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CairnLady

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About CairnLady

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    New Visitor

Profile Information

  • Your gender
    Female
  • Location (city, state)
    Frankfort, Ky

Previous Fields

  • Your relationship to the individual who died
    Wife
  • Date of Death
    07/10/2016
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    None

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  1. Yes, guess I’m somewhat overwhelmed and overly sensitive myself. Michael’s birthday Is this Friday and it’s just wreaking extra havoc with my emotions. Working from home never bothered me a bit until he died. He would call, or send me texts, pictures of funny or interesting things he came across while he was at work, or some corny joke, and I always knew he was coming home.
  2. Never said I didn’t want to be around people, so don’t make assumptions. I said I didn’t have much trust in people. My experiences have taught me to be wary. And being around people just for the sake of being around people doesn’t abate the loneliness. I miss my husband, not “people”, since “people” have done nothing but judge and abandon me since he died. And yes, I am fully aware it is my own path to walk.
  3. All relationships have their rough times. We are all only human and not everyday is all Skittles and unicorns in a marriage/relationship. What makes the difference is that you work through the rough patches, because the love is worth it. I was always proud of the fact that Michael and I were together for 27 years while everyone else (except Michaels parents) around us (friends / family) couldn’t manage more than a few years before they all bailed out of their marriages or “serious relationships” because the waters got rough. I remember thinking before Michael died at times how grand it was going to be when we could celebrate our 50th anniversary as his parents had done before they passed. Alas, it was not to be.
  4. Mitch Your words are as if they were my own. My hardest times, and ambushes of grief are always brought on by the events, happenings and things I would have shared with Michael, but no longer can. Meals for example, Michael was an awesome cook, a master chef even though he had no formal training. The last thing he made for me before I lost him was lasagna. I will never be able to eat lasagna ever again. Last year was my 20 year service anniversary at my job. I received a nice award for my desk and letter telling me how to select my own personal gift. This was something that would have sent me running to Michael when he got home, like a kid, saying “look what I got today!!!” and would have sat down with him to have him help me pick out my gift. He would have been so happy and proud of me. Instead I just sat at my desk and cried and cried, talking to the ceiling saying “Look what I got today Michael” Having no one to care how you’re day went, to no longer be the most important person to someone, and them to be yours, no more hugs, holding hands, sweet kisses, inside jokes, the sharing make it all so very very hard. Now it seems all is hollow and without meaning.
  5. Yes Gin, I also go days, weeks, months without seeing anyone I really “know”. I work from home so even my co-workers are just voices on the phone when I have to attend a conference call. Sometimes I will say hello to a person I might see while walking my dogs. I’m not a joiner either. Unfortunately I don’t have much trust in people, they always seem to crap on you, or just want to use you. That’s been my experience anyway. I also have a medical condition called Cervical Dystonia. Had it for almost 25 years, it’s very painful and limits my ability to drive, I can only manage driving short distances. All of this plus my PTSD/anxiety combines to make it oh so hard to get out “in the world”. The fact that I can get myself to the grocery store once a week is a big accomplishment for me. When I had Michael, obviously he took my wherever I needed to go (including my treatments for the Cervical Dystonia, but since he’s gone, I haven’t had any treatments in over 2 years) and he was my rock, my shield whenever I felt unsure or self conscious about my condition. This all sucks, but like you, I really have no one who I can turn to.
  6. Thank you all for the responses and kindness. I’ve known very little kindnesses or compassion since I lost Michael. I too have given up expecting my “family” to understand and I’ve decided to remove them from my life, which is easy since they don’t bother with me except to insult or judge me anyway. I don’t know why I expected anything different from them, as they have all always been so very selfish and unable to have empathy or compassion for others. Desperation on my part I guess. I simply cannot carry my grief and all the hurt they dump on me with their callousness and cruelty. They are toxic and none of them have ever been able to have a relationship with anyone like Michael and I had (we were together for 27 years, inseparable from the day we met, love at first sight, we said “I love you” to each other everyday). I miss him so, cry every single day. Mornings (and weekends) are the worst, like many others I don’t sleep well, but when the mornings come I am riddled with anxiety and just cry my eyes out having to face Michael being gone over and over and over again. How is it possible to cry so much for so long? My heart and my mind just ride around in the empty vessel that used to be me. Like Humpty Dumpty, broken in so many pieces I don’t know how to put myself back together. My sweet loving dogs (which I call my babies, Michael and I had no children, our cats and dogs were our kids and we loved them as such) are the only reason I am still here and get out of bed. They give so much love to me and always try to comfort me, so I must do all I can to give them the best life that I can. Peace and love to you all. Here’s a photo of my babies, Loki and Nugget.
  7. This is my first time posting here as I have spent the last week reading much of what others had posted, and recognized myself in each of you in one way or another. I’m not very good at expressing my thoughts and feelings, putting them to words, but I am “glad” I found this forum. My beloved husband Michael was torn away from me July 10, 2016. On July 5th he came home from work, and less than an hour later suffered a massive stroke. I’ll never forget the look of terror and bewilderment on his face, and my feelings of utter helplessness as I called 911, kept telling Michael to hang on (he was fading fast, couldn’t speak, his eyes rolling around wildly.). Then watching the paramedics work on him, wheel him out of the house to take him to the hospital. i had gone into shock and my heart went into Afib, so next thing I know I’m in another ambulance too, them thinking I was having a heart attack. All I could keep saying was please take me to same hospital as my husband. I had to stay in the hospital overnight, took awhile to get me out of Afib, but I didn’t have a heart attack. All the while all I told was that my husband had a stroke. Next morning I was released and frantically went to where they had my dear Michael and went I walked in the room I almost passed out, he was hooked up to all these machines, not conscious. Couldn’t find anyone who could tell me anything. jumping ahead a bit and to shorten the story (as it makes me ill to recall these events) at 6:30am on July 7th (which was our wedding anniversary and the anniversary of the day we met) a doctor whose name I can’t recall called me and callously said “you’re husband is going to die”. I simply collapsed repeating “no, no ,no” the stoke had destroyed the left side of his brain, the cognitive side. I had to sign the paperwork for DNR and take him off life support. I was with him when he died, never having the chance to say goodbye. Shortly after the funeral came the panic attacks. I was diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety disorder. like others who have posted here, I received no support. It was like I fell off the earth myself as far as “friends”. Never heard from them after the funeral. My own family showed no support, only the cruel judgement of my grief. I need to fix myself, I’m too negative, it’s always about me, I need to pull myself out of it, we all have it tough, etc, etc, etc. I thought I was the only one who was being treated that way and I couldn’t fathom why. That’s how I found this site, by searching on abandonment after losing a spouse. It broke my heart even more and sickened me as I read so many posts from others who experienced the same treatment. Theres many more details to my story, but I’ve gone on long enough. Like the rest of you, I am broken and oh so lost, struggling each day, and so alone. May 25th is my beloved Michael’s birthday. He would have been 56 this year. This July will mark 2 years since he was ripped away from me and my life destroyed. My only real love and support come from my 2 dogs, which Michael and I went and picked out together as puppies a mere 10 months before he died. They loved him so too, and they too grieved when he didn’t come home anymore. Thanks for the opportunity to share a bit of my story. I wish peace and love to all who are suffering the loss of their loved ones.
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