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leftallalone

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  • Content count

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About leftallalone

  • Rank
    New Visitor

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Los Angeles

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    mother
  • Date of Death
    10/26/2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    n/a
  1. Feeling Abandoned and Humiliated

    Thank you kayc. Well my brother came and went, we spoke in the off handed way we communicate. I didn't directly confront him about his lie about going on vacation as opposed to being there for me as he promised. In our talks over the few hours we spent together, he did communicate all I needed to absorb. He complemented me on my ability to put others needs before my own and stated he was not able to do that. I think that says it all ~ that sums up my family really. My father told me right after my son passed, "you have two shots at happiness now, win the lottery, or get married" guess those are my options. Thanks for listening.
  2. Feeling Abandoned and Humiliated

    Thank you both for your replies. If you are on this board I am sure you are somewhere in your grief journey yourselves and know of the constant gut wrenching pain we endure. I guess you are correct, I do know the answer to my query ~ I am asking too much of him. My brother is working at his empathy capacity. I try and be happy for those that don't understand, who would want anyone to. I tried talking to him before I moved away. I think he knows how much pain his decision would bring me that is why he lied. There is a ton of family history which makes his decision much more painful. I wish him all the happiness this world has to offer, our friendship is damaged. I hope someday I will be able to trust him again. ?
  3. I lost my only child to suicide October 26, 2015. My son brought me nothing but joy, the perfect child. He even earned a large scholarship to a top liberal arts college, a classics major ~ fluent in French, Latin, and proficient in Ancient Greek. He came home from college depressed, we obtained a therapist for him, the doctor prescribed Wellbutrin, which caused a psychotic manic episode they gave him Zyprexa three months later he was dead by his own hand. I raised him on my own, too afraid to risk an unsuitable step-parent. I am now utterly alone. My brother, who I have always been close to, flew in and took care of all of the arrangements and took me home with him 1000 miles from where I live. He is recently divorced and has a grammar school age son. I felt the situation would be a win, win - I feel loved and useful and he gets the help he needs. Slowly, I was able to actually do more than get my nephew off to school, for a couple of months I was able to pursue a hobby I dreamed of as a child ~ a very guilty pleasure, but as it involves animals I found it very therapeutic. My beloved brother then met someone on line, a professional women, very unlike his ex- wife. They had been dating for two weeks the first time I meet her. Literately her second sentence to me was a not veiled suggestion I find somewhere else to live?? Stunned I quickly ended the conversation and calmly left the room. Our next meeting began with suggestions for my employment. I had been previously employed in the same professional position for 20 years, I was on disability ~ I was not charged rent, but covered all of my own expenses. I told my brother, (maybe too many times) how disturbing I found theses interactions. I was told "she is just trying to get to know you"?? I felt forced to get out of the way, to save my relationship with my brother. I was able to quickly get a job back in my old town, but it meant going back to live in the home where my son took his life. I had rented the home and would not be able to move back in for 3 months. Before I left, I asked my brother if he would be able to stay with me when I first moved back into the home. He agreed. When I set the move in date, my brother told me he could not come at that time as he had to work. I knew he would just be returning from an overseas vacation with his new girlfriend at that time so it made sense he might have to work. I let it go. It was accidentally revealed to me over the weekend that my brother lied. He actually went on another vacation with his new girlfriend instead, this time taking his young son with him. She moved in almost instantly when I left and they have been on two additional elaborate vacations since. My brother is coming through town for one day and expects to see me? I don't want to ~ I am crushed, he is the only person I felt I could trust. I so appreciate his generous help for the 8 months immediately following the loss of my son, but how to I pretended all is well between us? Am I expecting too much from him?
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