alittlelost

so sorry for your pain, i can't imagine what that must be like. thank you for writing in my post and as you read i am dealing with one of the deaths of this year being a suicide of a friend. this is the first time really dealing with this type of loss which is quite different then the others. i'm just now starting to sort it out (happened in june) because it was the end of a series of tragic and unsettling events. i am open to talking about the feelings associated with suicide if you ever want to. i know we have different circumstances but we share the darkness that goes along with it. hugs to you.

thank you all for the replies, i appreciate the words.

I have had my share of losses, the most life changing was when i was 21 and my 17 year old cousin (like a sister to me) and a 19 year old friend died unexpectedly in the same night. it caused me a lot of pain and some PTSD and years of self medicating. fast forward to this year full of cumulative grief that I am trying to sort through and looking for people to talk about with who understand. I have a good support group of friends and family and see a therapist and do lots of self care. but I am finding it hard to manage the events of 2016 which has been pretty traumatizing. here is brief synopsis from february-june: former coworker dies from heroin overdose (27 yr old) my uncle (godfather) quickly succumbs to brain cancer in march soon after a doctor discovers a tumor in my bladder, coincidentally my ex and someone from high school (both in their 30's) die of heroin related causes within days of each other (ex's death was very difficult one) my friend has a massive heart attack and miraculously survives i have surgery to remove tumor and get diagnosed with cancer while i am recovering my downstairs neighbor dies of a heroin overdose in the building (21 yr old) an old friend commits suicide by hanging (41 yr old) i go away for some R&R and the train to bring me home after a pleasant 4 day trip- a woman jumps in front of it a half mile from the train station to commit suicide and in september i lost an old artist friend, a mentor of sorts and who was a big support to me over the summer in terms of cancer. he died of cancer. needless to say, i am going through many waves of emotion. when my friend hung himself I barely had anything left in me to feel, I was numb. sort of desensitized. it is hitting me now more so. some I werent' particularly close to but each had a big impact. I am trying to deal with the whole cancer thing which in itself produces its own forms of grief. i am lucky that what i have is low grade but I have to be checked for recurrence every 3 months. so there is a lot of anxiety around that. I am an artist and I have barely made any art this year and feel crazy without it. there is so much inside I need to let out and I try not to be too hard on myself when I just dont feel inspired. I spent the last few days hunkered down at home nesting and watching tv and relaxing cause I feel sad and I know eventually it will lift and I will take photos again and write and draw. just trying to be gentle with myself. thanks for listening.