This is my first post, I am not really sure where it fits exactly, so I'll give it a whirl here. I lost my mom in late August, she had a heart attack unexpectedly, three days before I was supposed to move back up to my college and begin my senior year, I am 21 years old. The whole situation was incredibly traumatic for me as I was the only one home with her (after visiting my boyfriend in Florida for two weeks, it literally happened 4 hours after she picked me up from the airport). I do not want to go into much details about how it happened, but both my Dad and brothers were at work while it happened, so I had to call 91, perform chest compressions and all of that jazz that the dispatcher walked me through completely alone. I've had a hard time dealing with this.
I have been with my boyfriend nearly two years, it has been a long distance relationship for our whole relationship, he attends school in Florida, I go to school in New York, and we never really had any problems with it. We never really argued, if we did it was more about us being upset because we were too busy and our schedules weren't matching up, but nothing ever too serious. Both of us have always been realistic with our relationship, and obviously wanted and saw a future together, but we were not naive about that. It's just that ever since my mom passed away, I just do not have the desire to be in a relationship any more. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the thought of having a future with him and I feel like if I do not even have hope for a future with someone, whats the point of continuing the relationship? I do not know if it is because it's long distant, and we both live very busy lives, but I am not getting the attention, I want or need from him during this time, when I feel like I need it most, but I also just do not feel like putting effort into it any more. I tried explaining this to him, that I felt like a relationship was too much while I was trying to process everything, but it was a few days after the one month mark of my moms passing so he took it as me just trying to push him away. This was the first time throughout our relationship we actually came close to breaking up, and he told me that he would work on things and try and be more attentive and make more time with me, but I just do not feel like an effort really has been made. This past month since we had that talk, I've been trying really hard to find happiness and handle everything while being with him, but here we are a month later and I still feel the same way I did then. I don't know how to explain this to him without hurting him, or make it realize that I don't think anything he does, or anyone does can change that.
I just feel like I'm not myself anymore, I'm not the person he fell in love with anymore, the relationship is no longer fulfilling my needs (I also think he is unhappy, but does not want to admit it to himself, or me), overall I just need to be focusing on myself and I can't because I'm worrying about how I need to figure out how to make our schedules work, it just feels like a chore rather than something to bring me happiness. I just feel horrible for feeling this way, because it's not like he's done anything wrong, but I'm afraid that I'm going to start resenting him and I do not want that to happen. Is this a normal reaction for people who are grieving? Does it seem like I'm just pushing him away? Should I keep trying to make it work, or just end it and take the time for myself? Any thoughts or opinions, or people who experienced something similar would be greatly appreciated. Also my apologies if my thoughts are all over the place!
