Hello, I lost my baby girl Chanel on December 2 2017 at 1:36 am at the age of 6. It still hasn't fully set in as my mind keeps thinking she's still here, either sleeping in the other room or just outside playing/going pee. It wasn't something expected or I could prepare for. Some asshole left food with antifreeze in it at the local park where multiple dog owners go with their fur babies. I've barely slept or eaten since then cause whenever I close my eyes that night just replays over and over again in my mind. I don't want to go into detail right now but it was bad, really bad. I've had my baby girl with me since she was 2 weeks old. Yes 2 weeks. My brother and I found her and her two brothers in a box thrown in a ditch in the rural part of town where we used to live. They were so sick and cut up we didn't know if any of them would make it but all 3 did. And turned out to be all very happy and healthy dogs. But that Friday night we had gone to the puppy park (how she knew it) like we always did and she was being her goofy playful self doing her 'bunny' jumps and chasing her tail. I always did my best to stop her from eating or drinking anything at the parks or on our walks because even before her poisoning I knew there are some sick people out there that purposely do this, especially where I live now there have been multiple reports at a bunch of parks of scum doing this. But she was just so quick sometimes and would eat things before I could get it out of her mouth. For a dog that would NEVER take food from anyone but me or my brother even if I said it was okay she always managed to find stuff on the ground and would eat it. Which is exactly what happened that night. It was around two later she started puking and I knew she must of ate something that she shouldn't have and just thought it was an allergic reaction (she was allergic to A LOT of things) but then she started to seize and struggling to breath. I rushed her to the emergency vet and they tried for hours to save her. Her liver and kidneys were so swollen like they were about to burst and were shutting down going into complete failure. Their levels were so high the machine couldn't even read them. She had such a high dose of antifreeze in her system even if I got her there when she initially ate it they don't think they could of saved her. I stayed with her until they closed at 8am and they kicked me out. The vet wasn't so cold but the vet techs were amazing and so kind. But now here I am a few days later still trying to process everything. She literally went everywhere with me so even leaving my home is too painful having to see everywhere we used to go but also staying in is just as painful. I haven't gone in my bedroom since that night cause it's all how she left it. Her blanket bed all messy her toys everywhere and food bowl with food still in it. I had to take down all her pictures for now cause it's just so painful to see them all. When I do sleep (very little) I have her favourite toy with me, her collar wrapped around my wrist and one of her blankets that smells like her. Only support system I have close by are my dad but who still has his own life to live, my bf and a few close friends (but none that have ever owned a dog). My brother is currently living in another province. When I say this dog was my whole life I mean it. I never would want to hangout with people cause just the thought of being away from her longer than I needed to killed me. But flash forward two days later my bf had been by my side the whole time with me including that terrible night. Him and Chanel were best friends especially since he is off on disability leave from work for some serious health reasons, so they were together everyday while I had to work. When I was home they were constantly together doing everything. He was the one person I needed the most right now as we live together and have been together for 8 years. But now he's so cold mean and distant. Yelling at me and blaming me saying I always ignored her cause I had to work. And the worst saying she was just a dog and I need to get over it cause he is over it. I know with grieving comes anger but this feels different. He actually threw out her leash and some of her stuff while I was out with my dad arranging for her cremation and paw print impression. I had to go dumpster diving to get it all back, thankfully he put it all in a bag so nothing got ruined. Now ontop of trying to grieve Chanel I'm going through a breakup. He said the only thing keeping us together was 'that dog' and he hasn't loved me for years if he ever did at all. I literally don't know what to do anymore. If I'm not breaking down crying I'm just numb. He was by my side crying and grieving Chanel for those first two days and now he's a completely different person. I didn't know where else to go but online to try and find some help and guidance and came across this site. It physically hurts how much I miss my baby girl, it literally feels like there's a hole where my heart used to be. I'm struck with guilt for deciding to go to the park at night for not paying closer attention. Everything just keeps replaying in my mind and all the what ifs are killing me. And then wham my bf kicking me when I'm down and being so cruel towards me. I know it will take time if not years but at this moment I feel so helpless and lost. I know I will feel slightly better once I have her ashes back home with me but till then I just keep laying in my bathroom with her blanket and toy cause it was the only place she never went into and the only place I feel slightly okay with everything that is happening. I'm sorry that this is so long I just needed to get it out. Thank you for reading.
danielle
