Steven

Hi Mary, Forgive me if I've missed something critical from a previous posting--I do not read or post often any longer. Have you considered trying out "Mary and the Voice" online? Maybe a short blog that touches on some of the things that you covered in your publication? Something that would wean you off rather than quitting cold turkey? Anyhoo, just an idea to consider...or not . ~ Steve

Yikes! I completely forgot to leave the URL of the site I mentioned below with the applications. Here's the link. Good and helpful post, widower. There's an application (available for win/mac/iphone and in browser) that might be of use to you. On the right side of the page, there's a section that reads "WHY WOULD I USE A MOOD CHART?" While we're all quite sure of why we are feeling sad, grief, depressed, this app might help some. Their description: "...designed to help you increase your understanding of all the things that affect your mental health. The apps act as a springboard to detect patterns in your health and develop strategies to proactively manage depression, bipolar disorder, and other mental health conditions." I do hope this helps someone. ~ S

Hi Anne, That's a very cute pic. Thanks for sharing. I've attached your photo resized--I hope it works for you. ~ Steve

Carol Ann, Your courage goes well beyond what anyone could expect from anyone, especially one with your incredibly difficult past. Your wife Melissa would be so proud to see the masterpiece you are working on assembling from the disorder your life was left in through no fault of your own. Your message of hope, compassion, and heart have been a real help to me, and your diligence in pursuing your abusive therapist despite all that has happened places you in a very rare space. That you refused to be pushed aside in your quest to keep her from being a danger to others is fantastic. If I could stand with you in court, Carol Ann, I would. I hope you know that I will be there for you in heart. YCF ~ Steve "The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it." ~ Thucydides

I see big pluses here: • You could easily, at 8 PM, have put off action to get out of the house for another time. You didn't. • You went to a place that you likely visited with Sally--probably not so easy. • You did not drive under the influence & put anyone else at risk. Of course, going to a bar does not require drinking--if it does, bars just might be places to avoid. One of my best friends was an alcoholic, and I just refused to drink with him when we learned of his alcoholism. If it's possible that drinking to dull your feelings could get out of hand for you, it looks like you've thought of a solution for that as well--a Karaoke party at your home. Sounds great--we play RockBand and I agree that it's waaaay more fun than I would have thought before trying it. Congrats on taking action, having a learning experience (in my opinion), and not abandoning something that makes you happy. Not a failure.

Wow. It's rare to read poetry with such intensity. Just beautiful. Thank you for posting that. It was: Sonnet XCIV, by Pablo Neruda

What's the good word, Carol Ann? I hope it was a positive experience today! ~ Steve

Congratulation on being such a progressive, positive part of Arizona! ~ Steve

We all know why, of course...it was terrible because your Mom died recently and you miss her--that's completely natural, Cat_Lady. Transitioning from the Mom who lived a phone call away to the one who resides in your heart takes some time, but it will happen. Because you've decided not to talk about this with your daughter, and your husband doesn't have the words or temperament, have you considered a support group or therapy? In retrospect, I should have gone to a counselor far sooner than I did, so it's something I recommend to anyone dealing with grief. If you're open to the idea, I hope it's something that is an option for you, Cat_Lady. ~ Steve

Hello hello123, Every relationship has its pros and cons. You mention that she was a good friend, but clearly is not empathetic with your great loss. ..."don't you think I know how you feel," indicates that either she does not know how you feel, is simply not equipped emotionally to help you with your grief, or could have a completely different scale of pain and loss than you do. There are a small percentage of people who just cannot empathize. Your friend might have shown many instances of great, caring response, and this one glaring example of unskilled response is out of character for her. Only you know why you consider her a good friend. We have only this one example that obviously isn't a positive one. If you both are very young, it's possible that she is just inexperienced in dealing with emotional issues, hasn't had good examples to follow and doesn't know how to deal. Not everybody is a great communicator. Everyone isn't good at expressing sympathy. Comparing pain is a zero sum game, but it does seem your friend is in the clueless column on this one. If you're not comfortable educating her, or if you can't discuss this with your friend, then it seems your choices are limited and clear. So, in answer to your question… This is obviously distressing to you, so it seems from here that you can either discuss it with her, or even write a careful, caring note if you think it a better approach--one which will avoid a confrontation, or one you're more comfortable with, or let this be something you don't discuss with your friend. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. I hope you're able to work this out with your friend. ~ Steve

Tony, What a nice gesture, and beautiful, generous way to memorialize your grandmother. You've done a great job with the site and I'm sure many will appreciate all the love and effort you've put into it. Carol Ann, Your feelings do not seem overly sensitive at all; I'm certain we all understand why you feel as you do. My thoughts and positive energy to you during this particularly difficult time of year for you. You're a miracle in your own right. ~ Steve

Hi Melina, I wanted to add my support for you staying. Sometimes I'm not sure I should post about still hitting a low sometimes even 5 years post my wife's death--I don't want anyone to think that six months after the death of a loved one, that it could still be going on just as bad four years later! It does hurt still, but it does change. Of course loss is still no fun, but it is now bearable and I do have fun these days. Hang in, type out how you're feeling and dealing here, and it may help. It surely won't hurt, and you'll likely get some feedback that will help or let you know that others understand and empathize. Hope and optimism are nice components of these forums, but they are only part of the reasons for coming here. Having people that know, people that care, and people that will listen, are other good components, and I think good reasons for you to continue to share your voice here. I hope to see your name here when you dry up--and in the days leading to that day. ~ Steve

You're very welcome--I'm glad you like the song too.

Hi Perkins, I have just a couple minutes until I have to run out, but wanted to voice my support for you and offer an opinion on how your friends and family are handling things with you. First, I am glad that you are able to enjoy the company of someone who is able to make you smile. You already know that your husband would want this for you, so, as you've stated, the problem doesn't lie with inner turmoil, but instead with the turmoil others are creating. For what it's worth, I think not matter how things eventually go, you will never regret taking the high road in this situation. No doubt, everyone who was friends with you and Jeff, and especially family members, are still dealing with Jeff's death. As you mentioned, people react in wildly different ways in grief, and while some of the people in your life are not yet open to the idea of you having someone new in your life, and are not handling it as we wish people would, I don't believe it equates to them not being your friend, family member, or wanting happiness for you. While it is true that effectively, their actions are impeding your happiness, I believe it highly unlikely that is their end goal. Not everyone is good at grief, and I speak as someone in that group--my recovery at losing my wife will be measured in geologic time. I know beyond a doubt that my Tanya would want nothing more than my happiness and for me to find someone to share my life with--that's the intellectual take. My internal wiring makes me feel like I'm cheating, being disloyal, etc., even though I know intellectually this is not true. I don't hold anyone else to this standard, so I don't know why my brain is holding me hostage. You know the friends and family that are causing you distress, so only you can determine whether or not their actions are directed at you because they're unconcerned about your happiness, or whether they are having trouble processing Jeff's death as it relates to you as a couple. It could also be cultural dogma that insists you wait a certain amount of time before removing your black veil. These sorts of things are part of our history, and consequently are part of our internal wiring--some more than others. If you are gentler with your friends and family than they're being with you, it could pay lifelong dividends. I hope this helps a little--gotta run! ~ Steve