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Everything posted by MartyT

  1. Oh Kevin, I'm so sorry. Of course you feel sad, as well as relieved. Your kitty has been with you for a very long time, and undoubtedly a constant and well-loved companion. Do allow yourself to mourn the loss of him. It is a testament to the love you shared with him. ♥
  2. Poetry

    R.L. Nona is identified as the person who wrote it, Kay.
  3. Poetry

    INSPIRATIONAL WEEKLY Grief Poem 124 Dayenu by R.L. Nona If we had been given one more year to watch the sun set on the far mountains, float on our backs in salt ponds shaded by ancient willows that protest the weight of their leaves, and hold each other close as the seasons cycle. First in the lush sensual green of a damp summer, I stare into your sunglasses and see the blood orange rainbow of fall, and in winter our sleigh tracks lazy curves and the dogs complain as they sink knee deep and can't keep up. It is spring and the earth explodes with flower and fruit, And we lie in the grass dripping early juices into our mouths to the whine of hornets that never touch us for a force field of love protects us. If we had been given one more year It would have been enough. If we had been given one more month it would have to be July we would watch the moon shape shift on the still surface of the pond, and we would rise early and never sleep for the days are so long, the sky so blue, and the earth warm and fecund. We climb trails and the deer are amazed by our audacity, Who are we to intrude? they wonder aloud. Ignoring them, we climb higher until we find the blue stream whose waters taste like honey. If we had been given one more month It would have been enough. If we had been given one more week, we'd all lay in our big bed the children between us telling them over and over that all would be well until they pretended to believe it and went about their lives sharing our lie. then we would drive all day and night until we found the perfect beach and no matter what time of year, the water would be clear and warm and we would snorkel among the coral petting the puppy dog Grouper who followed us. After the sun would set with a green flash we would dance every step we ever learned for hours as diamond encrusted skies spiraled above us, and never sleep--there would be time enough for that later. If we had been given one more week It would have been enough. If we had been given one more day we would spend it in each other's arms and recount every moment of our lives together and take comfort in what we had been gifted and as the sun set our tears would flow together and we would smile through them and our lips would touch. If we had been given one more day It would have been enough. If had been given one more minute, just one, I would look into your eyes and my soul would jump the space between us and I would live forever inside your heart and we would be one spirit forever. If we had been given one more minute It would have been enough.
  4. From The University of Arizona: March 16, 2018 Study on Emotion Regulation and Social Support We are interested in how close friends and family may help individuals cope with their grief after the death of a loved one. We are recruiting adults aged 18 years or older, who have experienced the death of a loved one. In this study, you would participate in an online survey. The anonymous survey includes questions about your close friends and family, as well as your thinking, feelings, health, and behaviors. The survey is entirely online, so no campus visits are necessary and you can participate from anywhere in the country. If you would like to participate, you can directly access the survey by clicking on https://uarizona.grief or by pasting the following link into your browser's address bar: https://uarizona.co1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_85MuunavEgJQ0kt . As part of the study, you will also have the chance to win one of five Kindle Fires. If you think you would like more information, or have questions about the study, please call 520-626-5383 or toll free 1-877-518-4630. Or you can email, Eva-Maria Stelzer (stelzeea@email.arizona.edu). An Institutional Review Board responsible for human subjects research at The University of Arizona reviewed this research project and found it to be acceptable. We thank you for your willingness to help us understand the experience of grief and to advance science!
  5. Katie, I'm so sorry. One unbearable loss after another. Too much. Way too much. My thoughts and prayers are with you . . .
  6. Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    Your love story is one for the ages, Steve ~ and it warms my heart ♥
  7. Steph, several of our members have experienced what we would consider ADC's (After-Death Communications). In addition to the responses you'll receive from our members, you may find this article to be of interest. Notice, too, the links to additional resources at its base: Voices of Experience: Death of a Friend and the Lesson of Feathers
  8. Maui Pasta Arizona made it at last

    And I DO notice the beautiful painting on the wall
  9. Karen, dear one ~ what Anne said! Feel better soon!
  10. Tony, my dear, my heart reaches out to you in your pain. Sad to say, it's often around the six-months point that we are hit with the full force of our loss, because all that initial shock and numbness that Nature provides in the face of significant loss has worn off by now. I say this just to assure you that what you are experiencing right now is normal. That is not to say that it is easy ~ far from it. It just helps to know sometimes that whatever you are thinking and feeling in grief is normal and there is nothing wrong with you. I want to point you to a couple of resources that you may find helpful, if you don't already know about them: Legacy Connect - Support for those who have lost partners Book, Partnered Grief: When Gay and Lesbian Partners Grieve Article: Lesbian Widow Finds No Support in Group - Contains links to other resources
  11. Clearly your grief following Tom's death was disenfranchised by your step-children, Lainey, which is yet another big difference from the grief you've experienced with Lars. That adds yet another layer that makes this time seem even more difficult. Disenfranchised Grief is what grief expert Ken Doka describes as Hidden Sorrow. Because your role in Tom's life was unacknowledged and/or minimized by his children, you were left out of any funeral planning, barely mentioned in his obituary, and left in isolation because you cannot share your pain with them. I hope you have friends and family members of your own who will be there for you in ways you need and deserve. At the very least, give yourself time to mourn this heavy loss, without comparing it to any other ~ and give yourself credit for reaching out to us again. We will walk with you just as long as you need and want us to be here for you. ♥
  12. Nightmares

    Exactly, my friend. The effort you're exerting to keep from thinking about what happened might be better spent in facing the reality of it. I suspect this explains why your unconscious mind is doing its best to process your mother's death as you sleep and dream. Nature has a way of forcing us to accept reality, whether we want to face it or not. You might consider one or more of Belleruth Naperstek's recorded guided imagery CDs as a relatively inexpensive and convenient way of Getting Rid of Those Pesky Repeating Nightmares. Certainly worth a try ~ Don't you think? ♥
  13. Heartbroken how do i carry on

    Dear one, all I can tell you is that you're feeling this much pain because it's directly related to how very much you love your animal companion. We do not grieve for those we do not love ~ and the more we love, the harder we grieve. We (fellow animal lovers whose animal companions have died) all know how much this hurts, and right now I encourage you to lean into the pain and know that it's okay to feel whatever you are feeling. I've yet to meet a bereaved animal lover who didn't feel guilty in the wake of making the euthanasia decision ~ but it is a choice we make when we love enough to put our animal's needs above our own. We choose to exchange their suffering for our own. We let them go, and then our suffering begins. There is no greater love than that. Please be patient with yourself. And learn something about what is normal and to be expected when we lose an animal we love so much. See, for example, Pet Loss: Is It a Different Kind of Grief? Common Myths, Misconceptions about Pet Loss Guilt In The Wake of A Euthanasia Decision Is Pet Loss Comparable to Loss of a Loved One?
  14. Nightmares

    My dear, you may find this article helpful: Nightmares and Bad Dreams in Grief ♥
  15. We're all thinking of you and pulling for you, dear Karen. ♥
  16. Katie, my dear, my heart reaches out to you and Allen in your pain and sorrow. The losses you've endured are beyond measure, and I am so sorry. I know that you and Allen have been in counseling, so I assume you already know that everyone deals with grief in his or her own unique way, and what you describe as Allen's "trying to fix things" may be one way he is trying to cope. As I've written in my post How We Mourn: Understanding Our Differences, Like everyone else in our Western culture, men are saddled with certain sex role stereotypes. Real men are supposed to be tough, confident, rational and in control, not only of themselves but of situations as well. Real men don’t cry, aren’t afraid of anything and would never be caught asking for directions, let alone for help. Real men know exactly what to do in a crisis, and they’re strong enough to support the rest of the family, too. If they cry or otherwise express their emotions, such behaviors are considered to be signs of weakness. Add to these stereotypes the assumption that, if a man’s grief doesn’t show or he doesn’t express thoughts and feelings of grief the same way a woman ordinarily does (by crying or by openly sharing with others, for example), then he must not be grieving at all. In general, men are more often instrumental mourners. When men suffer the loss of a loved one they tend to put their feelings into action, experiencing their grief physically rather than emotionally. They deal with their loss by focusing on goal-oriented activities which activate thinking, doing and acting. Rather than endlessly talking about or crying over the person who died, for example, a man may throw himself into time-limited tasks such as planting a memorial garden or writing a poem or a eulogy. Such activities give a man not only a sense of potency and accomplishment as he enters his grief, but also a means of escaping it when the task is done. If a man relates the details of his loss to his closest male friends, it’s likely to be around activities like hunting, fishing, sporting events and card games. Although a man may let himself cry in his grief, he’ll usually do it alone, in secret or in the dark. When both of you are mourning such overwhelming losses, it can be difficult to turn to each other for the comfort and support you each need and deserve. I hope with all my heart that you have someone outside your circle who can fill that role. Of course we're all here for you and Allen, and will continue to be ~ but you both need and deserve so much more than that. ♥
  17. We're all so sorry to learn of this most recent loss, dear Lainey. I know it cannot compare to having your beloved there with you, but I hope you can feel our collective arms around you, in sympathy and support. ♥
  18. Subject:FEEDBACK-WHAT DO YOU THINK? April ELetter-Wings From: Nan Zastrow <nan.wings1@gmail.com> Date: Wed, Mar 7, 2018 4:13 pm WHAT DO YOU THINK? Who is your Friend in Grief? When loss has entered our lives, friendships often change. Words often fail. Friends may feel that they will say or do the wrong thing, so they do nothing at all. Those we expect to support us may not know how. And sometimes, an acquaintance steps up and does everything right. We’d like to know about your special friend (s) in grief and how they were there when you needed them the most. Describe your “ friend in grief”. What made him/her so special? How did he/she companion you when you felt great sadness? What qualities exemplify a “friend in grief”? Please send your feedback to nanwings1@gmail.com Entries will be accepted until March 26th for publication in the next eLetter (April 2018). -- Nan & Gary Zastrow the founders of: wingsgrief.orgWings--a Grief Education Ministry Visit Wings on FACEBOOK website: wingsgrief.org
  19. Beautifully written, dear Mitch. My heart hurts with you and for you . . . ♥
  20. Widowers face a variety of challenges that are often overlooked. Among them can be the daunting task of transitioning to a new life after the loss of a spouse or partner. Although it might not be considered heroic, it certainly takes a good deal of courage to persevere. The National Widowers’ Organization is supporting a request for volunteers who might want to help others learn about this. David Swanson, produces the Everyday Bravery podcast from Prudential, telling all about everyday acts of bravery from real people who are trying to overcome some challenge in their life. For an upcoming episode, he is hoping to talk to someone who has lost their partner and is working up the courage to go on their first date since their partner's passing. It could be someone who is recently widowed or lost their partner a long time ago. If you're interested in sharing your story, please email him at david.swanson@pacific-content.com so we can arrange a time to chat on the phone so he can learn about your story and answer any questions you might have about the podcast. If you'd like to listen to previous episodes of the show, please visit: everydaybravery.com. Thank you
  21. Mom passed away march the 4th.

    I agree with all that Sweetwater has said to you, Louis, and I hope you will take her sound advice to heart. Coming here is fine, as we will offer all the information, comfort and support we can give to you, but given your own health history, I don't think this alone will be enough to meet your needs. I also want to suggest to you that the best way you can demonstrate the love you have for your mom is to live a good life in her honor. Believe that her love is with you still, and let that love be her lasting legacy to you. ♥
  22. I'm so sorry to learn that you're still not where you want to be following your knee surgery, Cookie. I know it's tough to keep moving, most especially when you must be your own cheerleader. I hope it helps to know that we're all thinking of you, and sending healing thoughts to you ♥