeral was yesterday. All I could do was think about my mom and I was crying for the loss of my mom more so than I was crying for the loss of this friend. I felt sadness for her family and could see they were going through the same things that I did when my mom died. The thing that I'm so embarrassed about and just want to kick myself in the face for is when I went into the viewing room the woman's husband was there. He just looked so lost and I asked him if he was her husband. He said yes. Then I looked at the woman in her casket and said, "Oh she looks so beautiful, well was good as a person in her condition can." I couldn't believe that I said that. The man looked at me like, "What?????" and at that moment I just felt so incredibly stupid and out of place. I couldn't seem to get any of the words out that made any sense and because I was crying for the loss of my own mom, I felt that I should leave and go home. I got all the way home and just sat and cried and then took some deep breaths and decided to go back in time to be there for the service itself. Like my mom's funeral, there were only a few people other than this woman's family that showed up. I went to the funeral to support the family because I knew how bad I felt that so few people outside my own family showed up at my mom's funeral and I wanted to be there for these people. But it made me so sad seeing how so few people showed up. Then my stupid mouth and saying the stupid thing I did. I don't know if this is a trend that no one shows up for funerals unless they are related or very close friends or what. My mom had so many friends (Or so we all thought) but so few showed up because it was mother's day weekend and no one could take out the time to show support of our family for our loss. My mom would write 500-600 Christmas cards every year until she wasn't able and so many people said how much they loved her and looked forward to those cards, while she was alive then only a hand full of people other than family came to her funeral. That really hurt. I believe that spirits of the dead are at their funerals and I kept thinking how sad my mom was that so few people came to say goodbye. I wanted this woman to know that I cared about her and didn't want to be one of those people who didn't want to take out the little bit if time for a funeral because I was "too busy". However, it just got me hyperventilating when saw the hearse outside the church when I pulled up. I had to compose myself before going in. I think it was too soon to attend another funeral after my mom's. I don't know. With my inability to say anything that didn't make me look like an idiot and feeling so "out of place" I wonder if going was the right thing to do. :'(

Laura, I'm glad that you had the help with your mom from your siblings. If I had had to take care of my dad before he died, not one person would have been in support of me doing so because everyone else in the family shared the opinion that he was going to hell for all he did and didn't deserve anyone's love or care. But I being the oldest child have always felt that it was my responsibility to take care of everyone in the family and would have taken care of my dad had he not died of a heart attack. I could have understood no one wanting to help me care for him if he had needed it but everyone loved my mom (or so they said) but still they didn't help with her care either. I just don't understand that. I like that you're going to make your siblings work for the things they are going to get from your dad's death. That is smart.

Kayc, No it definitely isn't easy. I love my mom and I know she had issues, I guess when I get my moments of anger I start to resent what she put me through and put the rest of the family through in no doing more. I do understand how you might be angry with your sister with what she's doing. Rylee

Kayc, That is sad that your mom did that to you. My mom set me as her P.O.A. and the executor of her Will. She put into the Will that we were all to get equal portions of her property. The only thing that really upsets my siblings is that my mom gave me her house free and clear for taking care of her for so long and not getting any help whatsoever from my them. The rest of her stuff (money and other stuff) is to be split. I'm having a lot of trouble selling her van and her wheelchair and everything else that she had and my siblings are just going whack job over that. They think that I am doing this on purpose but I am really trying to get everything sold so they can get their chunk of change. There won't be that much but they still are nagging me constantly about everything. My brother wasn't obligated to keep anything of my mom's at his house. Her Will didn't cover him, it just covered what I had here with me. At least that is my understanding because what he was throwing away were journals and genealogy. That stuff isn't of any monetary value only sentimental value. We can't get back what he threw away. What's done is done but at least I got some of her journals (some date back to the early 70s) when I got news he was throwing everything away. As I said, I had to rush down there and get it. I had only a short time to get down there. My brother must be angry with my mom or something I'm not sure. To throw everything away like he was doing and not wanting anything but what money he can get from her possessions seems an angry thing to do. She took the time to record messages for each of us kids but this brother doesn't want anything to do with it. I'm wondering if he is angry with her because she didn't try harder to get healthy. She was paralyzed due to a surgery to remove a tumor from her spine in 2008. She never tried to really work on getting herself to be able to do things for herself. She laid in bed for almost 9 years and only doing as little as she could to do anything. It was because of her choice not to work on things that caused me to physically break down and end up having to put her into a home. I had to lift her in and out of bed, in and out of the shower, in and out of her chair and do everything for her and my body just couldn't deal with it. I still did a lot of caregiving even when she was in the AFH (Adult Family Home) I took her to all her appointments and up in the middle of the night to the ER or trying to get her out and about to do things. My daughter and I worked together taking care of her both when she was at home and after she was put into the AFH. The family watched as she just deteriorated and died. We're all a bit angry with her about that part but I think my brother D is taking that anger to extremes. I don't know. Sorry... I'm rambling here. I tend to do that sometimes. Rylee

Laura, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with all those busybodies and also family who are doing all the things they are doing (or not doing).You definitely know how I feel about this situation. The thing I resent most about my family is that they didn't help me with my mom while she was alive and are now bugging me constantly about what they want of her things and the money from the sale of her van and her wheelchair and bed and.... I still resent that my sister decided in my mom's last moments that she wasn't coming down to be with her. She only lives 60 miles from us and we had a place set out for her if she wanted to spend the nights here while my mom was going through the end of her life. But she was angry with me because of an argument we had when hospice had wanted to stop my mom from eating and drinking anything. She still had a few weeks left and I promised my mom I would never allow her to starve or thirst to death. Although at the very end of her life she couldn't eat or drink anything (which pained me greatly to see) it was her decision or her body stopping it and not me. My sister thought I was selfish not to just let her be denied food and water. Then she got mad about the fact that my mom gave me her house (I'd had it for several years already when she signed a quit claim to me) and decided if my mom would do that then "to heck with her" and wouldn't come see her at the last moments and be with her and the rest of us who could be there. She almost didn't go to the funeral but we did set our differences aside as I mentioned in one of my posts. But since the funeral she and I haven't really spoken and her daughter who has spent a week with us every year since she was two (she's about to turn 14) suddenly "couldn't make it this year". It's been really frustrating and upsetting the way things have gone. I just hope that I can eventually get everything done and not have to deal with any of the family who is only hanging around "waiting for their chunk of change". I don't need the stress either. Rylee

I want you to know that I have read everyone's comments here and I appreciate all that you said and your concern for me. I feel that same way when I read other's stories and see just how many people have lost their loved ones. It's just unreal sometimes thinking about how many people die. A week after my mom died my mom's baby sister died. She died on mother's day. It's been really hard for the whole family to lose both of them so soon together. :'( I hope that somehow I can help someone else who comes here to get help. I know being able to talk to everyone here has helped me a great deal. I want to help others too if I can. Rylee

Hi Kayc, I'm sorry to hear that your brother didn't share anything with you. My brother didn't want anything of my mom's. I am just glad that I found out in time what he was doing and went to get what he had left. I just can't understand why he would throw it all away rather than ask anyone if they wanted anything he had. She lived with him for five years taking care of his twin girls when their mother died. We weren't able to bring all of her things back with us when I went to pick her up in 2007. She did so much for him and for him to do that with her things just angers me to no end. I can imagine how angry that you were when your brother did what he did to your mom's stuff. I'm so sorry that happened. I've heard that as well, that scents and sounds can mean that the person is nearby. I did feel comfort with the scent and wanting to believe that she was there. I hear her voice in my head so often. The other day when my baby brother and his kids, my daughter and her kids and I were getting flowers for my mother's grave for her birthday, we could all feel her around and like she was happy we were remembering her birthday. It was kind of cool. Then when we were placing the flowers (and there were a lot) we could feel the happiness. It was so weird. This is the first birthday of hers we've celebrated without her. :'( We sang happy birthday to her and stuck around for awhile. My mom and dad are buried next to each other and my mom's birthday is Aug 19th and my dad's is Aug 21st and we wished him a happy birthday too but concentrated more on my mom's than my dad. He's been gone since November 30, 2001. Rylee

Hi Everyone, It's been awhile since I've been here. I've been kind of withdrawing myself from everything and everyone since my mom's death. It will be four months since she died come Sept 1st. A lot has happened. In spite of my not wanting to go through my mom's stuff I did it anyway to get my family off my back. They wouldn't let up and the more that I had to hear from them, "When are you going to go through mom's stuff? I want to have some of it..." "when are you going to sell the van? when are you going to sell her chair? when when when??? I just got tired of it and went through her things. I started reading her journals as well and read some very sad and also happy things about her life. I had to go to Utah to get my mom's journals from my brother. He was throwing everything away and I had to go get them. I think I mentioned that in another post but I have been quite emotional and feeling overwhelmed. I'm trying to get myself together so I can help other people who are grieving like you have all helped me. I'm sorry I haven't come in for so long. I just wish I could get my brain to say, "I love you mom, I'm missing you BUT I'm ok" I'm not ok yet. I still cry and I still think of her every day. I recently had a weird experience though. I was sitting just relaxing and I smelled the scent of the original Jergen's lotion waft by. It was my mom's favorite lotion. I don't have any in the house right now but it is an unmistakable scent (at least to me). It happened a few times throughout the day. It hasn't happened before or since. I wonder if it was my mom near me that day. I want to believe that is the case. Rylee

Kayc, I've never been like this before. I have always liked to have hugs and other forms of affection but right now I want to be left alone and when someone touches me it almost stings. I don't know how to explain that. I just feel like I'm going to crawl the walls if anyone touches me. I don't really want to hear anyone's voice either if I don't have to. I just keep feeling like packing all my things, and heading out where no one will ever see or hear from me again. I hate this feeling. I think I need to see a grief counselor but I don't have the money to do that. Hospice was supposed to call me and set up something but I can't get hold of them now that my mom is gone and no one has called me back. I don't know why. I leave message after message and no return calls. I don't know where to go for help that I can afford (which is really nothing at this point).

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back here. It will be three weeks tomorrow since my mom passed but it seems like so much longer. I'm doing better, but still have moments I can't control my tears. As I said in my original post about this, I had to dress my mom. That was a very good experience. The issues I had been having with my sister ended. We decided to just stop arguing and work together to do the funeral and everything else. We dressed our mother together and then with the help of the funeral director (who also prepared her body for viewing) and one other person I brought with me, we placed my mom in her casket. The funeral director did such a good job on my mom and she looked so beautiful I couldn't believe it. I had expected her to look terrible because she looked so awful when she died. It was a relief to see her looking so good. Well, as good as a deceased person can look anyway. She just looked like she was sleeping. I stayed with her the day of the viewing and family was here with us for several days before the funeral and a few days afterward. Although it was good to have family here, I was very relieved when they left and the house was quiet. I still don't want people to touch me or hug me or anything. I don't know why. I miss my mom so much and it's just not getting any better. I don't cry so much but I still miss her terribly. Rylee

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed on May 1st and it really hurts so I know how you're feeling. I pray you'll find peace. It is definitely not easy. Rylee