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TomPB

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About TomPB

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Boston, MA

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    husband
  • Date of Death
    3/31/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. Butch I hope you're OK I totally relate. I sometimes have to walk a fine line telling people I have suicidal thoughts but am not suicidal. The pain of this first Christmas without Susan is indescribable even WITH friends and family. This morning a friend was talking about a friend who killed himself and I perked up and said "Oh? How did he do it?" and she said "DONT DO IT" they understand LOL. Best wishes Tom🐼
  2. I keep a journal. It started as hand written but I type so much faster I've mainly switched to a file on my macpro. My grief counselor is VERY strong on writing and I mostly do what she suggests. I write to Susan, AND I write her replies. I've written the conversation we might have had if we had 5 min to say goodbye. Since I've spent a lot of time regretting where I could have been more loving, she has me making a list of what I DID do, and I'm constantly updating it. She suggested I should write a note and put it in our stocking, and I'm going to do that. She suggested I put a note with the Christmas decorations when I put them away as sort of a time capsule for next year. The writing makes me cry. She and others tell me that it's good to be in touch with my feelings, like I might otherwise avoid them. LOL I don't know how to NOT to feel it, I think about Susan constantly. Before 3/31 I kept a very irregular journal, with big gaps. It's really hard for me to read that, since I'm sometimes complaining about Susan, which feels horrible now.
  3. Marg, I talk to Susan all the time. I scream at her "How could you leave your 🐼" and she says she didn't want to but had no choice. I tell her that we were so close for 48 years that I should feel her presence now so why can't I? She says it's not easy for a spirit to communicate with a mortal, and I should be satisfied with the falcon and the note she sent me. I posted the falcon here. The note I found was dated 3/25/87 and Susan said she was writing it early so I would get it next week and not be lonely while she was away. One week from that day is 4/1, the day after she died. Then I hope for a dream but when I see Susan in my dreams she ignores me. I'm told that's my feeling of abandonment, makes sense. I hope I and you and everyone can get to the point of feeling the warm memories instead of just the pain of loss. I'm staying in our home where every square foot is a memory and I want that to surround me with warmth and not ghosts.
  4. Thanks Marty. That sounds like the only way forward, but I'm far from it now.
  5. Good thoughts, Marg, but it hurts SO much I have been like a zombie this afternoon. Susan liked to draw little 🐼 cartoons on me.
  6. Very emotional to hang this by myself
  7. Yeah, me too. Susan and I used to read together and if we found a book we really liked I would read it to her. I also have a hard time with the TV shows we liked. She really liked "Bosch" we watched on Amazon & I did too & now I can't. Partly because it's set in LA which is where we met and we liked seeing places we remembered as newlyweds madly in love - like we were on 3/31. We did all the little thiings together, and every day I realize something I took for granted. I'd complain about her overdoing Christmas decorating and she'd call me the 🐼Scrooge. Only today did I realize what a beautiful thing her decorating was for us. I won't say "happy", but best wishes Tom🐼
  8. Janka thanks & totally relate. I have the CD of Susan's memorial service and have not even come close to thinking I could watch it. Yes, the bigger the love, the bigger the grief. CS Lewis says that too. I know it's true ❤️🐼
  9. I LOVED hibernating with Susan during a storm. Now being home alone on a cold dark day is the worst. Susan was the Christmas decorator. I never fully appreciated how beautiful and warm she made things. I want to do something, so today I explored and found where she kept the decorations. They are packed away amazingly neatly. I won't do nearly as much as she did but will do some, in her memory. Can't do it without crying but I'm used to that.
  10. Susan died of a heart attack with no warning. She had developed a chronic cough and on 3/31 said she felt nauseous. She went to a Dr who said she might have pneumonia but was otherwise in good health. I'm a competitive swimmer and doing sprints coach says "get your heart rate up". I'd like to get all my affairs in order, set up Susan's memorial with the money we saved for OUR retirement, do a personal best in a meet, win my age group, get my heart rate WAY up, and die in my second home, the pool.
  11. Yes holidays very hard, the continuing parade of "first without Susan". Happy couples are torture. Susan was the cookie baker supreme, sending/bringing her special creations to all, and home & tree decorator. I'd complain about over hyped Christmas & starting too early and she'd call me the 🐼 Scrooge. Now I'd give a kidney to see her taking out the decorations or her cookie making things. I see them in the kitchen all the time and think nobody will ever use them again. So sad despite all the prople trying to help. Best wishes Alina Tom 🐼
  12. Challenges

    Marg, I was able to solve the problem, and it does help my state of mind and introduces me to new people. However as soon as I think of losing Susan's sweetness I'm off again...
  13. On Beacon Hill we get the full NE winter, and it IS a hill. I'd always meet Susan so she could hold my arm walking in ice & snow (nothing yet this year). Going down much worse than going up. There are a lot of older people here, many living alone, who love the city and do not want to move to warmer climates. I would joke with Susan that maybe we should move and she would say NO! Beacon Hill Village was founded as a support group for such people. I'd heard about BHV from a neighbor, had put it on my list of charitable contributions, and had thought about volunteering some day. Then after 3/31 I realized that I was now living alone, I might need help at some point, and I needed all the community I could get. So I joined and it's becoming an important part of my support network.
  14. Challenges

    I've volunteered to do tech support for a local organization Beacon Hill Village. May have my first case today. We'll see what I know, LOL. Part of my attempt to get more connected to the community since losing Susan. 8 months.
  15. Challenges

    Gwen, sorry to be behind. I know all about "happy" so I won't say it - best birthday wishes. I've had mine, 9/21, yet another in the parade of "first without Susan". Would have been horrible but my amazing brother arranged a family dinner. Not sure I'd be alive today without him. Feel like I'm retreating into my pre-Susan life. Still cried a lot. Our cards would always say "getting better every year" "looking forward to many more" etc. I see those expressions with a whole new perspective now. ❤️ Tom🐼
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