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TomPB

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  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    husband
  • Date of Death
    3/31/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Boston, MA

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  1. James, thanks. I try to speak for myself. Everyone is different. For me, after 48 years in a soulmate relationship, being alone did not feel OK. OTOH, I thought there could never be anyone else but Susan, and that she would be with me in spirit. Very conflicting. Another thing is that Susan had taught me how to be loving, and my instinct was to use that. My therapist told me to try online dating, and I finally agreed. After a few dates it hit me that I'd rather be with my non-romantic neighborhood friend Carol than anyone I'd sen online, so I asked her if we might upgrade our relationship and that was what she had wanted all the time! This was after I had been a compete zombie for about 2 years. Susan died on 3/31/17. We didn't think she had any health problems, but she left in 5-10 minutes while she was in the bathroom and I was in the living room. After 48 yrs I didn't even get to say goodbye. We had left for vacation in the Islands 3/1/17 and she was going up the hills like a teenager. Leave for vacation 3/1, gone 3/31! All I wanted to do was die too. However, did slowly come back to life. Everyone has a different trajectory. For me the PTSD lasted about 2 years. Everyone is different. The most important thing was sharing with others, especially others with grief. This forum was a big help. Isolation is poison. RE the psychic, I didn't initially seek her out. I got an email from my sister who said she was seeing a psychic who said out of nowhere "your sister in law is here" and continued with an amazing message requiring knowledge that nobody but Susan would have. I was stunned. So, despite being a very skeptical scientist, I took it seriously, and had 2 sessions on my own. Losing Susan has opened me up to just about anything. I too was raised Catholic but I don't think about that much now. Best wishes for finding the path that is right for you! TomPB
  2. Hello friends, I haven't been here for some time but I'll never forget how you helped me in the two years or so after 3/31/17 when I was traumatized. This time of year I remember the trips to Susan's huge family in Richmond, the long drives, and the rituals we'd developed, like crab cakes - Susan was the head chef. The first two after she departed were horrible for me. I understand that pain and have the deepest sympathy for anyone going through it. The miracle is that I have a new partner and we are in love. She is as unconventional as me and as different from Susan as is possible, except for having the same loving heart. She also lost a partner and we talk freely about Susan and Larry. I talk to Susan, silently, every morning and she doesn't mind - in fact we agree that Susan brought us together. I know this path is not for everyone. I was positive that I'd never have another partner - in fact I just wanted to die - but it just happened. I probably posted this here before, but Susan spoke to me through a psychic and said that she would always be with me but I needed flesh and blood, and she would send me a new soulmate. Sorry if that's too weird. Anyway, at least in this case, new love was possible when it had seemed impossible. If that gives anyone hope, great. I'll be retired as of next week, even tho I used to say they'd have to drag me out the door, so many changes ahead but it's good. Love, TomPB
  3. Joe, I could never let Susan go, nor do I want to. She is in me. Confusing as it may be, I'm in touch with her spirit even as my relationship with another mortal develops. First month was absolute hell for me. Hang in there, reach out, share. I try very hard to speak only for myself. Eventually things developed that I never imagined possible. Best wishes for a better 2021.
  4. Sorry for being away so long. This group gave me essential support after I lost Susan, my soulmate of 48 yrs, on 3/31/17, with no warning. I cried every day for about 2 yrs. Long story short, I'm about 1.5 yrs into a committed relationship with another amazing woman, Carol. I didn't believe that was possible and it's still hard to believe that she loves me so much, but she does. I am very blest to have the love of 2 such women. In some ways she's completely different from Susan but in the important way of being sweet and loving she's very much like Susan. An essential feature of our relationship is that she lost a partner of 28 yrs and we talk with complete freedom about our lost partners. I talk to Susan a lot and ask if she minds having Carol in the space she so carefully designed and she says not at all, in fact she sent Carol to me. Still it can feel disorienting to be doing the same things that I did with Susan. Cooking our special holiday meals. We went to St John in March in the last week before everything changed, and saw where Susan and I had our honeymoon. We started sailing together. Susan was my perfect expert sailing partner. Carol is a beginner and almost got me seriously injured last summer, but she loves it. Susan loved the ocean at Ptown and so does Carol. We rented the same condo where Susan and I stayed. Sometimes it's "is this really happening"? Carol even calls me 🐼. Whew! Everyone's Grief is different. Speaking for myself only, a new relationship obviously was possible, even though I didn't think so. I'm more happy than I ever though possible in the period of intense trauma. I would be in a very bad state this far into the pandemic without her. If that helps anyone, great.
  5. Thanks Friends. It would be nice if this gives someone hope. While being mainly wonderful, it seems very strange and challenging sometimes. I'm a creature of habit and very slow to change, and 48 yrs of unconditional love from Susan has shaped my psyche very strongly. Someone besides Susan calling me 🐼? OMG! Navigating a new sexual relationship at my age? OMG! I ask Carol "Are you really here?" The adventure continues. Best to all for 2020 Tom 🐼
  6. I'm very sorry for my sudden disappearance last spring/summer. I love you all and you have been a great support. Here's an update. My counselor had told me to try dating after 2 yrs. I was skeptical that I could find another partner after 48 yrs of unconditional love from Susan, but I did feel like I was coming back to life a bit and went ahead. I didn't find the prospect of a relationship with any of the women I met online appealing. Meanwhile I had a friend, Carol, who I always described as "my non-romantic friend". It slowly dawned on me that, if anyone could be a new partner for me, it was Carol. So one night I asked her if we might try being romantic friends, and actually that was what she had been wanting. So, I am part of a couple again. Carol is an angel and her sweetness reminds me of Susan. She also lost a partner of 28 yrs and we talk freely about our lost loves, which I think is essential. She came to my family Thanksgiving. It was like bringing the GF home to meet the parents. Everyone loved her, and she loved them. I know I am not replacing Susan. This is a new chapter. However I can't help repeating some of the things I'd do with Susan, and sometimes it feels a little funny or awkward. We decorated my jade tree for Christmas, just like Susan and I did. I make her pancakes and we went to Ptown last summer, to the same rental I used with Susan. Instead of going to my raucous family Christmas we'll have a romantic one with just us two, just as we always did. I might even make my cod and lentils. With Carol here I'm not hanging my "Susan and Tom" stocking, which feels a bit disloyal, even tho Carol is amazingly comfortable with all my pictures of Susan. When I asked her about taking my ring off, she said "Why woud you do that?" Amazing. I know some of you are in the "No, Never" category on a new relationship. Believe me, I understand and I could have gone that way too, but Carol is a miracle in my life. When Susan spoke to me through Cindi the Psychic she said she would send me a new soulmate, and I believe she did. I continue talking to Susan, tho now it is largely getting her advice on the new relationship. Best wishes to all in this season that can be so hard...Tom
  7. Johnny, yeah, I know Susan wants me to enjoy the rest of my life, and I know it hurts her when she sees me in extreme pain. I know I made her happy - I can see that in the smile on her pictures. The confusing part is that I think she also wants me to have another partner. My counselors and siblings tell me that I'm a person who needs a partner. So I flip back and forth between two different attitudes, from thinking that Susan was my one and only to thinking that I will start a new direction. From thinking that my only real life was being T&S snd I'm now stuck in a fake life, to thinking that the rest of my life is real too. I know that several regulars here say that another partner is impossible for them, and I totally get that, and feel that way myself often. But other times, I've started testing the waters. After 48 years of unconditional love from one woman I'm about as clueless at this as you can get. I wonder if I can have a close relationship with my mind full of Susan. I don't want to hurt anyone by presenting myself as available and bailing because she's not Susan. . It's a strange new world, but I'm exploring it...
  8. Birds are one way we communicate across the divide. My first sailing after I lost Susan a beautiful falcon landed on the spreaders as we were motoring to pick up the mooring and was in no hurry to leave. Looked like it was watching over us. Never happened before or since in 30 yrs sailing. This year on the 2 yr anniversary 3/31/17 a Mourning Dove, Susan's favorite, landed in one of our window boxes and started nesting. Cindi the psychic told me the Dove was not Susan but she could influence her as to where she would sit her eggs. I believe.
  9. Yes, I tell Susan she took the easy way out and left me in grief world. She says she didn't want to but had no choice. Then I think that I always tried to protect her and by going through this nightmare I'm sparing her from it. That's a little comforting.
  10. Yes, I understand perfectly. I had exactly the same experience on 3/31/17. Couldn't even say goodbye after 48 yrs of unconditional love. Changed from a single entity Tom&Susan to being alone in 5 min with no warning. This kind of loss adds trauma to grief. I've had the same experiences with people with a timetable for "getting over it". But I have had a great experience with a grief counselor. I think that's because she has had her own losses, the long death of her husband and the sudden death of her daughter. The shared experience makes the bond. Best wishes TomPB
  11. I feel with you, George. In June and July I have our wedding anniversary and Susan's birthday within 3 weeks. I remember all the good things and the precious rituals but the loss is still the main thing I feel.
  12. Johnny, yeah, I'm hoping for what Shirley says, not there yet. I'm reading Christina Rasmussen's "Where did you go". First chapter is imagining going through a door to where I can meet Susan's spirit. She says make up your own concept. So I imagine stepping through a door that looks like one of the paintings on my wall. It's guarded by a stuffed 🐼 Susan gave me and he tells me to go right in. I'm immediately at a marina we visited a lot. The sky is bright on a beautiful day and I'm remembering the good times we had there. It is extra bright over the mooring field so I walk to where I can see it and our boat is there, glowing, with Susan in the cockpit reading and glowing. She waves to me and I wave. I walk down the stairs to the float and when the launch comes I tell the driver to take me to our "Morning Gloria". But he says no, Tom, it's not your time yet, you have to go back for now. So I go back through door and I'm home again. Crying writing this...Crazy TomPB
  13. Well year 3 continues. The pattern of OK periods alternating with grief attacks continues. The OK periods may be getting longer and better, but the grief attacks are as bad as ever when they come. I had the thought recently that I'm starting to think of my life with Susan as something in the past. Earth people would say "Well, obviously" but you know what I mean. That really set me off. I miss her so much.
  14. Exactly. I have two opposite approaches. "I've lost my Susan, nothing else can hurt me" and "I've lost my Susan, I can't take one more thing"
  15. Kay, my best wishes. I know it's extra hard to face things without the one who would have been your #1 support, ❤️🐼
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