kmarie0218_in_wi

WOW. KayC thank you for your reply. I'm sorry you've gone through this before...but forgive me for saying I feel better knowing someone else knows what I'm dealing with. I agree, I don't care what he tells me that "they weren't gettin' down while mom was alive" I'm not buying it. You don't go from "we'll see what happens, we're friends, maybe things will develop" to less than 3 months later and you're in love. There isn't an agency involved at this point. My parents know her because of an agency they used when the just needed a few hrs a day. So they've really known each other for 12+ years. Eventually mom needed in-home care and they contacted her to see if she would be interested....and she moved in over 5 yrs ago. I don't know if my mom was ever suspicious. My brother, husband, sister-in-law, grandma.....never trusted her from the beginning. I got along with her ok because, what can you do? This is the arrangement, she's going to be there, etc. It's the new norm. And we get along. I make jewelry, she likes and buys it. I've sat and had conversations with her, etc. That's all one thing. Now putting the moves on Dad is a completely different story. Your FIL watched his wife dying for 3 years. My dad did the same - for over 20. Which is why I can understand his eagerness to move on. But do we question her intentions here? You bet. The chances of them getting married and divorced shortly after are probably pretty high. And she'll take him to the cleaners. I get that they've known each other for a long time...she lived in their house....how could you not have built a relationship? As of now, they are engaged and she's flashing pics of her ring all over FB. The husband wants me to unfriend her or block her posts but I'm afraid there could be backlash if I do that, she could use it to poison him against me that your kids are against her, etc., plus it's nice to keep dibs on her and it might keep her in line somewhat knowing I can see her posts. We can't control what he does, hopefully he's not going to get screwed over. Hopefully she'll prove us wrong and we'll be eating our words. We're gonna find out.... In the meantime it's just hard to mourn the loss of Mom when that is being overshadowed by all this other crap. She probably has her own gravitational pull spinning so fast in that grave! (I know her soul has moved on and gone home....but it's hard to separate HER from that and not feel like I'm channeling the pain and loss she would be going through if she saw what was happening in her absence.)

My mom passed away 8/2/17 after a 20+ year painful battle with MS. She was hospitalized in early July with a myriad of issues which she just was not able to recover from. My parents had a live-in caregiver for the last 5+ years to help with her care as it was more than my dad could handle but they were adamant she stay at home. About a week and ½ before she passed, I was in a conversation about my mom with the caregiver when she started telling me that "there's nothing going on between your dad and I, we are just really good friends." Ummm….this wasn't even a thought in my head at the time but thanks for putting it there now. I talked to my brother and he thought I was crazy to go over analyzing it and that we should focus on mom and ignore this caregiver. (It took a lot of getting used to when she originally moved in as it was weird having someone extra in my parent's home, but they had known her for years prior since she worked for an agency they went through once upon a time. She's also somewhat domineering and brash. I get along with her for the most part, but my brother and especially my Grandmother (mom's mom) never liked her.) Mom passed away and was buried Saturday, 8/5. The following Saturday, ONE WEEK after my mother's funeral, I'm texting with the caregiver (because they started purging the house pretty much immediately) and she asked me if I would be ok with her and my dad "doing things" together. I asked "what kind of things?" (being cheeky, really) and she said oh like going out to dinner, for drives, maybe a trip up north. EXCUSE ME but it's literally ONE WEEK since burying my mother and you are planning vacations with my dad???? My brother and I continued to discuss the whole situation and of course we were just beside ourselves. We didn't want him to be taken advantage of, have her moving her deadbeat family into his house (because we could just envision this happening) etc. So he had a heart to heart with him. It included the fact that Grandma cannot handle going back to that house, especially since this caregiver was still living there (for obvious reasons!) So for the holidays we're going to need to do something different, that doesn't include the caregiver. The gist of it all was we love you, we are concerned about you, just please have your eyes open, etc. Well, my dad said not to worry about him, he's over my mom, etc. and he'll be ok. (Mind you this was just within weeks of her passing.) Days later we both got what I call "lectures" FROM HER. He turned around and told her EVERYTHING. So much for that. She's there because he asked her to stay, she's not after his money she has his own, you can bring the holidays back here after Grandma is gone (oh and by the way she doesn't understand what Grandma doesn't like her) because she doesn't want to be excluded. Oh, and would we rather have our Dad go pick up some street worker vs be with someone he knows? (Excuse me, I thought there was nothing going on???) Other things have happened in the meantime….but…fast forward to present day. They DID go on that trip up north (Halloween weekend). And while on that trip, they GOT ENGAGED. To us it feels like they are dancing on my mother's grave. It's being jammed down our throats and we're supposed to be happy and like it. Or don't….because if we can't deal with it then it's OUR problem, not theirs. They are moving on, having fun, etc. Now don't get me wrong…I totally understand and appreciate the fact that my dad basically set aside his life to take care of my mom. Their relationship was nurse/patient, not husband/wife, and for a very long time. On top of that, my mother was very demanding, and hard to live with (and I understand that too…her illness really changed her and she was miserable and wanted everyone else to be miserable with her.) I'm sure he is relieved more than anything right now. I'm sure he resented her on some level. But he "loved" her and we are incredibly lucky he didn't leave her. He sucked it up and stuck it out. So I get that it's time for him to put himself first for a change. But he's doing it at the expense of my brother, grandma and I. WE are still morning my mom. We haven't even hit the first holiday without her yet. They want us to be happy for them, but we just can't. They think we're going to be one big happy family with her adult kids, etc. We don't want that. There were issues between us and them before. I can't just forget that. I won't. And we have NO desire to have a relationship with them. I have my family, and it doesn't include hers. If my dad wants to go attaching himself to them, then he can deal with them. We are so afraid of my 97 year old grandma finding this out. It'll break her heart, which is broken already. She has survived her entire family, and most of her friends. We are all she has. We're trying to protect her, and deal with our own pain at the same time. I don't believe that he's "over it" either. We think he's in denial. He should be taking a breather to decompress from what he's been through, not just diving in with blinders on because he doesn't want to be alone, or doesn’t' want to have to date again, and just "wants to be married." I guess I don't have any particular questions about this…I just wanted to get it off my chest, and ask if anyone has any pointers, advice, thoughts, etc. to offer up, or if anyone has experienced something similar that can relate to what we are going through. Not only am I trying to deal with the grief and loss of mom, but this just adds a whole level of complication to it all that I never saw coming.