Elizabeth A.

Dear Joe, I suppose that helps, at least a little. dpodesta Perhaps it bothers me to not forgive because I know that having that hate also means I hang on to all that goes with it, and until I somehow I find a way to let that go all the pain and hurt will continue to cause me unhappiness.

I just am not sure where to begin. Being here has been drawing me like a magnet since I dreamed about my friend Jenn and her children a couple of weeks ago. I just have questions, that don't have answers so I feel like I'm spinning around in circles. Yet I wonder... If someone doesn't believe in heaven does that mean they wont be there? I'm finding the religion barrier nearly bad enough to call my local priest and ask. And then today I was thinking about myself and how I've thrown myself into quilting over these past few months. It's a new found joy, but yet I wonder am I just marking time? Is it something I'm "using" do deal and cope with my grief and one day I will wake up and not do it anymore? Will the day come that I leave all my projects unfinished? That is a fear for me, I have been trying without much success not to have what we call ufo's (unfinished objects), but even as I leave a project just for a little I come back to it before to long... It seems to help not to stay forever focused on doing just one thing. The case on the murders of my friend has been closed but with it there has been more information released that leaves me with many more questions than ansers and again I find myself struggling with the visual images of what might have happened. I have less peace now than before they closed the case. Where I thought perhaps I had forgiven their killer I find I have not. I am at a constant struggle with myself over it. Even though he too is dead it brings me no solice. I have tried all my life to make and keep the peace. Never "hating" anyone, but now I have a bitter taste in my heart that stirs something very close to hate in me.

I'm truly glad to hear it Mike, my heart is still heavy, but I have experienced many deaths in the past 6 months some of which have been part of ongoing police investigations, which is a constanst dredging of the heart. Be Well, my friend.

Dear Jenn, I dreamed about you a couple of nights ago, as I'm certain you already know. that of course prompted me to look once again at the gruesome case of your death, (sigh) and of course you know what I found. More questions, questions more painful than the truths I already knew. Oh Jenn, I'm so sorry for your prolonged suffering. All I can do is shake my head and say he wasn't well. But that's no excuse. It pains me to no end to read how the system failed you. To know of your great deeds and still it wasn't enough. Of course they say the good die young, and even thinking that I can see you rolling your eyes at me. But my dear friend you were taken from all of us to soon. It fills me with terror what he'd done, thought, and typed into that computer the police reviewed. I don't know what the afterlife holds for us, and I try very hard to remind myself that you are safe and loved where you are now, never to feel that pain or hurt again. I hear there is a tree planted in honor of your children as well as yourself, a white blooming one no less. I shall pray it does better than Linda's little tree did. Do you know my wee lost kittens where you are? I hope so. It's all I could tell myself when they left me that you and your little ones needed them to play with. Yes, I know it might not be. But I can't help but hope they found your way to you. I'm sure you'll love them as they deserve to be loved and vice verca.

Dearest Mike, I'm glad to feel the pain in your heart has lessened. I heard someone comment the other day that when we loose a pet we never really get over the loss of them, rather we learn to live without them. It's sad, but I feel the truth in it. Take care, and best wishes.

Oh yuck! On the one hand I wonder when we will get away from this, but when you read the press release it clearly states this has to do with the way the food was being stored in their facility, as well as the vermin in the facility, it makes me gag!

Dear Rena, I can see exactly why you assumed Sherry might have been suffering from grief, that happens all the time, and to tote her off to the vet to pay more money just to hear that she missed Daisy would have been a blow to your check book, and one to your heart for there was no way to make her "feel better". Which is what we as pet owners, parents, and even as kind hearted humans want to do. We want to make it better. You were thinking time would heal Daisy and it didn't. That doesn't make it your fault. I agree with leeann that Sherry needed Daisy. Both of my grandparents passed away within a year of each other, and sometimes love like that does lead to the death of both. Also Goddessinsecta, thank you very much for sharing your knowledge and your story. It soothes my soul now, and I know it will ease worries of the loved ones I share that information with in the future. Thank you. I am sorry for your loss, truly I am, but sometimes, like in cases like this one sharing of yourself can help others. Rena take Goddessinsecta's words to heart they were gained in love and pain, and were shared to seek to help you.

Lnette, that must have been heart wrenching for you. I'm certain your dear sweet one didn't mean cause you pain. My darling Tiny will let me do just about anything to her, me being the "mom" since very shortly after her birth seems to give me an extra inch. But her "dad" oh no, if he talks about "bath time" she glares at him, and if he takes her to the tub she's mad at least an hour, and if he WASHES her she's mad at least a day, one it was days before it was better. But it was better, she loves us, just as your little one loved and still loves you. It's sand in the wound of your pain no doubt, but does a teen who lashes out mean it? Perhaps at the time, but not forever. I suffer chronic pain and it can make me a real witch sometimes. Do I mean it? Not really, most of the time the pain has me so completely wrapped up in a cacoon, that my brain hears what I'm saying and wants to seal my lips, but it comes out anyway, it grips me so tightly some days I can't seem seem to say "I take it back, I didn't mean it," until the pain recides. You said your kitty had a illness that came on suddenly, do you want to talk about it? When emotions are high like that it's hard for an ill animal who has only known love from you to feel your fear, it by no means makes it your fault. I'm serious now, you were the best darn cat mom you could be, and that's where the real love exists.

My tough season is Easter, and if I listed dates I'm sure you would understand, but it is what it is, somehow we have to find a way to dig down into ourselves looking and hopefully finding a way to move through the days. I'm glad your feeling a bit better take care of yourself!

Congrats on the arrival of your grandson, I too felt the sting of pain at the birth of my daughter, because of who wasn't there. But I know down deep in my heart that all of those missing, weren't really missing, they were simply watching from better seats. When I was getting married I nearly planned empty seats with flowers on them, but instead we arranged the chairs differently and held the wedding outside, I was inspired to find in myself, that the best seats for a wedding or a birth must be from heaven, where they can look down and know everything, to know all the love, joy, yes and even pain that we feel in those special moments.

I read your writting here and silent tears rolled down my face as I read about your loss. You had a very special dog, unique in everyway, and you know that. I feel at a loss for what to say, Leeann and Marty are both right, and Marty's links can be extremely helpful when you feel up to it. I understand being drained and not being able to dig any deeper into your own pain, even if it helps you get out. Do not take my loss of words for a loss of compassion. The world lost someone very special when your Spirit was called away from this world, and it will never be the same. I am rather astonished that your friends and family would so strongly push you. I think a more tender understanding would have helped more, but they didn't know. The lack of continued comment from your loved ones, is truly heart breaking. How sad it is that there are no answers only more questions. I suppose in the future when one of them has a similiar loss you can help them, in ways they never would have dreamed to help you, but that is in the future and doesn't help in the here and now, or perhaps makes it worse. What I can say is this, Spirit loved you, with every fiber of his being he loved you. It's a awful loss to bear without him in your life everday. But that doesn't mean the love is gone. He still loves you, and as you know one day you will stand together on the rainbow bridge, and you can turn and shake your heads at all of us still on this side and walk away together. It moves me deeply how much your friend loved you, and what an amazing gift he was in your life. I can see how that makes things harder now, but you were so blessed to have him in your life. You did everything in your power to do. You feel you did everything for him and that's true, but take solice in that fact. Embrace yourself with the love you gave him, especially in his last days. Those memories hurt very badly, but you did them with your dog, together you shared love, you thought of only him, but that created very special moments that you can hold in your heart. No it's not the same as holding him in your arms, but it's what you have, and it's worth your every effort. Take Care.

I'm glad I could help even in some small way. How did your day go? And now that it's past again how are you feeling?

Dates, it's funny even when we don't recall the exact date, it's like a wave that rushes (or creeps) at us with each new year. When we do know the exact date and time ahead it fills us with dread and sadness, both before, on and after that date. I have one date in particular, that someone once teased me about saying "what are you going to do sit in the bathtub all day?" And each year that date comes to pass, I seriously consider staying in the bathtub all day. (oddly, I always picture myself in the tub without water fully dressed, with the curtain pulled closed) But then life steam rolls in grabs me and hauls me out of bed. I suppose being both wife and mother means I don't get that "stay in bed/tub" time. In a way that helps. Because it's really only in the quiet moments that the pain of the date sneaks up on me. So tomorrow you will have a choice. Stay in bed, hide in the tub, or face the day. In the end no matter what you pick it's okay, because it's one day out of 365, it's your day to be sad and to mourn however you see fit. Is there a computer game you both enjoyed? Or a local park you visited together? Maybe you could do some of those things. And of course there's what I do. The same thing I would have done that day even if it wasn't a "marked" date. Maybe you could write your friend a letter, I have a journal full of letters that will never be sent, and I find that helps too.

Oh Kathy Honey, it doesn't seem to matter how many time we hear it, it's hard to understand. I'm certain most of your family didn't know what to say. My mom uses distraction to deal with some-things, and will completely change the subject if she thinks I'm having a hard time. It leaves you feeling open and hurt, expecially when you wanted to be open and talk about it at least a little. It's hard for them, because like you said, some of them you hadn't seen in three years. It's hard to find common ground with a person, let alone to talk about grief. I hate it when other people pull out the kid gloves, as though you're fine china and will crack if anything is said. I'm sorry you didn't get the comfort you needed from your family. Maybe that's why this site is here on the web, so that we can help each other, inspite of what happens, or doesn't happen in the world around us.

Thank you Wilma, sorry I didn't see your post earlier, I have been buried in projects near and dear to my heart. Thank you for telling me about petloss.com, I think Mike might have mentioned it around here somewhere. For now I'm working on my quilts trying to dig myself a new niche. I suppose there is nothing like a new project to give us a drive.