clrw

I think in these sort of situations, there is no right answer. No matter what, I think we feel guilt. My father died in front of me... practically in our arms and to this day I can't help but wonder what I could have done different? What if I had said something, when I'd noticed he wasn't looking well? what if what if? I say this not to diminish your feelings - I truly feel sorry for you and wish that you were not required to go through this situation. I hope you can find a way to heal & come to the understanding that it was not your fault. You were doing your best to help your mom... Take care.

Thank you Only Child - I will be sure to check your post... you have found a wonderful site to come and express yourself. It's a relief to have people who understand what you are going through & how you are feeling... I hope you find it as helpful as I have.

I am so sorry for you Shell - you have been a wonderful help to me... I hope that I can reciprocate in some manner...

Shell, That's a wonderful way to think about it... thank you for sharing that chris

Thank you Shell... I find it almost mystifying how a song can bring back a rush of memories... I have this quote in my bedroom about how life is full of memories & how sometimes it's all we have that will last... I read that & think of dad... I have a tonne of wonderful memories

It is astonishing to think of how far we've come... each bad day I get through, I marvel at my ability to do so. You just look back and think: "wow, how did that happen?"... I'm sorry for your pain & I wish I could say "it'll get better"... (I'm sure it will... I'm just not at that *point* yet)

Yes, that is a good one... or "I want you to live" by George Canyon. If I'm having a particularly bad day - I put that one on (bawl my eyes out) and afterwards I feel better... dunno why or how... it's almost as if my dad is talking to me

DawnG.... You were helpful - you let me know that I'm not alone... and at times like this, I think that's all we can hope for. I don't think any of us have "answers" (at least not answering what we are *really* asking), so all we can do is talk to each other... take advice from each other & know that we are not alone. And for that, I thank you... I am so sorry about your mom, and I hope you (like me) will one day be able to find our way again. Thank you Lori

Thank you for sharing that Lori... It truly does make sense & I honestly do hope with time I will be able to believe again...

Thank you all for responding... I was away on a 2-day work trip... that is why I haven't answered Lori - I understand what you mean... and I appreciate your kind words. What a strong person you are! Rosanne - that is exactly how I feel!!! You just expressed what I had been trying to say... thank you for sharing your story with me We all have our blue days - but I hope we can all continue to move forward

Thank you MartyT, I will be sure to check out that post I don't think I'm going through quite the same thing... I do have a belief, I'm just having problems coming to terms with the fact that "MY GOD" could do such a thing (I do believe there is a heaven, and I do believe that is where my dad is... I just don't understand the hows & whys of it) But thank you... I will go through it and see what I can take from it

Thank you Shell, I hope I can find that place again... *hugs*

I know it's been quite awhile since I last posted - but I have been on (lurking) reading up on how everyone else is doing and I find myself bowled over with the amount of faith some of you have... and I don't understand it. I'm not trying to be disrespectful - before my father passed away I was a quasi-active Christian (I say quasi, only because I didn't go to church every week... or even every month for that matter, but I did... or do? believe in God). Since dad passed away, I've had a very hard time even entertaining the idea of going to church... it's a small congregation, so everyone knows everyone and I just don't know if I can deal with their concern/empathy/or what have you (I hope this makes sense... I know he is gone, and I know I can't change it... but the thought of people coming up and asking how I'm doing just tears at my heart... yes it's been 7 months... 7 months & 13 days to be exact... but I just don't want to have to explain again & again & again that "I'm okay... " "getting by"... etc) That and I am having a *very* hard time coming to grips with the fact that God, my God, could take someone *so* special and *so* good and *so* honest and *so* young... away from me. I find myself comparing my father to other people's fathers & wondering "why not him?" I guess what I'm trying to ask (in a very disorganized manner)... is how do you reach down & find that faith? How do you believe in God again, after something like this? At the point I am in right now, I don't know when or if I'll ever to believe again... I want to, I want to believe. Because if I believe that there is a God, then I can believe that there is a heaven, and then I can believe that I *WILL* see my father again... and yet I wonder - if there is a God, why on earth would he take such a wonderful & loving person??? How could he inflict such pain on my family?? I just don't understand the "point"?!?!

I didn't dream about my daddy for quite some time after he passed away (January 20th, 2007)... but maybe 3mths ago I started having dreams with him them (I find them nonsensical... and most times they just confuse the heck out of me) I know I hoped/prayed & wanted very badly the "hear" from daddy... I hate to say this, but just give it time... I felt it was almost as if the harder I tried to hear/see something from him, the more elusive it was. I wish you all the best & am sorry for your loss... *hugs*

feeling-lost, Thank you, you are *so* right, I know when the time comes for us to start a family it will be bittersweet... I'm sorry that your dad passed away so suddenly - I have mixed feelings about that. It makes me feel better to know that my dad didn't suffer, and yet I am somewhat envious of those that had the chance to say good-bye. I guess what is best for them (our loved ones) isn't always best for us, I find that because he was "here" one minute & "gone" the next, I have a very very hard time believing it was real, there was no preparation whatsoever... we didn't even see it coming. I wish you all the best & hope that in time we can come to terms with what happened. -clrw