Renee

Kathy, I forget things all the time. Sometimes I scare myself it gets so bad. Then I realize I was expecting too much from myself and was trying to act like "before". I lower my expectations and instead of doing three things at once I do one. I also read in a grieving book that it helps to carry around a small spiral notepad. Write down the tasks you want to get done for the day. Carry the notepad all the time and get used to writing in it. You can also buy a stack of Post-it notes and stick them around the house. I have a magnetic notepad on the refrigerator. Don't rely on your memory. We are too vulnerable to distraction right now. I hope this helps.

It has been seven weeks since Robert died. I can't say today is any easier than it was the first week. It just all seems so impossible, so unbelievable. I can't say whether the group meeting helped or not. All it showed me was there were so many other grieving parents around me. It is all so sad. Since Robert's crash there have been 17 more people who died in crashes in my county. Some were complete accidents and others by stupid mistakes. Nine of them were under 20 years of age. All in all none of them deserved to die. I have read all of the books everyone suggested. They helped explain a lot of what I've been feeling and what is to come. I personally am not going through different phases of grief. I have no guilt, anger, or any other emotions. I'm just very, very sad and have been since day one. I hope all the other mothers, fathers, and siblings are doing the best they can. Nobody has posted in this forum lately so I'm hoping that is good news. Hugs

Dear Nathan's Sister, Your grief feels and sounds so familiar. My 20-year old daughter is having a tough time with the loss of her brother as well. Robert, 18, was killed in a car crash December 22nd, right before Christmas. Lauryn says and feels the exact same things you say and feel. She only lived two years before her brother was born so her whole life was spent having a brother. Now she doesn't have him with her and she is so lost. She has an older sister but they are not as close as she was with her little brother. I'm not sure if it would help to share your grief with someone who is going through exactly what you're going through but it might. Perhaps you can e-mail each other and share stories of the amazing brothers you lost. Let me know how you feel about this. I will talk to her as well. I know sharing my loss with other mothers helps me feel I am not alone. It doesn't make me happy or forget my son but it does make me feel less alone. If you both agree I will pass her e-mail address along to you. Try and have one peaceful moment today. Robert Owen Davis Jr. 11-21-89 to 12-22-07

From a mother who recently lost her 18 year old son, please keep in touch with her and visit. My son's friends call me, send e-mails, and visit, just to check on me. They never say the wrong thing and it helps me keep my son's memory alive. Mothers love to talk about their children. Hearing his name and hearing stories about him brings me great joy. Don't be afraid. If she's tired she will tell you. Hope this helps. Robert Owen Davis Jr. 11-21-89 to 12-22-07

Deborah, I am sorry about your daughter. The loss of a child at any age, and in any way, is so devastating. <BIG HUG> I am learning about things I never dreamed of knowing. My heart is so tender now, I'm almost thankful for this rude awakening although I wish I learned it in a different way. I'm also learning how many lives my son touched. It has been amazing how much love and support has poured out from people I never even knew. As I'm working through this I am realizing how great my three children are, what a great mother I am, and how many lives we've enriched. I never even knew this before. Another thing I learned was how many lives we've changed because of what they saw through our loss. My sister is changing the way she prioritizes her life and raises her children. My brother told me he loved me for the first time in my life. I was never an affectionate person but I now hug my boyfriend every time he leaves or comes home. I feel Robert inside me, walking and living, with each step I take. Tonight is our first group meeting. I'm hoping this works for my family and me. We need the help. Try and find one good memory today so you can smile just for a moment. -- Renee

I will be going through your reply very slowly and carefully. It looks like you put in a lot of helpful information, which I am extremely grateful. Compassionate Friends did not reply to three of my requests for a local chapter here in Ocala, FL. I did however, find Berieving Parents here. They meet the third Tuesday of each month. I do plan on attending. Compassionate Friends did have local chapters near both of my daughter's homes, which I was thrilled about. Thank you for the information. I will make good use of it. Renee

I have been reading the posts on this site for several days and up until now could not bring myself to tell my story. My anger would only allow me to grieve in privacy because nobody really understands, not unless you have walked in my shoes. Those that post about not being able to understand what the loss of a child feels like are correct. You have no imagineable idea. I have lost many people in my life, and I have grieved with my children when they lost young friends. The loss of my son is not comparable in the smallest way. Saturday, December 22, 2007, was a beautiful day. My boyfriend and I went to meet friends for lunch. Robert was supposed to join us but decided to go to his girlfriend's birthday party with her family. Later in the day we pulled into the driveway and Robert followed close behind. Robert had his girlfriend Bianca and another friend Ashley with him. At home we went in the backyard and played with his new puppy. I'm not a dog lover so I was joking about how the yard was going to get trashed and the puppy was going to chew up all my furniture. Robert assured me he would take good care of his new dog, and I believed him. A few minutes into the evening I noticed Ashley crying. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was having a problem with a boy. I gave her my 46 year old advice and told her things would work out ok. The girls and Robert decided to drive to the next town over so Ashley could try and talk to "Donnie". After the discussions they proceeded home. Robert never made it home. My two daughters and I have had our lives shattered. I raised my three children alone so we were the circle of four. We are all so very close and have a hard time trusting people and letting newcomers in. Now our circle has a hole. We walk without our youngest, our only son/brother, our future. There is certain music we can no longer listen to. My daughters are afraid of normal occurrences, which now seem like signs from the dead. Nobody is sleeping. Our future plans now seem a waste. The holidays will never be celebrated again. We are empty, sad, distraught, and so lost. I even begged my daughters to never have children, just so we won't ever have to feel this pain again. Over time this might get easier but our lives are changed forever. There is only day-to-day, there is no future. Robert Owen Davis Jr. November 21, 1989 - December 22, 2007 We will be with you soon, we promise.