LouisAlexander

Thank you Pam yes its especially rough now i called my aunt a few days ago and after the funeral i will visit her sometime we talked some... my family is devasted especially her sisters who have been through a lot in life already. About the speech, my mom told my dad she did not want that i stand besides her coffin and do a speech. I think she knew how hard this is gonna be for me since i always struggled to keep my head up and be an adult. So i respect this wish and i will not do this, leave this for my aunts and my dad to do so. Thank you for the kind words.

thank you for your response kayc really makes sense and its true thanks for the reply i really appreciate it.

thank you for your replies yes i will need a grief group and most likely need counseling to deal with this or i will get sick and stop living my life its not what she wanted its just sad she never saw this in me. thanks again means a lot to me.

never thought i would post here always knew this day would come. Im mentally unhealthy and unstable and now i lost my mother. It started with leg pains and went to a mental healt clinic the signs already began she begged for her mom to get her because the pain was unabreable this was months ago. Eventually she got stable but the pain was still there. I thought everything was going to be alright but no. She fell at a balcony door and broke her hip yelling for help for 4 hours until my dad discovered her but the damage alrdy has been done, her hip operation went good but she had an infection after a couple weeks because she laid outside on her wound too long..once my dad told me we didnt go i just couldnt see her like that...but it was over quick within 4 days her fever was so high she wouldnt survive it. We went to the hospital last night i just cried and the doctor explained the situation i couldnt say nothing i kissed her and left, my dad tried to talk to her but shes gone its machines keeping her alive she passed away alrdy. Im having such a hard time because in the past i wasnt always the best son we got into fights before it even went so bad i went to jail for a day and send away from home. I quit using drugs and got my own home now...finally things where getting better but she passed away now...and the grief is immense im getting sick myself my whole body cant handle the stress and anxiety anymore.. I didnt get to say goodbye, and i have to live with the guilt all of my life that i wanst the best son and said some terrible things i didnt mean... i am alrdy diagnosed with severe anxiety and now this, she knew i loved her very much...she knew it was the end before she even broke her hip...and it was...she said she felt so bad for me and my dad cause she knew how it would damage us and things will never be the same.. she also requested i do stand besides her coffin and make a speech because what it will do to me... .i have no friends nothing...my dad doesnt want me over for a few days and my aunts cant deal with me coming over just yet..having to deal with this all alone is the worst feeling i ever had.