sunstreet

Dear Brokenhearted62 I am so very sorry for your losses. Welcome to the grief healing discussion forums. Thank you for your courage in sharing. I see and hear your pain. You have found a wonderful safe community here. All that you are feeling is so very normal and understandable. I am just so sorry for the torrent we are thrown in when we experience loss. Encouraging you to be gentle with yourself. Encouraging you to feel as it's so vital I believe in this journey. To keep it all inside and try to put on a strong front to the world is such a weight on top of the weight of our losses. This is a safe place to share all that you are feeling. Good for you for seeking out a grief group. Encouraging you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Olive71 Welcome to the grief healing discussion forums. Thank you for your courage in sharing. You have chosen a safe wonderful community of supportive caring people who all resonate with your pain and are at different stages of the grieving journey. I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Parents and loosing them so very close together. And having been caregiver to both! On top of managing your own anxiety. Oh my gosh! No wonder you are feeling the way that you are! That is a whole lot to have gone through! Off course you feel like a 12 year old girl right now makes perfect sense your dear Parents have died. The little girl in you is likely having a very difficult time with this....we don't want our Parents to ever go away! All that you are feeling are so normal and understandable. Definitely not crazy. I would be concerned actually if you were not feeling all these things. Some words that come to mind to describe you are...strong...caring...resilient. I encourage you to comfort that wee little girl who is part of you. If you have a rocking chair sit in it and rock while you are listening to some favorite music or watching your favorite TV show. Cover yourself with a favourite blanket. Think on another little girl that might have just lost her dear Parents and what you would do for her that may help you. You have found a safe place here. Encouraging you to keep expressing yourself. Blessings, Carol Ann

The Journey One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice-- though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. "Mend my life!" each voice cried. But you didn't stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do-- determined to save the only life you could save.

Dear Karen, Thinking of you and holding you in thought and prayer. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Anne Thank you for your empathy and understanding. I am sorry that you had to recover from congestive heart failure. Good for you though to accomplish that! And that speaks to your resilience, determination, strength and courage. And I know it's hard work to do what's necessary to keep your heart failure in check. I agree ill health is one of the challenges we deal with after we have lost someone so dear to us. It was so hard in the first five years for certain after Melissa died to focus on self care or even to have the desire to do so. It really is like a fish swimming upstream initially isn't it? Yes self-care is what we must do and is so vital to navigate life in general; never mind that it's essential when grieving. Thanks yes my health issues are many. I am feeling so much better than I was a few weeks ago in so far as I am not feeling so overwhelmed with it all. And the feelings of anger that my Melissa is not here now and fiercely missing her have become much less intense and once again feel nothing but warmth and loved when I think on my Melissa. That's it isn't it when we are actively in a torrent emotional wave it is truly hard to see an end to it or remember all waves eventually dissipate. My heart aches also for the new grievers for I remember so well what it's like in the beginning. I agree too they couldn't be in a better forum than this one. This is a place of healing, support, acceptance, understanding and safety. And yes no matter what loss they are going through. And for sure we heal together and for me who has no family it's a wonderful environment to feel that I get some of what I would get from a family if I had one. I am not surprised you love Mary Oliver too I actually have not read any of her books but I will seek the ones you mentioned most definitely. I am so sorry for the pain of loosing your sweet Benji. I know how hard that was and also loosing him so soon. I came onto these forums after my cats Street, Sunshine and my Melissa all died within a short time of each other. I know I read a lot of the posts and came onto the site daily for about 3 months before I actually posted anything. Wow! Just thinking on that how very far I have come in my journey of healing. I have a lot of Mary Oliver's poetry and I agree hard to pick a favourite but one does speak quite loudly to me and that is "The Journey" If your interested after I get through cataract surgery for my left eye and had time to heal...etc and reading becomes easy again I'd love to discuss Mary Oliver's books you mentioned after I've read them. My right eye is still experiencing blurriness from the cataract surgery I went through a short time ago and I have quite a bad stigmatism and see diagonal streaks of light and can't get a corrective lens for it for another week or so apparently so till then very hard to read easily. Thank you so much Anne. Healing and courage to you. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Maynard You are so very welcome! Another tool that I use that I forgot to mention and that is a diffuser, well have three of them. One in the bedroom, one in my art studio, and one in the family room. It's a little pot that you put water in and then add essential oils into and it diffuse them into the air. I know some think this odd to use as tool for grief but for me it works. In the bedroom I use two different essential oils and they are lavender and pettigrain helps to promote sleep for me. It is here I use my guided imagery alongside the essential oils being diffused. In my art studio I use cinnamon leaf and clove bud for me seems to promote motivation and revitalization. It is here that I do my journaling and where I work on my book that my Melissa inspired me to write, and my poetry. In the family room I like to use bergamot which for me has a pleasant calming effect. I suppose because of my hearing loss my sense of smell is enhanced I think. Anyhow not sure that is something you want to try but thought I would mention it. Thank you for sharing about your Cody and his wonderful outlook on life and death. What a wonderful gift your Cody gave to you. And yes it makes total sense you want to honor him by enlisting this thinking and implementing into you life. I think is a wonderful testament to the love you two shared. Yes that is my belief too that our loves that have left don't have the same journey of grief that we do. I believe they are restored to health in mind and body and I too believe they come to help us. Your vision of the afterlife is similar to mine and for me it brings me great comfort. Encouraging you and thanks for sharing. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Anne Thank you so very much! I must admit I am struggling with the decline in my physical self very much so. I feel it such a tremendous loss! I am an optimist though so that is on my side I always see the glass half full versus half empty. I love prayer and hugs too. I pray for all who are grieving here such a hard journey. If you like Sharon Salzberg, you might also like Mary Oliver another one of my favorites. Blessings, Carol Ann

THE GRIEVING PERSON'S BILL OF RIGHTS 1. You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. 2. You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, about your grief. 3. You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Find listeners who will accept your feelings without conditions. 4. You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. 5. You have the right to experience grief "attacks". Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can frightening, but is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out. 6. You have the right to make use of rituals. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. More important, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. 7. You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment. 8. You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. 9. You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find others with whom you can share them. 10. You have the right to move towards your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself. Credit: Alan D. Wolfelt, PhD

THE FIRST MORNING Melissa, here I am, in our spot, On my first morning without you, Melissa, the morning has broken, The sun is rising, Shimmering light through the trees, Shining through the mist, Moving it along, as if alive, Revealing the ocean in all it’s grandeur, The wild flowers are still opening up, A little girl, with tear filled eyes, Her upturned face aglow, A woman with tear filled eyes, Her downward face aglow, Said, “Melissa it wasn’t time for you to go”, My eyes are searching for you, My ears are listening for you, My arms reaching out for you, My heart aching without you, My mind reflecting on our love, You were the wisest of wise, In my mind, no suspicions ever arose, I believed in you devoutly, Now, it feels there is a dagger in my heart, I can barely keep it from falling apart. A tree with no fruit, a bird with no feathers, A desert barren and dry. Oh God, carry me now for I can not. December 26, 2003 © Carol Ann

Dear Maynard, I remember having and feeling the same question when I began my journey of healing from loosing the love of my life. Good for you for asking for some help with this. Marty's post gives you so much information and resources and are so invaluable! There is one book I still refer to and it is called "Life after Loss bye Bob Deits" I found and find the discussion boards here so valuable. I remember when I first joined it was hard for me to say anything. I spent a lot of time just reading other's posts before I even posted myself. I find that there is healing in being able to put words to how I am feeling and sharing and it seems to lighten the load and the pain more tolerable. For me, it was a case of trying different things till I found the tools that work for me. I like to write; I have several journals, one is an ongoing letter you might say to my Melissa. I have a gratitude journal I like to write in before I sleep. I try to write 5 things that I am grateful for each night. Somehow it helps me to have a better night of sleep if the last things I am thinking on are the things I am grateful for. I also have a journal that I is titled "My Anger" and when I feel angry I try to write about it in this journal and it helps to soothe it. I also like to write poetry. I love guided imagery and find it so very useful. I also make time to grieve for I tend to run away from tears when I feel them coming and now when I feel them coming I make the time to let them come and let them flow. Encouraging you to find the tools that work for you and have a toolbox that you can draw from. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay, Thank you so much! Yes; it is a huge struggle for me to be loosing my strong body and to become so in need of help with so many things that I took for granted before. Yes thanks I am aware of home support that is available to me and am in the "system" as they say. I do have home support every morning to help me shower and get dressed and they come again in evening. I am due for another assessment soon and I expect they will increase the amount of support I am allowed. Yes, thanks for the reassurance you would have loved Melissa. And yes I hear you about George and I feel I do know him some through your posts and what comes through is what a wonderful man he was and how hard it is to loose our loves. I have been offline for a few days for I was hit with fatigue and at those times my energy is fairly much nil. Thank you dear Kay I feel so supported, understood and welcome here Blessings, Carol Ann

“If I’ve learned anything from life, it’s that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to the brightest places… I’ve learned that what seems like a curse in the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down a different path. I’ve learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope. And I’ve learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can’t give up. We have to keep going. Even when it’s scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward, because whatever we’re battling in the moment, it will pass, and we will make it through. We’ve made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.” - Daniell Koepke

Dear AB3, I so remember feeling exactly as you do. I see and hear your pain. I encourage you to keep coming here as it is such a wonderful safe and supportive place and there is always someone here to listen I have found over the years. I do encourage you perhaps to seek out someone, a grief counselor, a support group, as well as here. It is such a heavy load to carry alone. I have found that sharing my pain lightens it and makes it feel like something I can get through. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear DaveM I am so very sorry! I see you and hear your pain. Thank you for your courage in sharing. I encourage you to keep reaching out. The load seems so much heavier when we try to carry it alone. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Gin I am so very sorry for the pain you are in. I see you and I hear you. I encourage you to keep reaching out. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Gwenivere I so resonate with what you are feeling. I remember feeling those exact things. And yes it is so hard when those around us don't understand and aren't they for us in a way that is need fulfilling. Melissa and I were very good friends with a couple and after Melissa died they left and moved to Ontario and I am in British Columbia. I felt so abandoned by them. All these years later it still hurts but I have forgiven them and let it go. I encourage you to keep reaching out here, and not sure if you have thought about a group at all for those who have lost their soulmate. Or even to seek out a grief counselor for some one on one. Seek out others who can be there for you in ways that you need. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Marty Thank you so very much! I am feeling better than I was earlier. I used a few tools that I have not done for a while and it helped me a great deal One is I read some past entries from my journal and it helped to see how far I have come in my journey of healing overall. The other is I did a pro and con list with regard to retiring; and that was very helpful because on the pro side there where quite a few things that I had not thought of before. And the final thing I did was talk into my tape recorder and in doing that I think I have some insight into what my fear and panic is about and I'll discuss that with my therapist on Monday The last thing I did was "I got out of my head" Melissa use to say that to me whenever I starting ruminating over something that I could not figure out. She use to say we don't always have to know the why's and sometimes we never will. Now isn't that ironic for the why's of her choice to end her life was the biggest one of all of leaving me wondering why! Ah I wish you all could have known her she was such an amazing woman. And finally I told myself that Lupus and Diabetes are part of my life and the more I stress about that the more difficult they are to manage. Also my neighbor that came to help me with dinner we had an amazing conversation about the local seniors center and all the things going on there and how wouldn't it be lovely if they had a sing a long night or something. Well, guess who is going to give the director a call on Monday I am patting myself on the back for coming back here to this wonderful safe place with wonderful people Thanks again Marty Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Autumn2 Thank you and thoughts and warm hugs to you as well! Blessings, Carol Ann

Well, feeling that low blue feeling again. I have always marveled at how well my body handled all that it has been through in its life time. I feel like screaming have I not been through enough in my life! I feel like I have been thrown into this journey of having to say good-bye to my good strong body without any say in the matter. I am so angry at Lupus and Diabetes both in this moment! I usually get together with my three lady friends for scrabble night on Saturdays and I had to phone to say I would not be able to come tonight, due to Lupus fever and a mouthful of sores, and my muscles just not wanting to work. I usually weather a flare so well. I am not sure why now are my auto-immune diseases effected my emotional health so! I have been living with both of them for a long time. I think perhaps it is really sinking in that I have to give up my career due to my declining physical health. I usually have the answers, and know what I need to do. With this I feel at a stand still not knowing what to do next. I phoned my therapist this morning asking for a call back and I have not done that for such a very very long time. My therapist called a bit ago and we talked for a bit and I booked an extra session this coming week and will go in on Monday to brainstorm and see if together we can figure out what this almost panic I am feeling is about. I miss the days when I could just get my vehicle and drive to the ocean and walk the seawall. I miss being independent. I have asked one my neighbors to come and help me get my dinner ready. I miss being able to do that on my own all the time! Thanks for listening. I am confident I will figure it out and I know this feeling state will dissipate but man while you are in it! It's deafening! It's so hard. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Gwenivere I hear and see your pain; thank you for sharing with us. I am just so sorry that you are feeling this pain so loudly right now. I remember what that was like so very much. I think it natural that the pain gets louder at times such of anniversaries and other special and important times and dates. For me the journey was like peeling an onion and how there are so many layers of an onion. With each layer that I peeled away and weathered and navigated through this sense of relief would come and I remember feeling almost numb at times or like I was just existing. Until I encountered another layer and the pain would get so loud and intense. I remember that around the 8th year of anniversaries and special dates and times when the layers came I began to feel a warmth and sometimes I would even smile and began to reflect on the love and joy of our marriage rather than the pain of Melissa being gone. And I found myself looking forward to the days again, I felt a new hope. Then the 10th year came and wow there was the pain so loud and intense again. I had to take some time off of work and didn't even want to get out of bed and greet the day. The pain was deafening! I became so discouraged, disheartened and wondered will I ever heal, will the pain really ever become something I can carry and enjoy life again. I started to write about my pain and the more I wrote the more I understood what was going on for me. I had reached the core, the raw uncensored core or root of the pain of loosing my Melissa. And what I can tell you it was after this that when anniversaries came and special dates and times. I felt a tremendous warmth, loved, safe and supported. All I can see and feel now at those times is our love; our joy and how blessed I was to have experienced such a love. The journey is different for all of us. The pain is similar though. And so though none of us have met or really know one an other we share and have this very human bond. Our respective losses. Courage to you in your journey. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Kay For me it is hard to really know what was on her heart. Melissa did not leave a suicide note at all. All I really have is speculation as why she made her choices. I like to believe she wanted me to have at least one photo. This is not the thread to really go into a lot of my thoughts and feelings about it. What I can say is that my Melissa's choice to end her life has been the most difficult of all the losses in my life. What I do know for sure is that we shared a life and love together that has and continues to be the greatest joy I have ever experienced and known. And I have always believed that Love survives all even death. Thanks dear Kay Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Marty Thank you so much for sharing this! I resonate! I feel so lonely at times because I like to talk about the benefits of my losses but it is usually greeted with " the subject being changed " I believe that to be one of my strengths to always see the positive in anything that I have experienced in life, sometimes not right away, but I always find it. I needed this tonight! Thanks again! Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Chen I am so very sorry that your Mother chose suicide. My wife, one brother, one sister all chose suicide. It is such a difficult thing for us who are left behind. They are no longer in their emotional pain but we are thrown into a torrent of emotional pain. It is just so unfair! What I hear you saying is that you have reached more clarity and understanding of why your Mother chose suicide. I see you being able to empathize about your Mothers pain. Those are not saying that you are okay with her choice to end her life. You may never be okay with that and that is okay. And even if you did reach a place were you felt okay about her choice that would be alright. There are no right and wrongs in how you feel. What I have come to learn in my journey of healing is that suicide is not about anyone but the person themself who chooses that. They are not thinking at all about how this will effect anyone left behind, in fact I believe that for them in that moment, that is the only way they see to end their pain. Know that it is not your fault. And I encourage you to reach out here as is such a safe and supportive place. Reach out to a close friend, a support group for those who are bereaved by suicide, a teacher, anyone that feels safe and right for you; but reach out! To sit in silence only magnifies the pain and the burden feels heavier. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Autumn2 I so remember that! I only have one picture of my Melissa as she was uncomfortable having her picture taken and was due to our respective experiences in life I suppose. The night before Melissa chose suicide she asked if I would take her picture and I happily did. I thought she had been working on her fears of having her picture taken and I expressed how proud I was of her! The next day Melissa chose suicide. It was the longest time before I could even get the picture developed. I remember though once I did being able to look at it was a back and forth thing. And eventually I had the picture enlarged and it is now framed and hangs in my art studio and brings me nothing but comfort and joy. Blessings, Carol Ann

Dear Marty 784 × 534 - clipartall.com