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MariahC

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  1. Hi all, I hope you all don't mind me posting some good news? As some of you know - I lost my dad 6 months ago and it's been a real struggle every day just getting up. Well at work today, I've just found out that I was successful in my internal application for a job, which is a major promotion! I can't believe it! The post was publicized earlier this year, but because I was really struggling with my grief following the sudden loss of my dad, I nearly didn't apply for it. It came around when I was at my lowest - struggling to sleep, eat and live. Crying at my desk silently everyday with no one in the office to confide in. Unable to wipe out the memories of that last week staying at the hospital. Worrying about who was going to look after my mother (who has mental health problems) and also worrying about losing our home. I asked myself many times when completing the job application, can you really handle the pressure right now of interviews and tests etc? Things were really difficult from 6 weeks to around 5 months after he passed away. Now I believe that if you can cope with that - you can cope with anything. Things were so bad that I often wondered if it would always be like that. Would there be no light at the end of the tunnel? How are things now? Still difficult some days, but not every day is a bad day anymore. I can now laugh and smile without feeling guilty. I can read and go out socially again. The promotion feels bittersweet in some ways because my dad isn't here to share it with. I know he would have been so proud, as we were of him. There is still some way to go though. It sometimes feels like grief is bubbling under the surface and there all the time just waiting to hit us when we least expect it. However, I do definitely feel better than I did last month and the month before that... To those of you who are wondering if you will ever be happy again. I urge you not to give up. Things will be tough and there will be what seems like insurmountable objects in your way, but you will make it through. You have all helped me so much with your kind words and support, so I just want to say thank you to you all kind friends. M.
  2. Hi father's daughter, I'm so sorry you've lost your dad. I felt compelled to reply to you because I know all about Sepsis. It was what ultimately took my father 5 months ago. Sepsis is very difficult to spot even for the medical profession. It is an extremely serious condition. You had no way of knowing that he had it. Sepsis can come on very quickly and is very difficult to treat, especially if the patient's immune system is already weakened. Please don't beat yourself up about what happened. I did this earlier this year and it made things so much more difficult. From what you've said you did everything you could for your father. I know from personal experience that is is very difficult to except that we don't have control over things. I often used to wonder "if I'd did this or taken him to a different hospital, would it have made a difference", but I've learned now that this thinking can make you ill. Sometimes no matter what we do we can't change things. Be assured that the feelings of guilt you've described are totally normal. Most of us on this board have experienced similar feelings. With regards to your mother, do let her know that you are there for her and that you will help out any way you can. With best wishes, M.
  3. Hi Cindi, I'm sorry to hear that they upset you. Some people are unbelievable aren't they! The problem is that some people just don't think. A bit of compassion and common sense is often lacking in these people. I would suggest that you make the sender aware of the fact that the e-mail upset you. You don't have to go into details with them, but if you let them know how it made you feel, it's likely that they'll be more considerate in future. M.
  4. Hi TR, You asked "Is this normal?" I think so yes, given how recently your mom passed. I think that losing a parent (someone who has been in our lives since year 0) is really difficult to process in our own minds. You may notice that now your mom has passed it feels like more people are suddenly asking after her. From what you've said I don't think you are ready to talk about it yet. People don't realize how you're put on the spot when they ask and you then have the added pressure of having to tell them about it - before you've even processed what's happened yourself. I think leeann's advice, with regards to confiding in someone you are comfortable with, might be the best way forward. They can then inform other people for you - that way you won't have to answer painful and difficult questions that people may ask. Take care. M.
  5. Hey leeann ((hugs)) When our parents pass away don't they leave such a big void that can never be filled...I think sometimes we don't fully appreciate what they mean to us when they are physically still with us. It's only when they're gone that we truly realize how important they are to our lives. I'm not surprized you feel like how you described. On occasions there must be times when you think "I wish mom and dad were here so I could discuss this with them" or wonder "what would mom/dad do in this situation?". No matter how old we are, parents generally just seem to know instinctively what to do in any given situation. When they are gone I guess we suddenly have to make all of the decisions for ourselves, where as before they passed, we could seek our parents' advice knowing that it came from years of wisdom. Quote leeann said "But do you know what I mean..? Like I'm carrying this weight around.. and I just want to put it down for awhile. I know I can't put it down forever.. but I would like to for just a bit. And I want everything back the way it was." Yep, I do get what you mean. I don't think the yearning for them ever goes away. My dad lost his dad when he was just 6 years old, and you know, it still used to make him cry whenever he thought about it. He still missed his dad. Shauna's right. The wonderful memories we have of our loved ones keep us going. I should add too that I stongly believe that our parents live on in us through the values and beliefs they have passed onto us.
  6. Shauna - my dear, you are braver than my brother and I. An episode of House was on the other day. It was the episode where Amber dies in hospital. My brother and I both reached for the TV remote at the same time to switch it over once we realized what the episode was about. We haven't got the guts to watch ER or Grey's Anatomy either.
  7. Hi all, I've been away from the board for a little while. Firefly - thank you for starting this thread. It is extremely insightful. I was about to start a thread along these lines myself. I agree with C.S. Lewis' ways of dealing with grief. His views are quite right. Letting the feelings brought on by grief wash over you is one of the best ways of dealing with it. Though, each person has to find a way that works for them, as we are all different. Quote leeann wrote: "I now know I'm no more nuts than the average bear. That it's normal to feel absolutely raw at times. That it's normal to not be able to sleep sometimes, or to have the attention span of a gnat, or to cry at seemingly odd times.. etc". Quote KathyG wrote: "Experiencing grief as it comes brings pain and hardship, but I'd have to agree that it's best to just let it happen and go through it". leeann and Kathy, I agree with what you've both said above. Leeann, you're right, the feelings and behavior you've described are all totally normal for someone who is grieving. However, what I've found, both drawing from my own personal experience of grief and what I've learned talking to other people who are also grieving the loss of a loved one, is that sometimes other people (society) will try to make us think that there is something abnormal about feeling this way. As most of you know, I lost my dad to cancer 5 months ago and his sudden loss was totally unexpected. At first I felt pretty numb and then the grief really hit home. Suddenly I had difficulty sleeping, was exhausted sometimes, lost my appetite, had become uninterested in the things that I used to enjoy and I’d become less out-going. Instead of letting it engulf me, I actively sought out bereavement counseling and saw my family doctor regularly, as well as finding this wonderful forum. All positive steps towards dealing with grief, don't you think? However, other people in my day-to-day life, particularly at work, would tell me that "they were really worried about me", that "there was something wrong with me" and that "I shouldn't be feeling like I did". This was the first time that I had ever lost someone really close to me, so I had no prior experience to draw on to help determine what was 'normal' and what wasn't. So being vulnerable at that time, as the loss was very recent and raw, I believed them when they said that there was cause for concern. One of my colleagues even said that I should go see my doc and go on anti-depressants! The turning point (when I began to feel better) occurred the instant I started to believe that what I was feeling, was in fact, normal for someone who had lost a loved one such a short time ago. My family doc said that she'd be worried if there was no reaction and no emotion following the loss and that she didn't feel that anti-depressants were required in my case, as all my ‘symptoms’ were totally normal. The pressure instantly lifted from my shoulders and I started to take enjoyment from things again. I told myself not to listen to all of those people who were advising me that my feelings were abnormal, especially since by their own admission, they'd never experienced a bereavement themselves. Following this realization, I've noticed that other people I know who have recently experienced a family bereavement themselves, are in a hurry to 'get back to their usual selves' because in some ways society doesn't let us grieve. If you're feeling down or teary, we’re told, “hurry, rush for the pills (even if your doc thinks that they aren't required) do anything to stop yourself feeling your grief”. Well I don’t buy into this way of thinking any longer. Sure, there is a time and place for expressing one’s grief, (though it’s not always easy to compress it - it does sometimes just come out unexpectedly whether we want it to or not) but, feeling it, not fighting it or trying to ignore it, is a healthy way of dealing with grief and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. EDIT: Just seen this excellent thread which kind of backs up what I was saying about society not letting the grieving grieve: http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?showtopic=3301
  8. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear mother. Welcome to the site. "We didn't have the best relationship over the years, but I hope that she realized that my attention to her during the last year showed her how much I cared". I'm sure your mother knew how much you cared and loved her. You were there for her during very difficult times. "After she passed, I seemed to be able to manage for the first few weeks. I think I came to terms that she was at peace now and was no longer suffering. After a few weeks though, I began to realize what her passing meant to me. She would no longer be there for me and I started to feel no longer safe". In the first few weeks the feelings of numbness and shock are present. There's also so much to do and so much to organise during the early weeks. However, in time when we're not so busy and family and friends don't call around so much, the reality of what's happened can hit pretty hard. I lost my dad to cancer in March this year. Even though we knew he was very ill, his passing came as a real shock to my brother and I. During the early weeks it was hard to take in what had happened. It was only really around 3 weeks in that it really hit me and that's when I found this wonderful site. The feelings you've described are totally normal. Not feeling safe any longer, I totally get that. I felt that too when the shock began to wear off. Parents are special, they make us feel safe no matter how old we are. "I think still living in the house is not helping as it is a constant reminder of her". It can make it more difficult living in the house that you shared with your mother because of the memories and the reminder of her absence. I know this from personal experience, as I still live in my dad's house. His clothes are still there and every so often, when sorting through things, I'll come across something of his which makes me burst into tears. Take it easy during the early months. It's not the best time to make big decisions in case you change your mind later - that's why I haven't moved out yet. "The worst part I still am dealing with is the images of her the last two months of her life. Being bald from the chemotherapy, being so thin, starting to hallucinate, falling down, sitting at dialysis, etc. Whenever I picture those images I begin crying". I know it's really difficult, but try to remember your mother during happy times. Like you've described, I also have upsetting memories of my dad when he was really ill unable to get out of his hospital bed. I've found that looking at photos from an earlier time, before he became ill has really helped. Over time, I believe that the memories you have of your mother when she was ill will fade and you'll find yourself being able to recall happier images of her. It's all still pretty raw for you at the moment, which is understandable. "I wish I had done things differently during the past 5 years in order to have had a better relationship with her, but I was so frightened of the cancer that I was almost paralyzed". I'm sure you did everything you could. From what you've said you were there for her and I know how terrifying it can be when a loved one has cancer. We all have regrets and wish we had done things differently, but we do what we can reasonably do for our loved ones. Deep down I believe that they know that we love them. "My brothers didn't offer too much help during the ordeal and now I have to deal with those feelings as well. I am thinking of going to a counselor as it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I think I need some medication. I would like to move on with my life, but it is so difficult. After focusing on someone else for so long, I don't know how to go back to focusing on myself". I highly recommend counselling. I've seen a bereavement counselor myself and it really helped me to be able to talk to someone about how I was feeling. I also went along to my family doctor on a few occasions. If you haven't seen your family doctor, then I'd recommend making an appointment to see him/her to discuss how you're feeling. This can really help and your doctor might be able to put you in touch with a counselor in your area. There's no shame in seeking help in terms of medication, but what I would say is be aware that the feelings you've described are totally normal for someone so recently bereaved. I haven't gone on anti-depressants because my doctor feels that my depression is a symptom of my bereavement and it isn't stopping me from doing day-to-day things. Your doctor can help to assess whether medication will be helpful for you or not. It is difficult moving on with life when you've been a carer. It will take time. Don't rush yourself. I had a pampering day where I got my hair and nails done and had lunch with a friend which really helped. If you like reading, perhaps you could start with a good book or have lunch with a friend. ((hugs)) M.
  9. Wendy, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time of it right now. I'm praying for you and your mother. It sounds like you are thinking about everything that needs to be done as though it needs to be done all at once. What I find helps is to write down a small list of tasks to be done each day/week. As I do them I check them off the list and it makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something. Breaking down tasks into a list of urgent and not so urgent helps too. Your daughter moving out must be hard, especially as you are grieving your husband and your mother is ill. You may not think so now, but you will be ok. You are stronger than you think. You are dealing with so much at the moment, can any of your friends help with some of the tasks? I wonder if your daughter and her boyfriend could help out with some of the tasks, like mowing the lawn etc? Do let us know how you get on. Please do take care of yourself. M.
  10. Karen, You should be so proud of yourself. It isn't easy going back to all of the places you used to visit with your mother. It's what I call one of the "firsts". The first time you've been back to somewhere that you and your loved one used to visit together. What you're experiencing is totally normal and it will get easier. A couple of weeks after my dad passed away my brother and I went to our local food shop. Immediately the tears started to come because we'd always gone in there with dad at weekends and now it was just my brother and I. The checkout staff would ask where my dad was and we'd have to let them know of his passing. It must have taken tremendous strength for you to have gone to the Mall on your own. Each shop must hold very special memories for you. In the early days it's so difficult when people ask you how your loved one is and you have to tell them what has happened. Small steps at a time is the best way forward and by going to the mall you've taken a step forward. ((hugs)) M.
  11. Teny, What you've experienced is all part of grief and is totally normal. We, who have lost loved ones, all experience similar emotions at some point in our lives. During important moments in our lives we notice the physical absence of our loved ones more. The emotions we feel can hit us very hard, especially during happy events, because it's a reminder that our loved ones aren't (physically) here to share them with us. Sometimes we may try not to consciously think about our loss, but during happy events, when all the family have gathered, but one very important person isn't there, it kinda rams home the reality of the change in our lives. Grief, doesn't "start all over again". It never leaves us. We may have moments or days when we feel "better", but the feelings of loss are still there. Grief is unpredictable and sometimes you'll find the most innocuous things can set you off and have you crying real hard. I get some strange looks from people sometimes, as to them I'm getting teary for no reason. Yet something that has no significance to them is significant to me as it reminds me of my dad or of a memory of him. The other day I passed by a stretch of water that we (my dad & I) used to look at from my dad's hospital room window when he was receiving his fortnightly treatments. Dad always used to laugh when we saw the police boat in action. Well I saw the police boat the other day and I immediately felt the tears start to come. It reminded me of all of those times that I would sit with him at the hospital, both of us looking down at the water and talking. Love M.
  12. Kathy, I'm so very sorry that you're having to deal with so much at this time. I know from personal experience - my mother has mental health issues - how difficult it is to deal with your own recent bereavement and be worried about a family member who is in need of care. It adds massive pressure on you, at a time when you're already trying to deal with so much that's happened (and is happening) in your own life. Yes, legally there isn't much you can do. Just let your sister know that you love her and you aren't interfering in her business, you're just worried about her. With these type of disorders, the affected person often doesn't think that there's anything wrong with them. Stopping or refusing to take the meds that keep the condition under control is a common occurrence. It's difficult to help when the person it involves is an adult, who has not been declared unable to handle their own affairs and care etc. Karen's link is an excellent one. The NAMI may be able to help or direct you to another organization who can offer support, as well as advice on how to handle this. If your sister has a case worker, talking to them about your concerns is often a good starting point. My mother's case worker has been of real help to my brother and I, as she takes our concerns and opinions on board and takes action accordingly. Kathy, please do make sure that you don't neglect yourself. It is very easy to do so when trying to help another, but you have to take care of yourself, first and foremost. It sounds like you are doing all that is reasonably possible to help your sister, given her refusal to accept help and the geographical distance between you. Please keep us posted on how you get on. Take care. M.
  13. Many congratulations SD2. I'm really pleased for you! I hope you are really proud of yourself, coz you should be in showing so much love and strength for your children. They are very lucky to have you. Well done! M.
  14. Hi Stellar, I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. From reading your post, I don't think you're emotionless. Just because you're not teary doesn't mean that you aren't feeling it. You are feeling something otherwise you wouldn't have found this site and I'm glad you've found us. I think the emotion in you is there, but you have suppressed it for so long that it rarely comes to the surface. You mentioned in your post that you were "putting on a brave face for your mom and sister". If you saw a counselor, I think you'd find your suppressed thoughts and emotions would come to the fore. Speaking to someone who doesn't know you and who isn't directly involved can be a tremendous help. I have seen a counselor myself and I found that being in a neutral setting and in a confidential environment made it easier for me to let my emotions and feelings out. I was quite surprized about what we discussed, and some of the things the counselor picked up on which I hadn't really given much thought to before. If you're at college or high school, perhaps they run a counselling service for students? If that's the case then you may not have to involve your mom, though you may choose to tell her at a later date. Also, feel free to discuss any thoughts and feelings on this site. There are so many people who can help, listen and understand. (((Hugs))) M.
  15. Thank you to everyone who replied. The question: why it is that some days we are able to cope better with our loss than other days? came up in conversation with a neighbour who lost her 52 year old mother last year. We were both wondering why some days are so much more incredibly difficult than others. You're all right in what you've said, there is no way of predicting how we're going to be from one day to the next. Often the easiest thing is to just go with the flow on the rollercoaster of grief. Sometimes, though, I wish I could have more control over my emotions - especially when at work or in social gatherings. At home, it's ok to let the emotions out and sometimes not be able to get up and do anything. At work, though, this isn't really possible - there are people to see and things to get done. In my line of work you have to be on top of your game which is nigh on impossible if a bad grief day occurs. A "bad" day isn't really just tears - tears are OK - as we often feel better after releasing them. My definition of a "bad" day is not being able to function or not having the motivation or energy to do basic activities. When these days occur, it's crippling and I get really frustrated with myself, as people are relying on me. Generally, people who haven't experienced a bereavement of a loved one don't understand how it can affect you emotionally, mentally and physically. If you smile one day they assume that all is ok and you're back to your "old self". They don't understand that grief can cause us to be 'up', 'down', 'up' and 'down' in no specific order.
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