Blue Captain

I feel a bit tired of being a substitute father. I love my brother very dearly but there things only a father can give or do. My little brother observes more; his questions are getting more difficult to answer. He factors in on some of my decisions, like when I had to choose between going home or joining my friends on a Spring break trip--the parental question of "Should I go on a trip when I haven't seen my kid for a long time?" I talked to someone about this. They told me to leave the raising to my father and that my brother is not my problem. There's also the warning that I might hate having kids one day because I had a kid while I am a kid. I understand that, but I cannot bring myself to do it. Even though my brother has found parent figures in his best friend's parents, having a family that cares is still different. Foisting raising my brother into other people doesn't sound right. It is very easy to do what they said--the staff can feed him, do the laundry, clean the house, and help with homework. But raise him--no. The little voice in my head tugs at me like "Are you really going to leave your brother hanging?" I'd love to be like any other college kid who can go anywhere on Spring break and worry about just the Internship during summer. Unforunately, that's a pipe dream. I'm getting tired but I don't want to abandon the little man.

My house didn't feel like home when I came back for Christmas. It felt like a film set or stage set, that I had to be a different person again. Mom was back to being taboo and it was very difficult. Guess I got used to seeing her photos at my apartment or freely speaking of her while at school. The urge to bolt was there but my little brother helped me control it. On another note, there's this couple I met at college-- nice people who I became friends with. To them I'm a regular college kid not a stereotypical rich kid. Over time, I came to see them as parent figures. Is that normal? Am I unknowingly replacing my parents?

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you very much for helping. With respects, Blue Captain

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for your reply. I understand what you mean about the saying not taken literally. How do I explain that to a kid though?

Madam KayC, Thank you for your reply Blue Captain

My brother learned the meaning of "actions speak louder than words" from a story and now he's confused about Dad's love for him. I explained that Dad is sad about Mom and he's not up to giving hugs or hanging out yet. "But you do," the little man counters. Then he tells me that his friend's Dad gives hugs, tell stories at bedtime and plays with them (during sleepovers). "And actions speak louder than words," he finishes. How do I proceed from here? From his point of view my verbal assurance that Dad loves us is not proven by Dad's actions.

Dear Madam KayC, I know he's not my responsibility, it's just that I feel someone has to step up because Dad has gone AWOL emotionally. Sometimes it's easy to handle, other times I'm wondering whether I'm doing things right or not 😵. Those around me constantly go on about how kids will retain for life the stuff taught to them. I'm not perfect, not even grown up enough to be a father but I'm hoping that the little man's life won't be too messed up because of what he learned from me.

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for the advice and the link to the article about suicide. With respects, Blue Captain

My brother got in trouble because he wished to go to heaven to be with mom. This is what happened: My brother and I Skyped and he talked about his first sleepover at his best friend's house. He said it was the best thing ever because he got to experience having a mom prepare his food and milk, playing with a dad, and a bedtime story from a parent. He wished he could go to heaven "to be with Mommy." I understand where he's coming from so I didn't think it was a red flag. Thing was he left his door open during our Skype time and Dad heard what he said. Apparently, Dad told him wishing to die young was bad. He wants answers what was wrong with what he said since Dad doesn't talk about Mom at all, and "is it bad to want a mommy." What should I do?

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you for helping me with the therapy homework. :-)

How can you know that you are healed from grief? Is it possible that you are healed but still can't stand to look at the stuff of the person who passed away-- including pictures and people who look like them (children, siblings, a stranger, etc)?

Dear Madam MartyT and Madam KayC, Thank you for your replies. With respects, Blue Captain

I've been reading online on what to do during the first meetings. Some questions are: purpose and plan (from what the article said it sounds like a timeline). How do I answer these questions politely? It sounds quite rude to say that my father told me--more like ordered--to have therapy. I have no timeline because I don't know how this works. What is the normal timeline for grief therapy for teens? I realize that there is no definite timeline and it will be different for every person. But is there some sort of period to gauge if therapy is working? (The article said counselling is not for life).

Dear Madam MartyT, Thank you. With respects, Blue Captain

How do I pick a therapist? Dad gave me a list to choose from: eight men and women, all old enough to be my parents, grief experts and dealing with teens. But their introduction is full of medical jargon and I don't understand anything. "I'm a member of [society/fellowship] and my methods are [method names]. I've tried Googling some of the words but it's way out of my league. Good news is that the therapists I'm to choose from are near where I'll be for college. I know that their profile pictures can't be the sole basis and the first few sessions would be a way of gauging whether the therapist and I can click or not. Should I just pick one at random and see if it works?