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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

surfergirl

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    daughter
  • Date of Death
    NA
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Los Angeles

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  1. I'm back from seeing my mom. Very glad I went. I visited a very supportive friend first (her dad died of leukemia) then hitched a 2.5 hour ride with her friend to my hometown. Same people who offered me a place to stay and reiterated their offer. Good people. Mom had finished radiation a few days before. My dad and brother remarked that her condition visibly improved since radiation ended; she doesn't use her cane indoors and she can prepare meals again. It was some of the best time we have spent together. She said it was a huge boost to her spirits, which is so important. Already planning to return. As for my friends, well, it became obvious to me those that are able to hang with the grief, guilt and sorrow and those that are not. I am opting to focus on the former. I try not to judge. None of this is easy.
  2. Thank you both for your kind words. I am dreading the journey and the visit, to be honest. My in-laws here on the coast have recently lost a loved one to lung cancer as has my husband's ex-wife (who we are close friends with) so I do have a LOT of support and compassion locally. My husband lost his brother to cancer a few years before I met him. Having been through it, everyone here seems to know what to say, how to say it and what to expect, which is really nice. I guess I just assumed everyone else would be as compassionate. This experience has also caused me to cast my mind back to when I felt helpless and at a loss when friends were mourning the loss of their parents. I can't recall being so callous or giving trite, un-asked for advice, however. I just couldn't relate. I don't know. I feel very judgmental and that's not a good feeling. As difficult as it is, I will put it on the back burner for now and focus on the support I DO have. Like you, kayc, I have let them know how it made me feel over the phone. And I have never, ever avoided someone when they were mourning. However, I believe a real, unscripted, unfiltered face-to-face talk is necessary if the friendship is to continue. It just feels like this hurt is piling upon more hurt just when I am at my most vulnerable. Fairweather friends are not true friends. I am sort of introverted and do not make friends easily, which is sort of why I feel this loss so acutely. I guess this is why there are support groups for folks like us - we can relate to each other's pain. My husband keeps telling me I will come out stronger for it. My relationship with my brother has already gotten a LOT closer. Why do I feel so guilty about wanting to talk about myself and my feelings? Yeah, its self-absorbed but isn't this normal?
  3. Everyone's story here resonates with me so much right now. Long story short: mom diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. my relationship with mom (I am in my 40's) has not been easy. I come from a family with intergenerational trauma, resulting in childhood neglect and emotional abuse, focused more on the eldest daughter (me, my mother and my grandmother). Therapy has helped me and I admit I haven't always acted in the most loving way towards mom when I was realizing the depth of deprivation I experienced as a child. We barely spoke over the past two years (I live far away) and now her cancer. Talk about guilt! So many emotions coming up with me. I have (or so I thought) a small group of good friends back home that I figured I could rely on to accommodate me, to give me a bed and just be there for me while I am visiting family next week for the first time since the diagnosis. None was forthcoming. In fact, when I asked, nobody even responded. I finally called one friend five days later to follow up - she said she didn't respond because she didn't want to feel uncomfortable and didn't want drama. I told her life gets uncomfortable sometimes, that's just how it is. I live by the beach and since I moved here 2 years ago she has stayed with me twice for a week at a time. Finally she texted me offering her place but now I am not sure I want to be with her since she doesn't seem to be able to hang with the discomfort and I really don't want to be a burden. Ugh. My other friend is even worse. When I texted her how anxious I felt about seeing my mom (who, in the two months since I saw her has had a seizure and a stroke and lost mobility and memory and is losing her 'filter' so has angry outbursts at everyone), she gave me a list of advice I really didn't want, need or ask for. Then I get a text that was clearly not meant for me. It said: "she's worried her mom will be mean to her. Like I said, its all about surfergirl now. She's not the one dying and going through chemotherapy.." I was stunned. I reached out for support from a "friend" of almost 20 years and had my heart ripped out of my chest in return. I called her and she didn't even know she had made the mistake. To her credit, she let me talk without interruption while I told her how she had broken my heart and I need non-judgmental, compassionate support, not advice. I told her she needs to be the bigger person here. Then I let her go. I am wondering what else I can say to my "friends" who clearly cannot understand and are even judging me for my feelings. I have received more compassion from perfect strangers than from these people. Thankfully, I have found a place to stay with a person in my hometown I have met ONCE. Should I just drop my friends and focus on new ones? Should I be more understanding of their obvious lack of capacity to empathize? How can i explain to them what I need?
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