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Brad

Contributor
  • Content count

    363
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About Brad

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 08/19/1952

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Pinetop, AZ

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    husband
  • Date of Death
    07/29/2015
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Lund Family Home Hospice of the Valley, Gilbert AZ

Recent Profile Visitors

1,284 profile views
  1. Allen and Katie, Please know you are in our thoughts. I am truly saddened by this news. So much to deal with in such a short amount of time. Brad
  2. One of my neighbors died last week from influenza. She was is good health and bam...
  3. Dear Janka, I too feel badly that today, last night, is such a struggle. You have such strength in your beliefs and your compassion for others. I hope you find some peace soon.
  4. Tom - My house is still Deedo's house. I'm slowly changing things, but very slowly. Our bedroom was covered with photographs of our life together; now it's the grandkids and my travels Deedo had a year-round Christmas room. That was the first to change; it was her favorite room but for me it became a powerful trigger so now it's my den. The living room and kitchen are full of her treasures from her time in Europe, before we met. Those I can't bring myself to change. I am looking for the "warmth of her presence" but after thirty months they still are triggers; just triggers that I can handle. To be honest, this always was Deedo's house, inside and out. My job was to make certain she had what she wanted to make our house her home. Slowly I am going through cupboards trying to downsize; more for the kids when I'm gone than for myself. I don't need a roaster or dinnerware for 12. I need one plate, two pans, a couple of coffee cups, etc.
  5. I’m still trying to find my “new” life. The loneliness can be suffocating. I have two friends, both of whom I love dearly but I am not in love with either of them. I find I don’t wallow as much when I’m with them and we can open up with each other, being frank and candid about our lives. That is a rarity, too often people cannot handle reality, they want a fantasy. Sadly, these two friends are far enough away that it means getting on occasion, leaving far too much aloneliness time. As with Tom; Deedo was the reason I loved my life. I am happy staying passionately in love with her. But it would be nice to have someone to share the quiet times with. I might even find myself actually watching a movie rather than wandering aimlessly as the noise breaks the silence.
  6. Brad

    Why

    I always knew I was mortal; I simply never dreamed I would be the one remaining.
  7. Tony, My experience with a grief group was wonderfully supportive. People were allowed to participate at which ever level they felt comfortable with. Many would come and actively participate and many would come and be content listening. I believe everyone benefitted regardless of how much they joined in. If the first group doesn't work for you, find one that does. I went to two different groups: one was run by Hospice of the Valley and it was wonderful. For me it was worth the four hour drive to go from Pinetop to Gilbert. I tried one much closer to home but felt exceptionally isolated because the focus was far more on religion and not on what I was experiencing.
  8. Brad

    Why

    It really is a constant battle; managing grief. I'll find things that seem to work but everything is temporary. Fortunately the terrible times are also temporary. For me, the more I distract myself, the greater the intervals between melt downs. Keeping in mind what works for me, works (kind of) for me. I find reflecting daily of the positives of the day is helpful, others have found it more painful. I find travels and doing things I haven't done helpful, others find those activities compound the loneliness. Deedo left a letter where she stated she wanted me to grieve for a short time (yeah right!!) and to find companionship. That makes it easier for me; but the companionship, while wonderfully distracting and allows me to wallow with someone who really does understand, also creates an acute awareness of the void that still in my heart. But again, what works for me, works for me.
  9. Cookie, I really don't know if it's easier, I speculate that there are more widows than widowers but have nothing to support that. It also wouldn't surprise me if men were more prone to misinterpret gestures of companionship and friendship, taking them for something more. I mentioned my friend; she has problems with men in her support groups; she is still married although her husband has been nonresponsive for the most part for over two years; all the same she is married and some men struggle with that.
  10. I am not dating but I do enjoy going to musicals, ballets, symphonies, dinner, hikes, with ladies I know who are also grieving. To those outside looking in it looks like dates except for both of us it is simple companionship. I can only put up with myself for so long. When I travel on tours, I'll purchase two tickets to every concert I attend and always have found a taker for the second ticket. For me it is so nice to have an evening or a day of conversation and human contact. I have a friend who enjoys joining me. She is still married. Her husband has advanced Lewy Body's disease. It is not romance, it is simple friendship and we are able to commiserate and share with each other. I haven't found that in those who don't understand. They are the ones who want to fix that which is unfixable.
  11. Gwen- Some days it is all any of us have. That's why we are all here. Hugs my friend. Brad
  12. Pauly, For me it doesn’t matter what I plan, I soon regret making the plans and the closer the day comes the more I rue my impetuousness. I have to force myself into following through. Once I’m there, I do enjoy myself and am happy I forced myself; but it does happen every time I make plans ahead of time.
  13. I still find myself so wishing to share those "good" times with Deedo. So many things that I want to share with her to see her reaction. I find that at times I do enjoy myself but those times are unsustainable. I go to musicals/ballet/symphonies because that was something we never really shared. I don't go to movies because that is what we did. When I travel it's to parts unknown to me. Deedo was married to an Air Force pilot and lived eight years in Germany. She loved that country, she loved Switzerland, and I can see why, so do I but I can go there only because it was not a place we traveled to together. The first year I took the family to Disneyland because Deedo was passionate about it, she never tired of going there. Now that's done I can't see ever going back. In March, I'm taking the adult kids on a cruise. It will be interesting because the last Port of Call is Cozumel, a place Deedo and I went to a lot before she got sick. We never did a cruise so I'm not worried about that and I did book a scuba dive because that was always my thing, she'd shop and wander around town while I dove. Just seeing the island may be a trigger in and by itself. I digress. The point I wanted to make is that some of us may find ways to enjoy life and adapt to what lies before us but it certainly will not be easy nor will it be quick.
  14. It is beautiful, Merry Christmas and Happy Kings Day to you. Continue to take care of yourself, this illness has lasted too long.
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