Hello I find myself going on these forums since my dad died. My mom had had five brain surgeries and we were told that her tumor had come back and they could not operate anymore. My mom has been on hospice now for two years. We were waiting for that moment for her. We did not see coming my father dying. He had been the one taking care of my mom because her last surgery left her talking slow almost like she had a stroke. My father went in for a hernia surgery in June and from there we discovered he had cancer and his body never recovered. He passed away within 5 months he was only 61 years old. Every day I feel like we did something wrong like we could have saved him. Every day I wake up I go through the same thing finding ways to save my dad. I go through so many scenarios in my head (even though he passed away already). I can't listen to any recordings of his voice or videos. On my way to work I cry and scream out to him. The pain is so much sometimes I feel like I'm not going to make it. I did not expect this to happen. This wasn't what we thought would happen. I miss my dad so much it takes my breath away. I miss his voice his laugh the way he would speak. There are 6 kids and we all take care of my mom. I cry so much wanting to understand why. Every day I beg god to just make it a dream and I'll wake up and he will be here. I have begged so much. I rush to go to sleep in hopes that I dream of him. I have not had a dream yet of him. Sometimes my anxiety is to much. I want to get into my car and drive until I find him. I thank god for my husband. He lost his sister when she was 16 years old to a drunk driver and his mom only made it 2 yrs without her because her pain was to much she passed away at the age of 42. He always guides me because he has experienced my emotions. So many people tell me that everyone dies. Not one person lives forever. We are just passing by in this life. That gets me thinking that this life is just a dream and one day I to will wake up.