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Herc

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  1. So I did the interview last night. Erin was very compassionate. I didn't cry, but felt very odd. I had moments where I thought or felt that I wasn't communicating clearly. While none of the subjects we talked about made me "uncomfortable" I couldn't seem to express what I was truly feeling, and stumbled over a lot of my answers. I alternated between very short answers, and rambling explanations that didn't really have much substance to them. Overall it was a good experience, and I requested a copy of the transcript, which will be interesting to read when my head is a bit clearer to see if I really did struggle as much as I felt with my answers. There were some very deep emotional issues brought up, and in many ways it put me in the same mindset of the shock of the first few weeks. Moments from that time were revisited, but more than that the way I was perceiving my reactions reminded me of that kind of "out of body" feeling I had in the early days. I hope Erin got something of value out of it. She was nice, and seemed to care deeply about the subject. Thanks for passing along the opportunity Marty, Herc
  2. Herc

    Thanks for being such an incredible person KayC.

  3. KayC, I wish I could offer more than just prayers and positive thoughts. I am sure you will be fine, and know that your indomitable spirit will see you through. Though I know you are strong enough to get past this with flying colors, I'm still going to ask whatever powers may be to give you whatever help they can. Wishing you peace and tranquility, Herc
  4. I am no where close to dating again. It is far too early in my journey to even really consider it. Even though I am not three full months into my journey, people have asked and suggested though, so I have had to think about it. If I did date again, I would have to be able to do two things I am currently incapable of doing. I would have to be able to consistently consider another persons feelings, emotions, and situation beyond and in some cases before my own. I would also have to accept another persons care and support in a way that did not involve my wife. My current emotional state is beyond chaotic. I can't even put my own emotional well being before the thoughts of what I should or should not be feeling about my wife and my loss. Though I know it isn't true, I often feel as though I deserve to be miserable and hopeless. If that is my own self image, what chance do I have of offering another person a positive view of their own self worth? If I did develop feelings for another person, would I want to put them not only in the position of having to help me through my emotional instability, but also having me be unable to be there for them if they experience moments where they need emotional support? If we did manage to make it past those emotional hurdles, would I honestly be able to separate that persons emotional contributions to my life from those of Christine? I see and seek signs everywhere of her continued involvement in my life. Would I be able to differentiate what Christine has and in many ways continues to do to improve my life from a new persons contributions? Would it be fair to take another persons compassion and care but be unable to acknowledge it as such? To put another person in the position of having to deal with my emotional trauma, yet be incapable of acknowledging their contribution is the opposite of what I know a loving relationship to be. A true relationship is two people supporting and benefiting from the mutual support, and I currently would be of little or no value in that respect. I still have a long journey with time to heal and change. I may at some point be able to offer something to another, and accept what they offer to me. That is still a long way off, and anyone who tries to rush me in to that just to fill a void, doesn't truly understand what love is to me. They also don't understand the void they perceive, which can only be filled by me better understanding how full that hole is with the love that I am slowly rediscovering after my loss. I can see why many people have issue with the subject. Having known true love, I am somewhat insulted by the idea that it can be "replaced" by dinner and a movie. Other people want to see us happy, and assume that involves doing what we have done before. In their eyes, we had a relationship, so we obviously need another. Happiness won't come from replacing the loss, not that we could if we tried. Happiness may come for me from accepting that I haven't really lost anything, simply that what I had has changed form. When and if I get to that point of acceptance, I may look for something else. Until then I am very happy knowing that I know love more deeply than many of those who suggest that is what I need to "fix" my situation.
  5. I just signed up for the research study. I think the interview will be for 7:30 tomorrow evening, but will hear back shortly.
  6. It sounds like you had a magical trip to the outer banks. Christine and I went there every year. She wasn't supposed to go out in the ocean because the force of the water could cause damage to her transplanted kidney, but she was a swimmer and lifeguard in her youth, so she couldn't stay away either. In order to get her out in the waves, we had to hug closely, letting my body take the beating from the surf to protect hers. She missed a few years in the ocean due to surgeries, and finding dialysis clinics was a challenge. One year we had to go to the mainland, a 2.5 hour trip each way. I'll be going again in July, the week we always went. It's going to be difficult, but there will be family and good friends as always, and we will all help one another through it. Hoping you are finding the peace and comfort she always had lying on the beach, Herc
  7. To expound on my early thoughts, I would like to say I don't know anything about what happens next. My belief is that there is something more. The laws of conservation of matter and energy indicate that the energy that comprises our soul, spirit, life force, whatever you choose to call it continues in some way. I tend to believe in some sort of divine being, because even with the nearly limitless universe the delicate intricacies required for life, let alone intelligent life seem to indicate to me that something had to lay out a plan to at least set all this into motion. And these beliefs are not proof. There is no proof, or solid rebuttal of something more. So I find myself trapped in a place of not knowing. As a result I choose to believe, but must also acknowledge that this could be it, this could be all we have. And if this is all I have, it is still beautiful. My grief is unrelenting, yet it is merely a by product of the love I once had which was, and indeed still is, more enduring. The anguish is unbearable, but is only present because the joy was and still is more overwhelming than any other emotion. The loss is profound and terrible, but compared to what I once had and am still a part of it is inconsequential. If there is nothing more, then I am at the bitter end, and I am still glad for having made the journey. If this is it, then at least I tasted of perfection, and basked in it until my heart was brimming over with what many only dream of. And while I may never experience that bliss again, it still goes on around me every day. Sometimes that is a bitter pill to swallow, that I now watch from the outside a show that once was about my love. Seeing the others who are in the midst of it often heightens my awareness of what I have lost. And yet, to simply know that it is out there is marvelous. While it may be gone to me now, I know that there are others reveling in the joy of it. That those emotions still flow and bring forth the resulting miracles that I have witnessed first hand is proof that what I now endure is worth while. That I may never feel that love again is devastating, but still the love remains. As with all things there is a cycle. Every ending is also a new beginning. What beginning this has wrought, or may bring forth in the future is beyond me, but it is there. Perhaps my life and love will inspire my daughters to find their own. Perhaps some small act of kindness Christine and I performed helped someone who will do great things. Perhaps someone will read the words we type to one another and find a measure of peace in them to get through one more day. And perhaps it was all for nothing, and even that is fine because it created a beautiful union that I am always proud to have been a part of. Faced with the possibility that this is it, I can look the universe in the eye and say that I am happy to have been a part of it. I have done what I had to, helped what I needed to, and enjoyed what I could. And nothing can ever take that, or the love in my heart from me, not even death. While I fully believe that there will be something more, if there isn't I am ok with that as well. Hoping everyone finds peace and love within their own hearts, Herc
  8. I am no longer afraid of death, but then I had embraced my mortality far before I ever met my wife. This has certainly made the prospect sweeter though, the chance of being reunited in some way. Even if my beliefs are wrong, and it turns out there is nothing after, I will be ok with that. At least the struggle would be over and I will have done as well as possible with my time here. I also am not suicidal, and further while I am not afraid of death, I am not rushing into it. I have a long life in front of me, in the area of 35 years based off my projected lifespan per retirement calculators. If I were to fall ill, I would pursue medical treatment, for my daughters and mothers sake if nothing else. At the same point in time, if I were to go in a traffic incident on the way home tonight, I would be more than ok with that. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, the most likely scenario is that I will be around for a long time. That is ok too, I don't think time will work the same on the other side. I have a feeling that what seems like a long wait for me will only be moments for Christine. Regardless, the after will take care of itself, it is the now that I need to focus on.
  9. I already expressed myself elsewhere Kay, but again, I am so sorry for you and your daughter. I wish there were more I could do, but a hug is all I can offer. (((Hug))) Herc
  10. I didn't realize how close we were George, we got a few flurries today up in DC, and have our first call for accumulation over 1" coming on Tuesday. I think KayC finally managed to send us some so she doesn't have to keep shoveling. I hope you enjoy the retreat. It sounds like you could use it after a hectic work week. I hope next week is just full and not overly full. Many thanks to all for helping relieve the isolation a little on this wonderful site, Herc
  11. George, Thanks so much for the suggestion on alternative treatments. I think I am going to try making homemade cat food. Some people have had positive results from molasses and baking soda, and something called Essiac Tea. Essiac has pretty well been debunked, so I am not sure about that, but I will give the molasses and baking soda a try. Other ingredients in the home made cat food include broccli, pumpkin, liver, fish oil, shitake mushrooms, and a multi vitamin to ensure proper nutritional values. I am a pretty good cook, but catering to a cats pallet isn't something I have tried before. I'll see if I cant come up with something she doesn't completely spurn. I have to balance it with a diet that is good for kidney function as well since some of the blood work came back and she is having some issues with the numbers on that front. I might end up going to a holistic vet to get some advice on all of it. Even if it doesn't do anything, at least I will know I am trying something which is important to me as turning down some of the standard treatment options left me feeling like I wasn't trying to help Pokey. Thanks again, Herc
  12. KayC, Thanks for understanding, sometimes that is all we really need. I worked at an animal shelter for about 5 years. It wasn't a "no-kill" shelter, we put down about 20 animals a week. I cross trained for every position in the shelter, I was primarily a dispatcher, but did office work, kennel duties, field services, everything except vet tech, which you need documented medical training for. I was the vet techs go to for an assistant when putting down animals though, because I was reliable, strong enough to control even some of the large and more aggressive dogs, and always treated the situation with the compassion the animals deserved. I saw a lot of vet techs leave because they had so many issues with putting the animals down. It was a rough job that requires a very special person. You get attached, bringing the animals in, caring for their every need for weeks, and then suddenly having to lose them because you have to make space for other animals who deserve a chance to be adopted as well. I would still be doing it today if it paid better, playing with animals for a living was wonderful, even if there were the oh too frequent moments of heartbreak. I often wonder if those experiences, at least in a small way helped prepare me for this one. I've also had many pets that I have had to put down myself. A wonderful black-lab/australian shepherd mix named Magic, that I may have waited a bit too long on, hip dysplasia and a second floor apartment don't combine well. I carried him up and down the stairs three times a day for walks for about six months. He had a wonderful last day though, with very little pain and two steaks, one cooked and one raw. He ate them both, because he was a hog. He was actually the one who brought Christine and I together. A cat named Guava that has more stories than most people I know. We managed to stretch his life by about a year and a half with surgery for a kidney problem he had, but I had to put him down about two years back when the kidney problems spiraled out of control. My point is this is a situation I have a lot of experience with, so I know I'll make the right call when the times comes. Hopefully it is still a good ways off, Pokey isn't showing any signs of discomfort or pain at this point, so we might have quite some time before I have to make the call. I'll get there, the news just hit me at an already low point, I had a rough morning leading up to it. I am sure when the time comes, Pokey will head off to Christine and tell her what good care I took of her. Thanks for the understanding, compassion, and letting me ramble, Herc
  13. George, Thank you for the kind words and prayers. Other treatment options is a good idea. I am normally pretty solid in following standard medical treatment, but as this is one of those cases where following the standard treatment may not be for the best, looking for alternatives is something. Time to go do a little research. I hadn't even had time to think of that yet, so thanks again, Herc
  14. So I took the morning off work to take our (Christine's) cat, Pokey, to the vet. This is the cat I have to medicate twice daily. We were going for a recheck on some blood work. She has a thyroid problem, which is what the medication is for, and her values had spiked pretty seriously after Christine's passing. This cat truly was Christine's. I love her too of course, but she wouldn't sleep on my side of the bed if I had slept on it until Christine washed the sheets. It's hard to explain, but this was most definitely Christine's cat and there are no two ways about it. So I had attributed the spike in thyroid levels to separation anxiety. But upon visiting, the vet did a check on the thyroid gland and it has swollen noticeably. From roughly 0.5 cm to 1.5 cm. The most likely cause of this is that the benign carcinoma that was next to the thyroid and caused the original problems has become malignant. We still need the blood work to come back, which should be some time in the next few days, but the outlook right now is not good. The vet is talking about the possibility of chemotherapy, radioactive isotopes, and potential surgery. Pokey is about 16 years old, and while I would do anything to hold on to her, I am looking at her quality of life. I am not sure how cats react to chemotherapy, but I have seen it in humans and it isn't nice. Putting her through that to add a year or two of adequate to poor health is not appealing. I've spoken to the vet, and she agrees. We will get the results back and look at potential treatment options of course, and things could change. But right now I don't see a lot of options. If things go badly, losing another part of Christine will be devastating. Right now Pokey is doing well, but I also couldn't bear to see her suffer. Just hitting a low point today, Herc
  15. I am the same person, but that person has been irrevocably altered by this experience. It is a very painful experience, but the pain is not what has altered me. The love is what created the change. At the moment my emotions can overwhelm me, and the frequency which I am confronted with those emotions is daily, hourly in some cases. As I go through this journey, I will (hopefully) learn how to prevent those emotions from becoming overwhelming. They will still be there, but I will have more experience dealing with them. The frequency with which I feel those deep emotions will also lessen with time. The way that I have completely changed though isn't dependent upon them, my reactions to them, or the depth or frequency of those emotions. The change came gradually through building a life with Christine. Sharing who I was, and allowing her to share with me. Her passing clarified that change, and gave me the opportunity to accept and understand it. I am not the same person I was. I am a little wiser, and a lot sadder. The sadness may, and probably will fade with time, but will always be a part of me. And for that I am grateful, it will temper me and make me a better person. I wish I could have shared that man with Christine. But in a way I did, for she helped forge him, and I hope I can share his experiences with her when I take the next great adventure many years from now.
  16. Actually it is just on the north side of DC, very mild winter here this year. Normally we have about a half dozen 1" to 6" falls, which are enough to paralyze the area for a day or two, and then one or two 6" to 24" falls that will take us out for a week. I was born in Colorado, and have lived in Michigan, Wyoming, and Maine, so the way these people react to the heavy frosts they call snow always makes me chuckle. I work in construction, so snow fall equals a day or more off work for me. Could have used a few of those this winter, but I guess it isn't meant to be. Maybe your rain will melt some of the snow. I hope it doesn't turn into a giant slushy ice pit for you. I've found those can be some of the most dangerous conditions. Good luck with it, Herc
  17. So I woke up in the middle of the night last night. Not unusual at all. It happens so often I have started to break them down into two groups, the ones where I can get back to sleep quickly without reality crashing in, and the ones where I actually start thinking about things. The thinking ones have always been pretty rough. Lots of crying, and usually laying there until the alarm goes off. Last night was unique, a thinking one that was comforting. As I was laying there, I started thinking about how we would hold one another. I would frequently wake up in the middle of the night before, and she would start stirring as well. A hand on her shoulder, or an arm over her to comfort her and she would go back to sleep. I remembered how on cold nights she would burrow into my chest for warmth. She was always cold, and I was always warm. I remembered how our legs would intertwine as we got really comfortable and drifted off back to sleep. I remember draping myself over her like a blanket, and her saying how well we fit together. At first last night, it brought a sense of loss, my throat started to tighten, and a few tears started. But as I got thinking about the specifics, the individual moments, it changed. The longing became a sense of peace, and comfort. Happiness in what I had, even if it is now gone. Pride in knowing I gave her the same peace and comfort while she was here, and through difficult moments in her life. Knowing that I had supported her, and helped her. I was able to smile remembering those moments, and drifted back off to sleep very soon. I'm still running through what it means, and how to apply it to other situations if that is even possible, but that is for reflections and musings. For me, it was a huge positive, and a huge step forward from where I had been stuck. Hoping you all have a restful day, Herc
  18. George, I know completely how you feel. I am still very new in the experience, but I felt myself getting in trouble with expectations, and allowing them to influence and be influenced by my grief. My grief is incredibly powerful, the single driving force in my life right now. When I let outside factors tie in to that grief, either by triggering it, or by my overreacting to simple situations because emotionally I am dealing with other things, it gives them far too much power over me. I work daily on trying to separate and differentiate my grief from the other feelings in my life. As with everything, sometimes I am successful, sometimes not so much. But I think simply being aware of it, and analyzing whether the emotions I am feeling come from my grief or are valid in and of their own right is a step in the right direction. I'm sorry your sisters surgery was postponed, and that your dad is having issues. It's positive that you were able to talk him through this episode though, so at least there is that. Thanks for helping me sort out some of my own thoughts on expectations, Herc
  19. Kay, Good luck with the snow, and congratulations to you and the proud mother and father! Normally I would wish you joy in this new child, but with all that snow, I am going to extended it to physical strength as well. Remember to stretch, and take small shovel loads. Not that you need any advice on how to shovel from a guy who lives where we have had less that 3" total this year. Wishing you a cease to the flurry of white, and well rested muscles tomorrow, Herc
  20. Mitch, I am sure Tammy is proud of your accomplishments here, and in the rest of your life. My thoughts are with you and Tammy, Herc
  21. Gwen, I hope you manage to get some rest. Stress is so relentless, I hope you find a way to relax a bit as well. I wish I were there just to give you a hug, but I guess a virtual one will have to do. With all the peace and tranquility I can mentally send your way, ((((hug))) Herc
  22. I thought about not posting here today. I don't want to make it an obligation, desperately searching out positives that I don't really feel, but it was a good day yesterday, and I decided I should share it. There weren't any spectacular moments, but the day overall went wonderfully. After feeling a little lost in the morning, and taking a walk, I went back to my condo, and got a call from my mother. We made plans for a visit either next weekend, or the weekend after, which will be wonderful and healing. She has been a huge source of support, and it has really grown our relationship dramatically talking about some of the issues in our lives. We were always close, but our loss has brought us a new sort of bond that strengthens us even more. Later, my stepdaughter cleaned her condo, which shows continued motivation in the day to day. She also brought home a friend who is a cook, she wanted to show off how she learned to cook steaks, and made a wonderful meal for all of us. I realized that I read about Harry's quilt right after coming up with my idea for a present, and so acknowledge the coincidental reinforcement of things, which feels positive as well. There were a number of others, one of the cats laying on my arm while I read and posted more. Friends who had issues, but managed to see their way through them with a little help. The rich smell of our newly mulched courtyard and the planting of flowers for the upcoming spring, a spectacular sunset, and the laughter of children closed out my day. Wishing you all the chance to find beauty where you can, Herc
  23. DaveM, I am so sorry for all you are going through. A renewed love, removed just as you were about to be able to rekindle it, the what-ifs must be driving you mad. Further the loss of a relationship you had for 28 years. I know it is a messy divorce, but that is a massive change in your lifestyle and daily routine on top of your loss. Losing your house in addition must be traumatic as well. I know the comfort of work. Even when I am just going through the motions at my job, at least I know what I am doing. It gives a sense of security and order in the midst of the chaos our lives have become. I don't exactly long for Monday's, but I know the pleasure of sitting at my desk and for the first time in several days actually knowing what to do is steadying. Blame who you need to at the time. There will be plenty of time to rationalize and reflect through the course of this process. For right now, do what gets you through the days. I am so sorry for your loss, and the pain I know you are going through. I hope you find some way to deal with the downtime that brings you peace and comfort, and will be here to listen until you do, Herc
  24. Mitch, I would try and read all 1,000 posts, but if I did, I wouldn't be able to tell you now what an incredible person you are. I don't have the same amount of experience with this that you do. I can't relate to two years of this life yet, so I am sorry in advance if anything I say is incorrect, insensitive, or ignorant. What I can do is look at your first post, and see the growth between then and now. "I know I'm very early on in my grief and the tears, the what-if's, the emptiness etc. are all to be expected." The emptiness is still there, I think it always will be, for all of us. But the what-if's are gone I think. The horrible guilt of the first days has been replaced by the knowledge that while you were together, everything was the way it should be. I have very recently moved past my guilt, I hope, and I know it was a relief to me. "I am alone in my grief at home". I can see clearly that you have built relationships here that have helped you, and others. If you haven't built the same relationships in your life outside this site already, at least you have the tools and ability to do so. "I haven't been able to go back to work yet. I work in a retail environment where I'm expected to "put on a happy" face for the public but I just don't think I'm up to it." You have gone back to work. You were up for it. You have done what you needed to, and if there is no joy in it, at least you know now that you can, you are capable. "I don't think I'm ready to deal with the constant "what happened?" questions." Oh how I hated those questions in the first few days. People staring at me like I had answers, when all I had were more questions. People have stopped asking me now, but now I have an answer. What happened is that in the briefest of moments my life changed forever. You have your answer now as well, but the people who asked that question still can't understand. If they have to ask, they just don't know. "The few times I've gone out in public, have not gone well." You have been out in public. You can deal with banks and grocery stores and car rides. None of us should have to do those things alone, we should have our loves with us, but you are proof that we can. Without constant anxiety and panic. "Bottom line, I'm not myself. I know it's to be expected. It's only been a short time. I know I will never be the same; I know my life is different but... how do I ever overcome this feeling of not being myself and the world being an uncaring, scary place?" You are yourself, and yet you will never be the same. Your life is different, and the world is an uncaring place at times. And yet you are no longer scared. As I said at the beginning of this post, you are an incredible person. One who has overcome an unthinkably horrible situation and adapted and grown throughout. You deserve to cherish what you had with your wonderful Tammy. Your love IS one for the ages. And while happiness and purpose have eluded you so far, you will continue to grow, and may find your way to it eventually. I haven't had the chance to speak with you before, so let me tell you how sorry I am for your loss, and also that I am slightly in awe of your strength, resolve, and enduring love. Wishing you continued growth, Herc
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