seachelle

Thanks for this resource MartyT!!

Hey guys, my mom's health is declining rapidly and I would like to start gathering some resources for myself. I am overwhelmed by the number of books you can find online. Can anyome recommend a few good one's for help with grief after death, or anticipatory grief?

Hi Solitude, I agree with Kayc, grief is a traumatic experience and often the first major loss you experience is the worst as the experience of loss and coping skills are not present yet. The way you describe your grief sounds like depression, which is a common development when one is grieving. Is there any trusted adult you can speak to. While your feelings are normal, I would hope that you have some resources in your family who can help you cope and help you get back to living your life, little by little, as it may be.

The loss is still very fresh. I think it's normal at this point to still be feeling a lot of hard emotions. The reason you didn't visit him in the hospital as much as you wanted probably had to do with the fact that like most of us, you need a job to survive, and attendance is mandatory to keeping job. I hope in time you can come to blame yourself less for what happened.

I'm so happy you were able to come to some sort of peace with her and her continued presence in your life. I think it can take a long time, and from what I hear returning to baseline is not really possible, it's like you'd have to have never known your mother not to feel the loss.

Experiencing death with a loved one is a traumatic experience, especially if you were there in the very last days. Guilt is a normal part of grief unfortunately. It seems that everyone on this site has found some reason to blame themselves for causing or making the situation worse, or failing to make it better. Please don't blame yourself for your grandfathers last days. Most people would have felt the same. We are all used to considering hospitals healing places and we want to believe it can work for everyone even in dire circumstances. There is a very likely possibility that even if you had taken him home he would have returned for some reason, either to seek more medical care or because other family members would have panicked.

Hi there, I've heard it gets better, and based on the vast number of people who go on to live productive lives after experiencing major loss, just think, all of our parents also lost their parents and went on to live productive lives. It seems that that is possible. I don't think it's possible to fully ever stop missing the person, and that will cause some sadness. I think like all depressive conditions, improving the symptoms of grief takes active practice. I think we have to be mindful of ourselves and not judge ourselves too harshly even though society would prefer us to just get over it. I think it means finding value and connections in new experiences. Yoga isn't going to cure your grief, and niether will a book club, but one thing i know for sure is that sitting around alone will definitely make it worse.

It took her a while to respond, i'm sure she was weighing the cost/benefits but she did get back to me and we exchanged numbers and agreed to be there for each other in moments of weakness. I don't know if I will ever choose to call her, but it's comforting to know someone is there if I do need to talk.

It sounds like he gave you an older medication. I go back and ask for an SSRI, they can lead to drowsiness, but don't sedate like the old ones and if you take them at night they may actually help you sleep. Unfortunately, the way modern society is built, other ways don't often fit into the responsibilities of daily life. Medication doesn't mean your weak and you don't have to take it forever.

She just replied with a brief response confirming that her parents have passed.

I've encountered a curious occurrence. I know we routinely encourage each other to seek out and talk to others who have experienced grief. In my case, my grief is for my mom. I reached out to a good friend from high school on facebook, we aren't as close as we used to be but we've maintained contact through the years on FB, after losing touch in our 20's. By the time we reconnected, it seems both of her parent's had passed. We are both in our early 30's. In a moment of weakness, i messaged her, desperate to hear from someone else who's been through it, someone I actually know. She hasn't responded and I'm hurt but also embarrassed that I likely brought up a topic she would like not to think about.

Hey all, I posted this in a couple of spots. You could say I'm feeling desperate for affirmation. After doing pretty good the past couple of weeks I'm having a rough night again when I think about how far my mom has progressed in her dementia over the last few months. I can tell she is trying to compensate which makes me feel bad for her. I can only imagine how scary it must be to be able to tell that you are losing your short term memory. I'm also being overworked as I adjust to a promotion at work and I feel more and more that our culture just doesn't allow people to feel anything but desire for money and success, not time to reinforce family bonds, not time to be sad, just work and keep being productive. It's a sad state of affairs. I don't know if anyone can relate, but it helps to voice these thoughts that I am usually prohibited from speaking or giving any indication that I'm feeling.

Hey all, after doing pretty good the past couple of weeks I'm having a rough night again when I think about how far my mom has progressed in her dementia over the last few months. I can tell she is trying to compensate which makes me feel bad for her. I can only imagine how scary it must be to be able to tell that you are losing your short term memory. I'm also being overworked as I adjust to a promotion at work and I feel more and more that our culture just doesn't allow people to feel anything but desire for money and success, not time to reinforce family bonds, not time to be sad, just work and keep being productive. It's a sad state of affairs. I don't know if anyone can relate, but it helps to voice these thoughts that I am usually prohibited from speaking or giving any indication that I'm feeling.

I would encourage you not to push them away though. If they are trying to be supportive, it means they do care. It may be wise to keep in touch with these friends and acquaintances.

It's not that they don't care, it's that there's nothing they can do and they know it. There are no words they can speak that will alleviate your pain long term. They are struggling to be supportive, it's the blind leading the blind.

Hello, I know it's tempting in these times to find someone to blame. It seems that the doctor tried his best, knowing it likely wouldn't work, and was honest with you about that. The doctor probably did the surgery to alleviate any guilt you might feel over not having done enough etc. Unfortunately, it sounds like this was a chance incident and there isn't much you or the doctor could have done to change the outcome. I'm so sorry for your loss. You did not make the wrong decision. You did what you felt was best at the time, in dire circumstances. That's all anyone could expect.

I have def. been there as well! That's why it's so hard to hear about others going through the same things.

Drop him like a hot potato. He showed you his capacity to help you through difficult times when he broke up with you when your mom died, and when he continued to communicate about fun things with no intention of inviting you along. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone like that, and I can't fathom why he's worth your time as a friend. I agree, this person isn't going to give you any help, he's going to add to your problems. No contact is the way to go. We're here for you if you need to vent.

Animals adapt because they lack something called "verbal behavior", at least don't have it at the same extent that we do. Humans can talk about their thoughts, project feelings into the future and worry about what if's, verbal behavior also underlies our feelings of guilt and regret, and plays a part in all other emotions, but is especially potent in the way we worry about the future, and ruminate on the past. It is likely that animals lack the sophisticated thought processes that humans use to ruminate on bad life experiences. The cute little dog adapted because he isn't spending every waking moment worrying about, regretting and bemoaning his current existence. He enjoying it with the senses he still has. There is something for us to learn in that.

Days will be good and bad. It's ok to have bad days, just know that they will pass, not in the sense that you will graduate to euphoria and not experience the loss, but you will have better days. You have to ride the wave.

Hi there Hol, you've been on one rough ride. 9 years is a long time to spend in a job you hate, with no support group in friends or family. There are some s*** therapists out there, but even the best therapists can only do so much. I hope you are able to find a way to make your career worth it. I don't know your circumstances or job prospects, but I don't think I could tolerate an environment like what you describe. I wonder if there are opportunities for you elsewhere, but I'm sure you've already considered that. As far as making friends, it's really hard as an adult. People are busy, tired etc. etc. We all are. It really takes time and effort to make quality friends as an adult. Friendly acquaintances are easy to find, and sometimes they can turn into friends, but often their life and yours just don't align in a way that can lead to a committed, trusting friendship. I am not master of this. It often seems like the people I'd like to be friends with simply don't have time, live too far away etc. But I never give up, because to give up accept a lie that it's impossible and that's just not true.

I'd pack it up and take it to goodwill or drop it at his house when he's not there. Make it real inconvenient for him to get through the front door with all the boxes if you go that route I know the closure if hard, the reality is that he may, and likely does, care more about himself than giving you any closure. If that is the case then he is truly not worth your time and your best bet is moving on.

It's going to be difficult to build friendships in the traditional way while you are going through this. You will be busy caring for him and many people may worry that they don't know what to do or say. I would highly recommend a caregiver support group. They can often be found a local hospitals. If you want to try meeting people outside of that realm I'd look into book clubs or volunteering. There is a site called meetup.com, that has many groups from book clubs, to writing groups and yoga groups etc.

It may be time to call a crisis line. I know what you are feeling. The loss is devastating and new so I don't want you to think I am saying that there is anything abnormal. But your posts are concerning. It sounds like you don't have much of support network if any, additionally I can hear the anxiety in your words and I know that feeling. Here are some contacts I found in staten island that may be beneficial. Safe Horizon domestic abuse center https://www.safehorizon.org/ Crisis counseling and referral services https://sisandyhelp.org/crisis-counseling-referral-services/ Stated Island university hospital bereavement services http://www.siuh.edu/Our-Services/Clinical-Services/Hospice/Bereavement-Services.aspx Stated island private grief counseling center emma's place http://www.siuh.edu/Our-Services/Clinical-Services/Hospice/Bereavement-Services.aspx crisis line Crisis hotline 1-800-LIFENET (543-3638) is a free, confidential, multi-lingual, mental health and substance abuse information, referral, and crisis prevention hotline available to anyone at any time.

Hello, so sorry you are going through this. Anticipatory grief is a blessing and curse. Ultimately, anticipatory grief only presents itself when the death of a loved one is imminent, and that is where the curse comes in. It's so draining and defeating to go day after day carrying your fear around with you. It's also a blessing in a way. Many people don't get time with a loved one before the loss. The occurs suddenly and they have no time to make arrangements, say all the things they always wanted to say, or say goodbye. You mention fearing being alone. Grief is very isolating. People are scared of it so they are often not as supportive as we need them to be. I don't know what your existing support network looks like, but I'd recommend joining an in person support group for caregivers, or an in person grief support group. Due to the severity of your situation, I would also recommend 1:1 therapy. You will need to have someone who can take the burden of your thoughts and fears without running for the hills. Lastly, remember that if your husbands death comes to pass there are still people out there for you to connect with. There are friends to make and causes to champion with others. It sounds trite I know, but if and when the loss occurrs, we have to remember that being alone is a temporary state and it can be mediated. The loved one doesn't want us wallowing in sadness at home.