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Maynard

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About Maynard

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Alexander, AR

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    wife
  • Date of Death
    03/01/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Baptist Hospice, Little Rock, AR

Recent Profile Visitors

268 profile views
  1. I know what you mean. I never could have imagined there would be physical pain either. I guess that's what happens when part of our souls is ripped from us. Others can never understand it. Like you say, the pain when you lose other people you love is nothing like losing your husband (or wife, either I suppose). And there aren't any words that will help stop the pain. At least not for me. It's good to have this group to come to and be able to express it with others who know from personal experience what it is. It's good to know we aren't completely alone, although the stark loneliness that no amount of human contact can stop - is often what gets me started crying from 'the deep' that way. I was never a crier either - or certainly not a sobber. Losing Cody has surpassed anything and everything that I ever knew about myself or life in general. My latest phase is just numb. Maybe God has given me a reprieve to rest awhile. I'm sure it will pass. From what I hear, the tears will come back, so I'm trying to just flow with it for now. Nightwinds, I'm so sorry you are having so many difficulties to face right now. I've had some lately myself and I know how terribly hard it is to have things happen you have to make decisions and choices about when you are in no condition to do either. They say not to make any major changes or decisions for awhile, but when things happen, especially with your home - you have to do something and it's almost impossible to know what to do and very painful to think of just about any action you could take. There are some pretty big problems with our home too, but I'm not leaving - at least not yet - I can't bear the thought of it. You are in my Prayers.
  2. Thank you so much, Carol Ann. You mentioned some interesting tools. I'm working through the reading Marty put in her post and learning ideas - trying some that work and some that don't, at least yet - and some still to try or find out about. I will find and read the book you mentioned, "Life after Loss bye Bob Deits". Others here have mentioned that book too. It's a rather interesting journey. When my Cody was dying, a chaplain once asked him if he was depressed or had suicidal thoughts. His reply was "hell no, this is all so interesting I want to ride it out all the way to the end, just to see what happens". And...that he did. It broke my heart, but what a positive way to look at walking the path into death. He had to pull away from me - not in an unloving way - but his spirit had to prepare to move on to the other side alone - without me. Now I have to learn to live on this side alone without him - except that I didn't have time to prepare while he was still here. And I try to have the same attitude as him - To see it as interesting. Except I'm not past the hurting enough yet, I think. But I do value everything about his ways of seeing things in life and in death and want to fulfill as much as possible of 'what rubbed off on me' in honor to him during the rest of my life. Does that make sense? I think our loves that have left, don't have these sad, helpless feelings to deal with like we do. They are totally free, completely fulfilled and saturated in love. I know they remember us, even come to watch over us - but they know the truth now. That's something we can't know in our human forms. So they don't worry, cry, miss us - because they know they're still with us in the most important way - through our hearts, souls and spirits. I know that from life after death experiences people I know have shared, and I'm glad they don't feel the way we who are left behind do.
  3. I'm having some heavy financial decisions to make right now too. I ran my thoughts by a guy I work with. He's always seemed to make good sound decisions for his family - that I know of. It was good to discuss the different angles and he brought up some questions that I hadn't thought about. I don't feel as shaken and scared now. Still have some more thinking to do, but it was very helpful to use a 'stand in' for talking out financial dilemmas. Guess I'm going to be getting used to that now.
  4. Darrel, I hear and feel the pain in your words. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much right now. Sometimes, it seems to be just more than we can possibly endure. But somehow we must because it's our life now, and like you say "It SUCKS!!" I'm hoping you can have 'that good cry'. Tears do help wash this wound we're given. And I wish you Peace in knowing that Cookie is still always with you. I've only been in this thing a couple of months, but I know that Love never dies. When I listen with my heart, I find Cody's love is still right here for me. I talk to him often, and know in my heart what he is 'saying' to me - just like I did when he was still here physically. Sometimes he didn't always have the right words, but I knew what he meant. And sometimes I didn't say it right, but he knew what I meant. We heard each other with our hearts, and we still have that. Sometimes it makes me cry - but I can let go and cry all I want, because he's here understanding. It always brings me peace even if only for a short time - it's something.
  5. Thank you Marty and George - I'll start reading. I've always seen every life experience as a reason to grow and learn. As painful as it is, I'd like to see if this grief work can be a growth experience as well as healing and learning how to cope in my new world.
  6. What tools have your learned? I'm still trying to plug along with this new reality.... You named a few in your post that I think are great to try when needed, but where are you learning tools to deal with all the different feelings, attitudes and upheavals? I've been trying to get in a GriefShares support group training, but none are being given right now in my area - will be in several months. I have a therapist, and see him 1x a month but we're focusing on finding the one thing in each session he can point me in the right direction on. There's not enough time in an hour to get into complete grief work guidance. He focuses on whatever is forefront in my mind/emotions at that time, then I work on that one thing for awhile. I'm feeling good positive support and understanding here, and it's a great relief to be able to just vent or talk about things. Picking up some tools here and there that others share, like what you did in this post - but where do I find out about these tools? I need to build a tool box!
  7. Anniversary

    I do that same thing Autumn2. It's nice to know someone else does it. I thought it was a nutty thing to do - so since you shared that you do it too, I don't feel so lonely for the moment. Everything I feel changes back and forth so fast - it's like being on a roller coaster!
  8. I think he asked you to always keep it for a reason. He wanted you to always have hope. I'm sure he still wants the same. That's sort of like a 'word' from him coming from the other side now - his wishes for you. I know thinking that hurts like the dickens, but maybe - just maybe there is hope to come for us one day. I'm pretty sure it would make Cody's soul very happy to see me having hope. I think, for now I'll say I have hope that I will have something to hope for one day. :-)
  9. Anniversary

    Oh, Nightwinds my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. You are a lovely couple in the picture, and so happy. Where there is great love and was great happiness - there is great pain in grieving. You are getting back at 'life' much sooner than I did. Some of the things you're getting at and doing - going to the grocery store and going through and giving away his things - are things I still haven't been able to do. I lost my Cody right at 2 months ago tomorrow, and there are rooms in the house that I haven't touched yet. I'm finding that I need a lot of rest - grieving is exhausting. So when I feel rested, have the time and want to I go through a small portion - I do, otherwise I don't do that type of thing. The grocery store has been hard for me. Every isle I see something in that he loved and was happy when I brought it home - every isle makes me cry. I've been there 2x since he died - I'm buying a few things at the dollar store and mostly eating out. I even tried going to a different grocery store, but that didn't help - I'll get it worked out - but I'm not there yet. Just a couple of weeks ago I cleared his things off the bathroom sink and threw away the shaving stuff and hair brush/comb. I couldn't bare it before, but when I was ready and did it - I was OK with it. His desk in the dining room - although I've gone through the drawers - everything on the top is exactly where he left it still today. A few days after he passed, I came home from being at a friends house, because I wasn't able to be in the house alone for awhile, and found everything still right where it was when we left for the hospital. He had been in hospice at home for only 1 day before being transferred to hospice in the hospital to die. I had been home before that, but wasn't able to change anything - even the wrappers and empty medicine boxes on the bedside table next to the hospital bed had to stay right where they were - I couldn't bare to move them. This time, I felt good about throwing away the bottles of morphine and Ativan. I was OK after doing that, so I moved to the kitchen where the last prescribed pain medicine bottles were sitting on top of the microwave - I threw those out and was OK. I decided to take down the gallon size zip lock bag that I had kept all his meds in for 10 years or more. Every Sunday, I went through the bag, doled out the week's doses in his weekly medicine container and assessed what needed to be refilled that week, making a list to call the pharmacy to go pick up refills. I thought I was ready for that too. I took each bottle out and emptied it in the trash, then dropped his weekly medicine container in - I started crying and hurting after about the first one or two bottles, but kept going - by the time I was done I was in total melt down. I was so upset I couldn't even drive to a friend's house to get help - I called and they came and got me. I was a basket case for the rest of the day and way into the night. Little by little I change something now - sometimes days or weeks have gone by with making no change at all. His dirty clothes are still in his hamper - I'll wash them and decide what to do with them when I'm ready. On the other hand, I've been able to give some (a few) things to some people that were special to him. I know they are also grieving losing him and are honored and appreciative to have them. It has made me feel good because I know those people see his special things as treasures and keepsakes - they will always honor him through having them. And I think they are things he would like those people to have and enjoy. Anyway - I shared that just to say - be good to yourself. Don't do anything that makes you hurt. Our wounds are fresh and open very easily - we need time to heal and it's OK to do only what you feel comfortable with doing and only when it doesn't hurt to do it.
  10. Oh, this is so true! We have to find a completely different person that we've become now - or rather are becoming, and add in grieving not only for loss of our partner - but loss of our own identity. Loss of who we are and have been for all these years. Maybe, one day we can find that new person we are now that's better because we had them in our lives for those years. Maybe. Something to hope for at least. They say hope is a good thing. I've lost hope. Maybe thinking of that the person I am (or could become) now as being a person that might be a tribute to him and us would bring peace at least.
  11. I saw my therapist today. He said something that had never crossed my mind and I'm pondering it. So...I was telling him how I just don't want to do anything. There are soooo many things I need to take care of, in soooo many areas - it's overwhelming; but I have to force myself to work at anything and prefer to forget about it most of the time. And when I do try to do something, I'm afraid, confused and can't figure out how. I was telling him that when I had Cody - for 34 years, I would figure stuff out, do what I needed to do and find ways to solve problems because seeing him be happy or seeing how proud he was of me was a prize I could win and never tired of earning. Loving him motivated me to find whatever I needed within myself to MAKE things work - to find a way and make it happen. I was telling him that, well - I know I still have the same abilities - I just can't seem to find them anymore. Now -- my own happiness is not enough to motivate me. He said this: "What if we look at it as SURVIVAL and HEALING for ourselves instead of 'making ourselves happy'. We would still find happiness, but as an end result and not the motivator." Just thinking about that makes me feel a small spark of the 'inner power' that I used to feel. Like - I have what it takes to do this, and my survival and healing depend on it. Interesting attitude adjustment that might just create the motivation I need to move on some very important tasks that need taking care of.
  12. AB3 - so true. In the 'real' world, - when I think about it - that's the way it always was. I had Cody, and that's where I belonged - fit in - mattered. When I had that - the 'real' world was the 'unreal' world to me - we were REAL, so the outside world didn't matter to me. Now that he's gone, there's no where for me to belong, but that world outside of US is still just as unreal as it always was. It would be nice to heal enough to have peace in just being me, and not having to feel like the ugly duckling among strangers. Sometimes I have hope that I won't always be lonely. I may be alone always - but it would be nice to have peace with myself and not be lonely. Maybe that's possible, even if only in moments of time. I hope so.
  13. I'm so sorry for your pain today. It hasn't been that long for me - only 55 days, but I understand the feeling. I guess we're all in this for the rest of our lives. Maybe there will be something to smile about once in awhile. Like Joyce said, loving deeply is a privilege and this is the price we pay for having that. Most people don't find that kind of love in a marriage, after many years. And those who do - well, at some point, one will have to pay for having had it same as we do.
  14. And then there's the people that make themselves feel like they're helping you by saying - let me know if you need my help with anything. Then you need something and find out they meant only if it's something they want to do and only if it's convenient - which nothing you need ever seems to fit those criteria with anybody. So you feel even more lonely, because you thought people cared enough to understand and lend a hand - but it was only words. I quit asking, or answering when they ask if there's anything. I'll figure it out. Gotta do it alone anyway, might as well accept that and dig in. We never did depend on other people. I thought I would need to now, but it was embarrassing to ask, when turned down over and over. Feels like being in a sort of a time warp or something. Nothing is real and people are just manikins. PS: Sorry to unload, but I'm in a pretty bad mood tonight, and this subject happens to be part of the reason. So just needed to vent, I guess.
  15. Well, I'm no where near 5 years yet - only 53 days. I can't imagine living with this loneliness for over 5 years, but realize that I probably will. My heart aches for you. I am left completely alone from human companionship, as it sounds like you pretty much are. When I try to keep some human contact in my life - it's always like just going through the motions. I know that the connection we had is not something I will find with other people, no matter what I do. But I feel like I have to keep reaching out, even when I don't get what I'm looking for - it's something - even just hearing a voice helps (sometimes I only hear them and never listen to what they are saying), then again in other times - being around other people magnifies my loneliness. I hope that you find some support and peace by coming back here. They have been very helpful to me. I want to share this little poem I wrote about what I think my husband wants. I felt very strongly about it at the time. Sometimes now, I don't feel that way - it's too painful. But it's on my heart to share it with you today, I hope it gives you some peace and encouragement to smile. I'm Free Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free. I'm following the path God laid for me. I took His hand when I heard Him call, and turned my back and left it all. I found that place at the break of day, and could not stay another day. I’m at home now, release me, let me go. I have so many things to see and do. I gave to you my love and you can only guess how much you gave to me in happiness. I thank you for the love you've shown, but now it's time I travel on alone. Be not burdened with times of sorrow. I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow. My life's been full, I've savored much. Good friends, good times, a love one's touch. So grieve for me awhile if grieve you must, then let your grief be comforted by trust. Though you cannot see or touch me, I'll be near - and if you listen with your heart, you'll hear All my love around you, soft and clear. Lift up your heart and smile with me...God wanted me now - He set me free.
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