angel_101_

Dear everyone who replied, Thanks for advice. I really am doing the best I can with all of this. Its so hard to deal with sometimes. Im losing so many friends along the way. I keep getting into arguements with one of em for something stupid that hes making a big deal out of. Its so stressful because ever since she died its like I have become a whole new person. I speak my mind a whole lot more. For some reason I threw this tantrum because my step dad snatched my computer when I was still using it. It made me really mad I guess, that I just couldnt help it and started crying. I don't know whats wrong with me. I wish I could just go back to being myself again. All I ever feel like doing is sleeping but even when I try I cant because I get these dreams about my grandma that wont go away. And because of these dreams I have I am almost scared of everything around me. Im scared to go into the car because I had a dream my mom my grandma and I got into a really bad accident and so Im scared it will happen. Im scared to be around some of my family because I had dreams of them killing my mom my grandma and of course me. All my dreams lead to us dying. I mean..why? Sometimes I feel like my grandma is trying to tell me something through my dreams but other times I think im just losing it. When I was younger I used to wonder about how things would be like when she passed away and now that I know I dont want too. tear...

Hey everyone! Im new here. I am so confused. I am going through tons of grieving and tons of stress I just lost my grandma August 6,2007. She was an alcholic and she had alot of problems with her body. All I can think about is her. I mean its so hard for me. I lost the only one I could really talk to about anything. Even though she drank she was almost like my mom. I would call her mommy all the time. It was hard to sit and watch her drink as I was growing up. She would make threats to me that would scare me like "Im gonna take you to the desert and kill you." I knew it was just the alchol talking but I was only 8 and if you can imagine I was scared. When she went into hospice I thought maybe shed be in and out of there like she usually is. Everyone would say she'd die tomarrow or something. She went into an achoma and that was hard for me. I missed her hugs and her telling me she loved me and to lay in the bed with her. We would tell her to shake her head or blink her eyes once or twice when we asked her a question. So 3 nights before she passed away it was the weekend that I had to go visit my dad. I asked her to blink once if she didnt want me to go and she did. I felt bad but I was there for 3 whole weeks and I needed to get away from it all so I asked her if it was okay if I went and she blinked her eyes for yes. Sunday when I came back I begged my mom to take me to see her right away. As she took me I sat and watched my grandma just lay there in the bed. I started to cry because something told me she was gonna pass away that night. Mom said it was time to go so I kissed her and said please don't forget me and please still love me forever. When I left mom told me if she dies tonight that I wont be able to go to see her because I had school. So I went to bed and mom woke me up and told me grandma died at 2:30am At this point I pretended it didnt hurt. I didnt want to cry infront of mom. It was hard. I waited til I was alone. I cried harder than Ive ever cried. I miss her. I blame myself sometimes for her dying. As if I could have stopped her. Would it have made a difference? Should I blame myself? I held grudges against her for so long for everything she put our family through. I regret that. Does it all make me selfish? Does wanting her back with me in my life selfish? I need help. Please...