moondiamond

Hello everyone, I posted here after the loss of my pets in the past, and found solace in the community and support here. Today I am writing here not because of the loss of one of my own pets, but a situation I just found myself witnessing and am feeling very saddened and frustrated by it. I was driving home when a little squirrel ran onto the street from the grass in right front of my car. I slammed on the breaks (no one was behind me) and in doing so, was able to slow down enough for the little guy to stop under my car and actually avoid being hit by it, but unfortunately, another car was in the oncoming lane, and the squirrel ran straight into it's path. I am disturbed and so devastated because I looked in my side view mirror and saw him get hit and killed by the oncoming car :( I love animals so much and do everything in my power to watch closely for them while driving to of course and avoid hitting them. I am so upset by the mental image I have of the little squirrel being hit. I drove back a little while later to see if maybe he was just stunned and able to get up and run away. Sadly, his tiny little body was still on the road. I was crying so hard at this point, and didn't feel I had the strength to take him off the road but now I feel like I should have. I feel so upset by this whole situation. I keep thinking that if I had've been able to stop sooner, or if I hadn't have been driving on the road at this time, then the squirrel wouldn't have been hit. Even though it wasn't my car that made the impact that killed him, I feel like it's my fault. I wish I could have stopped sooner and then the other driver may have had a chance to slow down too, and let the squirrel pass safely :( He even had a little nut in his mouth that maybe he was taking to his family, or hiding for the winter. The whole mental image I have of what happened is upsetting me so deeply. I feel so heartbroken and frustrated. I know there's nothing that can be done now, except always continue to drive safely and watch for animals, but I really wanted to get this off my chest. Thanks for listening and giving me somewhere to share my feelings about this situation :( Laura

hi kayc, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. i am trying to remember that guilt is a natural reaction to loss; my guilt just feels so real and valid that it’s been very hard for me to accept that what i’m feeling is just part of the grief process. the articles you linked to were helpful in giving me perspective. i’m grateful to be able to post here on the forum too, having it and an outlet has been a shoulder to lean on for me the past few days.

hi chrissie, i am so sorry for the loss of your toy poodle. i understand completely how much it hurts. thank you so much for taking the time to respond and write such kind words to me. i know how difficult grief is to navigate. the fact that you took time to help someone else while you’re going through such difficulty yourself is very caring and compassionate of you. we had to put our sweet perfect siamese cat to sleep last year; i remember too clearly how awful it is to make that decision. i had visions afterwards for so long of his last day on earth, the cold vet clinic, and how afraid he must have been. the ordeal was traumatic and i am so sorry that you’ve been faced with it. i am now having to endure this pain a second time with my poor little gecko. the guilt i feel is unbearable. i am trying to look for the positives and focus on the life he had when he was still here with me. his loss has hurt me so much more than i ever could have expected. i hope you’re able to find some peace and calm soon as well. after losing my siamese cat, i somehow did feel better after some time and was able to look back on his memory with a smile. the pain is no longer traumatizing, but i will always miss him. i hope we both have that healing with our recent losses. hang in there, hugs to you.

thanks marty for your empathy and understanding. i ended up reading my old posts as you suggested and actually found myself wanting to give advice, as if it was someone else who wrote those posts. i found that i have learned a lot in my grief. it’s all too familiar now with my more recent loss. i keep telling myself that i WILL feel better with time. i wouldn’t have believed that last year when i was going through this, but i find it more comforting this time knowing that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

hi there everyone, this is going to be a long post but i am honestly desperate for support right now. thank you in advance for your patience if you read this through. i posted here a year or so ago after the extremely difficult loss of our siamese cat. i'm here again today because yesterday, i had to put my 7 year old gecko to sleep. he became very sick, was dehydrated, lethargic, weak, and possibly had a mass in his abdomen according to the vet. she suggested that putting him to sleep was the most humane option. i'm having tremendous difficulty processing and accepting the reasons for his death; specifically, i feel as though i am solely to blame for his suffering and ultimate passing. i know that guilt is a normal feeling in grief, but my guilt feels so real and justified in this case. i don't know if or how i will ever be able to forgive myself for this. some background: my gecko had a health condition that started when he was a 3 week old hatchling. he had malnutrition and vitamin/mineral deficiencies, causing problems with his bone development early in his life. when he came into my care, i got him veterinary treatment, a high quality, proper diet, and a proper tank setup to alleviate his deficiencies. he ended up doing very well and i was able to restore his health at this point in time. he never developed fully however, and remained a very small, skinny gecko for the 7 years of his life. the reason i feel so awful now, is that in his final days, he was severely dehydrated and weak. with this type of gecko, you need to keep the moisture level in the tank at a certain percentage, by spraying the inside of the tank with a misting bottle. i fear that i did not mist his tank well enough, and in fact, may have forgotten to do it altogether a few times his tank was quite dry when i found him looking very ill the other night. being that it's november here in canada, we had our furnace running, and i fear that the rooms in our house were perhaps a lot dryer than they were in the summertime. you need to let the tank dry out completely before spraying again to prevent mold - too much moisture isn't a good thing either, but i know in my heart that i should have been spraying the tank more to give him ample hydration. i feel SICK with guilt over this. i am a huge animal lover, a compassionate vegan, and would usually do anything for my pets. but right now i feel like a neglectful piece of garbage and i hate myself for what has happened. at the vet yesterday, the vet told me that geckos with the health problems he had as a baby usually only live 5-8 years, and being that he was 7 years old put him right in the middle of that. she said that she was impressed he lived this long, given his early health issues. she said it was likely that he didn't develop completely early on as a hatchling due to his deficiency issues. regardless of all that, i told her about the hydration worries i had, and she said it sounded like i cared for him well and that she sees a lot of geckos like him that pass as early as 1 or 2 years. she said she believed i did everything right and didn't seem to pay much mind to my concerns about the hydration level in the tank. her words were reassuring but i still cannot forgive myself for this. i feel like i could have continued to give him years of life and that he was dehydrated because of me my husband and family have been trying over and over to tell me that i took good care of him and that even if i forgot to mist the tank a few times, that he was unwell from the beginning of his life, and that i still gave him 7 years against the odds. but i know in my heart i could have done better, and i know my guilt is justified. i just don't know how i am ever going to forgive myself please please help me

Thanks Marty. I am just so upset about what happened to this poor kitten from the neighbour's, I really just can't get over it and I feel just sick to my stomach I love animals and always have, and I have always taken it really hard if I hear of them being sick or hurt. Right now I feel even more hypersensitive in this way because of what has happened to my precious Ninja. I thought I was doing a little better in my grief until I heard about this little kitten being hit by a car. Now I just feel so crushed all over again. This has honestly been such a terrible past 6 weeks for me. I know grief and sadness are part of life and I am sure there are so many people who have experienced much worse. But nonetheless this has been a struggle for me and I just wish I could go back to when I felt happier in my life When Ninja was still here with me and at the stray kitten from the neighbour's was still here. The only light I have right now is my new kitten Dexter and I am so stricken with fear that something will happen to him it's just like I have constant stress and sadness. Dexter seems to really like me and I just don't want him to feel my negative energy from all of this that I'm dealing with internally. Sorry for rambling...

Thank you to each of you for your kind responses. The support and reassurance truly helps. I am feeling a little better today. My new baby Dexter is always very closeby to me, we have bonded well since I brought him home and having him nearby is helpful. It is almost as though he knows that I am hurting and need him right now! Kay - your comment about the neighbour's kitten gave me a perspective I hadn't even considered! It is true that had we adopted him, he may have died anyways. We would have kept him indoors as we always have with cats, but I suppose regardless, there is never a guarantee. Do people in the grief community believe that everything happens for a reason? I have been clinging to this notion lately as a means of reassuring myself I guess.

Hello everyone, Long post here - I thank you in advance if you take the time to read this. I am just not sure where to turn right at the moment and I thought it best to write all my thoughts in one place. If you have the time and energy to help me, I would be very grateful. On August 25th, my husband and I lost our precious Siamese cat, Ninja, to heart disease. We were and still are, absolutely devastated. We miss him dearly still now, it has been almost 2 months. A couple of weeks ago, we decided to adopt a new kitten; we went and picked him up and he has been home with us. We love him dearly already, and he has brought so much needed happiness and joy to our empty house since Ninja left us. We called him Dexter. It was truly a bittersweet adoption - we miss Ninja more than anything, but this new little guy has really helped us cope by providing us with a lot of fun and laughter. I will always love and miss Ninja so much but Dexter has really saved my broken soul in so many ways. Fast forward to this weekend. I am starting to have an extreme phobia/fear that something will happen to Dexter I am compulsively checking on him and safeguarding things in my house to ensure that no harm will come to him. Two nights ago, Dexter was asleep under the couch. I called him out to come and see me, and when he came out he lied down on the carpet. This is relevant because when Ninja left us, he had a blood clot which disabled him from being able to walk. He had lied down on the carpet under the coffee table and I discovered that he could not walk. When Dex came out from under the couch the other night, he lied down under the coffee table, I am guessing because he was still a little sleepy. Anyways, this sent me into sheer PANIC mode, my brain almost reverted back to what had happened to Ninja and I was immediately convinced that Dex couldn't walk for some reason I screamed for my Hubby who ran into the room and looked astonished at me - Dex was 100% fine, there was nothing wrong with him at all, but for some reason I just freaked and thought something was wrong with his legs??? Then a few hours later I was dozing off watching TV - someone in the TV show screamed and it woke me up very startled and immediately I thought it was my husband screaming for me that something was wrong with Dexter. Dex was actually sound asleep right next to me. Am I experiencing PTSD??? Next thing was that I accidentally found out that our neighbour's outdoor kitten was hit by a car this weekend also. To complicate everything, I am feeling extreme guilt over this. Our neighbor had initially said we could adopt this little kitten before we got Dexter. During this time though I was still very fragile in my grief with Ninja having passed away. This kitten eventually bonded with the neighbour's kids and their family and spent all of his time in their yard. I considered him to be their kitten, so hubby and I of course went on to adopt our own baby, and we got Dexter. But now I feel guilty that we did not take him in and that he was hit by a car I feel so sick over everything that has happened and it has really stirred up some awful emotions for me. I am thinking of seeking counseling to help me deal with all of this. Thank you for anyone who read all of this. Writing it out helps.

something strange happened to me yesterday. i was feeling not so bad for a couple of days, trying to find some strength and positivity, and was doing a little better. but yesterday i had such an awful feeling. i started to almost have a panic attack. i felt like a weight was crushing my chest, my throat was so tight, and my heart was racing. it just felt like inescapable fear and i have felt very sad and down ever since. finding it difficult to see the light right now. i can't imagine ever feeling better from all of this.

marty, that's just it - i think just knowing that other people have survived and found a happy life after loss, then maybe i can as well. it's hard to imagine ever feeling better to be honest. but seeing those types of stories and how people cope and survive is still inspiring. thank you also so, so much for your quick replies. having someone to talk to is certainly helpful. <3

thank you for sharing the article marty. i read it through completely and did find it helpful. actually, i read through most of the entire blog last night. it was such an interesting and heartbreaking story. i have been spending A LOT of time reading stories about other people's experiences with loss and grief, and i am finding that this is really the only thing that is bringing me much comfort, which sounds awful. i feel bad finding solace in others' grief, but i guess it just helps to know i'm not alone in how i am feeling.

hi everyone, still struggling today, but i think i maybe feel just slightly better with each passing day. the hard moments hit me out of nowhere and i am inconsolable. just now, i wanted so much to look at photos of my sweet little kitty. but i am finding it SO hard and SO painful to look at pictures of him. should i look anyways? will it help me to conquer my fear of this grief? it's like i so badly want to look at his pictures but i just cannot bring myself to i just looked at two pictures (of hundreds that i have of him) and it spiked a feeling of despair. i don't want to look at his photos and feel this way. i want to be able to look at his photos and remember him in a loving way. any advice would be appreciated. thank you.

hi cheryl, aw bodie is so cute. he has such a sweet little face losing them is definitely tough

kay, your miss mocha is so beautiful! what a dainty little girl. her coat is so beautiful! i wish i could pet her lovely fur! you must miss her dearly thank you for sharing her photo. today i felt a tiny bit better. i tried to have a relaxing day to myself and went to get some exercise, did some shopping, and went out to get dinner. i decided that anytime i am feeling sad, i am going to pick up my guitar and play. i played years ago, but i never seem to find time anymore. i've decided a nice way to honour ninja is to use my energy to start playing guitar again. i miss my baby so much but i am really trying to find ways to direct my energy to postive things to honour his memory. so when i am feeling really down about it, i'll pick up my guitar.

thank you so much for your kindness and comforting words. it's comforting that someone is out there who cares enough and understands what i feel right now. our little one's name was Ninja and he was the most beautiful, sweet-natured chocolate point siamese. i attached a photo of him. i miss him so much i wish i could just reach through the screen and kiss his little face.