I feel that no one my age can possibly understand the depth of the pain I have to live with everyday. Grief is a burden; for every loss, it's like you must carry a heavy bag that no one can see. I am carrying so much pain and it takes so much for me even to get through the day and do even one or two things. I feel so isolated by grief because I have been forced to experience so much tragedy at a time in my life when it seems that everyone else has everything. I am so resentful of social media. I also feel resentful of people who have ignored my losses, people who I considered to be friends, and then it feels so heartless that they can't even address such a huge loss in your life. I see people having kids and getting married and having huge family dinners and their lives are so full, it makes me feel even more alone. I try to be grateful for all that I have, and grateful that I had such meaningful relationships to begin with, but losing them is tearing me apart.
I lost my father suddenly and tragically when I was 26. While I was still trying to get back on my feet, my brother was diagnosed with a rare cancer. During that time, my mom was very sick but it wasn't until another 6 months had passed that she was diagnosed with advanced cancer. My brother died within 18 months and I am approaching the 2 year anniversary of his death. My mom is now in palliative care and I am caring for her at home. I cannot bear another loss and losing my mom is disconnecting me from myself in a way the previous losses didn't. My mom is my best friend, my guide, and has helped me cope with all the pain in my life. I don't know how I will face anything without her. I want to retreat and hide away from the world but I am also afraid this loss will harden me and take all the joy from my life. I want more than anything to live, and yet, I am paralyzed by sadness.