Thank you both for your kind words. I am dreading the journey and the visit, to be honest. My in-laws here on the coast have recently lost a loved one to lung cancer as has my husband's ex-wife (who we are close friends with) so I do have a LOT of support and compassion locally. My husband lost his brother to cancer a few years before I met him. Having been through it, everyone here seems to know what to say, how to say it and what to expect, which is really nice. I guess I just assumed everyone else would be as compassionate.
This experience has also caused me to cast my mind back to when I felt helpless and at a loss when friends were mourning the loss of their parents. I can't recall being so callous or giving trite, un-asked for advice, however. I just couldn't relate. I don't know. I feel very judgmental and that's not a good feeling.
As difficult as it is, I will put it on the back burner for now and focus on the support I DO have. Like you, kayc, I have let them know how it made me feel over the phone. And I have never, ever avoided someone when they were mourning. However, I believe a real, unscripted, unfiltered face-to-face talk is necessary if the friendship is to continue. It just feels like this hurt is piling upon more hurt just when I am at my most vulnerable. Fairweather friends are not true friends. I am sort of introverted and do not make friends easily, which is sort of why I feel this loss so acutely.
I guess this is why there are support groups for folks like us - we can relate to each other's pain. My husband keeps telling me I will come out stronger for it. My relationship with my brother has already gotten a LOT closer.
Why do I feel so guilty about wanting to talk about myself and my feelings? Yeah, its self-absorbed but isn't this normal?