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sufferindon

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About sufferindon

  • Birthday 07/17/1956

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    azguy472
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  • Location (city, state)
    Glendale AZ

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  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
    Hospice of The Valley Phoenix AZ

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  1. Dear friends I'm sorry for the reason your here. My passed away exactly 5 month ago today. She took her last breath at 12:30 PM. I'm trully greatfull for hopsice of the valley to be there for us to let that happen. if she was in the hospital that would not of happened. they would have me too leave so they could try and revive her. But I knew in my heart that her fight with complications from diabetes was comming to an end and that she was going to home to be with God. No more loosing legs or other limbs. No more Dialysis. She is in no more pain. So today as I reflect on our time together. I wish I would have had more time to spend with her. 4 and years is not that long. But She was my life my wife.my world. I have not worked since 12/28/03. Today on the 5 month anniversary I got a job. Praise the Lord. I won't be making much money. But today for me there is more important things in life then money. I have my health. my blood sugars have never been better in the morning. I now at look at my life as starting over. I'm starting from scratch. I know I won't for get my Rhonda. But I will see her again. Now it's time for me to start living my new life with out her. To tell you the truth it scares me to death. But with God I know nothing else can happen to me that will cause me pain like the pain I have experienced with the loss of my wife. Today I can't explain the peace I have. but it's there. I know I will have to sell our house. But it's just a house. i can get another place to live. I also know there will not be another Rhonda. but i'm not looking to replace her. but soon I want to start dating again. I am very lonely. I hope this helps a few of you.I wish you all the best on your journey through your grief.
  2. Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. And it's so recent. I feel your pain. I lost the love of my life on 1/14/04. from complications to diabetes. She went into the hospital in November on the 21st. Came home to live her last hours on 1/13/04. Passed away on 1/14/04 at 12:30 PM. I know the guilt thing. I blamed my self for the first 9 weeks. Me not reconizing that she was not well and making her go to the hospital sooner. if I did then maybe perhaps she would still be here with me. But for me I had to really take a close look at how my wife would spend each of her days. I believe this was God's way of showing me it was not my fault. She had instage kidney failure. She would go to dialysis 3 time a week for a 3 hour session. She would come and be wiped out. for the rest of the day. And that was ok by me. She also lost her right leg below the knee in 2001. We were married in August of 2000. The she had suffered the pain she endured during this time was hard for me but her out look life was unbeliveable. She never gave up. Which was encouraging fo rme and others around her. When I first saw her that morning in the ER. I knew her time was almost done. But she got better then would get worse again . She lost her left leg in Dec. this time it was up almost too her hip. but poor circulation took it's coarse and the infection spread through her body quickly. I am very thankfull for Hospice, They were great and still are. I call my breavement worker on a weekly basis. It's been over 3 month now. I know in my heart my wife is in a better place. No more dialysis. No more getting legs amputated. No more hospital visits because of penpmnioa os diabetic comas. Life is not any better but it's very different. The normal life I had before with my wife is no longer there. But life must go on. I will have to create a new normal now. it hurts like hell. I miss Rhonda so much. She was only 46. I wish you the best. Post often here. Talk to as many people who will listen about your story. The more you talk about it the better you will start to feel. Take care of your self. Be gentle eat and rest when you can. Don
  3. Good morning. Thanks for reading this. I'm not even sure how too start this. So here it goes.. My wife passed away on 1/14/04. She went into the hospital on 11/21/03. Never to return home or to a normal life that we both once knew. She spent Thanksgiving, Christmas,Newyears Eve and New Years day in hospital. I was with her on each of these days but she was not in her right mind. Due to the medications and the infections she had in side of her. She knew who I was and others but really had no cluse where or why she was where she was at. That was a blessing. So I have been on this ride called grief and suffering for about 12 weeks. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through my entire life. I have joined or I should say been attending 2 Hospice groups here in the valley. And each has helped in their own specail way. My first brick wall I ran into was the day I was suppose to return too work after my wife had died. I had not worked since the 28th of December 2003. So I wanted to return on the 26th Of January. every thing seemed pretty normal that morning. But when it came time for me to walk out the door. I lost it. I don't ever remember crying that hard in my whole life.I was frozen in time. I could not move. I had no idea what I was going through or what I was experiecing. I thought I was going insane.Then I remembered that hospice of the Valley had left some phone numbers for me too call in case I needed help. This was a time where I really needed help. This was the hardest call I ever had to make. Trust me I had to make several in my life but this was the first time I really needed help. And I got a nice lady who took down my name and number and some one would all me back. They did a few days later. Oh well but they sent a counsler to my house to see me and that really helped. since then my life has been a bumpy and curvy down hill and up hill climb. But I have been doing pretty well. I have a new job that has a slow start. But at least i'm starting to pay some bills now. And I felt as though the numbing has subsided a little. That was up untill. Yesterday morning. I felt ok not really thinking about Easter or any thing. Then I read a post on another grief site and a guy who was new told the almost the same story as mine. Of course I had to reply and show him the simularities. By the time I was half way through I was crying as hard as I did back on January 26,2004. I kept asking my self why why? Then it hit me. This will be the first major holiday with out my sweet Rhonda.Now I miss her more then ever. Because of my relgious beliefs this is a major Holiday and was a major holiday for us. But to day I feel so much better then I did yesterday. Although i did not sleep that great I still feel pretty well. I sure hope the next holiday that comes along which for us will be my birthday and then our wedding Anniversary which is 8/25. So I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep reminding myself that this is a journey of healing. I need to keep moving forward. One step at a time. Even if they are small steps these are steps I must take. Thanks for reading... Please feel too respond. I enjoy feed back. Don
  4. How I miss the woman I love. I still remember the first time I met her. Which was on August 27,1999 here was a lady with the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. I saw her sitting in her wheel chair, But that did not matter. I had already been talking to her for a few weeks before we met. So i knew all of her ailments and disabilities. But none of that mattered. Even though she was disabled her out look on life was utterly amazing. It made realize how small my own problems were. She lived each day like it were last. Not only was she a huge inspiratioin to me. She was my best freind. I could not wait to see her when we were apart. We were married on August 25 2000. What a great day that was. It was a very small and intimate wedding. i don't think there was a dry eye in the church. Each day I got too spend with her was a blessing. I thank God foreach one of those days. Even though there was not eneogh of them. Rhonda you were the true meaning of life and not too give up no matter what hand you were given in life live life to the fullest. She went to heaven on 1/14/04 at 12:30 PM. she went peacefully in my arms. Now Rhonda as I start to put my life back together in remembrance of you. You still give me hope and inspiration to keep living life to the fullest. I will always love you and remember you. Your loving Husband......Don
  5. hello and thanks giving the time and space to write. Well this starts week 9. And I am still here and working through my grief. I still can't thank Hospice Of the valley enough. They have ben a total God Send. Yesterday I was dusting off the computer desk and came across 2 books I had bought when my wife was in the hospital at St. Joes. I was out walking one day down town phoenix and came across this little christian book store. I went in and found 2 books on dealing with grief and loss. my wife was still a live at this point And I am not sure if death was even in the picture yet. All I know at this point in my grieving is that God had numbed me from the day she passed away untill just a few days ago. Any how I picked up this book called "Good Grief" it talks about the different stages of grief that people go through. And low and behold I realized I am normal. The feelings and emotions I have been going through are completly normal. Sheeew what a relief. I start my new job this week and can't wait to ge back into the swing of things. I have not worked since the 28th of December 2003. It has been by the grace of God that I have survived financially. my wife was to ill to get any type of life insurance and I used all my 401 K on medical bills. So now I am really starting over. The funny thing is that I am not even concerned about any thing now as far as my finances go. I feel as though I have had a real break through on my healing process. I know longer have the vision of seeing my wife laying dead on the hopital bed in our living room. Now I have the memories of our wedding and the memories we created together. A few weeks ago I took my father -in-laws advice and sold all the things we had bought to gether. bed room set and dining room set. along with other things I felt I did not need any more like her electric wheel chair. Now I feel as though I can start living again. I still have her ashes sitting on my counter in the dining room. not sure what I am going to do with them yet. We never discused that. Just that she wanted to be creamated. but the time will come and I will know what to with them. She was confined to a wheel chair the last 6 years of her life, so perhaps I will hike somewhere in the mountains and spread them there. i'll ask her son to go with me. That might be a good idea. Thanks for reading and please feel to respond. I always appreciate what others have to say and offer words of encouragement. Good bye for now Don
  6. Hi MBK. So sorry for your loss. This site ahs helped me through some of the worst days of my life. I lost my wife on 1/14/04. She had diabetes. Went into the hospital in November for symtoms of what they did not know. 3 months later she is now gone from sight. I feel as though I can not go on. But at the same time I know in my heart she would want me too. I am unemployed at this time. But I know God will come through for me like he aways does. The only really good advice I can give you at this time is too keep taking to people post on this site and others. There is a lot of support out there let thrm help you through this. Post often don't keep anything in. If your like me there is not one day that goes by with me crying and missing my wife so much. But today is the 7th week to the day that she left this earth. The pain is still so fresh and raw, but I tell others how I feel, either by posting heer or other sites and read what others have posted. Another good site is www.groww.com they have chat rooms as well. and that helps me. Aslo www.healingafterloss.org Take care remember to breath and eat and try and sleep....Don
  7. Hi it's me again. But I have to get this off my mind. I still am feeeling very numb. I still am hurting and it's going on the 7th week.I hope it gets easier . I still have not found a job. But I feel ones getting close. It's very strange I am so at peace about this. So I know God is at work in my life. I just wish he was at work in my step daughter's life. She won't call me or let me talk to my step son. I have this sad feeling she does not have him anymore that CPS has taken him out of her care. For his sake I hope so. Before my wife went into the hospital she suspected she was on drugs again. But for me all I can do now is Pray fro the both of them. well I have done eneough complaining for now. Take care and God bless all of you. Thanks for being here. Don
  8. hi and thanks for reading this. Like i posted before My wife passed away on 1/14/04. I am so greatfull for Hospice of the Valley. I would not be where I am today with grief and loss as I am today. Yesterday I went through some more of my wifes belongings. I am not sure if I mentioned this before so sorry for reapting my self. My and wife and I sepperated in the last part of September in 2003. We were just getting back on track when she went in the hospital on Nov, 21 2003. For diabetic coma her enzimes in her liver were elevated in the 1000's when normal is in the low 100's. Any how I 'm working through this gulit that if I would of been there more for her I would of seen her illness comming on and took her to the hospital my self be for her condition got worse. But being the self centered jerk I am. I did not see this comming. Any how I went to her apartment yesterday and brought her electric wheel chair home so I can itmready to sell or give away. Which ever God will ahve me do. Any how I went through some more of her boxes. I found her glucose monitor. I opened it up. and looked at her log book. Her last date for checking her sugars was in July. I lost it, Still feel very gulity now for not paying closer atttention to my wife and her medical. Man i can sure beat my self up over this. And I thought I was getting better? What a joke. Now insted of feeling sorry formy self now I am blaming my self. I wonder what is next? I did not feel this way before i was writing but now the tears are really flowing. God why I am feeling this way. I kow it's not my fault. Or is it? Man the pain is still so fresh and now this blaming thing is going on. when will it all end? I know I will always miss her and she will have a specail place in my heart for the rest of my life. But this has got to get easier. It has too. Don
  9. hi Not sure what i'm feeling today I just know the numbness is starting to be better then it used to be. It's only been 4 weeks since my passed away. But I feel as though God is giving me the strenght to move ahead. Yesterday a neighbor kid came to the door looking for my step son. I had to explain to her that his mom my wife has passed away and he does not live here any more. At first i was upset thiswas afte she had left, but then realized she had no idea. I felt god about the way i handled my self. Then later on that night I got phone call from a business looking for my wife and I had to inform them that she had passed away. Last week i think I could of not handled this very well but today I can talk about it freely. I still cry and I miss her with all my heart. I just hope this means that I am beginning to heal. I am going to my first group meeting tomorrow with Hospice of the Valley. So we shall see how that goes. Thanks for listening or reading. Don
  10. Hi Don here, Today I am having one of the worst days yet. I am not sure why. I woke up this morning feeling wiped out. I slept ok so i know i'm not tired. I woke up and made coffee like always do then out of know where came the tears. I consider my self a tough skinned guy. I know it's ok too cry but not sure why I creid and like it happened four or five times today. Yestersday was good day I got alot done, but today I feel like i took 3 steps back insted of moving foreward. Is this normal? I also need to find a job and I kow that has been on my mind alot as well. I'm tryng to take it easy and be good to my self. But I miss my wife so much. I will appreciate all feed back thanks. Don
  11. Hi My name is Don and I am new too this site. Hospice of the Valley Gave me this web site And I am greatful. My wife passed away on January 14,2004 at 12:30 PM. I am a loss for words now I have so many emotions flowing through my body and my mind. My wife suffered from Diabetse She went into the hospital on November 21 and returned home to live out her last hours.On January 13 2004. I am thankful for the fact that as she took her last breath I was able to hold her hand and let her know I loved her.Even as I am writing this tears are rolling down my cheeks, I can't ever remember crying this much. God how I miss my wife. It hurts so much I have not been able too return to work and my boss does not under stand his reply to me was shes gone put it behind you anf move on. Yea right! He has no idea how much I loved Rhonda and how deeply saddened that she is gone. I have learned this much about grieving that it is a process and everyone is different about they go through it. I know in my mind and my heart that I have to get though this thast because Rhonda wouls want me too. I also have bills to pay and have to eat. I am just so greatful that I don't have do this alone. I have web sires as this one and there are groups I can go too. And there is God Who has me in grasp now moer then ever as I am wrting this. Well I have taken up enough time and space for now. Thanks for being here. Don
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