jc1030

Hello everyone, wishing you all a peaceful Christmas/Holiday time and hopefully a better new year. My Christmas card design for this year. The only painting I was able to do. Hopefully next year I will be able to resume my hobby. I have to admit I haven't been on here for a while. Earlier this year as I mentioned back in April my workplace returned to work and it's been busy and stressful. Unfortunately with the things I deal with and the people I have to handle, for them it was like kids entering the candy shop again. Frustrating that two years of COVID didn't teach these people a single thing acting like we're back to the good old days prior to 2020 so they think our work can be completed yesterday. I wish at this stage I could hang it up with this job. I've put in 30 years though in terms of retiring I still have a ways to go. Many people decided to either retire or move onto something else during the last two years. The estate process is still ongoing but I'm at the point where I accept it is what it is. Anything to do with dealing with government and legal processes will take time. So be it. Still kind of annoying nonetheless. Some positive notes for me. In October I took my first real vacation/trip in a few years. Of course it still felt a little weird to be in the airport and making sure to remind myself I've done some of these things before. It was just a domestic trip but nice to get out of the area even if it's just for a week. And for Thanksgiving I was once again invited back to the same home so more interaction with people. Well that's everything I can think of. Again wish everyone a peaceful holiday time; if only it didn't go by so quickly. For those who experienced loss this year, some semblance of happiness and normalcy will eventually return in time as you learn to adjust. Jeff

Yesterday I did something that for me was really sad and it may seem silly. For the past two years a Chinese tea shop that my mother loved buying from would periodically call her to let her know of new arrivals to the store. Usually it would be too late for me to answer. Finally they called again and I just happened to be near the phone (yes there's still a land line phone in the house; could never really get my mom to know how to use a cell phone). I finally answered and spoke with the store and in my broken mandarin I explained that my mom was gone and they can remove her phone number from their list; they expressed their sympathies. The house is full of tea that I'll be consuming. Like most things, my mom had a lot of things she would keep a supply of but barely use. It's from her upbringing to save and conserve from growing up in a country that witnessed war and unfortunately a civil war that she would have to flee from; kind of like the same mindset that generations that grew up during the Great Depression had. Once I start using up some of the supplies, maybe it will be my turn to have a relationship with the same shop. A little reminder for me of the things she used to like.

Ruby, I can only speak for myself of course, but I think I needed the social interaction especially after looking after my mother in the final months of her life, and doing this during COVID. During this time I hadn't really been connected with my friends other than occasional posts on social media. Fortunately they were all very understanding in what I've been going through. My mother's longtime friends helped as much as they could; they would periodically visit bringing food, and to give me a break even as my mother was getting weaker. After she died, I got together on occasion with a few of them. Today I have infrequent contact. I realize they have their own lives and it would be unrealistic for me to expect them to be around a but more because they were friends with my mom and not me. I could actually initiate more contact and give them a quick call just to see how they're doing; that's definitely something I need to work on a bit more. In her later years when she would be driving less and less she would ask me to take her to her favorite grocery stores and restaurants. Looking back those were enjoyable times. Now when I go to the same groceries or eat at one of the restaurants she liked there will always be the feeling of something missing. Someday I will adjust.

The first few months of the new year, I can't say things have gotten easier. As I'm approaching the two-year mark of my mother's passing, my mind is no longer on cruise control and I think it's been hitting me even harder and making me sadder. I think what has contributed to this is the fact that for the first time I'm dealing with my own taxes where it includes items that I inherited from my mother; and the additional taxes involved have made me anxious. With time I hope these will be issues that I can manage. I'll have to be able to deal with it since I have no choice. Some things around the house that have started to break down have also contributed to this anxiety; I'm thinking "Really life? You have to be this unforgiving?" Also, as our world is slowly returning to "normal" (whatever that means), I find that I am kind of resentful that most people around me can do that. Having had to be a caregiver during COVID, my thoughts are I know that I will never be able to go back to the life I had when my mother was still alive, and how dare everyone else being able to move forward. With all of the others in the world who lost loved ones during COVID, I have to think I'm not the only one who feels this way. One of my co-workers lost both of her parents within a week the beginning of last year. Like me she's an only child so she understands what it's like to be burdened with all of the legal matters and feeling overwhelmed. My office has finally officially returned to the workplace albeit on a very part-time basis. Some parts of my desk are still kind of frozen in time from when they started requiring us to work from home in March 2020. I'd have to say I have no problem returning to the office a few days as sometimes working from home can get a little stale. At the end of the work day I have to go out, even if it's to visit the same local shopping mall over and over again. The one thing I do miss is the commute of getting up from bed and walking down the stairs but I'll adjust again in time.

Yeah she organizes some of the local shows and her work will also turn up as well. Also I guess for me in lieu of not having any close family in the area I need as many close friends as I can now.

Yeah I look forward to painting more and hopefully start exhibiting once again in the local art shows. I've been thinking for a long time about maybe selling things on Etsy, or I'll just have more items to sell in the local shows. I was taking photos of the area back in the beginning of 2020 to get some painting ideas, but of course little did I know at the time my world would be completely turned upside down and still trying to recover to this day. The few cards I made of the snowman I made sure to send one to my longtime art teacher. She called me after receiving it and we had a good conversation as I hadn't spoken to her in a few months. She updated me on her life as she and her husband are getting older they are planning to move to a senior living center in the area because the place they have lived in for over 20 years does not have elevators. She doesn't know when she will resume her weekend art classes again and said once I start painting again I can email her a picture of my work so she can review it and let me know what I can do to improve it. She's definitely encouraging me to not only paint but to start living life again.

As 2021 winds down, I'm looking back at how things have gone with the first full year without my mom. I'd have to say I had my good days but I still have more not so good days. I guess the ongoing estate process is one of the reasons why I still feel sad especially when I have to deal with additional out of state issues. Just more time. Living back at home is still strange. When I wake up I want to think I will wake up to the sound of my parents and that I've awakened from the nightmare of the past two years but then real life and reality sets in and I realize that won't be the case. This year I'm still not really in the full holiday spirit as much as I love traveling around the area to see all of the Christmas decorations in the different neighborhoods. Hopefully next year will incrementally be a little better. However there are a few signs where things are little better. This past Thanksgiving I did go to an actual in-person get-together as my cousin came up to the area with her family to visit her in-laws and I was invited. I prepared my roast duck which she so looked forward to, and she took all of the leftovers because she enjoyed it so much!!! It was also nice to see her mother-in-law who is 96. Even though she's much slower and suffering from dementia you could still at least have a conversation with her. Also, her in-laws recently got some hired help and brought in the same lady that helped with my mom so she can assist her in bathing and do some housecleaning. The second big change this year was I finally picked up a brush for the first time in two years to do some watercolor painting again. A few friends encouraged me to resume painting again in order to channel my energy and grief. So I started really simple and began in time to create my Christmas card design which I have attached and hope you all will enjoy. I only made a few more but otherwise I decided it will be presented to my friends as virtual as many things seem to be in this modern day and age. As one of my friends said he was glad to see the inner snowman emerge from me. Maybe it is and I don't realize it that a part of me wants to continue to resume life again and return to as close the way things were as humanly possible. So I wish everyone a safe and peaceful Christmas/Holiday time, and can only hope that next year will get a little better. Jeff

I'm very sorry you're going through this. Last year my 85-year old mom died of ovarian cancer. Started exhibiting symptoms in January and then gone by the end of July; my first experience with cancer and I'm still so sad watching how it destroys the body and mind so quickly. I don't know if her doctor had ever advised her on getting checked through the years; I'll never know. She did not feel any pain, but she was confused, and then I had to deal with issues like swollen legs and weeping edema. I only had some hired help; I'm an only child with no family of my own and no other family where I live. During her doctor and hospital visits it was so painful to not being allowed to visit her because of COVID protocols; to think that she was all alone during this time. The whole experience also left me sad and angry and it still does. Sad to lose my mother this way, and angry to deal with the difficulties of caregiving during the perfect storm of COVID and not having any relatives to help me. I still second guess myself on what I should've done and how I should've dealt with certain situations even though people around have reassured me I did all I could do that was humanly possibly under the such terrible conditions. All I can advise you on at this point is to be gentle with yourself. I can only hope that others such as your friends will start to offer more help; if they do take full advantage of it. Jeff

I'm not sure if I have experienced any after death communications. When my father died 15 years ago, whenever I would visit home and check up on my mom there would be some familiar smells that I would sense out of nowhere that made me think is there a presence in the house. These would occur especially when I was having sad thoughts. Last summer my mother died of cancer, and after recently going through the one-year mark I've been extremely sad about the loss, undoubtedly because of the long and cumbersome estate process which has been wearing me down; being an only child it's completely my burden. One thing I've been noticing is the presence of cardinals that have been visiting. They visited the yard while I was caregiving, and I noticed one visiting the past few weeks especially when I was feeling at my lowest. I've read that when a cardinal visits you, they are supposed to be your loved ones who are either visiting you or they are messengers when you're in a time of need. I'm not sure whether to believe this, but I want to think this is true. Jeff

The last few weeks of my mother's life, she would frequently talk in her sleep. She would be talking to mainly relatives, mostly ones who have long departed. One day she was crying for her mom. It's like my relatives were preparing and getting her ready to depart this world. I still don't know whether to believe the spirit world or not, but there seems to be a lot of anecdotal evidence especially with all of the paranormal shows on tv. Maybe when it's my time I'll experience the same; whether I'll be worthy of being visited by my departed loved ones is another matter.

To the best of my knowledge I don't think I have any mental disorders, but the past year since my mother died I've been definitely feeling more anxious. I guess the reality that I'm alone where I live and the stress of dealing with all estate issues all by myself is probably the reason. I don't sleep well. I get the usual hours of sleep, but it's just not restful. I still keep reliving the experience of caregiving for her as I was doing it all by myself in the middle of the pandemic, and the resentment I feel from it especially of my friends and others around me who were all gungho about locking down and staying isolated; always very easy for them to say when they're not in this situation.

I sincerely hope so with the people around me. I also talk to my longtime watercolor painting teacher on occasion. Eventually I will start painting again and maybe I will get together with her and that social circle for other functions. There's one member of the support group that is sort of in a similar position like me, although in her case she's much younger and she lost both parents last year. On top of that her family situation is complicated and a bit of a mess and she doesn't get along with her siblings. After her mom died (her father died first), her siblings had a party without her which aggravated her (she's lives in this area while the rest of the family are down south). She mentioned before the end her mom sensed that this would happen with the family dynamics and in their conversations encouraged her to be strong and do her own thing. I think she mentioned both her parents were pastors so they were probably good in giving this kind of guidance. Fortunately I don't have this severe situation, but it's still a little hard to not have close family nearby; maybe I'm still resentful about not having any family helping me with the caregiving all because of the stupid virus. It just tells me I have to make sure to look out for myself even more.

This topic has definitely hit a nerve. With my mom's passing last year and my dad's passing 15 years ago, I'm here alone. Never married and no family. I have mainly friends here. I have some distant relatives (a cousin's husband's side of the family) who I'm not close to at least not yet. Who knows if any relatives might move into the area in the coming years. So it definitely makes me think what should I do. The bank where my mom had some accounts has been helping me in thinking about my financial future. And my estate attorney has talked to me about setting up a trust. As for my health, already dealing with some health issues but trying to switch to a healthier lifestyle. All of this is so overwhelming right now.

A few days ago was the one-year mark. To be honest I can't say things have really gotten better yet. I suppose the ongoing estate process is partly the reason I'm feeling this way, and of course the reality of both parents gone is the other. I'm not only thinking and reliving the nightmare that was the last months of my mother's life but also thinking of the memories in the house. This past week I was also dealing with my own medical treatments which added to the stress. Once in a while my mom's friends get in touch with me to see how I'm doing. Again I don't expect them to do it all the time since they have their own lives, but I hope I won't lose any contact with them. This past week I actually got calls from an aunt and uncle (two of my mom's younger siblings). They realize how hard it is for me to be by myself and dealing with all the legal estate issues alone and that they can only do so much since they're all getting up there in age. The one thing my uncle hopes I can do is maybe sometime next year I can visit California to finally bury my mom's ashes assuming things will no longer be insane out there with their COVID restrictions. We'll see. Also to be honest I'm still kind of ambivalent when it comes to my older relatives. A somewhat bright spot, at the beginning of June I actually "reunited" (virtually of course) with the members of the support group I was part of. When the six-week support group ended we told the organizers we'd like each other's emails so we can stay in touch so that's how we were able to organize this. I was actually really happy to see them, and really sad when the meeting ended. One of the members had a zoom account, and the meeting was short since it's a free account but we had quick updates on what's been going with ourselves on since our support group ended. I think we may have another reunion in the near future. About a month ago I finally invited my friends to the house for the first time. It was somewhat rushed because one friend was about to move out west. I gave them the tour. This is a start to hopefully more visits from many people whether it's friends or when any of my relatives would like to finally decide they'd like to visit.

Hello friends, it's been a few months since I last posted anything. As the weather is getting warmer my mood is lifting a little bit and I look forward to doing more activities outside of the home. The estate process is still going on, slow as molasses. Of course governments can always use COVID as the reason things haven't gotten done whereas we regular people can't especially when you owe some taxes in which case the government expects you to pay it on time no excuses. Typical. Last week I actually completed a six-week support group organized by the local hospice organization. About two months ago, I actually began to experience some tremendous sadness. It was a combination of the stress of the estate process, other things happening, and then there was a weekend where the weather was super dreary and that's what triggered the sadness. So I signed up with the support group and I have to say it was very helpful. Of course it was all online this time, but I got to speak with and listen to others who also went through loss the past year. It was cathartic to talk about what I went through and how I felt about the experience, and to realize that I am not alone. Some in the group lost both of their parents last year. Two participants dropped out in the first two weeks as it was too much for them. Two of the participants were in their 20s and I felt so bad for them that they lost a parent so soon. In the end one of the participants actually commended me for joining as I was the only guy. Makes sense since most guys usually don't like to open up. When the final session was over I was actually sad. As the year moves forward I'm thinking of things I'd like to do with my parents' house. I'll probably just tweak a few things but otherwise not much inside will change. Since it's just me it's not like I need to change it for anyone else. Hopefully I will begin to make the home welcoming to my friends like the way my mom made it for hers for so long. Jeff