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About trojancaroline

  • Rank
    New Visitor

Profile Information

  • Your gender
  • Location (city, state)
    Los Angeles, CA

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Best friend
  • Date of Death
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
  1. Memorial service protocol

    Thank you guys, both of you have been so kind and helpful. I really appreciate your words and the input. Marty, your blog is a wonderful resource! I am so grateful for both of you and the guidance. I spent some time with old friends which was really wonderful. I also spoke with her mom, which made me feel better, and went to her funeral home and spent some time in her hometown. Nothing will ever be the same, I don't even really know how to describe it but it's like I couldn't turn around and go back if I wanted to. That side of life (the before) is completely walled off forever. I feel like I'm pounding my fists into the wall trying to break it down and get back to the other side but that side is gone forever. Today would have been my friend's 33rd birthday. I am planning a memorial for her for January and feel bolstered by your words. It will be really important to me to formally say goodbye. It's weird being in certain situations right now. Like nobody in my present day life knew this friend, but it's strange to me that people aren't all talking about it. I expected to see a piece about her death on the national news, even though it is unremarkable to everyone else in the world. But it has been a world-shattering event to me, and it's a strange thing to wrap my head around the idea that something so profound and tragic can happen and it is nothing to other people, just another random every day dead person. I found myself in some pointless conversation with someone at work about I don't even know what the other day. A conversation I'm sure I would have been happy and engaged with weeks ago, but all I could think was do you even have any idea about this world? Do you have any idea what has happened? It's very isolating and I feel separate from other people. I'm so grateful for this forum, Kay, & your blog, Marty! People don't respect friend grief and to be honest, I didn't either until this experience. But it has truly knocked me out of my socks. What a horrible way to learn that lesson, but I am appreciative of you guys both for your guidance.
  2. Memorial service protocol

    Thank you, KayC, I am so grateful for your words and thoughts. I do have other friends from those days who would be able to come and celebrate her life too. I know many of us were very shocked and sad to hear about her passing and I want to honor that slice of our lives. It's hard to know what is the right thing to do with the passage of time and a lot of hurt that got built up. I really appreciate your input and understanding!
  3. Memorial service protocol

    Hi Everyone, I appreciate anyone's input on this, I've never experienced anything like this loss before. I am 33 and have lost grandparents and an uncle but never anyone so close to me. My best friend and roommate my last two years of college passed away in October. We had lost touch over the years but our bond was very deep and the relationship was very meaningful to me. I am devastated by the news and by what happened to my sweet sweet friend. I really, really want to have a small memorial service for my friend at our university at a garden we used to go to. Her birthday is coming up. I wanted to know if this is appropriate? The circumstances around her death are terrible. Alcoholism tore her life apart. I know at the end of an alcoholic's life, everyone is gone. I missed the family's service back in October, but I heard it was informal and small. I really want to celebrate her life. Would it be hurtful for me to contact her mother to invite her if I have a memorial? Is it okay for me to have a memorial for my friend, even if we had lost touch for a few years? I don't want to add to the family's grief or sadness or intrude on their grieving. My own feels quite overwhelming. But I want to honor my friend and celebrate her life and how much she meant to me. I have never gone through anything like this before and don't know what is the right or wrong thing to do. Her mother threw my 21st birthday party and we were very close. We spent Christmases, New Years, birthdays, vacations, holidays, and so many memories together. I want to reach out to her mother but I don't want to upset her more. I feel quite isolated right now. I don't get the sense that anyone in my life really understands my sadness because we had not been in touch for a few years. But I had always thought we would reconnect one day. Our lives had so many parallels that make our experiences feel like mirror images; we could have ended up, easily, in the same place. I am not close to my own family and don't have a partner right now. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel or if my grief is inappropriate, but I'm just devastated. I appreciate everyone's thoughts and input. Thank you.