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TomPB

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About TomPB

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Boston, MA

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    husband
  • Date of Death
    3/31/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA

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  1. My friends, I hear you. We are all different. I've been on and in the ocean since childhood. Water is my element. If I was thrown overboard 10 mi from shore I'd just start swimming. Susan and I sailed through 10' waves and gale force winds without fear. Sometimes she called me the Panda Fish 🐼🐋. So while sailing was ours, it is also mine. Samuel Johnson said "When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life". Change "London" to "sailing" and that's how I feel.
  2. Our summer activity was sailing. We were a perfect team and were always ready to go on a nice day. Our favorite was "cruising", going away for a week or so and living on the boat. Last year I managed to reach out and get groups of friends to go out for the day. No cruising. Being together on a 33' boat is very intimate, and even if I could get someone to go with me, I'm not sure I would be comfortable with a non-Susan. Now it's a year later, and I haven't been sailing. What's kind of disturbing is that I have no motivation to recruit people to go. I haven't got better, I've got worse. Do I not love sailing anymore? That would be a big loss.
  3. Exactly. They still sleep with their spouses and share the same love and support. They are not looking for a new point to their existence and trying to find their way through a whole new sad life. The comparison is ridiculous and offensive. I also got "When your soulmate dies" precisely because of the quote Marty gave which recognizes the uniqueness of this grief. Take care, I've found that after I get through a "big day" OK the hit can come after...TomPB
  4. So sorry April and yes those who have not lost a soulmate are totally incapable of understanding that this is infinitely different even from grief over other close losses and they will say very wrong things. Please ignore things like timetables to "get over it" etc. Sharing with others in the same sorry club is what helps me the most. Tom
  5. Cookie I know exactly what you mean and I wish you the best getting through the day. Sharing with others who have lost a soulmate is what helps me the most. Nobody else has a clue. Geez, this AM my local therapist (NOT my angel grief counselor) suggested that Susan's siblings might be experiencing the same grief that I am. Unbelievable. ❤️🐼
  6. I understand all those thoughts & am very conflicted. I do have a woman friend and it’s uncharted territory. We do a lot together but I can’t help comparisons to Susan popping up at random. I really want a sailing buddy for cruising but what are the sleeping arrangements?
  7. BTW we have a saying for everything in AA and "fine" means Fd up, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional. So maybe it's not so bad to say I'm fine.
  8. I have no problem with being asked "How are you" when it's an actual question. What I really dislike is the formula/script where it's used instead of "Hello" and the expected answer is "Fine". Yes Marg, I don't want to force a real conversation on a random person who's just using the formula, but I can't bring myself to say "fine" either. So I say "hanging in there" or "day at a time" or most upbeat "OK I guess". A little more negative, "surviving" or "still breathing". When people who know what happened use the formula anyway I've often said "riding the grief roller coaster" and once when really annoyed at an old friend with a big smile on his face "Wish I was dead". I wish people would just say "hello".
  9. Why is it so hard for people to say "Hello" or "Good Morning"? Why has the default greeting become a question that is not supposed to be answered? Especially, if you know someone is grieving, is it so hard to stop asking the question if you don't want the answer? It's really annoying. I wonder if thiis was always part of the conversation. I mean, when Adams saw Jefferson, did he say "How ya doin'"?
  10. Doesn't sound crazy to me
  11. Good summary! Before my meditation group this AM a guy asked me "how are you" and I broke convention by actually answering, talking about the grief roller coaster and how it had hurt to cancel Susan's zipcar. Conversation stopped as people adjusted to my failure to say "Good" like you're supposed to. Then we talked about grief a little - these are very nice people - but the happy talk is relentless, with one woman saying it is a good thing that I got that cancellation done. I said true, but it's about 0.1% good and 99.9% pain. Then another started on how we should be grateful for all the good things in our lives. Well I believe that too but right now I mainly feel the pain. Even the nicest people don't get it.
  12. Geez! Super insensitive. The minister, unbelievable. But I'm not surprised, greetings and goodbyes are supposed to be "happy talk". I really hate that sort of thing. I've come to especially dislike "have a good one". Sympathy....Tom🐼
  13. What's the Arabic word for a Mexican dish that may or may not be served? Inshallada
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