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olemisfit

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    229
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About olemisfit

  • Rank
    Advanced Member
  • Birthday 02/20/1949

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    League City, Texas
  • Interests
    Okla. Univ. football fanatic (BOOMER SOONER!), enjoying Galveston Island with a good book

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    My Wife
  • Date of Death
    01/01/2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    na
  1. You are so right. You hit the nail on the head! Knowing that one of these days my bride & I will be together again (for eternity this time!) is what keeps me somewhat sane now. It gives me something to hold onto and look forward to. If I didn't have that to hold onto "they" would've had to put me in the proverbial rubber room the day after my wife passed. I'm into my 3rd year without her now, and I still find myself not being able to use the word "die" or "dead". Maybe it's just one last piece of denial. I don't know. But I still have trouble using those words. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  2. I don't post here as much as I used to. I still come here every now and then just to sort of see how everyone is doing. I'm certainly not cured of this grief beast. I probably never will be. Until my turn comes to go be with her, I will have to be okay with continuing to love her in this absentee sort of way. I'm not exactly crazy about it, but I am so grateful that her misery and suffering ended that I guess I am okay with it. I had to let her go be with God on New Year's Day of 2016. I wasn't ready yet in 2016 or 2017 to make any new year's resolutions. But I guess I was ready to this year, and I am staying somewhat busy each day now doing my very best to make some things happen that I know my wife is pleased with seeing me doing. I woke up this morning with "our" song on my mind and I've been sitting here listening to it and singing it to her. We all have that one special cherished song that was "our" song, don't we? I guess I have progressed somewhat down this grief journey. I can now listen to it without getting morbidly sad. Now when I listen to it, it brings back some of the good memories. I was very blessed. I was able to spend 41+ years with her before I had to give her up. So I do have a treasure trove of wonderful memories. I hope and pray that everyone that has to be here is able to get to that point where they can listen to their song and remember the good memories. My song is "And I Love You So" by Perry Como. I'm not enough of a techie to be able to make it part of this post. But that isn't really necessary. Just think of "your" song. That is the one that is important to you. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  3. A Dog's Last Will & Testament

    My deceased wife left several journals for me to find after her passing. This little ditty is in one of them. Maybe someone who has lost their 4-legged companion will enjoy it... The Last Will & Testament Of An Extremely Distinguished Dog "One last word of farewell,Dear Master and Mistress. Whenever you visit my grave, say to yourselves with regret but also with happiness in your hearts at the remembrance of my long and happy life with you: Here lies one who loved us, and whom we loved. No matter how deep my sleep I shall hear you, and not all the power of death can keep my spirit from wagging a grateful tail." author unknown One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  4. Thank you so much for your kind words and my heart goes out to you as well . I know you clearly understand what I am going through. I will try to stay positive as I can . I’m sorry we share this in common. Tony

  5. Best wishes to you Tony, I don't know if these comments from me will be helpful to you. Hopefully they will be. This grieving thing is so much like a journey we are forced to take. Most of the journey is uphill. Just about the time we think we are progressing a little better, something will happen that triggers a memory or a thought and our car loses traction and we slide back down the hill. I didn't find this group until I had been on my journey for almost my entire first year. My wife passed on New Year's Day, 2016, and I googled and found this wonderful place on Christmas Eve of that year. Then I was able to see that I wasn't some kind of freak. It helped me immeasurably to be able to see that what I had been experiencing is normal. I still backslide more than I would like, but that also is part of this journey. Knowing that the experiences of others is in many ways much the same as my own has helped be able to relax with this and just let it happen. Maybe that's the best way to get through this, and maybe one day get to the end of this journey. I will never stop loving and missing my wife. We were together for over 41 wonderful years. The one thing that makes it possible for me to be able to endure all this is the sure and certain fact that my wife and I will one of these days be back together again. For eternity. That gives me solace and peace of mind every day. BTW...you found a good group here. There are a multitude of people here that are all to willing to help their fellow members when they reach out. And the founder---Marty---is truly a God-send. We are all family here. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  6. I wonder sometimes why I keep coming back here when I pretty much say the same thing over and over again. Even if I change the wording here and there, the subject matter stays pretty much the same. Maybe it's because it's just helpful somehow to just come here "say it out loud" every once in a while and get it out of my system. Or to read everyone else's posts, and see that I'm not floundering around out here going crazy. I'm not saying anyone here is crazy. I'm only saying that if I thought that I was the only only one going through all this craziness it would be easy to think that I needed to be in that proverbial rubber room. I had to let my wife go in 2016 on this day. So I guess this day begins year #3 without her. I don't imagine very many of us would be here unless we had been lucky enough to have had that very special relationship with our spouse. My Cookie was my everything. She was my rock and my anchor. The more time we spent with each other, the stronger my crush on her got. Everything I did, thought or was I did either for her or because of her. We both adored each other, and we never got tired of being around each other. We spent a fair number of years doing the kinds of work that had us around each other 24/7. Some people need a break from each other now and then, but we never experienced that. We just enjoyed being around each other. We fed off of each other. When times changed and it became necessary for me to become a truck driver for those 20 or so years, we were both miserable. But bills had to be paid, so I hunkered down and did what had to be done. How we treasured those brief days off each month or so. Then, by the year 2000, we both had to start facing the fact that her health was deteriorating and that it was at some point going to be necessary for me to leave the truckin' world and come home to her. And I did. And by the end of that year it was pretty obvious that she was going to need someone with her 24/7/365. Who better than me. What I knew that I didn't have in the way of background or training as a caregiver I did feel like I could try to make up for just from my compassion and love. And I think it worked out pretty well. Then her final trip to the hospital on Dec. 13, 2015 with pneunomia. She spent the last 17 days of that year in a coma, for all practical purposes, instead of being able to enjoy her favorite holiday season. Then c diff got hold of her the day after Christmas, and really escalated her downward spiral. Her death certificate says she died of sepsis. That was the c diff. Finally on New Year's Day I was told that her only way of continuing to live would be to always be connected to a ventilator, and always in a long-term nursing home. We had talked about that over the years. She would not have agreed to that if she had been able to speak for herself. So I spoke for her. It broke my heart to do it, and it was unimaginably hard to speak the words, but I was able to force myself to. So we turned the ventilator off, and let her go be with God. 2014 and 2015 were both miserable years for her. I am so very thankful that her pain and misery of every other kind is over. But how I still miss and wish I still had her physical presence here with me. But I have to be satisfied with her being here in my mind and my heart. She will always be there. Until my time comes to go be with her, for eternity. Knowing that I have that to look forward to is what sustains me. Having to be alone is still hard, after spending two thirds of my life with Cookie. Will I ever get over being without her? Probably not. We were a big part of each other's lives for over 41 years. In some ways I think 2017 was harder on me that the first year was. Maybe because the fog had cleared and I was just more aware of everything. Hopefully this new year will be a better year. I want it to be. I hope it's a better year for all of us here. HAPPY NEW YEAR to my family here. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  7. I don't know who or when that poem was written, but it sure is sweet and it sure was sweet of her to include it in her journal. I gotta tell ya that this tough, macho retired truck driver ended up with a big ole lump in my throat when it read it. Have a good'un Kay. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  8. Here's hoping that everyone is able to find some peace of mind and maybe even some happiness today. This time of year is fiercely hard on me, after having to give up my bride of 41+ years at this time of year. We used to enjoy our Christmases together. Even when I was away from home so much as a long haul trucker there were 2 times of the year I made sure I was home for EVERY year...our anniversary in March and Christmas. Dispatchers didn't always make it easy. I had to throw some good, old fashioned tantrums more than once, Now Christmas and New Year's Day are just 2 more days on the calendar to muddle through. My wife left the following poem for me to see after she passed, in a journal that I didn't even know that she had been keeping until after she was gone. DO NOT STAND AT MY GRAVE AND WEEP I am not there, I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow; I am the diamond that glints on the snow, I am the sunlight on ripened grain; I am the gentle autumn's rain. When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight, I am the soft star that shines at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die. When someone you love becomes a memory, that memory becomes a treasure. Thank you for all the wonderful memories to sustain me now, my sweet delightful wife. Peace and happiness my friends. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  9. Lainey and So Alone, do I ever know from whence you cometh. It's rreally obscene that we have been reduced to hating the holiday season that we used to enjoy with our spouses so much more than any other holiday. My wife used to love the Christmas season. We would work for hours just getting every piece of the decorating puzzle in place just perfect enough top pass her inspection. And she wouldn't just wrap a gift package. They became works of art. And it always made her so happy to do it all. She would work me to death sometimes doing the "heavy lifting" parts of it all, but I never minded. Seeing here smiling and happy was all the payment I ever needed. Then came the Christmas season of 2015. She spent Christmas of that year in the hospital slowly dying (how I have learned to hate that word!). My happy world for 41+ years came to an end on New Year's Day of last year when I had to let her go be with God. She had struggled and suffered far too long, so I gave the dreaded instructions to turn the ventilator off and let her go. My sympathies to anyone who ever has to make that decision. It ain't easy. So for me now, Christmas Day and New Year's Day of nothing more than 2 days on a calendar to get through. I do my best to wear a happy face so I don't ruin the holidays for others, but these days sure aren't holidays for me anymore. My condolences, Dear Friends. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  10. Lainey, I feel your pain. I know I didn't just invent that phrase. It came from a movie I watched in the past somewhere along the way. But as my wonderful Grandmother used to say, phrases wouldn't become cliches if there wasn't some truth to them. I suppose we all here can and do feel the pain of others because there are so many similarities in most of our stories. I wasn't here yet during your first tenure here. I'm so sorry that it is necessary for you to return. My wife of 41+ years passed on New Year's Day of last year. Like you, I'm still waiting to have that "good cry". I wonder sometimes if I wouldn't be further along in this grief journey by now if I had been able to release some of that pent-up emotion. But this shouldn't be about me. This is about you, and your struggles. I know you know of everything I'm saying since this isn't your first time here. But you know we all understand your trials and tribulations. You have our love, understanding, and sympathy. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  11. Sometimes I feel like I have been able to defeat this grieving beast. I want to. And some days I feel like I do see a significant improvement in the way I handle things. But...then I face the reality of it all and realize that I'm still the same basket case that I was by this time of day on January 1st, 2016. I have one huge monster riding around on my back. And In the almost 2 years that have gone by since my sweet, beautiful Cookie passed, every once in a while I still feel the weight of that monster on my shoulders. You see, I was raised to believe that it is not right to intentionally end the life of another human being. In the belief system I grew up in, it was just that clear, and just that cut and dried. But that is exactly what I did in the case of my wife. I intentionally terminated my wife's life. I know what all the justification sorts of reasons are. I have thought them all. My wife and I had had the conversation more than once over the years. That conversation where you promise to do for your mate what he/she is not able to speak up and do for him/her self. I wanted to keep my wife around with me. Oh God, but how I wish she was still here with me. But I also know that if I had kept her around, it would have been for all the wrong reasons. That wonderful, beautiful, red headed, passionate, strong willed, bull headed woman was my rock. My anchor. My reason for being willing to swing my legs off the bed each morning and go through another day with a smile on my face. I could smile every day because God made me the luckiest man that ever occupied space on this crazy planet. Our paths crossed on a day in October, 1974 when I went to apply for a job at a motel in Oklahoma City. I met that special woman I had been hoping would come along one day. She came along that day, and we were still together 41+ years later when I had to end her suffering and misery. We were made for each other, and meant for each other. And I miss her every day so very much. I miss her physical presence. Oh yeah, she is and always will be in my thoughts. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about all the special things she was or did that made my time with her so wonderfully special. One thing that I will eternally be so very grateful about is the knack she had of always making me feel like I mattered. Nobody else in my life had ever even tried to make me feel that way. But my Cookie did it every day so effortlessly. I know she loved me. I never doubted that. And I can honestly say that I never took her love for granted. I loved to make sure she always knew how easy it was for me to love her. And then the day came for me to speak for her when she wasn't able to speak the words herself. I knew I was setting myself up for the remainder of my live being lonely and miserable. And so far that is exactly what it has been. I intentionally and voluntarily ended her life when my own life wasn't endangered or threatened. I did it to put an end to her misery and suffering. I did it because I had made a promise to her to do it if the need should ever present itself. When that need presented itself, I ended her life because it was the only right thing to do under the circumstances. And her physical presence is what I miss so very much. Being able to enjoy a TV show while holding her hand. Or ditto while reading a book. Or look over at her and tell her I love her. And hearing her say it. Or wrapping my arms around her, and giving her a big ole hug and kiss just because I felt like doing it. Spontaneously. Those little things were always the things I treasured the most, and thus they are the ones I now miss the most. Just being able to be ourselves around each other. Now all I can do is to live in the past and re-live all those things mentally---with the memories. This coming New Year's Day will be the 2nd anniversary of her passing. I wish I could just stay in bed and sleep through that entire day. But I know I won't. I'll get up that morning and bounce off the walls the same way I have for the past 102 weeks. And then at the end of that day, I'll crawl between the sheets of this bed the same way I have every evening for the past 102 weeks---ALONE. And then I'll get up the next morning and spend the entire day doing the same thing I have done every day of the past 102 weeks, which is to put... One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  12. I dread the hoildays

    Glad Tidings, Everyone...In a weird sort of way it seems to be helpful to know that there are others "out there" going thru the same kinds of things and feeling pretty much the way I do. I don't think it's a case of misery loving company so much as just the knowledge that I don't need to check myself into the Cuckoo's Nest. I'm not sure I have the right temperament for Nurse Ratchett! When I first joined this group some of my ramblings talked about how listless and lost I was. In a number of ways that is where I'm still at. My wife & I used to do even the little, inconsequental things together. We both loved to read. We would grab our books, take them to bed, and lay in the bed reading and holding hands. That made it sorta hard to turn the pages, but otherwise it was wonderful. And ditto with just watching our TV shows together. And the list could go on and on. I still have a hard time getting interested in TV shows now. I'll start a show and turn it off after being bored with it even before the first commercial break. And I have a hard time getting interested in books also. I used to think that head banging was a certain kind of rock music. Maybe it is, but isn't it also what grievers do while they pace listlessly around their empty house. My wife passed on New Year's Day last year after spending the previous 16 days in "her" hospital's critical care unit. I feel absolutely no joy at this holiday time of year. These are just days on the calendar now. One foot in front of the other, dragging this dern chain... Ebeneezer Scrooge
  13. SEPSIS

    . Inside Love, my sympathies to you and Autumn2 both. My wife also was a victim to that insidious thing. C diff. As if she wasn't already in the hospital suffering from enough without that evil monster called c diff grabbing hold of her. She went into the hosp with pneumonia on 12/13/2015. On the 15th she was moved to the hosp's critical care unit, and immediately put on a ventilator. The hosp's policy was to strongly sedate patients such as my wife so they don't struggle and try to pull the tubes out. I ended her struggles on 1/1/2016 without her ever breathing on her own after going into the hosp. On Dec. 26th c diff found her. When I got there for the 10am one hour visit on the 26th her day shift nurse was just beginning to clean my wife up. She had developed a case of diarrhea and was laying in her mess. Please forgive this graphic explanation. The nurse told me that my wife had been laying in that filth long enough that it had begun to dry and cake on her body. Where was the night shift nurse while my wife was messing on herself? I never was able to get an answer to that one?! They could probably smell that delightful aroma 25 miles away on Galveston IslandBecause she died in a hospital an autopsy wasn't required by the state of Texas. I will always regret not being able to have an autopsy done, but I didn't have the $10,000 or more that it would have cost. Sepsis was the cause of death on her death certificate. The closest I got to THE question was "we clean our hospital, but we can't control what our patients bring in with them". One foot in front of the other... Darrel
  14. I dread the hoildays

    Alina, I so totally understand what you're experiencing with your dreading the holidays feelings. Our grief journeys began so closely together. My wife began her journey to go be with God on Dec. 13th of 2015. She went into the hospital for the last time on that day with pneumonia, was put into their critical care unit and onto a ventilator on the 15th, and never came off of it. Finally on New Year's Day of 2016 I had to make the gut-wrenching decision to allow her to go be with God. So for me as well, these holidays now are just days on the calendar. And my wife so loved and always looked forward to this time of year. So now I wake up each morning and wish her Merry Christmas, put one foot in front of the other, and plod along through the day. But the joy and pleasure is gone. I do understand your feelings now. What can we do except get up each day, continue the journey, and allow time to heal the wounds. I pray for all of us that our journeys will continue to get easier with time. One foot in front of the other... Darrel
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