sunstreet

Dear Brokenhearted62 I am so very sorry for your losses. Welcome to the grief healing discussion forums. Thank you for your courage in sharing. I see and hear your pain. You have found a wonderful safe community here. All that you are feeling is so very normal and understandable. I am just so sorry for the torrent we are thrown in when we experience loss. Encouraging you to be gentle with yourself. Encouraging you to feel as it's so vital I believe in this journey. To keep it all inside and try to put on a strong front to the world is such a weight on top of the weight of our losses. This is a safe place to share all that you are feeling. Good for you for seeking out a grief group. Encouraging you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Olive71 Welcome to the grief healing discussion forums. Thank you for your courage in sharing. You have chosen a safe wonderful community of supportive caring people who all resonate with your pain and are at different stages of the grieving journey. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Parents and loosing them so very close together. And having been caregiver to both! On top of managing your own anxiety. Oh my gosh! No wonder you are feeling the way that you are! That is a whole lot to have gone through! Off course you feel like a 12 year old girl right now makes perfect sense your dear Parents have died. The little girl in you is likely having a very difficult time with this....we don't want our Parents to ever go away! All that you are feeling are so normal and understandable. Definitely not crazy. I would be concerned actually if you were not feeling all these things. Some words that come to mind to describe you are...strong...caring...resilient. I encourage you to comfort that wee little girl who is part of you. If you have a rocking chair sit in it and rock while you are listening to some favorite music or watching your favorite TV show. Cover yourself with a favourite blanket. Think on another little girl that might have just lost her dear Parents and what you would do for her that may help you. You have found a safe place here. Encouraging you to keep expressing yourself. Blessings, Carol Ann

The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do-- determined to save the only life you could save.

Dear Karen, Thinking of you and holding you in thought and prayer. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Anne Thank you for your empathy and understanding. I am sorry that you had to recover from congestive heart failure. Good for you though to accomplish that! And that speaks to your resilience, determination, strength and courage. And I know it's hard work to do what's necessary to keep your heart failure in check. I agree ill health is one of the challenges we deal with after we have lost someone so dear to us. It was so hard in the first five years for certain after Melissa died to focus on self care or even to have the desire to do so. It really is like a fish swimming upstream initially isn't it? Yes self-care is what we must do and is so vital to navigate life in general; never mind that it's essential when grieving. Thanks yes my health issues are many. I am feeling so much better than I was a few weeks ago in so far as I am not feeling so overwhelmed with it all. And the feelings of anger that my Melissa is not here now and fiercely missing her have become much less intense and once again feel nothing but warmth and loved when I think on my Melissa. That's it isn't it when we are actively in a torrent emotional wave it is truly hard to see an end to it or remember all waves eventually dissipate. My heart aches also for the new grievers for I remember so well what it's like in the beginning. I agree too they couldn't be in a better forum than this one. This is a place of healing, support, acceptance, understanding and safety. And yes no matter what loss they are going through. And for sure we heal together and for me who has no family it's a wonderful environment to feel that I get some of what I would get from a family if I had one. I am not surprised you love Mary Oliver too I actually have not read any of her books but I will seek the ones you mentioned most definitely. I am so sorry for the pain of loosing your sweet Benji. I know how hard that was and also loosing him so soon. I came onto these forums after my cats Street, Sunshine and my Melissa all died within a short time of each other. I know I read a lot of the posts and came onto the site daily for about 3 months before I actually posted anything. Wow! Just thinking on that how very far I have come in my journey of healing. I have a lot of Mary Oliver's poetry and I agree hard to pick a favourite but one does speak quite loudly to me and that is "The Journey" If your interested after I get through cataract surgery for my left eye and had time to heal...etc and reading becomes easy again I'd love to discuss Mary Oliver's books you mentioned after I've read them. My right eye is still experiencing blurriness from the cataract surgery I went through a short time ago and I have quite a bad stigmatism and see diagonal streaks of light and can't get a corrective lens for it for another week or so apparently so till then very hard to read easily. Thank you so much Anne. Healing and courage to you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Maynard You are so very welcome! Another tool that I use that I forgot to mention and that is a diffuser, well have three of them. One in the bedroom, one in my art studio, and one in the family room. It's a little pot that you put water in and then add essential oils into and it diffuse them into the air. I know some think this odd to use as tool for grief but for me it works. In the bedroom I use two different essential oils and they are lavender and pettigrain helps to promote sleep for me. It is here I use my guided imagery alongside the essential oils being diffused. In my art studio I use cinnamon leaf and clove bud for me seems to promote motivation and revitalization. It is here that I do my journaling and where I work on my book that my Melissa inspired me to write, and my poetry. In the family room I like to use bergamot which for me has a pleasant calming effect. I suppose because of my hearing loss my sense of smell is enhanced I think. Anyhow not sure that is something you want to try but thought I would mention it. Thank you for sharing about your Cody and his wonderful outlook on life and death. What a wonderful gift your Cody gave to you. And yes it makes total sense you want to honor him by enlisting this thinking and implementing into you life. I think is a wonderful testament to the love you two shared. Yes that is my belief too that our loves that have left don't have the same journey of grief that we do. I believe they are restored to health in mind and body and I too believe they come to help us. Your vision of the afterlife is similar to mine and for me it brings me great comfort. Encouraging you and thanks for sharing. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Anne Thank you so very much! I must admit I am struggling with the decline in my physical self very much so. I feel it such a tremendous loss! I am an optimist though so that is on my side I always see the glass half full versus half empty. I love prayer and hugs too. I pray for all who are grieving here such a hard journey. If you like Sharon Salzberg, you might also like Mary Oliver another one of my favorites. Blessings, Carol Ann

THE GRIEVING PERSON'S BILL OF RIGHTS 1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. 2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. 3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Find listeners who will accept your feelings without conditions. 4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. 5. You have the right to experience grief "attacks". Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out. 6. You have the right to make use of rituals. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. 7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment. 8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. 9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them. 10. You have the right to move towards your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Credit: Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD

THE FIRST MORNING Melissa, here I am, in our spot, On my first morning without you, Melissa, the morning has broken, The sun is rising, Shimmering light through the trees, Shining through the mist, Moving it along, as if alive, Revealing the ocean in all it’s grandeur, The wild flowers are still opening up, A little girl, with tear filled eyes, Her upturned face aglow, A woman with tear filled eyes, Her downward face aglow, Said, “Melissa it wasn’t time for you to go”, My eyes are searching for you, My ears are listening for you, My arms reaching out for you, My heart aching without you, My mind reflecting on our love, You were the wisest of wise, In my mind, no suspicions ever arose, I believed in you devoutly, Now, it feels there is a dagger in my heart, I can barely keep it from falling apart. A tree with no fruit, a bird with no feathers, A desert barren and dry. Oh God, carry me now for I can not. December 26, 2003 © Carol Ann

Dear Maynard, I remember having and feeling the same question when I began my journey of healing from loosing the love of my life. Good for you for asking for some help with this. Marty's post gives you so much information and resources and are so invaluable! There is one book I still refer to and it is called "Life after Loss bye Bob Deits" I found and find the discussion boards here so valuable. I remember when I first joined it was hard for me to say anything. I spent a lot of time just reading other's posts before I even posted myself. I find that there is healing in being able to put words to how I am feeling and sharing and it seems to lighten the load and the pain more tolerable. For me, it was a case of trying different things till I found the tools that work for me. I like to write; I have several journals, one is an ongoing letter you might say to my Melissa. I have a gratitude journal I like to write in before I sleep. I try to write 5 things that I am grateful for each night. Somehow it helps me to have a better night of sleep if the last things I am thinking on are the things I am grateful for. I also have a journal that I is titled "My Anger" and when I feel angry I try to write about it in this journal and it helps to soothe it. I also like to write poetry. I love guided imagery and find it so very useful. I also make time to grieve for I tend to run away from tears when I feel them coming and now when I feel them coming I make the time to let them come and let them flow. Encouraging you to find the tools that work for you and have a toolbox that you can draw from. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thank you so much! Yes; it is a huge struggle for me to be loosing my strong body and to become so in need of help with so many things that I took for granted before. Yes thanks I am aware of home support that is available to me and am in the "system" as they say. I do have home support every morning to help me shower and get dressed and they come again in evening. I am due for another assessment soon and I expect they will increase the amount of support I am allowed. Yes, thanks for the reassurance you would have loved Melissa. And yes I hear you about George and I feel I do know him some through your posts and what comes through is what a wonderful man he was and how hard it is to loose our loves. I have been offline for a few days for I was hit with fatigue and at those times my energy is fairly much nil. Thank you dear Kay I feel so supported, understood and welcome here Blessings, Carol Ann

“If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places… I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can’t give up. We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.” - Daniell Koepke

Dear AB3, I so remember feeling exactly as you do. I see and hear your pain. I encourage you to keep coming here as it is such a wonderful safe and supportive place and there is always someone here to listen I have found over the years. I do encourage you perhaps to seek out someone, a grief counselor, a support group, as well as here. It is such a heavy load to carry alone. I have found that sharing my pain lightens it and makes it feel like something I can get through. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear DaveM I am so very sorry! I see you and hear your pain. Thank you for your courage in sharing. I encourage you to keep reaching out. The load seems so much heavier when we try to carry it alone. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Gin I am so very sorry for the pain you are in. I see you and I hear you. I encourage you to keep reaching out. Blessings, Carol Ann