Last week my 5 year old Bernese Mountain Dog unexpectedly passed away and I am really struggling to come to terms with this. My Berner was like my baby and best friend. All I can currently think about is her last moments on this planet and how awful they were, and how I did nothing to help her.
About two years ago she began exhibiting really bizarre symptoms, constantly licking the roof of her mouth. She went to two different vets and specialist and was knocked out twice to have a scope put up her snout. They found inflammation but nothing else. The full blood work that she had done twice all came back with nothing. I was half expecting cancer, but there were no raised enzymes to make the vets suspect this. They all put it down to just "one of those things". She would have a "flare up" about three times a year where she would become incredibly restless, panting and pacing and crying, every time I took her to the emergency vet they would just give her a sedative and a steroid shot and send us home saying there was nothing they could do. She would get so upset and stressed about being taken to the vet (she was always a very anxious dog). Last week she had one of these flare ups, she was definitely even more restless and upset than normal, I gave her a pain killer and a sedative (that the vet had given me to use in the event of a flare up). She still did not settle down. She was retching and trying to vomit but nothing was coming out. I sat up with her until about 3am and then went to bed. She came up to my room about half an hour later crying and panting, clearly asking for help, I just gave her a pat and sent her out of my room. I thought her sedative and pain killers would kick in soon enough and she would settle down.
My husband woke in the morning to find her dead under the kitchen table.
My entire being is now consumed with the fact that she was asking me for help and I did nothing. I should have taken her to the emergency vet, I knew that her symptoms were presenting far worse than they had ever been. I ignored my baby and now she is dead. All she would have known in her last moments were that she was in pain and I would not help her. The vet took a quick look at her and said he thinks she bled out from her spleen and it was possibly cancer. How did this happen? I don't know how long she suffered for over night, it could have been hours. I feel so empty. I keep looking for her around the house. I have lost dogs earlier in my life, but this is by far the hardest. I raised her from a puppy and I was such an overprotective dog mum. I feel slightly ashamed of how deeply I am grieving for her. My behaviour has changed, I can't bare to do things around the house that I would normally do. I just want to be left alone to grieve by myself. The comments like "she had a great life" cut me so deeply. She did, but she was such a young dog and it was not her time to go.