DarrelW

In a few more days I will be dealing with another one of those darn triggers. Who besides me has thought about that one word---triggers---and how it has become such a big part of our lives now? I don't like these triggers, but I have no choice but to accept them. And to accept the fact that they always cause me to take that emotional roller coaster ride.The trigger this time is the 2 1/2 year date on my life calendar. This time the trigger date is June 29th. When that date gets here, it will mean that I had to make the conscious, intentional decision to put an end to my wife's misery and suffering and allow her to go be with God. By the morning of January 1, 2016 I could no longer ignore that ugly elephant in the room. My wife was not going to get better. Not that time. She had spent the last 6 months of her life completely miserable. Miserably cold every day. Cold because the temperature in the dialysis center was kept so cold. And also because her blood was colder when the dialysis machine returned it back into her frail body. And hungry all the time. Because she was never by then able to eat more than 1 or 2 bites of something---anything--- and then get nauseous and totally lose her appetite. When you adore your spouse as much as my wife and I love each other, it isn't fun to watch him/her slowly die and know there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. But even knowing all that, it was excruciatingly hard for me to say those necessary words out loud that I was required by Texas law to say in order for the ventilator to be turned off. I came very close to NOT being able to say it. I didn't want to give her up even though I knew it was the only right thing to do. She had suffered long enough. Her suffering ended 2 1/2 years ago. My suffering was just beginning then. Suffering with the loneliness and emptiness that is still part of my everyday existence now. I really don't mean to be feeling sorry for myself. She and I had such a beautiful, wonderful and perfect life together. And it's only because of that that I miss her so much now. Like the way night follows day. Some things are just inevitable So, a week from this Friday I will be enduring another trigger. That day will come and go. And then I will wait for the next trigger day. August 16th. Her birthday. Wife of mine, I start and end every day now loving you and missing you fiercely. We will be together again one of these days my dear. And it will be for eternity. Until that day comes, I will continue putting... one foot in front of the other.

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Cookie could plant a rose bush in cement and it would thrive. I can't even grow weeds. I wonder if me being a southpaw has anything to do with it? lol

Gosh, do I ever know what each of you are talking about. The things that I used to enjoy I don't even give a passing thought to now. The old me would have a radio or CD playing practically all the time. Not any more. I used to love to read. If you gave me a book as thick as War & Peace, I wouldn't be able to put it down until I finished it. In the past 2 1/2 years since Cookie died I have read 2 books, and I couldn't tell you what either one of them were even about if my life depended on it. Now I just go through the motions, and don't even do a very good job of that. There just doesn't seem to be much point to anything. Yesterday and today have been bad days for me, and I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself. My apologies folks. One foot in front of the other... Darrel

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