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Broken heart and soul

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    28
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About Broken heart and soul

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Granger, IN

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Mother
  • Date of Death
    June 24, 2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    NA
  1. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, I want to repeat what I said before: thank you so much for sending me that cute and wonderful video !! I love to watch it!! I'm having a good week, which simply means that I am not having migraines!! So, it is easier to deal with the sadness and emptiness I feel. Yes, you are right: I love My Baby Pearl and I would do anything for her; unfortunately, I did something horrible for her.......I do hope she doesn't feel pain anymore!! KayC, thank you for your wonderful message and I wish you a great day!! monica
  2. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Maylissa, please find below my answer to your wonderful message!! Please, there is no need to apologize, you are so busy and you have your life to take care of and I want you to know that I am extremely grateful for the fact that you answer to me at all, in other words, I mean the fact that you write to me is an honor!!! I appreciate it!!! So, please, know that there is no reason to apologize!!! You mentioned that your ailments have overwhelmed you - I do hope that they are gone and that your health is restored and that you are feeling great again!!! Thank you for mentioning the herb Butterbur - I don't know it but I'll look for it; I drink chamomile tea with honey. I am familiar with EFT, which I do love!! Please, Maylissa, do not say :" I'll try to make up for my tardiness now, in this terribly lengthy response!" Please, know that your wonderful, amazing, wise, kind message touched my heart, as all your messages do, and I am beyond grateful for the fact that you wasted your time with me - I no more deserve a friend like you, like the amazing wonderful Marty, like KayC, and all the other beautiful kind hearts that take part in this extraordinary site - but, at the same time, I am extremely thankful for the fact that you guys write to me!! Maylissa, I can't believe you said:"......when my feeling of having worth to anyone is at an all-time low"!! 😳😱😱😱 How can you say, think or feel like that????? I am pretty sure I am not the only person who reads all your posts and feels much better to hear your words and also who feels much better from learning from what you say!!! Please, know and I am saying this with all my sincerity (Maylissa, btw, if I didn't feel this way, I would not say it because I am a transparent person, so I always say what I feel and I always don't say what I don't feel) - so I say: You are extremely valued for who you are - your heart and your soul!! Yes, I agree with you: guilt has a worthy purpose. I learned that I will never, ever make the same mistake again. Maylissa, I don't mean to be rude but no one will be able to talk me out of my guilt because what I have done (agreeing to the rabies vaccination) caused my Daughter 's death and, consequently destroyed my heart ). I do feel very different now - it is like I am still there, at the vet's office and, over and over, I keep seeing my Precious Baby Pearl looking at me, with serious expression in her little eyes and I was stupid enough to make this joke to my husband: " oh, look, how Precious is her little face!! Oh, My Baby, you don't have to be afraid, the shot you will take will be like a little pinch, it will not hurt too much, just like a little pinch; this doctor has experience and he treats many furry babies like you, My Love. And Rocky, Bubbles and Spotty they also got their pinches; mommy wants her Loves safe, sound, protected and healthy!!". I swear, I wish my heart had stopped beating the moment I said that stupid sentence to her!!! I should have had a heart attack there!!! I failed her because I should have been able to hear what she was telling me!!! I always wanted to be like Dr.Doolittle and I read about this gift of talking and listening to Animals and I thought I could communicate with my FurChildren , I mean, I should have been able to hear her, to listen to her because now I know that that Precious serious face she was making was because she knew somehow, she knew it was not going to be something good for her!! 😭😭 My"yes" killed an Innocent Little Being who loved me so much, and that is destroying me. When I realized what had happened - her symptoms and that last day, when she received the euthanasia - at that moment I felt something huge happening inside me, I felt something, my essence, my soul, my spirit left my body and I felt so light and so heavy at the same time, and a feeling of emptiness, like I have my physical body, but it is hollow inside. I am still "there " - at that office, on that day and everything happens again and again in my mind,; although I am very able to fake normalcy to my husband, to the cashier at the supermarket, to a neighbor when I wave at them when I go to the mailbox pick up the mail, in other words, I am able to function, but I no longer have my heart and my soul inside. It is weird, sad and weird. I dont know if my guilt will disappear - I don't want it to disappear because that would be, to say the least, immoral; after all, it was my agreeing with the vaccine and my zero knowledge of it that caused My Daughter's untimely passing - and that was cruel, evil and unfair to that Precious Little Baby I forever and eternally love!! I can't forgive myself for that!! i have also contacted an Animal Communicator in order to know how My Baby Pearl is and also to ask for her forgiveness. The lady said she did not blame me, but the vet and since it was a vet fast telephone session, only 45 minutes, and I was not well, I was much worse than I am now, my emotional state, I want to contact another one again in order to contact My Baby Pearl - I need to know if she has reincarnated, if she is happy, how she is doing and, again, beg for her forgiveness and tell her I am forever sorry for killing her and separating her from her Son Rocky and tell her I had never imagined that the rabies shot would be able to make a mass grow in her precious baby bladder!! 😭😭😪😓😨😱😳😭😭😭😭😭😭 I wish all my organs had been infected with cancerogenous cells!!!! Maylissa, I just loved what your Fur-Son told you via the Animal Communicator!! ❤️❤️ I hope your Fur-Baby Boy has met My Princess, My Baby Pearl!!! And I hope and pray they are Happy!!!! 💕💕💘💖😻😻😻😻 Oh, Maylissa, I am so sorry to hear you also had horrible experiences with vets!! 😪😓 And, yes, you are right again when you say: ".......I have to somehow be content in knowing I did the best I was capable of in those moments." Thank you so much for explaining to me about the amygdala!! I would do anything, Maylissa, if I could, in order to go back in time and say " NO!!!!!! " to that horrendous rabies shot!!!! I would give my life to have My Baby Pearl back!!!!! Yes, I did jump on-board with the vet's recommendation because I was stupid and idiotic enough to think vaccines were good - how wrong was I!!! 😪😓😒😱😭😭😭😭😭 oh, I so admire these wonderful people that battled against vet's insistence upon the rabies vaccine!!! I bet each one of them can sleep well at night, no guilt, no nightmares, no dispair in their souls!!!!! I will google that, for sure!! Thank you for telling me about it!!!! Maylissa, please, I do hope and wish you find your resilience and use your rights to say " no " to whatever it is that is a nonsense. Please, always remember that you are a very strong woman and you can do that!! I will definitely buy the book you mentioned and I will visit their website, as well!!! Thank you again!!! However, pardon me for not agreeing with you - please know that I don't mean to be rude for not agreeing with you - but I do not believe My Baby Pearl's transition was divinely timed - no, no!! I, unfortunately, caused her death and if I had not given her the rabies shot, she would still be here with me, Maylissa. And that is what hurts the most because it was not a natural death,........ I caused it.....by agreeing with the shot! 😓😪😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I took, at least, fifteen years of life she still had. 😪😓😭😭 I know, I feel, deep inside, that I am a murderer!! 😭😱😱😱😱😭😭😭😭😭 i agree with you - I don't like to use the word "goodbye " because it seems so final. I love that you say " they are only invisible to me on this earthly plane! " I always say My Baby Pearl is inside my heart - always and forever!! I just hope she still accepts to be in my heart, I hope she still wants to be in my heart; however, if she no longer accepts this idea, I thoroughly understand and respect her wishes - after all, look what I did to her!!! 😒😒😪😓😪😓😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 it is extremely natural that she does not want anything to do with me - ever!! I can accept that; however, I will always......always, forever, eternally and infinitely love her!!!!!! Yes, the feeling of having failed her - My Precious Innocent Little Baby - is waaaaayyyy much worse than failing myself! Why didn't I " hear " what she was telling me?? 😒😪😓😭 She didn't want to take the shot - pure and simple - but I failed to allow her to have a say in her own health, in her own life - and because of that I made a mass grow inside her precious little bladder!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 it is destroying me!! It is awful!! I would give everything, I would give anything to go back in time!! I completely agree with you - there is no one that can or could ever hold a candle to my love and relationship with my Babies - they are Absolutely Pure Love!!!! But I did this unforgivable thing to my Daughter, who I love eternally!! 😭😓😪😒😭 When you said that maybe we had a soul pact with each other, so, don't you think I - unfortunately - destroyed that pact? 😓 , you know, by killing My Baby Pearl?? 😭😭😭😓😪😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 When you talk about your Precious Nissa 😻💖💕💞💝💘💗💓❤️😻, it is soooo beautiful and touching!! Maylissa, I do believe that she will be back in your life!!!! Maybe she is already back, sporting another precious furry little body.... because the story you both have is so magical!! I do wish all vets really cared only about Animals 's wellbeing and really searched for holistic treatments and only cared for their Furry Patients 's health!! I applaud the homeopathic and holistic vets!! Thank you so much for offering to help me re-educate myself, but I have to admit, I am not ready, yet, to learn more, at this point in my existence; what I have learned - after the fact - (vaccines cause tumor, cancer in older cats and dogs) destroyed, crushed me and I am not ready to continue; if I ever get to a more stable emotional state, I will definitely let you know!! Thank you so much!! I want you to know I thank you for your wonderful offer!! Also, thank you, Maylissa, for saying that the fact that I'm sharing My Precious Baby Pearl's story is something positive. I hope all Furbabies's parents learn from my horrible mistake! 😒😪😓😭 Maylissa, thank you so very much for saying you feel blessed to meet someone like me, when I can only feel hate for myself!! I am in a state where all I feel is aversion, loathing and repulsion for having killed My Princess!! 😒😪😓😭 so, I thank you for your kind words!! Yes, for sure, it stings afresh when I learn anything about vaccines - yes, you understand how I feel. For sure, it does seem like a never-ending painful journey! I feel in my heart and soul and I deeply know that this whole experience scathed me for good - I mean the pain of knowing that my action (agreeing with the vaccine without having any medical knowledge!!!!!) caused My Baby Pearl's untimely passing; also, I also feel completely destroyed because her son - Rocky - doesn't have his Mommy anymore and it is soooooo sad to hear him meow - I know he meows because he misses her, but my husband says that he meows because he is partly Siamese, so he is vocal and he also says that he meows because he wants treats, but I believe he meows because he is sad since he doesn't have his Mommy anymore. 😪😓😒😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I have had , like everyone else, bad situations in life before and some of them broke my heart , but I got up, looked ahead, kept a positive attitude, time went by and life went on; but, this, this was simply the worst thing that had ever happened to me and the feeling that comes with this circumstance is different, for I feel as if my heart broke in millions of tiny little pieces and therefore it is not possible to pick them up and glue them back together because some pieces got lost, they are gone and that is why I feel holes in my heart. My husband said that I have to accept death because people and Animals die and I told him that I understand and accept that - obviously, I become sad someone died, I mourn, I grieve, but I told him that what is difficult for me to accept is the fact that I killed our Baby, I murdered her with the rabies shot and I feel destroyed inside because the only thing I wanted to happen was to keep My Four Little Balls of Fluffiness healthy and protected from any illness........and I accomplished only the opposite..........because a mass grew on her precious little bladder. I could never have imagined that a vaccine would be able to cause cancer!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Maylissa, I think that it is beautiful and so very much accurate the compliment you have received, " Every Cat wants to be your Cat! " ❤️❤️ This is wonderful and it reflects the amazing person you are!!!! Yes, I did receive the beautiful and touching words KayC pronounced, when I read her message I became profoundly happy, she is also extremely kind and wonderful!!!! I am destroyed beyond repair, but her words are beautiful and I am very grateful for the fact she said them!!!! Oh, no, if the shoe was on My Baby Pearl's Precious little paw and she made a healthy decision on my behalf and I died because of it, I would not even blame her on the first place - I would tell her that mommy continues loving her, and forever will, from the invisible plane!! Dear Maylissa, I can't thank you enough for the wonderful message(s) you sent me - I do thank you for the time and the knowledge in your messages!!!! Thank you so much!!!!!!! I will contact an Animal Communicator because I need to know how My Baby Pearl is doing and I need to beg her to forgive me again!! I wish you a lovely day!!! Love, hugs, kisses and gratitude!!😀❤️💕😀 monica P.S.: I apologize for the delay in answering your fantastic message!!!! I am very grateful for the fact you sent it to me!!
  3. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Maylissa, I do have migraines frequently, but I am so grateful that you sent an amazing message to me - and please, never be concise on them, I love to read and learn all you write to me!!!! With immens gratitude, monica
  4. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, I also want to say that I read your message and I thank you so much for it!! I will watch this video again, but I have been having those migraines, so, when I'm better, I will send you a better message, but for now I just want to thank you for sending it to me! Have a wonderful day, monica
  5. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Maylissa, I want to thank you soooooo much for your wonderful message!! I can't thank you enough for all you said, I thank you for your loving heart and for the time you put into writing to me, but since I have been having those migraines again, I just want to say a brief thank you for now, in other words, I want you to know I read your fantastic message and that I will answer it appropriately, as soon as my head is better and I don't feel these symptoms anymore. My laptop is broken, so I use the cellphone to read my email messages and this screen is small, so when I'm better, I will write back to you!! In the meantime, please do know that you are simply wonderful, if only there were more people in this world that were 1% like you, we would be living in a kinder place!! With love , admiration and gratitude!! monica
  6. Maxine has cancer

    Dear Ipswitch, please know that I keep Maxine and your significant other in my prayers - I pray for them to get better each day, stronger immune system !! I know we want to hear from doctors the word cure, and I hope that some day soon the doctors say this about Maxine and your significant other, but I ask you to please be positive about it, my friend, I mean just keep in mind that there are diseases, such as diabetics, high blood pressure, asthma, and others that we are able to live with by controlling them; please just know that you are not alone, we are here cheering for your Precious Baby Maxine and for your husband and know that I , we are sending lots of love and healing thoughts to them!!! I wish you love, light and peace!! monica
  7. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, I loved to read your life story with Arlie - you are so wonderful to him!! ❤️ He is a very lucky Baby for having you as his mommy!! You have my huge admiration!! I wish you a lovely day!! monica
  8. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Kayc, You are a wonderful mommy to your Precious Arlie!! And what breaks my heart is that I love My Baby Pearl with each fiber of my being and I failed her, she did not deserve that; if I could I would have gone through a bladder transplant to give my bladder, or half of it because she is small, to her; what is destroying me is the fact that my actions - my agreeing with the rabies shot - killed My Little Life. It is so sad. All I wanted for her was love and health and joy, but I caused her death. I am destroyed.
  9. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Ipswitch, I think that even if you had read Maxine's profile more carefully, you would have adopted her anyway because I think you had already fallen in love with her!! That little baby had faced some challenges (adopted and returned twice), Maybe she was traumatized, that's why she had trouble being house trained, but the best thing that happened to her was the fact that you adopted her and welcomed her not only in your home but in your heart. I believe that after your husband 's and your mother's passing, she felt that and missed them and that is why she was urinating outside the litter box. I think you are a wonderful person who has a loving heart because you kept her, you had patience and love for her!!!! That is simply beautiful!! You did not give up on her!! Other people did not give her a chance, they brought her back, but you you showed her Love and that is fantastic!! I wish you a wonderful night! monica
  10. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Ipswitch, I offer you my condolences about your husband 's passing. Also, it is so sad your Baby Maxine has a tumor. We wish that our Love could be enough to protect the ones we love, being a human being or a Furry Baby!! We wish we could join those people whose Cats live up to 20 years of age, it would be so nice to have the joy and privilege to share our lives with them, as much as possible!! Although you adopted Maxine when she was an adult, please be sure that she feels , and will forever feel, all the love you have for her!! I was told that the bond of love we share with an Animal, of any species, is eternal!! As the love I feel for my Baby Pearl is eternal; but I believe I reduced her time on this Earth by agreeing with that vaccination. This is so sad. Now I carry this pain until I die. Ipswitch, I thank you so very much for your messages - they mean a lot to this destroyed creature I became. i wish you a lovely day! Thank you kindly, monica
  11. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Ipswitch, Thank you for your message!! The vet also told me that the rabies shot can cause a tumor on the site of the injection, but I read what that holistic vet said on the internet, and that just crushed me because I was trying to follow our vet's advice and I ended up killing My Precious Baby Pearl - it has been 1 year, 2 months and 6 days - and I'm just as hurting as if it had happened now; I had never killed another living being, but I ended up killing my own Daughter because I just had to agree with that vet, how could I do that since I have no knowledge of Veterinary Medicine?????? I am so destroyed!! I just hope she is not in pain anymore!!!! I apologize for venting, it is just that I am grateful when someone lets me talk about my pain. I want to thank you kindly for your message to me !! Thank you for wishing me peace - I don't know if I will ever experience it again, but I thank you so much!! Monica
  12. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Yes, for sure!!
  13. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Mary, I am sooo sooo sorry to learn you also lost your Babies - and in a short period of time. I offer you my condolences. It is so sad. I wish I could redo everything again, you know, like if we could go back in time. I understand how you feel. I wish you a great day, Monica
  14. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Marty, Thank you for sharing the article written by Dr. Kay!! Have a lovely day, Monica
  15. Older Cat Dies Following Rabies Vaccination

    Dear Marty, Thank you so much - I love it when I see that you sent me a message. Yes, I am trying to honor My Precious Baby Pearl's memory. I am so grateful I found you and your invaluable help. And I do hope that my message can be read by many, many Pet Parents so they can learn about the dangers of over-vaccination. I can't thank you enough, Dear Marty, for your support - You are a Light in the middle of this ocean of pain, guilty and sadmess. With love, gratitude and admiration!! I wish you a lovely day, Monica, broken and destroyed
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