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Robert63

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Son
  • Date of Death
    July 4, 2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice

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  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Chandler,Az

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  1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4TBCjcPCtSc It doesn't get any better with time. Missing Mom everyday, talking to her picture by her ashes about what's going on. I am getting my last will and testament notarized, have my directives as needed. I'm donating items to hospice charities, they were so good to Mom, she wanted to pass at home as she did. I'm making organized decisions about my house. For the people who say life is short, I think it's agonizing long especially if you lose your best friend and the only good thing that made your life purposeful and needed.
  2. I will Pray for you. My cousin who lost her Mother 10 years ago, (my Mother's sister also a very kind a sweet person like my Mother) has been sharing her experiences and listening to me through email. Mom passed in July but I still have flashbacks to all the pain and suffering she went through , I get a sickness in the pit of my stomach every time I remember. I guess it is common. I understand how difficult the Holidays will be. I have no family in the State. I have only a brother and a cousin left. I chose to ignore the Holidays. No decorations, No participation in the celebration just another day. Mom was 100% Italian, we had Lasagna for Christmas, the last few years she walked me through making it. I'll make the lasagna to honor our tradition together. Her ashes and a memorial are a few feet from me at my house so, I talked to her everyday The Platitudes you hear are annoying "She's in a better place" "She is no longer in Pain " "You will heal in time" etc. etc. it doesn't help it just is infuriating. There is NOTHING that anybody can say or do to make things better I've read the Hospice articles https://www.hov.org/grief-support-resources Like You I'm trying to get through the Holidays, I don't plan on being around long which is comforting. I'm in my 50's but already had a stroke and other health issues Do what makes you most comfortable like I said I choose no Holiday music, no gifts/cards ,no Holiday specials, Take Care Robert
  3. Thank You for the kind words. We said everything to each other and did everything for each other but it still doesn't make it any easier because she is gone. You shouldn't feel guilty, I feel guilty also when you are going through it you are mentally and physically exhausted you try to make the best decisions or help them make the best decisions at the time. I wish I spent over night at the rehab place she was at. I had to take care of her house, my house her cats and my pets I was exhausted and she always said go take care of yourself or take a day off- which I wouldn't but being alone at a place feeling horrible and scared but I had a stroke 2 years ago and not in best shape. I wish everyday that I would die and pray to GOD to bring me to my mother and see my pets that have passed. I know how you feel. I've seen both my parents taken apart piece by piece with painful years of suffering. I wouldn't want a single minute of my time taken away that I had with my Mother but she was a good caring sweet person and had to suffer so much. If this helps. When she 1st passed i needed to talk to people all the time. It's been 4 months, now I just want to be by my self. I have her ashes next to me in my house with personal items. Sometimes I have panic attacks and say GOD help me I can't live without her I'm sure your Mother loves you and that last few months would have happened no matter what. I don't have answers it's only a few months but for me I feel my purpose in life was to take care of her, now that it's over I don't see a purpose for my life other than see doctors twice a week and take prescribed pills all day. Guess just waiting to be re-united
  4. KayC Thank You for the kind words. Much appreciated
  5. My Mother Passed away on July 4th 2016 Let me give you background How close my Mother and I are/were We talked on the phone a few times a day, then I would go over and spend 5 or more hours with Mom, we sent each other cards once a week to cheer each other up and I would buy her flowers once a month ( she could keep flowers going strong looking fresh for 2+ weeks) She is my best friend and purpose for life. I try not to use past tenses. I'm her Son, friend, caregiver and would do anything to keep her happy, motivated and continue going with whatever I could research and buy to keep her as comfortable as possible with health issues. I would buy her nice gifts whether it was a $400 Armani Tinkerbell , sericels , even little stuffed animals ,her whole house was filled with collectibles which made her happy. The only reason I looked forward to Christmas was to see her open the many gifts I got her. She had a difficult life with a bad marriage, my father was verbally abusive to all of us especially Mom and like all women Mom tried to keep the peace and not let me get aggressive with him. When he died in 2000 she was finally free and happy but only a few good years before the health declined. She had emphysema, diabetes, kidney issues, cancer polyps etc. as the years went by things got worse with neuropathy in both hands & feet could no longer drive walking was difficult, in and out of hospitals 24/7 oxygen nebulizer prednisone, she got weaker and weaker, the last ten years she had a very rough health declining issues that made her life very frustrating and painful.I left my job for 2 year to take care of her when she had blood clots, then 3 years later I took off 3 years to take care of her so she could live at home and never go to a nursing home. 2 years ago I had a TIA stroke and I had to move in with Mom for 2 weeks because I was so weak and shaky so, we took care of each other. It was always Me & Mom whether it was Thanksgiving dinner or Christmas even though sister lives close it was Mom and I that stayed Catholic, had same political views, same taste in TV shows and the only time I felt relaxed and comfortable was going over to Mom's house and spending the day with her. I had my time with women in my 20's & 30's but my health declined with anemia, iron IV's diabetes & the TIA so we enjoyed each others company and would confide in each other and talk about the news or whatever was going on. My life was dedicated to Mom , all my time was spent trying to find a way to keep her going. Now I'm conflicted part of my brain doesn't accept she is not there, I'll have panic attacks at times. Going to the store and seeing Halloween things made me sad I would buy her a animated stuffed animal and some fun cards but got a empty gut feeling remembering I can't buy it for her and make her smile. The other part of my brain is more rational and reminds me that she was in so much pain, suffering and her body just wouldn't let her go on anymore. She had such a horrible humiliating and painful passing. It started with weakness and breathing problems. The hospital got her steady after 2 weeks but her bed sores were getting worse and painful. I guess because of the skin age it kept breaking open, she tried to keep busy on her feet even though it was painful. When she got home even though nothing changed her blood sugars went crazy, had a diabetic coma, the paramedics resolved it but then she got C diff. it makes you go all the time you can't control it and when you can't walk very much you have to wait for someone to walk you to the bathroom and help get you cleaned up. I tried my best but then she got dehydrated and incoherent which was heartbreaking to see. Back to the hospital. Horrible waiting for nurses to change you plus was multiplying the bed sores. The hospital pushed her out after 2 weeks so she went to a rehab which I researched and got the best possible but again she had to wait to be changed , I did my best bringing in her favorite food, although she couldn't each very much. The rehab people are polite, helpful did their best but when you keep going over and over it takes everything out of you and was embarrassing, painful and frustrating. I got Mom home but we had to still get her to the bathroom but she was getting weaker and weaker and harder to get her to her feet so we finally had to call hospice. She was frustrated that she couldn't even stand because of weakness. I was fooling myself trying to convince her we just need to get your strength back and Hospice would put her back on regular medical Insurance. Her mind was still sharp. She start having bad dreams and reacting scared to loud noises as Hospice had advised us. I held her hand and tried reassuring Mom. She all of a sudden said something is very wrong, something is happening. I said I Love You, Mom said I Love you so much then she went into a coma. It was a long painful week of watching Mom in the coma, we gave her medication for pain. It was on July 4th my brother and sister were sleeping and she took her last breath in front me. I try to remember the good times but I see the terrible pain and humiliation she had to go through. I don't know what to do with my days I go through boredom, depression, try to distract myself and with the holidays coming up will be a stressful time without her. I guess my poor health keeps me distracted but my Brother and sister seem to have moved on and really don't respond to times when I want to talk about Mom. That's where I'm at
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