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Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Les

Members
  • Posts

    2
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    09.07.2017
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    N/A

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Male
  • Location (city, state)
    Brighton, England
  1. Thank you to you all for your wonderful replies, you have been a great comfort to me. Thank you Kay for those links which I shall avidly read. It is sad that there are so many of us who have lost loved ones, but that is the inevitable consequence of life and love. I am grateful I had someone to love for 39 years. I think back now on the times we quarreled or fell out with each other, as all couples do, and realise that just a hug or an endearment would have fixed things, and wonder how I let all those occasions occur and what a waste of love that was. If someone were to ask me, that would be my lesson to all couples everywhere. You are good people, and yes I do feel welcome here. Thank you.
  2. Have just discovered this group after many years of wondering why everyone seemed to abandon me soon after my wife died, and if anyone else had ever experience that. I don't live in the USA like the rest of you, but in England. But I can say that the issues described on your pages are exactly the same as those I have encountered. My wife died seven years ago, after 39 years of marriage. There was a wonderful turn-out at the funeral of family and friends. After the funeral though, the friends I had been socialising with found reasons not to keep to our weekly get-togethers, and in the end I gave up calling them. None of them ever called me back, and have now gone. Only a handful of colleagues at work bothered with condolences, the rest just pretended nothing had happened. The worst was one of my staff complaining to my manager that I had 'gone quiet'. When I explained (as if explanation was needed) that my wife had died two months before, I was told they still expected me to function as normal, and my loss should not interfere with my role as a manager. So being quiet two months after your wife dies apparently turns out to be a disciplinary offence! However, saddest of all was the reaction of my family. They all called me after the funeral to find out how I was, and then.... nothing. I tried calling them, but they were very cool. None of them called me or visited me. I went into depression and was put on medication. Three years later my brother - whom I had previously got on well with - rang me, annoyed that I had left the price tag on a birthday card I had sent his wife, which showed I had only paid a paltry 49p for it. I couldn't say that my life was in a mess, that I struggled to remember or send cards or do anything else come to that, so I took the reprimand and apologised. He left with the words 'see you sometime' and I said 'when'. I said I didn't go anywhere, that I would love to see him, that I was free that weekend and 'please can I come and see you'. I was literally begging him to let me visit him and his wife. He replied that he would check his rota at work and let me know the next weekend he was free. I was overjoyed. He never called back, and I sunk deeper into depression. Two years later I was still waiting for his call. Five years after the death of my wife, my sister rang and asked if she could visit me, saying she had been meaning to call me but couldn't find the words after so long. I broke down on the phone. I am now back with my sisters, but not my brothers. I understand that during those five years, my family got on as normal with each other. They visited one another, went on holiday with each other and socialised together. For whatever reason, they just didn't want me to be part of that anymore. I had been valued as part of a couple, but on my own it seemed I was nothing. Yes my loss was seven years ago, and those who have never experienced the loss of a loved one, would probably think I should be 'over it' by now. Perhaps they are right. But I still break down at the memory of happier times, or when a particular song takes me back to the old days, or at the drop of a hat really. I cry a lot. That is my legacy. Perhaps if I hadn't felt so abandoned, perhaps If I'd had the support I needed so badly, I would be a happy 'normal' person now. I don't know! I'm sorry if I seem to be wallowing in self-pity. I'm just telling my story as it occurred, and trying to understand why things happened this way. I've been wondering also, for many years, if it is normal for a bereaved person to experience reactions such as this, and sadly this site confirms that it is. Perhaps someone should do a study. I've never been able to tell anyone about this before. Thank you for letting me tell my story now.
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