Vanush

Thank you- what do you mean by “maybe not ready to go all in”- I have tried to figure out what this means?

Thankyou, Would you still see someone if they planned to go away?

Hello, i was wondering if I could seek some advice. I have met a lovely girl and we have dated for about 3 months, but I sense she was holding back. She tells me recently that she is just out of a relationship and that she plans to go travelling, for anywhere up to 2 years. Her travel date is set around 8 months from now. I asked her about this and whether this is all headed to a dead end, and she said she was keeping an open mind, saying I could come with her or we could do long distance. She is a great girl and I feel amazing around her, experiencing a chemistry that is unmatched, it just feels right. However, I feel so tentative about many things: firstly, we have been dating for 3 months and she doesn’t feel ready to be “in a relationship” yet, despite wanting to spend all her time with me and doesn’t wanna see other people. Secondly, she has these travel plans which seem to be non-compromisable. I think I could compromise for the right person for sure. There are 2 questions here: firstly, how do I manage this? If I continue to spend time with her it very well may develop into something and she may compromise or we will figure out how to make it work. However, this may end in heartbreak and more wasted time (which I could spend with another). She also may perpetually be “not ready for a relationship”. secondly, do I compromise for her (certainly not before I get a commitment): this would mean putting my career back and costing me around 15 grand to become a doctor overseas. The money may be good but I wonder if I’d ever be willing to make that commitment. i cannot emphasise enough the strength of these feelings, the connection is amazing, but these circumstances are very tough. any advice would be appreciated, thank you

I might add that I’ve been making new friends, playing sports and avoiding looking at photos, so they keep coming despite the avoidance

Hello all, it has been a little over a month since I’ve checked in, how is everyone? I continue to return to the same thoughts at the moment. I am considering, perhaps this person was really someone I would have been with, had I been in the right place. I definitely wasn’t then. Upon reflection I was never open to the possibility of a long distance relationship with her, nor the possibility of not being in my home state. You know that Joni Mitchell song lyric, “you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone”. I think that somewhat applies here. I am in the process of seeing a therapist to try to work things through. At times my mind does wander and thinks, what if I were to call her up, what would happen. It is a constant push and pull right now, but I wonder if the explanation is simple, the right person but not the right time for me. That however, would lead me down the path of contacting her, and I don’t know if that would be the right decision either. It does unfortunately leave me with this gnawing feeling of loneliness though

Thanks Kayc. That tip reminded me to look at a document I wrote for myself. I recall agonising in the morning once and knowing I would think this way about things after I had called things off, I recall imploring myself to trust my gut. Funny isn’t it, as a man I feel so bereffed of people to talk about this with, I feel like I have to always just grin and bear it, no one wants to hear about your struggles, it’s better to say you are doing well

Intriguing, thought I’d check in and see how everyone is, I’m going ok. I have managed, with your encouragement, to stop looking at photos. But dreams, songs all seem to keep me stuck in the one place, I’m seeing a therapist, which is a positive step. But he hasn’t been able to assist me just yet in stopping the recurring desire to call her up and beg her to take me back. I had a dream that we were married, and I daydreamed about it now too. It is such a horrible place to be stuck in right now. Perhaps because I know the way I felt when I was with her, so I cannot see any sense in my feelings. Perhaps though it is more about me and my mindset, and that when I was with her I had work to do on myself before I was able to love anyone else.

Another habit which I wonder whether either of you get into is looking to and pining for past relationships when you feel sad or your current relationship is not going well. Perhaps this indicates that there is too much unresolved grief

Yes absolutely. That resonated so much with me! Putting in the effort to make a relationship work does not feel like hard work for the right person or relationship. You've captured that so well. Today I attended a barbecue around the corner from her house, and it brought back some unresolved feelings. When I reflect back, a part of me wishes I took the plunge. The plunge of meeting family, friends and calling it a relationship. At the time my sister asked me whether I could see myself marrying this girl, and I couldn't answer yes or no. Perhaps an unfair question but nevertheless I decided no. I feel like there seems to be an inevitable boredom phase which I've hit with a few people where I havent been able to break through it. Perhaps it is where I realise there is not as much in common as I first thought, or where the bond is not strong enough. A tricky period. Ultimately, i can stand back from my feelings and see that I'm a guy who is hung up on a girl he declined, a girl that he didn't want despite multiple attempts. It seems absolutely ridiculous in those terms but the fear that this was a "one that got away" situation is absolutely terrifying.

Ah yes, if it doesn’t feel right! That Is a poignant point. My difficulty is in trusting my gut, I worry as I age I become more set in my ways and less prepared to spend my time with anyone, and that I’m so fussy. I have dated many beautiful people, but each time my gut ends up telling me this is not quite it. I suppose you must trust how u feel because it is just that. And it would be better to be single than to live in contrary to your desire. I also am amazed that you always “wanted to be together”. I have had this with only one person, and reflecting on this it wasn’t the case with Sarah. The difficulty truly comes when it is not a continuous feeling, but intermittent. Having said that, with my first relationship there was not a day that would go by where I didn’t want to be her boyfriend. It sounds like it was such a wonderful relationship and I’m so happy for you. Perhaps I have had this feeling once, and it feels like everything in life is just a little better. I pray, for you and me, that this can come along more than once in a lifetime.

So true Rae, I’m probably at a point now where I wish I could be shaken sense into. One thing I’ve been pondering more recently has been about how a “right” relationship feels, and thought you or Kayc May share your thoughts. I have had 2 relationships I think to compare here: the first, I was taken with her, love at first sight, crazy love story which turned into an insane romance, and then incredible heartbreak. There was never a question in my mind of whether I wanted to be around this person, it was automatic, I felt like I did nice things for her and was around her out of an instinct of love. Although ironically I was taken advantage of and stuck in a toxic cycle eventually. The second, Sarah, a similar “wow” feeling at the beginning, but then some question marks, the feeling of not wanting to put the effort in, and eventually without that effort the feelings waned. The confounding factor here was a much busier year in my life comparatively to the time period of the first relationship, and I believe I was a significantly different person after the first brutal heartbreak. None of these relationships worked out, but the first evoked an innate desire within me to love and care and spend time with the girl, despite her eventually not being right. Whereas with the second the desire eventually was simply not there despite my wanting it to be (although confounding factors exist). I guess the question simplifies to this, in the right relationship, should you feel that innate desire to spend time with that person a lot, or does it fade and require effort? (As it did with Sarah in the first 4-6 months). i know I must stop the destructive cycle of looking at photos too, that never helps, it is just still so hard to accept it’s over as I find myself thinking over and over- what if I had one more chance. I think the reality is though, I tried and tried, and it made us both sadder

Thanks, These are very wise words. I am trying to let her go currently. I'd be lying if I said I was fine, and family events around Christmas make me oh so miserable. Today my friend was wearing the same shoes she wore when I broke it off. But the message is clear. Take steps towards moving on, and be patient. I also find, that when these feelings come up, all you want to do is talk to someone about them. But no one truly listens, often I find they sweep your feelings aside with a phrase like you'll be ok. What they are truly saying is that they aren't comfortable with your feelings. Unfortunately I have found that over n over, and I turn to forums

Thanks kayc, I do need to give it time. With Sarah, once the initial few dates went on, we got comfortable and weren’t spending time doing exciting things on dates, we would just cook dinner and spend time together. I also never met her friends or family. This was a product of how busy I was and the pressure and stress of the career, as welll as her being busy. Do you think this could have been a reason our spark died away? If it is this devastates me, but I realise I couldn’t have given any more to her then, and if I had, would not have achieved so many goals professionally this year

You guys are fantastic thankyou. My brain continues to tell me and question me, maybe she was really an amazing one who got away. I don’t want to believe it but I’m starting to. I know what I’d tell myself- it didn’t work, the connection wasn’t quite there, it wasn’t good for you and it wouldn’t have worked. But something about the way I felt at the time had such a dramatic effect on me. I don’t know if I’m crazy, but I don’t desire a relationship in the conventional way. I like being busy, and when I sleep at night I prefer sleeping alone. I like things the way I do them. I find it more efficient and easy to be single. I don’t feel the need to have someone to show off. I worry that this is due strongly to the rights of my career and the constant pressure? I wonder if that can make u feel sort of numb, as I’ve felt before. But I do desire the feeling that is so strong in you that it is like a drug, and it makes you want to change all your ways and commit to inefficiency because you’re in love. I am not looking for a warm body, an empathetic ear or a trophy date. I am looking for the feeling, and the feeling alone. I’ve had it once before, and it made me thoroughly analyse and reassess the direction of my own life. Something that powerful I can only hope comes along twice in a lifetime. I have pondered these things over the past few weeks. Why am I addicted to the memory of Sarah and I? Is it impossible to find that feeling again,? And does my busy life dictate and make me less able to feel love

Yes so many good points, thankyou both for sharing your stories, it helps. It’s only hard when pictures come up, and I have to hold back the tears, I wish we didn’t have mutual friends, and I try to distance myself. When I look at her I just wonder, what sort of individual could not love her

Ah yes, I can't wait for that day. It sounds like Tim and you weren't quite right for one another. The cold, cruel and emotionally unavailable person was one that I associate with, that is my ex-girlfriend really. I'm so glad and admiring of the fact that you moved on after such a tough time, it provides a good example for myself to remind myself of, and model upon. The existential void you describe resonates with me as well, it is clearly not a nice headspace to be in. Did you find that as long as you were busy, those feelings didn't catch up with you? I, like you, am 5 months or so after saying goodbye to Sarah, and it's definitely not easy. Only just today, I drove past the places we had countless dates and spent countless times together, however, unlike Tim or Joe, I can't say she was emotionally unavailable or horrible or nasty. She was lovely. Just not quite the right person for me, or the version of me currently. The reminders really sting I find, and tend to eat away at the insides. That is not to say that I'm drastically unhappy or doing poorly in my life, I'm still moving forward, but I actively avoid reminders of her, and I dislike going to weddings currently as I am reminded of what could have been. I try to stay away from social media where you are seeing people in happy fulfilling relationships reminding you of what you don't currently have. Difficult isn't it. It's not to say that it's the be all or end-all of life, but it adds a nice homely touch to this existence, a fulfilling relationship. It seems like you have been quite strong in moving on and steeling yourself. Do you think you were able to heal without becoming jaded about relationships/love etc? That is the ultimate goal here. But I know it is not quite that easy when I feel like she could have been the one to make me truly happy. The one you want to show off to everyone, to be at their side around people. But strangely, lacking that really close intimate connection and understanding of one another's minds.

Ahh yes, probably true. I perhaps regret that mindset now, but what is done, is done. The only issue is, I keep looking at photos of her if I'm sad or having a bad day, wondering if it could have worked. It is like a drug addiction I think, i can't seem to stop. And yet what I think whilst looking at her (she quite possibly was the most attractive female I've seen) is so different from what I felt around her. This inconsistency between feelings and impressions seems to plague me, and I don't understand it. But I'm very sure and firm in the belief that it is done now. The clarity may never come, but I have to try to move on. A cruel emotion I've never had before..intense regret

Yes, being in love with someone, seems to take more than just the right circumstances (which are not happening for me right now). It seems to be a deep connection, falling in love and a willing from both parties

Ahh yes, very interesting. That connection you had with George, I know what that feels like. I had it once, and I was so so lucky to. It doesn’t need forcing or work in the beginning, it just worked. Later on I had the things and the compromises but I wanted to do this, it was out of my own will. With Sarah, I didn’t have it. I just felt stuck, and pressured to make a decision. At the core of this is a very tough decision, and one that I doubt regularly. I couldn’t choose a partner here (or so I thought) because I needed to be close to my family. They need me, and I can’t help but think I owe them a debt to be near them. That is not to say they have verbalised that, but I know it to be true. For this reason, I don’t think I was in the right mindset to fully give myself to Sarah and start a relationship. Even when I brought it up, telling her that that was where my life was headed, she did not say anything, I think our communication was poor. To see it as a viable relationship I needed her to tell me it was possible, but that didn’t happen. I think that is part of why we never got past the initial spark, because there wasn’t a viable future in my head. Please excuse my ramblings, but I am seemingly getting more and more clarity

Kayc this really resonated with me, the superficial level, this is perhaps where I was at with Sarah. It looks good, it feels good for a while but after a while you realise you don’t connect right? You wake up and feel so/so about seeing the person, you are not enthused to be with them. On the outside though people say (as was said to me) “ but she is gorgeous, you guys look great together”. But then you realise it is nothing about looks, it is about how u feel. That perhaps is the most devastating thing when u care for someone so much that you want to love them

Oh gosh I’m so sorry to hear u had that experience kayc, Thankyou Rae, I certainly hope so. I’m actually glad I could have had that experience now, as I’ve realised that I would not want this partner in my life as I reflected upon the way I was treated. You have learnt a lot from these struggles and carved meaning definitely from your situations. I’m sure that mine will aid me to find meaning somehow just like you have done. It saddens me that people treat one another in this way. Interesting that you stopped talking about him in that way and it helped, something I may put into practice for myself. i just feeel like relationships are repeating in patterns now, and I find someone I’m not quite keen on, or vice versa. At this demanding point in my career too, there is less room and emotional availability to support a partner as I’d like. These relationships and these people come across path and shape us, similar to natural selection I believe, hopefully enabling us to carve a better path each time. Some of us take longer however, and at 30 I definitely feel I’m ready to give myself wholly to someone. What happened with Sarah still leaves me pining for her, as a concept rather than an individual. On paper, and in my head it is so appealing. I wonder if it has to do with her physical attractiveness, her kindness or her good family. I often find myself fantasising about being with her and messaging her and everything working out, and yet I had that, and didn’t feel it was right. I scald myself for being superficial but good looks, a nice family and kindness are all things that seem to draw me in, and not let me move on. I feel like the answer to all of this is on the tip of my tongue and all it would take is for someone just to point it out to me and I could move on from her, but it just won’t let me yet. I theorise that I would have felt different if I was more settled in my career, in my hometown and our communication was better. Sarah and I never seemed like a possibility as e weren’t able to communicate properly regarding future plans or be open enough with one another. Because of this, I felt like my feelings were that it was a dead end. At least this is what I am hoping is the explanation for clarity’s sake. Had we met at a different time where I was more available and practicalities could have worked out maybe we would have clicked. This seems to be the only rational explanation for why it didn’t develop further than the initial spark for me, despite it appearing perfect. You are obviously in quite a good place now, am I right? I am so sorry to hear everything that happened to you but it is amazing the wisdom it has given you

That is a beautiful song, thanks for sharing. I cannot wait to finish my last professional exam and be able to have time to talk a little more with someone about this. A peculiar experience I had today, when I bumped into an old partner, not Sarah, but the girl I dated before. I saw her with her new partner, and it really brought some strange feelings up for me. I can’t say anger, or sadness, but somewhere in this vicinity. She was perhaps my first true love and she broke my heart by being unfaithful. Perhaps there is still hurt there which I need to explore, have either of you experienced this?

Yes, so very poignant! I do wait for the day I can spring out of bed and not think of her. But it still gets me and I am drawn into the illusion and trick of what could have been. It would be such interesting science/psychology, to figure out, how I have gotten over relationships that lasted 2 years, in the space of 6 months, yet Sarah and I were never in a relationship, and 4 months later I still find myself in a bind. What a peculiar thing the human mind is. The desire and anxiety to find that "one" who will complete you and make you a happy person is at play here I believe, and just as you have both pointed out in your previous posts, it is not a healthy thing to be continually searching for this person to make you happy. It is better to go out with no expectations and make your own fun, your own achievements, and then one day, unexpectedly, you may come across someone who stuns you. Until then, it is great to have such a good community of minds!

Absolutely! And I can tell the strength of your character because of it. So many people in your position I find to be the most generous, giving and loving people!

Ergh, don’t you just hate the waves of emotion that come over you when you least expect it! It’s strange how I can forget so easily the feeling of it just not being right, that is distant in the memory, but I won’t forget all her positives. it still burns really intensely! I am left to grieve over whether something could have been done to change my feelings at that time. Maybe had I worked on myself a little more I would have been in the right place, maybe had I stuck at it longer...