northern duke

My doc put me on this "Lexapro" medication about three weeks ago for depression, but it isn’t working. I don't feel any difference at all. In fact I feel worse. I haven’t spoken in weeks. Is this just because of the holidays or what? What should I do? I'm starting to lose hope, and as Shakespeare said, "The miserable have no other medicine but hope."

Don't stress Deb. I've been having dreams like that for a while now too. Just last night I dreamt that my mother never really died. I spent the whole dream telling her about my life and what she had missed. when I awoke and realized that she wasnt there I felt indescribably shity. I don't pretend to know what dreams like these mean and I know they are distressing. They make the realm of sleep an unpridictable, almost scary place to be.

Thank you guys. You have no idea how much it means to me to have you in my life. I love you all very much. Today wasn't a very good day at all, but you've all just made it worth getting up in the morning. Thank you! Christian

Hey Rosanne, happy birthday! Going through the first birthday must be tough. My birthday's coming up and it will be the first without my mom too, but I am glad that your daughter could help make the day special for you. Again, happy birthday. Christian (The Duke)

This past Friday I was supposed to have my first appointment with a therapist. I drove there early to settle the insurance stuff and learned that he didn't accept my type of insurance. I was so bummed I wanted to break down. Everything had been riding on my finally being able to get the help that I needed and being able to speak with someone, and it fell through. On top of that, my sister took a sabbatical with her boyfriend to New Orleans to witness the premier of a movie she costarred in. I had to spend three days with my Grandparents. Eeuggghhhhhhhhhhhh.......... After that herculean task was over I set up an appointment for this afternoon with a councilor at the family health center where my mother used to work. Driving there my breaks went out and I skidded off of the road, so I had to cancel. I called the lady and apologized, and she said that the only time she could fit me in would be the twentieth of next month. Eeuggggghhhhhhhhhh If there were one word that I could use to describe my life right now it would be, inconvenient. Nothing seems to be working out at all, and worse yet, I don't care anymore. I don't care if I wake up tomorrow, I don't care about anything anymore. I don’t know why, but I just don’t. I need some help, and I need it, like yesterday. Hope you're all OK( or some version of it). Christian (The Duke)

My sister just told me that our half-brother called her a few days ago. He said that he had been trying to contact us for some time now. I didnt even know I had a half brother. Mom never told us about any of that sort of stuff. I knew that my faher was a jerk but I'm not sure how to feel about this new "brother". I have a lot of questions about this and don't know where to begin. Why would he call now? Should I speak with him? I could really use some advise right now. It seems that every day I wake up there's something else to worry about. Christian (The Duke)

Thanks guys.

I couldn't help but notice the first time that I visited this site that there was a strange absence of posts contribued by others of my age. I know there is a spesific section for us teenagers, but no one has posted in a bit of a while. I was just wondering if there was a reason other than loss of interest or something. Christian.

Thank you everyone for being so patient with me. I have been thinking about all of the crap that has recently happened and I think that I am finally able to divulge some Information. My sister and I have withdrawn from our courses at school after a very long and agenizing waste of time and money. My Grandfather could not be more ashamed of me and to tell you the truth, neither could I. I tried telling him that now just wasn’t the time, after so many life changing disasters to start a big commitment like College. I told him that I do intend to go back to school, indeed I want to, but forcing me into it now wasn’t going to lead to success. I just found out that a friend of mine from high school killed herself while she was at college. I wasn’t ready for this one. I miss her very much. I hadn’t seen her in so long, but knowing now that I never will hurts so much. She was my only friend. I wish I’d noticed something and could have helped her. My problems, while many of which self inflicted are, I feel eclipsed by a much larger one. There is something seriously wrong with me. I can feel myself starting to give up. I HATE this about myself. When Mom was sick things were bad but I never gave up. Now I feel my mask slipping off. I can no longer pretend to happy for my Grandfather. It’s becoming harder and harder to wake up in the morning. I don’t eat, I can’t drive and my mind has been drifting inevitably to thoughts that I dare not mention. I can’t remember being so ashamed of myself. I have however set up an appointment with a therapist for next Friday morning. I hope that he can help. But more than any of his help, I want all of yours the most. I don’t think you guys know just how important you are to me. Being alone is something that I’ve grown oddly accustomed to for a while now. I don’t like it but I’m used to it, I’m more or less “comfortable” with it. But you all have reminded me what good can come from friends. You’ve helped me become able to recognize when I need help, and for that I am eternally grateful. OK, I think that covers it. Please pardon my bluntness; I know it sounds very sad-sacky. Any help would be monumentally appreciated. Thank you all. PS, please say a prayer for my friend. Her name was Colleen. Christian (The Duke)

Karen, You're the kind of person that reminds me the most of my mother. You should be proud of yourself, you're a very sweet woman, and you've just made my day. Christian (The Duke)

Shell, To me, Realizing a big loss and accepting it are two completely different things (but that’s just me). Realization for me is looking around at every aspect of my life and noticing every monumental as well as every minute change that my loss has caused. It’s everywhere and I don’t think can ever go away. Acceptance is looking at that change and making of it what you can, sort of like starting from scratch (a new life). I'd like to say to you that this "new life" can be good, or even better, but I just don’t know that yet. I think I'm stuck at about the same place you are and can only offer you my love and understanding. Good luck Shell. Christian (The Duke)

Hello everyone. I hope you're all well at the moment (at least physically if not mentally or emotionally). Things are very bad here. I don't even think I can venture an explanation at the moment, I suppose that I just need some friends right now. Sorry for not having a point, I guess sometimes you just need to write something, ya know? Again, hope that you're all well (enough). Christian (The Duke)

Mom and I used to watch old Audrey Hepburn movies on occasion. We were both big fans of her and would set up specific dates during the course of a month to sit down and watch one that we hadn’t seen before. I think we had gotten to "Paris When it Sizzles" before she died. Well, at any rate I recently watched "Sabrina" by myself and really liked it. After it was over I looked over, thinking I would see mom there and ask her what she thought about it, but she wasn’t there. So many things in my life lately have involved this specific brand of "irony". The night that the final instalmet of Harry Potter came out, I went to a local bookstore at midnight to get it (it's something we would have done together). When I got there I asked for my copy that I myself had reserved a few days prior under my last name. It turned out that mom had already reserved two copys for each of us a few months before that. I should have known she'd do that. she would have enjoyed surpriseing me with it. Music, as with so many of you also has the same effect. I love classical music and always have. Mom was the only one who liked it in our family besides me and now whenever I hear a particular symphony or score I think of her and have to turn to turn it off. Wendy, that's very sweet what you wrote. I did the same thing with my mother's hair. After she started chemo she had a shaving party with all of her friends from her work. During the party, I took and kept a small clip of her hair and put it in a small black box on my nightstand. I came across it recently actually while I was cleaning my room. I had completely forgotten that it was there.

Tori, I don't think I've ever identified more with anything that anyone has said to me than with what you've said in the last sentence of your post.

Mrcelloboy, I'm very sorry about your fiancée. I would like to tell you that your feelings are both normal and in some ways, a good thing. To be feeling anything after the horrible event that you've been through is a good sign. Anger, in my opinion would be chief among the things that you must be feeling besides sadness. I can understand how you feel that your entire life and future have been stolen from you. I can relate. It sounds like you're making good progress through the process of your grief, even though it hurts like hell. I'm sorry. Christian (The Duke).