My brother died last August at 25 years old. He died of a heroin overdose. He had been clean for almost a year before that night, and by all accounts was doing well. He was alone when he died and unfortunately we will never know what made him relapse. 4 people were charged with reckless homicide for his death. One has made a plea deal, but I am still facing 3 jury trials where I have to hear over and over, everything he went through that night. I Wrote this last night in one of my darker moments. I felt compelled to share: "Irrational. I even hate the way the word sounds. I know it's Irrational to be upset over a simple conversation with a friend, but I am. I'm finding it difficult to deal with at the moment. I'm mad and frustrated. Not at my friend, or really anyone in particular. But I feel like a bomb waiting to explode. I'm ready to lash out without warning. I remove myself from the situation. Still angry. I remove myself from EVERYONE. Still raging. I try and clear my mind, but all I can hear are the screams of my inner voice. I slowed down long enough to realize my heart is beating fast and I'm breathing heavy. This just makes me more upset. I'm frustrated because I can't control anything, especially myself. I can't change what's happened and I can't change the way I feel about it. I want someone to blame. Someone to hold responsible. But I know logically, it isn't anyone's fault. So I keep it. Hold it inside where it eats away at me. I'm alone, but it's safer that way. I can keep the demons caged if there aren't any targets for them. I worry that I have lost myself. That so much of me is gone that I am just a fragile shell. I think about how unfair it is. You hear "Life isn't fair" all your life, but you never know how deeply unfair it can be. How can I be okay again? It's as if a chunk of me has been ripped off, and the world expects me to soldier on. I'm not okay. But sharing only makes it worse. Hurting and guarded feels better than hurting and vulnerable. I'm pretending, hoping it will eventually be real. I want so much for this wound to heal. My illusions of my own self have been shattered. I used to think I had control over at least my own mind. Now I've been hijacked by unbearable emotions. Grief and sadness are there, but mostly anger, pain, and above all, helplessness. I start to question whether anything was ever okay, or if I just was better at convincing myself. Maybe my whole world has been spiraling towards this moment and I've been in denial. I'm lost without you. I can't function in a world where you are not there. How do I get out of bed? Take a shower? Go to work? All I want to do is stand up and SCREAM. "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT HE'S GONE? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT THIS WORLD IS NOT OKAY?" There is something fundamentally wrong. Something that can never be changed. But I go through the motions. I get out of bed. I get ready and go to work. I smile. I laugh. But something is missing. I'm a recording of my former self. Sometimes I know others see through the facade. But no one would say so. No one knows what to say. Because there isn't anything TO say. No amount of words can make up, or change, or heal. I am forever in this place."
